We like to have the grandchildren come and stay for us for visits. Usually it's a weekend thing, but during the summer/school breaks it might be longer.
We have two sets of gKids: Set A is Voldemort & Moonpie (V & M). They are 18 mos. apart and V has special needs that require very close supervision and one on one attention. When they are here with us, we don't get to do stuff together because one of us must attend to him and of course, the other has to keep an eye on M. Also, there's a little sibling rivalry between them and when they are here we get to focus on one child at a time. We love them and love spending time with them and they love coming to our home.
Set B of gKids (O & T) are 8 y/o & 3 y/o. The age gap between them makes their visits much different. We can do stuff together with everyone participating like games, mini golf, movies, playing, going for walks, etc.
In the past we have always had V & M come over for visits separately. One time it will be V's time, the next time we'll take M. Separate visits have always worked since V was born and he'll be four next month.
Well, their mother has said that separate visits probably can't happen anymore. If we take one, we have to take the other. The reason for this change is because she found out that we are going to have O&T come for a visit at the same time. She said it's unfair to her children that they have to come on separate visits while their cousins get to visit us together.
I know we can't make her change her mind but is our visiting schedule fair? Getting V & M involves a 2 hour drive (each way). Getting O&T involves a 12 hour drive (each way). We see V & M much more often than we see O & T but that's just because of where they live.
I guess my main concern is whether or not our visiting schedule is fair or not. Would you insist that the children visit at the same time all the time? would you feel slighted?
I used to love being able to go to my grandparent's house by myself! I would get one on one attention that I didn't get at home with my brothers and sister.
I don't understand why it would upset her, you take them each the same number of times, right?
Post by vanillacourage on Nov 12, 2013 9:41:27 GMT -5
It may not be exactly "fair", but especially if V&M have special needs I think it's fine to tell the mom that sorry, just from a perspective of energy, time, and ability to give attention, you are not up for taking both of them at the same time. Sort of like how DH's grandma has told us before that she would love to watch our kids, but she just knows she can't keep up with them - and that's ok.
Now, do you think she'll throw a fit and tell you you can't visit with either of them anymore?
ETA - you drive four hours round-trip regularly to relieve her of half her children and she's complaining? WTF?
Post by speckledfrog on Nov 12, 2013 9:43:40 GMT -5
Giving kid what they need isn't unfair. If one kid falls down do you give them both a bandaid? No because it's not needed. Are your other grandkids from YH's side? Is that what's causing the real issue?
I see where Mom with the first set of grandkids is coming from. I think it would be cool to have V&M both at the same time every once in awhile to give Mom a break. But not on a regular basis.
I'd also like to suggest (in order to be REALLY fair) is to have the other set of grandkids one-on-one every once in awhile too, KWIM?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I feel like it's unfair to the kids to do a visit together since neither one would get the proper time and attention from the grandkids. But I agree with Sue...parents must want a weekend alone.
Post by orangeblossom on Nov 12, 2013 9:50:49 GMT -5
Fair doesn't mean equal.
You can't take both due to their differing needs, period. She can either understand it or not, but if doesn't change the reality, that having both is just simply too much for you and your DH.
Sure, she'd like a free weekend with both of them gone, but f sounds like she'll have to make plans herself to make that happen.
You're not the first grandparent I've heard say they can only have "xyz" child/ren at a time, and you won't be the last.
The only thing I might be willing to consider having both, is if you could have someone else there to help you, but then that puts the stressor on you of finding someone and that's not fair to you or the person, since you're doing them a favor by taking them at all.
It's about as fair as it can be. I could see every once in a while taking both kids so she could have quiet time without both of them, but the large majority of the time it sounds like the separate visits work well.
Post by missmaddie on Nov 12, 2013 10:00:18 GMT -5
I think the 12 hour drive (you said one way???) alone is enough to account for why you have to have the other two together. "We'd love to have them separately too like we do V and M, but it's too far."
Yeah... from what I remember about V&M's Mom she doesn't always act in there best interest. However it seems like V&M need GMA & GPA in there lives more than your other grandchildren ( who have a more stable life correct? ) Honestly even if it's not fair, it's your call. Taking 2 YOUNG kids with SNs is HARD. Honestly you are an awesome grandmother for doing this in the first place. I would LOVE a weekend alone with DH, but it WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN. until DS and other future kids are old enough for sleep away camp, overnight babysitters, friend sleepovers ect. You don't owe the Mom a weekend alone.
Now if she pitches a shit fit, and says that you have to take both or none, than that's your call. I think you provide wonderful stability in the lives of kids who don't have much. I would continue to do so at all costs, but I would not be happy with the MOTHER without taking it out on the CHILDREN ( & in this case the MOTHER is acting like a CHILD.)
