I'm scared, you guys

[montereybride]

Me and H have been together for 12 years and married 9. Even with all of the shit that doesn't work about our marriage, there's a level of comfort there.

I know I'm getting really far ahead of myself but I was reading one of the dating threads a couple days ago and I freaked out. That's going to be me at some point. My resolve hasn't changed but the thought of starting over is giving me so much anxiety.

I'm sitting here this morning, looking around our home and trying to figure out how we divide everything and who has sentimental attachments to what and who brought what into the relationship. Again, getting really ahead of myself.

I'm thinking about how much my life is going to change. I'll have to get my own medical insurance for starters. We don't pay anything right now. Luckily I'm pretty healthy. I'm opening my own bank account tomorrow and will start putting a little money aside each week out of my fun money.

I'm also thinking about how pleased his sister is going to be. I've realized how much more passive aggressive he's gotten since his sister told him exactly what she thinks of me.

I know this post is a mess so thanks for reading if you got this far.

And thank you to everyone who gave me hair pets, hugs, offers of booze, and support in my OP.

[eb777888]

((((MB))))

I'm sorry. This part is the hardest.

[bonquiqui]

MB, I understand more than you know.  It is hard, and you can't think that far ahead with the dating and all of that.  It is not a reason to stay.  I am not even ready to date yet, and I have been separated since January, divorced since sept.  I dated for awhile, but the reality was that I just wasn't ready.

You don't have to have it all figured out before you pull the trigger.  Hell, I don't have it all figured out now, but you just do it.  One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  It is hard to see 15 years being flushed down the drain, but I know one day I will be thankful.  Yes, in my case, he left, but I know deep deep down, that it has to be for the better.  

You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy. I am proud of you for doing what you have to do.  Hugs and more hugs.  PM me any time you need someone to talk to.  It really does help.   (hug) (hug2)

[juliagoulia]

I'm so sorry, MB.

[vicky]

((MB)) I totally relate to how you are feeling. But you know what? You can do it and you will do it. You're awesome. You're gorgeous. You're intelligent. There is so much ahead of you. Just take deep breaths.

[Deleted]

My SIL and BIL were together over 20 years when they divorced. SIL now says (a year later) that she should have called it quits 4 or 5 years ago.

It's hard sometimes, a bit scary, dating is sort of frustrating (although also exciting to get to know someone) but above everything else, she just feels relaxed, content and happy. She realized after a week on her own that she hadn't been happy for so long she had actually forgotten what it felt like.

I hope you get there soon. I can honestly say she's more fun to talk to now that she's no longer trying to figure out how to fix the unfixable marriage. (her words)

[gretchenindisguise]

Oh MB. Biggest strongest hugs to you.

You can do this. It will suck going through but you will be so much better on the other side. Head down and keep on trudging.

[joyfull]

I'm sorry mb but you will come out the other side just fine. I know it's scary I've been there. Hugs

Sent from my SGH-M919 using proboards

[zoidberg]

I'm so sorry.

[montereybride]

Thanks, everyone. I'm gonna go cry my eyes out now.

[pantsparty]

I'm sorry MB. H was married to his ex for 10 years, and he has said he felt a lot of the same things. It DID suck to start his life over. But we've been married 5 years and are very happy. If you truly don't think things are going to get better for you guys, you owe it to yourself to pursue your own happiness. (((hugs)))

[Muddled]

It's worth trudging through a pile of shit to get to the other side. It's not going to be easy, but I hope that one day you will look back on this as a good thing.

Do what you got to do. Best of luck.

[DotAndBuzz]

((((((((MB))))))))

[snickers]

Hugs, I am so sorry.

[bronxgirl]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It will get easier, but it takes time.

[angelaa73]

omg. mb is this really happening? did you file? I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug :****(

[bania]

I'm so sorry ((((huge hugs)))). Try to focus in the positive during this difficult time.

[polka]

So many hugs to you.

[bonquiqui]

Oct 27, 2013 13:52:10 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

I was with ex for 9.5 years, living together for 6. I know it's hard to do, but try focusing on the positive things that are going to come from this.

