I cut out my family over a year ago. I've always been second best to my sister who does everything my parents want to make them happy. She lives 4 houses down, got the degree they wanted, is up their asses... "forgave" my grandfather who molested both of us... she's always been the favorite, always will be. Fine.
For some masochistic reason I just googled my parents FB pages and surprise surprise there is my sister in both of their profile pics. Looking all happy, perfect family.
I'm upset. Even though I chose to cut them out it hurts to know they all just continue on like I'm the "bad" one, the black sheep.
Ugh. I'm sorry. That must be so hard. I would imagine, though, that your sister must be dealing with her own brand of pain and suffering. Good for you for figuring it out, getting help, and taking the steps to making your own life happy and healthy.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Nov 8, 2013 12:53:40 GMT -5
I think you have every right to be upset. Just because they are no good for you doesn't mean you can't morn the "loss" of them. Also, it solidifies part of the reason you cut them out in the first place.
I'm sorry. I can't even imagine. You,are so strong, don't forget,that. And be kind to yourself, it's. ok to get upset. I feel for yours inter, sounds like she hasn't dealt with anything. How happy can she s really be?! Hang in there
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
Speaking as a parent, I would have to question how happy do you really think they are? If one of my children were not part of my life, there is no way my heart would not be broken and my world be incomplete. These people are incomplete, there is no such thing as a perfect child or a perfect life, how can anyone forgive someone who violated their children so horribly. You should count your blessings you are out of there, you are the lucky one who should be smiling.
You have every right to be upset. I cut my dad off for his abusiveness 9 years ago. I don't think or talk about him often, but I still hate the asshole.
They programed you to think this way. All you had to do was look at a PICTURE of the three of them and you're rehearsing the same sad mantra you were coached for years - she's good, you're bad; obey us or your bad; pretend everything is fine, or your bad; this is the only way to be happy; we're happy, you're not; we're right, you're wrong.
It's just a picture. The meaning is what you place on it. Now that you've had a little distance and time, you should be attaching new words to such images.
I'm sorry. I can believe it that you're hurting right now, but from just the couple of items you listed in your OP I think you were right to cut them out. That couldn't have been an easy decision. (((hugs)))
Thanks everyone. It helps to know that I'm not "crazy" for feeling sad and upset.
Yes, I am in therapy. We actually just talked about the possibility of having a very limited relationship with them but I had already decided before today that I am not ready and it's ok if I am never ready.
I feel like I lost out on having a family that loved me. Why was I not worth of their love?
Rationally I get it. They are broken. My dad's an alcoholic and came from a really messed up family... my mom enables him. My sister lives for them and is not really living her life.
For that I am thankful. I have my own life. My own family. And now I don't have to deal with their shit for not being who they want me to be. It would never be good enough anyyway!!
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Nov 8, 2013 13:33:41 GMT -5
They're not worth your love, not the other way around.
You did lose out on having a family that loved you; you're absolutely right to feel that way. It wasn't, and isn't, fair. You deserve that, and are entitled to it, and you haven't gotten it yet. The good news is that despite being born into groups of who the hell ever, you can surround yourself with a family of choice. But you having the bad luck to be born into a den of assholes, that will never be fair.
They're not worth your love, not the other way around.
You did lose out on having a family that loved you; you're absolutely right to feel that way. It wasn't, and isn't, fair. You deserve that, and are entitled to it, and you haven't gotten it yet. The good news is that despite being born into groups of who the hell ever, you can surround yourself with a family of choice. But you having the bad luck to be born into a den of assholes, that will never be fair.
It's not that your sister is more lovable than you, it's that she's easier. She does what they want, and is eager to sweep things under the rug to make them look good on the outside. You know that's not what counts, I hope one day you see that you were lucky to break that cycle and get out in tact.
Thank you, I know in my heart that's the truth.
For years and years I've believed that I'm not lovable, because I was never enough. I was always "too sensitive" or had "too many friends" or xyz.
I AM breaking the cycle, and my children will never for one day feel the way that I have. They are perfect just the way they are. For who they are.
i think you're trying to be helpful, but this seems not helpful.
I think this is a pretty helpful statement. A big part of cognitive therapy is changing the old automatic responses; reprogramming as it were. Looking at a picture of her 'happy' family, it's easy to repeat the old "I'm bad/I'm Wrong/I'm left out" statements. This could instead be seen as "OMG I am not a part of that sickness any more." "Omg I am free of that insane family dysfunction". "I no longer have to smile at my abuser and make nice". Etc. State the freedoms received, not the old beat yourself up lines.
I like this. It's noticing your automatic old statements coming out, and saying "Wait, that's not me talking - it's me repeating those douchebags who wanted me to stay silent about the molestation. STFU, douchebags. You're not welcome here."
i think you're trying to be helpful, but this seems not helpful.
I think this is a pretty helpful statement. A big part of cognitive therapy is changing the old automatic responses; reprogramming as it were. Looking at a picture of her 'happy' family, it's easy to repeat the old "I'm bad/I'm Wrong/I'm left out" statements. This could instead be seen as "OMG I am not a part of that sickness any more." "Omg I am free of that insane family dysfunction". "I no longer have to smile at my abuser and make nice". Etc. State the freedoms received, not the old beat yourself up lines.
This is really true and one of the things I am working on in therapy.
I still give them so much power by being in my thoughts and repeating their old lines. And then I get mad at myself for giving them power and it's this cycle...
I've been pretty pissed off for the last year, but I've been working on trying to forgive them. Not for them, but for me. And forgiving them doesn't have to mean that I let them in, either.
I think this is a pretty helpful statement. A big part of cognitive therapy is changing the old automatic responses; reprogramming as it were. Looking at a picture of her 'happy' family, it's easy to repeat the old "I'm bad/I'm Wrong/I'm left out" statements. This could instead be seen as "OMG I am not a part of that sickness any more." "Omg I am free of that insane family dysfunction". "I no longer have to smile at my abuser and make nice". Etc. State the freedoms received, not the old beat yourself up lines.
This is really true and one of the things I am working on in therapy.
I still give them so much power by being in my thoughts and repeating their old lines. And then I get mad at myself for giving them power and it's this cycle...
I've been pretty pissed off for the last year, but I've been working on trying to forgive them. Not for them, but for me. And forgiving them doesn't have to mean that I let them in, either.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It takes time to un-learn an old habit, especially when you essentially learned that habit from brainwashing, and to learn a new habit.