I would be really upset with my husband if he felt like I was a cheater or threatened divorce because I said I thought someone was good looking, googled the guy a bunch, emailed the work-guy in a group/indiv. and then deleted the email account when H got upset at any/all contact with the guy.
I would be furious that our otherwise wonderful relationship- that I love and work REALLY hard at was thrown into jeopardy, questioned and shredded because of this stuff.
If you have trust issues, please work on your trust issues. Don't make your partner a villain. You can destroy a healthy, high functioning relationship - WORTHY of your trust- because you have unresolved trust issues that bubble-up and weak havoc for both of you.
Post by Bananaparte on Mar 6, 2014 13:17:07 GMT -5
As a woman i think I would be freaking out too..But taking a step back. My husband is a friendly guy. We've become FB friends and followed people on IG when we've met them at bars. So I wouldn't be surprised if my husband did that with someone he worked with on a training trip or something similar. Granted we shared a FB, so maybe that's the difference, but we don't share IG's and I think he would do the same. He admits to me all the time girls that he thinks are pretty or attractive. The e-mail thing doesn't alarm me either. Opening a separate e-mail for a work event seems okay, so to keep everything in one place. (I know I'm probably over thinking this) It seems like when you brought it up, maybe he remembered the e-mail was there, and to get rid of all traces of this girl, he deleted it. The only alarming part is that he didn't mention the e-mail address when you brought it up. Seems like it would have been a good time for full disclosure if he hadn't really done anything wrong. But maybe he forgot about it? I don't know....I hope this helps and maybe eases your mind about it. But you're definitely not wrong for being concerned. It's your marriage and you have to protect what's yours.
Also I would just like to say, I checked my account log search history on FB just now and it is very very wrong. On multiple days it says I have searched for the same person multiple times. Today for example it says I searched for someone 6 times within 10 minutes. I searched for them once today, so WTF?
So H may not be as stalker-ish of this chick as you think.
Post by neeeeeedadvice on Mar 6, 2014 13:55:19 GMT -5
Just logging in quick to update during my lunch break...
Thank you all for the replies. I needed somewhere to vent and have my feelings acknowledged, validated and even questioned, and I definitely got that. I'm in a better place this morning after a loooooong talk. I agree that both things he did seem innocuous on their own. But I do think the timing didn't help the situation. When I looked up his search history on FB, mostly out of curiosity after reading that it was possible to do that, he was sitting right next to me in the living room. I figured I'd show him what came up and I was fine with him creeping. I'm sure I expected to find an ex or two and we'd laugh and it would be no big deal. Obviously I wasn't prepared to find someone I didn't know, and find her name many more times I was comfortable with. I also felt guilty for thinking anything was going on, and waited to confront him after a couple days of it continuing to bother me. The red flag wasn't the searching itself, it was the reaction he had when I asked him about it. he was defensive, immature and not like himself at all. He said he was going to delete FB and just got overly dramatic. Which again, not like him at all. He did calm down and he seemed upset with himself when I told him how his reaction was making me feel. Thats why he cried and apologized. He repeatedly told me he never intended to hurt me.
We talked till four in the morning last night. He is either oblivious and naive, or conniving and manipulative. I know the man I married and I truly think its the former. But it doesn't mean that he shouldn't be more in tune with how his actions make me feel.
I know that you guys can only make assumptions based on the small amount of information I put on here and there's sooo much more I could add and explain but at the end of the day I think that I need therapy to talk about my trust issues and he needs a refresher on healthy boundaries and not doing "innocent" things that might be misconstrued or make him look like he's fishing for something.
I think we are going to be ok. I know he loves me and our marriage is strong. Cheating is a dealbreaker for both of us and while this may not have been cheating, it felt dishonest and shady. So off to therapy we go!