My husband and I just got married in the middle of August. Before when I just lived with mom and dad it was easy to keep my space clean and on top of work and everything. Since i've been married and I don't have mommy to stay on top of everything else I have not been the best at staying on top of everything and seeming like you have it all together. Any words of advice to not be anxious about not being perfect or how do you stay on top of everything?
I consider it a good day if clean socks get bundled instead of tossed in a pile, or if I have managed to put on jeans instead of leggings. You learn to lower your standards of success LOL
I guess i'm being too hard on myself that my apartment isn't clean every night, work isn't great, and all that. My husband does a lot of work around the house because he knows I get stressed out easy but I feel bad when he does most of it because I feel like that's my thing to do and.... idk.. i'm probably just stressing out for nothing. I know he's happy and loves me and isn't thinking anything i am. I just turned 28.
My mother is a neat freak so I grew up in a spotless house. I'm much, much lazier than she is. I figure if my house is sanitary and my piles of stuff are neat, that's satisfactory.
I'm a pretty anal person (bazinga!) so I kind of understand where you are coming from.
Lower your standards a bit, and drink a little more. Your marriage isn't to impress outsiders looking in. If you have real anxiety, you need to speak with a professional on coping mechanisms to figure out what triggers it for you.
Or if you can swing it, get a bad ass cleaning lady.
Post by onomatopoeia on Nov 12, 2013 13:30:56 GMT -5
Multi-task. Big closets to shove all the crap into. Get rid of clutter. Get into a routine. Get DH to do his fair share. Menu plan. Crock pots. A place for everything, everything in it's place. Always wear lip gloss. Shower at night. Pick your clothes out the night before. Direct deposit and automated savings plans. Laugh about the stupid mistakes and don't stress about stuff that doesn't matter.
How old are you? (Not being snarky. This sounds dumb but running a household takes practice).
ETA: oops, saw you are 28. Honestly, it's one of those things where EVERYONE thinks everyone else has it all together. No one does. You'll get into the swing of things though. Do you have any hobbies? Little details like the laundry are less stressful when you have activities you enjoy.
Post by shostakovich on Nov 12, 2013 13:31:19 GMT -5
Well for starters, there were a lot of "I" statements in your OP, and not really any "we" statements. So, make sure your H is doing his share of the housework.
ETA: Just saw your post that your H is helping out, which is great. I'd say it's not a bad idea to split the regular chores between you, and make a sort of schedule for keeping on top of things.
You also said work isn't great - is it possible that your job is leaving you feeling deflated/unmotivated at the end of the day, so the last thing you want to do is clean anything or cook? Because, believe me, I feel you on that one.
We don't really have things divided into work each of us does... we do it together but i do feel like it's my job to do stuff most of the time. that's just how i was raised
1- realize that you don't need to have a perfectly clean home every night. I would guess that most people don't. LIfe is busy.
2- PLEASE realize that it's not 1950. It is not YOUR job, as the woman, to take care of your home. If 2 people live there, then it's the job of TWO people to keep it clean.
We don't really have things divided into work each of us does... we do it together but i do feel like it's my job to do stuff most of the time. that's just how i was raised
This is where I'm perplexed. You feel compelled to do the household duties, but don't do them. You say you have realistic standards, but you fail to meet them. Tackle a room a day. Do minimal maintenance after work so it doesn't pile up on you. Your husband is helping you. If you don't want him to, then yes, you have to step it up on doing shit. I don't get it, but to each their own.
I do think if you were naturally inclined to be that orderly or clean you just would be. I think you just feel guilty because you think you're not up to snuff, and that's where the anxiety comes in. You don't have to be your mother.
Wasn't frkls just singing the praises of ChoreMonster for kids? Try that? Keeping a home should feel like a project, but it shouldn't give you anxiety as a general whole.
