Even with all of our issues, if my H saw me crying he would console me without being asked. He might even ask me why I was upset and try to help me find a solution or hear me out (though he tends to zone out or ignore me when I download).
Has this been brought up in counseling? Are there other issues going on?
Thank you all. My husband is a very loving, kind, and would do anything for me kind of guy usually. There have been many mountains to climb, over the past few years. We have conquered most of them, but a lot of serious illness has befallen a lot of my family members in a very short period of time. I know he is very overwhelmed. I am a very emotional person at the best of times, but more so now as the end is near for the my only brother. ( who i am unable at this time to get to). Just a bunch of shit rolled into a pile.
I have left a couple of times due to this lack of empathy, it has been brought up many times, but nothing seems to change. As I write this I know what the answer probably is, but I don't want to end a marriage due to illness and lack of consoling. I am just a sad sad puppy, and just feel so alone. That's all. Again thank you all for reading, and just letting me just get it out somehow. I have been sitting in my room and won't speak with him, as I am so hurt and angry at the same time. I don't know what I can say that I haven't already.
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 7, 2013 19:08:39 GMT -5
Muddled Thank you. Me too. We've had a come to Jesus talk recently... I'll have to see if it helps. If not, we may be headed to counseling again.
sassycat Muddled makes a great point. If a stranger would comfort you more than your spouse, there is an issue. What does he say when you ask for empathy/sympathy? Or when you point out his lack there off?
partiallysunny, hugs. You deserve more sex! dixienormous, hugs to you and my favorite kid PF. doglove, I missed your post but hugs. starrieskies, your sister would probably love a wake up hug from your DS. He's pretty adorable.
sassycat, is this behavior specific to his interactions with you or does he have no empathy for anyone? Either way, his behavior is really unacceptable. I wouldn't think of it as ending a marriage because of an illness but ending a marriage because of a specific and hurtful behavior that is constant. Big hugs for you and I'm sorry is about your brother.
Muddled Thank you. Me too. We've had a come to Jesus talk recently... I'll have to see if it helps. If not, we may be headed to counseling again.
sassycat Muddled makes a great point. If a stranger would comfort you more than your spouse, there is an issue. What does he say when you ask for empathy/sympathy? Or when you point out his lack there off?
He will comfort me, but i have to freak out and say don't you get i am hurting. He really is somewhat emotionally shut off with others as well.. i know a complete stranger would comfort me as well if they saw what was going on. That is why I am sitting here trying to figure it all out. Is it even worth staying and trying.
I have been an emotional mess, and I know this stresses him too, but honestly this is the only thing that really eats at me. Sounds strange yes, but he will get up at 5am to go and get me a coffee in the middle of a snowstorm, or just give me anything he has, but the only thing I WANT AND NEED is just some consoling. It is just a messed up situation. Divorce really isn't in my vocabulary, as I said my vows, for better or worse and sickness and health, and to be honest he has dealt with a lot of MY issues with sick family members. So walking away when he has been that support minus the consoling is the pickle I am in. This is really a TROUBLE IN PARADISE MOMENT. Again thanks, I on and off due to just trying to not bawl every second, and waiting for that dreaded phone call. You ladies truly are cool
If (let's say that's a big if, considering a lot of women who first come here are all "my H is so wonderfu, but...!" And eventually we find it he's a complete douche) your H is as considerate as you say, he shouldn't have a problem seeing you cry and asking what is wrong. You need to be able to talk to him though, not yell and scream. Sit him down and say "when I cry, I need you to ____. When you don't, I feel ____."
There is nothing wrong with you being emotional right now. You are going through a lot. But if you think its an issue and it overwhelms your H, try therapy. A therapist can teach you to getter handle your emotions and, in the even of your brothers death, help with grief.
Thanks again partiallysunny!. We have done a bit of therapy and where I am it is very expensive and money right now is very tight. We were on a sliding scale and are allowed 6 whole weeks to make everything right so in that 6 weeks we have discussed things like this. After the 6 weeks you cannot apply to have more help for a year. I have talked nicely, wrote many letters, walked away, and oh yes I get things will get better. As usual things do for a bit and then back to nothing.
