My DD was in a public restroom after dance class today and a couple of her friends were there too. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and said, "I really like the way I look today."
I was all, "What?" She repeated herself. I didn't know what to say! I told her "You look adorable but we usually don't say things like that about ourselves." (WTF?)
Part of me felt that she could be seen as vain and obnoxious and part of me was like go ahead girl. Werrrrk!
WTF this is a mixed message! What would you do if your child said this type of thing in front of other people? I love that she is confident, but I don't want people to think she's stuck on herself.
Not a parent but I don't think I'd shut down "I really like the way I look today".
She wasn't saying she is always perfect or anything, and she wasn't putting anyone else down.
I feel like this is the product of all of the "you go girl" stuff out there. (powerful songs by/for females, etc).
I'd say something if she got out of control (like, my mom had to tell me not to puffy paint "I'm the best!" type of stuff on my t-shirts), but I think it's great she was loving herself today.
I'd probably say "You DO look super cute!". Girls get beaten down enough from society as a whole. I don't think you need to worry about keeping her in check. She wasn't like "I'm so much prettier than the other girls here today!", she just made a statement about her feelings towards herself with no putting down of others. I think that's a good thing.
Although this is coming from someone with a little sister who is devastatingly self conscious and has been debilitated this year by chronic panic attacks so I am allllll about the building up right now and I am probably not thinking about the other end of this spectrum.
Not a parent yet, but I don't think I'd have a problem with a little girl saying something like that. I know you felt really on-the-spot, and honestly I have no idea what I would have actually said in a situation like that. In hindsight, I'd probably wish that I'd said something about how nice it feels to feel like you look good, and how it's even nicer when someone else tells you look good (as a way of getting her to realize that it's a really nice way to compliment somebody else).
Not a parent yet, but I don't think I'd have a problem with a little girl saying something like that. I know you felt really on-the-spot, and honestly I have no idea what I would have actually said in a situation like that. In hindsight, I'd probably wish that I'd said something about how nice it feels to feel like you look good, and how it's even nicer when someone else tells you look good (as a way of getting her to realize that it's a really nice way to compliment somebody else).
Yeah, I think this would have been a nice teachable moment, or something you can backtrack on now. "It's so nice when we feel good about ourselves especially because it helps us make others feel good too!"
I don't know. I think our generation only views it as obnoxiousness because we've been taught that we need to qualify or downplay every damn thing we might possibly be proud of because we're girls.
Little girls are so hard to navigate sometimes Sorry you got put on the spot bab.
I didn't "shoot her down" I just wanted her to be in check. We were in public not at home. Even her friend was like, "Okayyyy Abby we get it!" LOL She said it in a funny way but I didn't want my DD to come off like some stuck up chick.
When my kids said stuff like this, I would generally say something approving. Why would you tell her to not say that? "I really like the way I look" is a reasonable thing for a child to say to its mother.
She wasn't saying it to me! She was smiling at herself in the mirror of a public bathroom. I heard her as I was exiting the stall and I was like "what?" I was not upset or anything, it just made me stop for a second.
Post by bohemianmango on Mar 3, 2014 2:14:30 GMT -5
I have two young daughters. I get what you're saying but I would probably say, "I like the way you look every day" or agree with her. I don't think there's a problem with showing confidence or admiring oneself. Little girls deserve a chance to feel that way about themselves and express it. Of course, some people can take it a little too far but still people, especially little girls, should feel comfortable feeling that way about themselves. ETA: I posted too soon. Also, this is coming from someone who had body image issues which started in childhood.
I have two young daughters. I get what you're saying but I would probably say, "I like the way you look every day" or agree with her. I don't think there's a problem with showing confidence or admiring oneself. Little girls deserve a chance to feel that way about themselves and express.
Not a parent yet, but I don't think I'd have a problem with a little girl saying something like that. I know you felt really on-the-spot, and honestly I have no idea what I would have actually said in a situation like that. In hindsight, I'd probably wish that I'd said something about how nice it feels to feel like you look good, and how it's even nicer when someone else tells you look good (as a way of getting her to realize that it's a really nice way to compliment somebody else).