Your awesome at being a grandmother. Just wanted you to know.
You're being fair. She's being obnoxious. She should also be more understanding of your H's health issues which I can imagine make things more difficult with two little ones. I'd tell her no, and that you'll go to her house for joint V&M visits until they're a little older.
lol this has nothing to do with 'unfairness' to the children. Mom of V and M wants a weekend alone, too. lol
If she wants a weekend w/o kids, we'll take them both but that's usually just once or twice a year. She also comes to us with both children and just leaves us to deal with them. I mean she comes here and literally sits on the couch or sleeps the entire time. I don't mind though because she has a brutal work schedule and I know she likes the break.
Giving kid what they need isn't unfair. If one kid falls down do you give them both a bandaid? No because it's not needed. Are your other grandkids from YH's side? Is that what's causing the real issue?
The mothers of our grandchildren are our daughters. Technically my stepdaughters, but I just call them my daughters and they call me mom. (Their mother is deceased).
Let's say you listen to dumbass mom and take both kids. What if one gets hurt b/c you're attending to the other, which happens at our house and there are no special needs involved. WHO DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBNUT WILL BLAME? Will she blame herself for demanding you take both children to be 'fair'?
No.
She will blame you and your life will get even more complicated.
She's an ungrateful brat who is motivated time and time again by selfishness, this isn't the first, second or third time she's put her needs ahead of her children.
Hm. I'm angry about this for some reason, lol.
I love you so hard.
On the outside I'm just dealing with it. On the inside I'm fucking fuming. Her boyfriend's dad was asked to babysit the children (both of them) for 1.5 hours M-T because of temporarily overlapping work schedules. He lives 4 blocks away. He said he'd do it...for $100 a week. We live three hours away and will drop everything at a moment's notice to see those kids and those other asshole grandparents can't even be bothered to watch them for an hour unless they get paid but we're in the wrong for not taking them both for an entire weeked or week during the summer/holidays.
Post by hopecounts on Nov 12, 2013 11:28:49 GMT -5
the kids are likely far happier with he current arrangement then they would be coming together. Keep on with your current arrangement and if she really has a problem with it then too bad. My guess is she's bluffing about not letting them come separately so stick to your guns and continue your couple times a year joint visits and the rest separately.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Nov 12, 2013 11:31:58 GMT -5
I would try to do both. I do understand why she wants you to take them both- even if she is a crap mother, she still probably wants and needs a break.
But obviously there are great things about them visiting separately, and it's way easier for you.
I would go with something along the lines of "we can try to start taking them both sometimes, but it is just so exhausting for us as we get older. You know the other grand kids are quite a bit older, so no doubt by the time V and M are that age we will take them both all the time, too".
Post by spankswife on Nov 12, 2013 11:44:41 GMT -5
Can you do some together visits, and some 1 on 1 visits? Maybe rotate through so every third visit is them together. Maybe mention you can take both of the other kids bc the one is older, and as her kids get older taking both will get easier...
I would try to do both. I do understand why she wants you to take them both- even if she is a crap mother, she still probably wants and needs a break.
But obviously there are great things about them visiting separately, and it's way easier for you.
I would go with something along the lines of "we can try to start taking them both sometimes, but it is just so exhausting for us as we get older. You know the other grand kids are quite a bit older, so no doubt by the time V and M are that age we will take them both all the time, too".
She does take both kids twice a year and the daughter also goes to her house and leaves His to deal with the kids so she can sleep/relax/whatever.
his owes her thankless daughter nothing.
I know. I think she is being perfectly fair, and if don't think she is obligated to do anything differently. But I would still throw her a bone in the interest of keeping a good relationship with the grand kids. To me, yes a weekend with two small SN kids is hard, but if doing it once or twice more a year keeps the peace, it is probably worth it, and probably better for the kids to be with her than their mom.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Nov 12, 2013 11:46:38 GMT -5
Another thought, if their mom is open to it, he may qualify for TEFRA. It is a medical program for children with disabilities. If he qualifies, he would get money to hire an aide to help with him. Family is allowed to be hired to be the aide. It might help ease the burden for both you and his mom.
his, I have only left my mom with both girls one time and it was close to bedtime, so it did not require her really entertaining them for a day. They are 4 and nearly 2 and it's just a lot. I would not expect my mom to be able to watch my girls as easily as she can my nephews, who are 10 and 8.
I will be leaving her with both girls this weekend for one night, but I might even try to arrange some time for C to be at a friend's house for a little bit.
The thing is, when my mom watches my girls, I always ask her what works best for her. Because she is doing me a favor.
I am sure your daughter actually knows that her kid(s) come with a different set of needs than her sister's and even if their time is not together, you see her kids more often. For me, that would balance things out. If anything, maybe go up there for a day to spend time with both and then head home.