If you all knew him he really isn't a douche ( although he sounds like it with what I am writing) honestly that is the only issue I have but to me it is a huge one.
As I said in earlier posts, my life right now is a huge mess with all this. I sometimes think he just doesn't know how to console me as he never has dealt with the crap that has been handed to us over the last few years. He is stressed just as much. I have to be careful as well as he is epileptic and stress could cause a seizure. So ya. Stuck in this mess.
I guess this is not the right place, as I am just venting, and not really asking for answers, but needed just to get it out.
Again, I have lurked and wanted to start participating, but I have nothing to offer anyone but hugs. I really thought my life was ok, until I started to type it all out. Reality really hits when you read what you type.
Ok, let's talk about this therapy thing. You have 6 weeks covered to work with a therapist, but in no way does that mean you have 6 weeks to solve all your problems. The therapist should have given you tools- communication techniques, for example- that you can continue to use when you are not sitting in therapy. The therapist is not the one that does the work. You guys have to so the work. Use the tools and get to work.
Secondly, if divorce is not an option for you, yet you don't know if ou can continue in this relationship, it seems to me that you ought to evaluate your priorities. Counseling is an investment in your marriage. Either the marriage is worth investing in, or it's not. If you think counseling is your answer here and leaving the marriage ia not an option, then you need to find a way to get counseling. Otherwise, you are choosing to remain miserable and lonely within your marriage.
Sassycat, stay if you need to vent that's totally okay. Venting is encouraged here But know you may get questions as some of us have been in your shoes (or are in similar situations).
It is possible he is overwhelmed, however you shouldn't have to freak out on him to get any kind of empathy. It is possible that is just his personality--which is okay. But it obviously a problem for you. Is there anything you guys did in therapy that you could do on your own to help work through this?
Hi, sorry for taking so long to respond. The tools were given, and used on his part for about 2 weeks, and myself, I have been trying to work with them in talking, letting him know this is what I need, been told to write it down ( did that) but really there are other issues, (that I would rather not get into,). I had called our therapy place, a month or so ago and they are full,(as in waiting list) but I will continue to reach out and see what the next couple of weeks bring. At this point I need to think of my brother and how his wife is losing her best friend and hoping I can find a way to get there. I am just sad sad sad, and really just trying to deal and all I need is a hug. Have a a great day, and here's hoping we can get through this.
It is nice to read all of the questions, that I myself have been asking. I am very overwhelmed and don't want you all to think I am in denial or refusing to answer your questions but my head is more on my brother than my marriage. It will be more in the forefront when the inevitable happens. Just thanks for the insight, and offers of advice. Therapy is something that will continue, and hoping that this man figures that he needs to look in our little booklet of info and figure it out. Sorry for the book. I will stop.
I'm married to someone who says "okay, I'll fix it" and does, but then eventually goes back to his old ways/habits too. It is a big part of our problems right now.
{{HUG}}
I hope you guys can find a way through this and I hope you can get to your brother.
Thank you muddled. Yes I have been individual therapy as well. If you knew where I lived, you would understand how difficult it is to get in for more than a few weeks at a time without paying through the teeth. I know it is needed, but I need a roof over my head and a lot of other medical bills to pay ( for son) and the funds do not make it. Unfortunately I don't have a huge savings acct, or anything else to draw on. I could only wish.
Oh Muddled, I have been in a place with sliding prices. There are just a lot of people needing support these days, unfortunately.
I do call every couple of weeks for an update, and she I do think needs a break. Right now I am working on what I can to get there to give her a bit of relief. It is so hard for her, dealing with this, and I am the only family member that can even go to help. But it will work out however it will.
On a good note, my husband after 2 days of not speaking to him, did reach out and finally apologize and realizes he screwed up and hoping again this isn't just another excuse. But a little is better than nothing. So we will see how things go. Think positive, as there are many other people with way worse problems than I have at this point. I have lots to look forward to.