Yeah, I think this would have been a nice teachable moment, or something you can backtrack on now. "It's so nice when we feel good about ourselves especially because it helps us make others feel good too!"
I don't know. I think our generation only views it as obnoxiousness because we've been taught that we need to qualify or downplay every damn thing we might possibly be proud of because we're girls.
Little girls are so hard to navigate sometimes Sorry you got put on the spot bab.
See, I'm also torn because I think our society as a whole places too much emphasis on how girls and women LOOK and tend to ignore other qualities. It's so hard -- I know when I'm around my niece the first thing I usually compliment is her appearance (or her cute clothes), and then I kick myself for choosing to compliment THAT instead of telling her how nice she is, how smart or creative she is, what a good friend, etc.
My DD was in a public restroom after dance class today and a couple of her friends were there too. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and said, "I really like the way I look today."Â
I was all, "What?" She repeated herself. I didn't know what to say! I told her "You look adorable but we usually don't say things like that about ourselves." (WTF?)
When my kids said stuff like this, I would generally say something approving. Why would you tell her to not say that? "I really like the way I look" is a reasonable thing for a child to say to its mother.
You had boys. I can't help but feel like we're socialized to treat confident boys completely differently from confident girls.
No dig at you personally Sue Sue, I hope you understand.
bab FWIW I think the danger lies not in your daughter feeling good about the way she looks but in feeling that's the only thing she has to offer. She should be pleased with her appearance but I can completely understand the parental concern that she'll become stuck up or appearance focused. If you continue to encourage her accomplishments she has control over, I've no doubt she'll be a well rounded human being.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Mar 3, 2014 2:49:58 GMT -5
I don't see the issue with her saying this, in fact I think it's amazing and I would be thrilled if I could raise my daughter to say the same things about herself. Just because she liked the way she looked does not mean that she can't appreciate other parts about herself. Just because she liked the way she looked does not mean that she will put her entire worth in how she looks. And just because she liked the way she looked does not mean that she will be stuck up or snooty or unable to recognize the good parts in other people. Let her have these moments of confidence and embrace them and encourage them. She is going to have so many moments in her life when she doubts herself and these little moments (and remembering that you embraced them) will help her have a good base. Self confidence is a good thing.
But this is coming from a person who was often told that I was not *insert chosen adjective here* enough and I have horrendous self esteem and it has held me back in a lot of ways.
I didn't "shoot her down" I just wanted her to be in check. We were in public not at home. Even her friend was like, "Okayyyy Abby we get it!" LOL She said it in a funny way but I didn't want my DD to come off like some stuck up chick.
I don't know.
I think the general point people are trying to make is that it is unfortunate that society assumes that girls who are able to speak up and say "I like the way I look!" are stuck up, like it is something shameful to think about yourself and should only be communicated in the privacy of your bedroom or to your closest loved ones LOL!
Either way, I think it's okay to let her feel this one out with her peers. Either they think she is being stuck up and they will promptly make sure she checks her self confidence at the door, as little girls are prone to do to each other. Or they won't care and everyone is happy. I don't think you'd be doing her any great harm by not worrying about it, or just redirecting it with a comment like "Yep, but didn't you have so much fun at dance? Look at all that practice you are putting in!" if your concern is that she will overvalue appearance.
I don't know. I'm sort of starting from scratch with my sister and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with confusion. Whooooo knows anymore.
how it's even nicer when someone else tells you look good
I strongly disagree with this. I don't want my kid's sense of self worth to depend on someone else. There are plenty of other ways to teach a kid to be nice and give compliments that don't imply heropinions are less worthy than those of others.
When my kids said stuff like this, I would generally say something approving. Why would you tell her to not say that? "I really like the way I look" is a reasonable thing for a child to say to its mother.
You had boys. I can't help but feel like we're socialized to treat confident boys completely differently from confident girls.
No dig at you personally Sue Sue, I hope you understand.