We don't really have things divided into work each of us does... we do it together but i do feel like it's my job to do stuff most of the time. that's just how i was raised
The bolded above? That's weird. Presumably, you and your husband are both adults, and as such, you are both responsible for contributing to household maintenance. Why would that be all you?
Chore chart? Block out a few hours one weekend day, every weekend, just to get everything in order the way you like it? And don't ask/tell your husband not to help. He lives there too and contributes to the mess, I'm assuming, so he can contribute to cleaning it up, as well.
Well, I'm 33 and we've been living under the same roof for eight years and we don't have it all together so there's that. Our house usually looks like a tornado hit it, but most of that is thanks to a small child with too many toys.
For starters - sit down together and talk about expectations. I don't tend to do my H's laundry because he's weird about it, so I let him do his own. He doesn't usually do mine, because I have too many items that have to be washed a certain way. Either way, one of us throws in Child's clothes once or twice a week so one of us isn't doing it all the time.
As far as dinner/meals, our general rule is whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. I tend to cook more often than not, because I hate doing dishes with the fire of a thousand suns. H usually does the trash, because I'm usually putting Child to bed while he's rounding up the garbage.
Both of you need to pick up after yourselves. Don't expect him to pick up your clothes off the floor and vice versa.
If you are paying bills out of a joint account, figure out who will be in charge of that. Make a budget and both of you stick to it. If you have separate accounts, figure out who is paying which bills.
We don't really have things divided into work each of us does... we do it together but i do feel like it's my job to do stuff most of the time. that's just how i was raised
The bolded above? That's weird. Presumably, you and your husband are both adults, and as such, you are both responsible for contributing to household maintenance. Why would that be all you?
Eh, I don't think it's that weird. I felt this way for a long time as well. I wasn't raised this way but it was the environment that I grew up in, if that makes sense.
As a pp said, I need more background. Are you looking for emotional support or household tips? Both? Are you up until 1 am mopping the floors are do you come home from work, climb over the 27 old pizza boxes on the way to the couch, and stay there until bed time? What are your work hours like? Do you have kids/pets? Does one dust bunny send you into fits of anger and anxiety, or is your house seriously being neglected? Does your husband imply that your skills are lacking? Do your parents?
First, it's not the woman's job to do all the housework. Since you lived at home until age 28, I'm guessing you come from a community with rather patriarchal values. You don't have to continue these values if you don't share them. It's perfectly ok for your husband to share the housework, and in fact, it's only fair that he does.
But if you do want to do it all...honestly, it's not that hard to keep an apartment relatively tidy. Clean up after yourself as you go, wash the dishes after each meal, dust, vacuum, and mop once a week.
Also, what are your specific problem areas? If you break down the "ahhh it's all messy" into specific tasks, it will be a lot less daunting. For example, we tend to accumulate stuff on the dining room table. Since our dining room is the central room in our house, I feel like table clutter makes the whole house look messy. So I try extra hard to not dump stuff there. Our other area is dog fur. We have wood floors, but if I don't vacuum twice a week, you can start to see it on the area rugs and furniture. So I do that.
Post by hopecounts on Nov 12, 2013 13:53:10 GMT -5
Sit down with your DH and write out everythingt hat needs to be done, daily/weekly/monthly/seasonally then split it up and assign them days of the week/month to be done. take 45 minutes a night to attack whats on your to do list and just knock it out. It sucks after a day of work but then once its done you can sit back and feel good because its done plus it feels less overwhelming if its just a couple/few things and a set time.
Post by IrishBelle on Nov 12, 2013 13:54:14 GMT -5
Back before kids, DH and I both worked long days and had too much going on during the week to get anything other than the basics done. Sunday mornings was our time to get our shit done. Pick a time that works for you and do it. It may mean doing things for shorter periods of time every day or picking a few hours on a weekend and do what needs to be done.
Post by Saint Monica on Nov 12, 2013 13:58:47 GMT -5
Eventually you will learn that there are way bigger fucking things/problems, etc. that you need to focus on that the level of cleanliness really wont matter.