You will no longer have to hear passive aggressive digs every day.
You can do whatever you want without worrying about someone else, whether it's getting your favorite takeout or taking off for a weekend on a last minute getaway.
You get to discover completely new hobbies, interests and talents that you would never have the opportunity to before.
You're going to get to find yourself, completely independent of someone that brings you down.
You are starting an entirely new, fresh chapter. You're an amazing, beautiful, smart woman and you have your entire life ahead of you. You are going to have so many new adventures and stories and experiences! You can be whoever you want! You have a chance to completely change your life and make it exactly how YOU want it!

And you are going to be absolutely, 100% fine. It's the first steps that are the scariest. I promise. Pretty soon though? You are going to look back and say "Man, I shoulda done that so much sooner! That wasn't nearly as bad as I was afraid of." (((mb)))

Living alone is kind of awesome

[montereybride]

Oct 27, 2013 13:56:13 GMT -5 angelaa73 said:

omg. mb is this really happening? did you file? I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug :****(

It's really happening but I haven't filed yet. I need to set some money aside so I'm not sure how soon I'll file. I haven't told him yet either which I'm sure makes me a monster. We've been living like roommates for several months and I stay so busy that we are really only home together on the weekends. I know there's no good time to tell him. I have no idea what the hell I'm waiting for.

A couple IRL friends know and will be keeping me busy/out of the house a lot more moving forward.

Fucking dysfunctional mess.

[Deleted]

Have you consulted a lawyer? Getting some answers on cost and what steps are involved may be helpful. And ways they can save you money (ie a paralegal creating the paperwork)

That said, he must know it's over as well and isn't saying it. He can't think what you're describing is fine

[MixedBerryJam]

I'm really sorry you're facing this, mb. If I have any advice at all, and I don't, really, it's not to look that far into the future. Don't look at dating sites because "that'll be me some day." Some day, it will be, and you can look at dating sites at that point. They'll still be here. What is going to get you through today? Or tonight? Or the next 30 minutes? Do that. If that's a cry, that's okay. It's what you need now. If it's to burn his clothes in the fireplace, that's okay, too. But you don't have to split up the finances or the stuff at this moment. I'm thinking it will be both useful and empowering to try to do something about getting health insurance on your own, right now, tonight. At the very least, it will be one less thing for you to worry about at a later date. Does your work have a website you can go to to see your options? If your work doesn't offer you healthcare, can you get onto healthcare.gov and see what's available for you? If you're actually in Monterey, I have heard that the CA site is working well. And getting accounts set up is a great accomplishment. But don't look at those new accounts and think, OMG, how will I get funds in there? Because eventually, you will. I'm not divorced, so I really don't know the ins-and-outs of what you're feeling and experiencing, but as a widow and as a recovering alcoholic, I promise you that if you get these 15 minutes, the next 15 minutes will be a piece of cake. And fuck that sister of his. She's a straight up bitch.

[mrsukyankee]

Hugs. Hair pats. And a glass of wine.

My parents got divorced when they were in their 60s. They have both found amazing people - dad is married and mom is living with her boyfriend). So there is always hope. (I met my DH at 35 and I figure I would have met someone at some point - there is always hope if you hold onto it.)

[textbookcase]

I'm sorry, MB. I'm going through a similar thing, PM me if you ever want to talk (((hugs)))

[Jalapeñomel]

(((Hugs)))

[thinklikeajellyfish]

I haven't been on much lately so I think I missed your OP. I am so so sorry you are going through this. As everyone has said, you will be ok, you will get through this, and you will be better for it in the end. I'm struggling with so many of the same things right now, so if you ever need to talk please PM me. In fact, I just thought about health insurance for the first time today. It's all so stressful, but in the end it will be worth it.

[noodleskooze]

I'm so sorry. One day at a time.

[Deleted]

Huge hugs to you.

[CurlyQ284]

I haven't been through a divorce but when I'm going g through a hard time I just take it one day at a time. Don't worry about dividing the stuff until its stuff dividing day. Don't worry about dating now. Just think about getting through until bedtime. That's not so hard. Just go to work, eat and sleep. ((Big giant hugs))

[leahmel]

I completely get you. I've been there too, and the thoughts are scary as hell. I agree that you just have to take each little bit as it comes and have faith that you will make it through little by little.I'm confident that once you get over the scariness of it all you'll rock the dating world, along with everything else that seems impossible and scary right now. You're a good egg, there is no doubt.

Try to not think of it all at once, especially at this point. One day at a time. (((MB)))