So let's not pass that along to another generation of little girls. If any of you hear me telling my kid she should be meeker, more modest, or less confident just because she has two X chromosomes then smack me upside the head.
"I like the way I look" in no way implies you think any less of how someone else looks. If she had compared herself to hr friend in a mean way that would have been a different matter.
You had boys. I can't help but feel like we're socialized to treat confident boys completely differently from confident girls.
No dig at you personally Sue Sue, I hope you understand.
So let's not pass that along to another generation of little girls. If any of you hear me telling my kid she should be meeker, more modest, or less confident just because she has two X chromosomes then smack me upside the head.
"I like the way I look" in no way implies you think any less of how someone else looks. If she had compared herself to hr friend in a mean way that would have been a diffeurent matter.
I love that she said it. My 13 year old says it on occasion and it is sooooo much nicer to hear than "I am so fat/my hair is frizzy/I hate my nose etc". Trust me those days are coming soon. Navigating bringing up girls and all the feelings about their appearance is not for the weak. Good luck.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Mar 3, 2014 7:08:12 GMT -5
I think it's wonderful that she said that. We are taught that it's not okay to admire ourselves, but I really believe it's important for us to, as sonrisa said, get our confidence from ourselves - not from others.
I also think that's where appreciation of other women comes from, too. Insecurity breeds jealousy, so the fact that she can look at herself in the mirror and say, "YES! I look great today!"is such a gift.
Have you seen the Jessica's Daily Affirmation video? It's so beautiful.
I don't think that this was worth shutting down. I don't have children, but I always consciously encouraged my little sister to be self assured and confident.
I keep coming back to this thread. I don't get it. At all. Go now to your DD and tell her how proud you are of her and how beautiful she is inside and out EVERY day.
I keep coming back to this thread. I don't get it. At all. Go now to your DD and tell her how proud you are of her and how beautiful she is inside and out EVERY day.
Okay, I know bab and she is a wonderful mom who tells her daughters how beautiful they are and how proud she is of them all the time. If anything her daughter's comment is proof of the confidence she is attempting to instill in them.
Had I overheard a little girl say this, I probably would've given her a high five. Had I heard her mother correct her with "we don't say those things, but you are adorable" I would've thought that was obnoxious. Maybe she really liked her outfit, or how she looked after dance class, or liked her hair. She's giving herself a confidence boost. Most little kids don't quite have the inner monologue down yet, and say whatever they're thinking. Good for her for not looking in the mirror and saying "ugh, I need to stop eating chocolate, it's going straight to my hips."
I keep coming back to this thread. I don't get it. At all. Go now to your DD and tell her how proud you are of her and how beautiful she is inside and out EVERY day.
Are you kidding? I already tell her that! Did you read the OP? My only concern was that I did not want her to seem like she was bragging in front of others. I guess this is just crazy on my part. MY BAD!!!
I think it's so great that she said that. Makes me happy just reading it.
I get that you were caught off guard (I am horrible at coming up with things on the spot, especially when it's responses to kids). I get that. Totally.
But... I am having a lot of trouble understanding the need to "keep her in check" thing. And honestly, "we don't say things like that about ourselves" is really bothering me.
Maybe it's because of my own personal stuff - I had some self esteem issues growing up, and instead of making comments like your daughter made, I would often talk negatively about myself. If I had a daughter who was complimenting herself instead of putting herself down, I would embrace and encourage that. I get that you don't want to encourage vanity. But I think it's possible to show her that it's okay to love how she looks, and build self confidence, without being vain.
I think it's so important to teach girls that it's 100% OK to love themselves, and how they look. Idk. I'm rambling, I guess this post just hit a nerve.
One time, I told my mom I thought my eye color was really great and she told me that saying things like that makes you sound stuck up. I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. I was 13 and in middle school so there wasn't anything else I DID like about myself. I am not saying that you did the same for your daughter (at all--my mom is super weird about looks stuff), but moms have such power when it comes to looks and they don't even realize. I worry about how to handle similar situations as L gets older.