Is this cheating? or almost? (LOOOOOONG... sorry) update p4

[thelurkylulu]

How the hell do you look up someone's Facebook search history?

[wambam]

The red flag is not that he FB'd someone he met a work (errrrrybody does that), but that he was shady about it.

[RoxMonster]

Mar 6, 2014 6:46:19 GMT -5 thelurkylulu said:

How the hell do you look up someone's Facebook search history?

I don't know if you can search others' search history, but you can view your own.

Go to "activity log", then on the left hand side, click on "more." At the veeeery bottom, it says "search." Click on that and everything you've done or searched for on FB comes up. You can also clear your search history.

If OP has her H's FB log-in, she could see his search history. Or maybe she was talking about Internet search history? Not sure.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Well, it certainly doesn't sound mutual, as other posters have noted. Sounds to me like he was lying and being shady, but I don't think this is a deal breaker.

(Ps: Autocorrect changed "posters" to "players" when I typed it first. ML playahhhhhs).

[thelurkylulu]

Mar 6, 2014 7:15:46 GMT -5 RoxMonster said:

Mar 6, 2014 6:46:19 GMT -5 thelurkylulu said:

How the hell do you look up someone's Facebook search history?

I don't know if you can search others' search history, but you can view your own.

Go to "activity log", then on the left hand side, click on "more." At the veeeery bottom, it says "search." Click on that and everything you've done or searched for on FB comes up. You can also clear your search history.

If OP has her H's FB log-in, she could see his search history. Or maybe she was talking about Internet search history? Not sure.

Oh okay. I have used the activity log, but I've never noticed the history option. I was hoping random people couldn't view your search history. That could be terribly embarrassing, if you have Facebook stalking tendencies.

[kayakjenn]

It sounds like a crush where he was really hoping to have more contact, even if it was just "innocent" flirting through email.

I'm happily married but admit there are guys I look forward to seeing at yearly meetings because they're cool or funny but I don't think I've ever looked up their FB pages and have never tried to have any contact outside of those meetings. I am always interested in meeting their wives or girlfriends when we have family trips because I'm nosy.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Well, now I'm interested how the OP found out about the FB stalking. How did you find this info?

I dunno, I can't see snooping on someone you reeeeeeally truly think is innocent. And I'm nosy as hell.

[Deleted]

if you have to hide it from your spouse, it is cheating. BUT....it sounds like he was interested but she wasn't.

[BaliHai]

I'm guessing OP logged into her H's Facebook and went into his Activity Log and then Search and saw his history that way - she said gizmoto just ran an article about the search history thing (so did Buzzfeed).

Anyway. This wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but my feelings would certainly be hurt, and my mind would be running off in the "What if she HAD responded in a more friendly/flirty way to his group emails? How far would things have gone?" direction, so counseling would definitely be in order for us.

I'm sorry, OP. Not that it makes it okay, but hopefully this is just a complacency issue and not anything bigger. Hugs.

[vanillacourage]

Playing devil's advocate, I've had email groups set up specifically for people doing webinar or other training a with me, as a way to facilitate ongoing conversation. They've usually fizzled out after the trainings are over so I've never felt it necessary to leave the group or delete an account, but it's possible that after you confronted him about the FB thing he wanted every single thing to do with this girl out of his life out of respect to you and how seriously you were taking it.

I think he had a crush. I don't think it's as emergent a situation as others are working you up to believe, but I agree that counseling could be beneficial.

[gullterre15]

OP I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but I commend you with confronting it head on and NOT meeting shady with shady by trying to "catch" your DH doing something more. I agree with PP in the fact that you need t get to counseling pronto.

IMHO my theory about the FB searches is that he would search for her, go on her profile page and look at her pics or other items that were public.....not everyone has their profile on complete lockdown. I have done that before in that I did not want to out myself to someone that I was FB stalking by outright friending them. You can often see their past profile pics, etc, some posts, and a few other things without ever being friends. BUT I can do that bc I am single and ready to mingle!

I agree that the email was a ploy to try and bring her into conversation, but I don't think that he had any clue where he would go from there if she id show interest. It's a GOOD sign that he deleted the account because he was like "Oh crap I gotta cut all of this out and refocus."

Counseling.

[missyny]

I want to be honest with you. If this were my life, I would be completely freaking the fuck out! Big time. He has initiated a path of deception that only leads to one place.
If you love him, get to professional marriage counseling STAT.

Good luck!

[pantsparty]

You guys have a joint email account?

[Saint Monica]

OP, how old are each of you?

He reacted by crying for just looking someone up that he thinks is hot?

[Deleted]

I don't think it's cheating at this point, without knowing anything more.

However, it is troubling that he had this other email account and (A) didn't tell you (a lie of omission) and (B) deleted it.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[cuddlyevil]

I was initially thinking you were over-reacting, until I got to the part of the deleted e-mail account. Maybe he got it for work stuff...but then why delete it? It does sound like at the very least he was fishing and it didn't pan out.

Regardless, this is an issue for you so you two need to see a counselor to see if you can fix this.

Good luck.

[Deleted]

Agree he was fishing for attention at a minimum. Not enough data to tell if he has a cheating problem. I'd get thee to counseling before this bubbles up into big problem territory.

[looseseal]

Mar 6, 2014 8:57:47 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

You guys have a joint email account?

We kind of have one, too. We just use it for our utility auto-pay e-mails, mortgage info, shipment confirmations, etc. It's like our e-mail version of a home phone line. I've always also had my own, but H rarely uses e-mail so he didn't get his own, separate e-mail account until a few years ago. I always feel like I need to defend myself when it gets made fun of here, even though when I look at it, it seems different than what you all make fun of.

[Deleted]

I guess nothing in this post seems that bad to me. He searched for someone on fb, admitted to thinking another girl is pretty, and opened a private email account.

I search for people on fb ALL the time, I think other man are attractive, and I have TWO private email addresses. None if it indicates that I am cheating on H--because I am not.

I really think you are overreacting. You threatened to leave him if he ever thought another girl was pretty that is probably why he deleted his seemingly made for work email because he thought you would freak and leave if you found it.

[Deleted]

I don't understand why he needed to open his own gmail account to email people from work. Does he not have a work email? That is suspicious to me and the worst part of the whole story. Having a secret email is never a good thing

Thinking someone is pretty and googling her who cares. If my husband only thought I was pretty and never looked at another woman there would be something wrong with him.

BTW I think mp put it perfectly

[juliette21]

It doesn't really matter what any of us think, everyone has different thresholds for boundaries, behavior, etc. If you are this upset about it, you should try to work it out with him or a counselor to get past it.

I also don't think it's immediate divorce territory, but it does concern me that he would be so willing to set up a private account and almost set the stage (IMO) for an emotional affair to begin. I would be incredibly hurt by this. I don't care if my H finds someone attractive or cute or whatever. That's normal. Even looking them up on FB is not a big deal.

But making plans to have private contact with the person, reaching out to them when you really don't need to, that is the stuff that is a huge red flag to me. I would be so worried about what that says about his character. It's devious. And not to get hysterical, but I feel like it's the behavior of someone willing to cheat if they have the opportunity.

I think talking this out with a counselor together is what you need.

[cville]

I think OP and her husband need to work this out between them. Personally, I'm not too bothered by crushes since we're both married, not dead, but neither of us have ever done anything shady w/r/t those crushes. I don't like anything that isn't totally aboveboard.


What I've learned from this post is that you can look at someone's FB search history, which, if my husband was to look at mine, would be no good. Since a few days ago a friend and I spent about an hour trolling his FB friends list (he has like 700) looking for attractive single men for her. And I totally creeped on my husband's high school friend's page because his high school friend is SO FREAKING HOT. But the husband and I already have a deal that I'm allowed to message him and see where things lead should the husband die.

[Deleted]

It's not cheating... but in my mind it is the pre-cursor to cheating.


That sucks. I had a BF who did this. Dropped him like a bad habit. But an H is different.


I would confront him about the messages but I am a crazy bitch like that.

[Christina]

I'd feel exactly the same as you do. I think he was just trying to get some attention. It seems innocent enough. I'd really just try to move on. From what you said you guys seem to have a great relationship. I wouldn't let this get in the way.

[livinitup]

I would be really upset with my husband if he felt like I was a cheater or threatened divorce because I said I thought someone was good looking, googled the guy a bunch, emailed the work-guy in a group/indiv. and then deleted the email account when H got upset at any/all contact with the guy.

I would be furious that our otherwise wonderful relationship- that I love and work REALLY hard at was thrown into jeopardy, questioned and shredded because of this stuff.

If you have trust issues, please work on your trust issues. Don't make your partner a villain. You can destroy a healthy, high functioning relationship - WORTHY of your trust- because you have unresolved trust issues that bubble-up and weak havoc for both of you.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

A crush, FB stalking, etc isn't really a big deal to me. It's the secret e-mail and fishing for attention from her that would concern me.

[jwright]

I think the FB stalking on a shadiness scale of 1-10 would be a zero in my relationship. The email, maybe a 3.

But if it bothers you, then you and he need to talk about it to make it work for YOUR relationship.

[TrickyBob]

I would be upset because I would feel like I was being lied to. But I don't think this is grounds for divorce and I would not continue stalking his e-mail. I would talk this out, talk about your relationship, and try to move past it.

It could be the gateway to cheating, it could be just general facebook creeping, or it could be absolutely nothing. My guess? He was facebook creeping and just kept checking in to see what she was up to. I've done that to people I am not friends with, don't want to be friends with, but maybe they put something on their facebook that made me check back in to see if they updated.

I wouldn't go extreme in either direction; sweeping it under the rug vs divorce, there is a middle ground here. And I hope you guys are able to find that.

[dublin]

Mar 6, 2014 10:24:40 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I would be really upset with my husband if he felt like I was a cheater or threatened divorce because I said I thought someone was good looking, googled the guy a bunch, emailed the work-guy in a group/indiv. and then deleted the email account when H got upset at any/all contact with the guy.

I would be furious that our otherwise wonderful relationship- that I love and work REALLY hard at was thrown into jeopardy, questioned and shredded because of this stuff.

If you have trust issues, please work on your trust issues. Don't make your partner a villain. You can destroy a healthy, high functioning relationship - WORTHY of your trust- because you have unresolved trust issues that bubble-up and weak havoc for both of you.

I'm just a lurker but....this is the only post that makes sense to me in this thread

[Deleted]

Also I would just like to say, I checked my account log search history on FB just now and it is very very wrong. On multiple days it says I have searched for the same person multiple times. Today for example it says I searched for someone 6 times within 10 minutes. I searched for them once today, so WTF?

So H may not be as stalker-ish of this chick as you think.