Post by neeeeeedadvice on Mar 6, 2014 0:19:58 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I'm a long-time lurker here. I have a situation that I can't talk to anyone in RL about... yet. I created this account to post about it in case I ever decide to post again and don't want this name associated with whats going on right now. Sorry it's sooo goddamn long and barely legible but i need to get this out...
So here's my story: married 5 and a half years. Been together 8. We have a great marriage, sex life etc. We have a 2 yo daughter that DH is an amazing father to. Seemingly the perfect marriage if you ask family, friends and what I thought too. Well, this all changed when I decided to snoop and look at DH's search history on FB. (gizmodo just ran a story on this and I was bored and curious and NEVER thought I would actually find anything.) I do admit that I am an obsessive googler when it comes to daily life. But I've never had trust issues with DH so these skills had NEVER had to be used on him or something he did before. Well a girls name kept popping up in his search history, twice or more times a week since january. I didn't know her so I fell down the snooping rabbit hole and figured out that its a girl in the same line of work as he is, only 2000 miles away. I figured out that it must've been someone DH met when he went out out town for a work training in mid-January. There were no messages between them, they're not friends on FB, and I have honestly never had a reason not to trust him. So I decided to confront him after a couple of days of letting it stew.
So I did and he got defensive before finally admitting that it was indeed a girl he met and his exact words, "i thought she was pretty, but that's it". I broke down crying because I NEVER thought he would ever admit that. I figured he would say it was a work thing or something. Well after hours of both of us talking, and crying, he said nothing happened. Nothing would ever happen. And he would never want to hurt me or be without me. He told me he loves me and loves our daughter and he would never want to lose us. He said he was just being nosy. And he said he had no feelings for this person whatsoever. So I believed him, but told him that nothing like this better happen again, because I would leave him. Trust is a huge issue for me and I was completely serious. He agreed and was overly-enthusiastic in making up for it... (TMI? nah. It's ML!) We went on a lunch date today and had a great afternoon.
Well tonight, I checked out joint email (that he mostly uses) for some login info for another website. And in the junk mail folder was a confirmation for a deleted gmail account. My heart sank. And I am angry that he is smart enough to open an account that I don't know about, but stupid enough to not hide his tracks. I was able to open the account and saw that he specifically opened it to email other people that attended that work training. He sent out the very first email to the group and told them he could be reached at that address. he sent a few follow-up group emails about work and one about the weather. In a couple of them he addressed the girl directly. Nothing flirtacious but definitely trying to have small talk. She never replied more than a few words and then others would reply.
So... WTF do I do. Do I tell him I know about the email account? I want to be happy that he closed it. But the fact that he opened it in the first place is so fucking shady and gross that I want to walk away right now. I really think that he is honest in saying he would never cheat. But isn't this how it starts? FUUUUUCCCKKK. Somebody tell me what to do.
From what you've said here, he might have been fishing for some attention from this chick but it didn't pan out.
What's your relationship look like?
Like, I FB search for dudes I work with all the damn time (really, because I'm mostly a snoopy whore and I like to confirm how geeky these guys are because we are in IT), but I've never gone so far as to open and delete an email account.
Ugh. I don't know how I would feel about this. Big hugs to you.
Post by neeeeeedadvice on Mar 6, 2014 0:32:44 GMT -5
Thank you. It hurts a lot because we really are great together and our relationship seemed better and stronger than ever. I told him that I am not stupid or naive enough to think he won't ever be attracted to anyone else, celebrity or otherwise. But the fact that he's continuously searched for her profile since they met is not ok. And if the email was innocent, then why couldn't he send it from the account he uses regularly? Not adding up.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 6, 2014 0:34:46 GMT -5
I think you should go to counseling because it is clear that this is not something you are going to get over on your own. Whether or not it's actually a big deal to "us" won't change the fact that you think it is and not seeking out a neutral place to talk about it will only chip away at your marriage.
I think you should go to counseling because it is clear that this is not something you are going to get over on your own. Whether or not it's actually a big deal to "us" won't change the fact that you think it is and not seeking out a neutral place to talk about it will only chip away at your marriage.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
This girl was just a regular girl.. not a celebrity/well-known person/etc, yes? Yep, just a regular girl, a bit younger, 2000 miles away from where we live.
He said he just saw her and googled because he was interested because of whatever? he said he searched for her on fb, "just being nosy"
You later found out, after asking and him denying, that she was in fact a coworker? not a coworker, just in his same line of work. They attended the same training and he met her there.
Now, I'm not saying this is how cheating starts.. but this IS how a life of lying starts. Sometimes people are just liars and lie because they can (my ex was one). I need more info though.
And I am sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how the uncertainty must hurt. It does. thank you
I don't think it's cheating but I think he is being creepy and I would be pissed about his current induction to the creeper club what with searching for her multiple times a week.
Just friend her and let it be the harmless work crush that it is if it's no big deal, H!
Isn't it possible they were chatting on FB but deleted the messages?
Uuuugggghhhh. Anything is possible. But there weren't any emails directly to her from the shady account. Just group emails where she was included. (not that that means anything at this point)
Isn't it possible they were chatting on FB but deleted the messages?
Uuuugggghhhh. Anything is possible. But there weren't any emails directly to her from the shady account. Just group emails where she was included. (not that that means anything at this point)
No need to create trouble where there isn't any. Deal with what you do know before you start needlessly start torturing yourself with possibilities.
Isn't it possible they were chatting on FB but deleted the messages?
Uuuugggghhhh. Anything is possible. But there weren't any emails directly to her from the shady account. Just group emails where she was included. (not that that means anything at this point)
Unless he is doing something mega under the radar, I think he is probably just crushing. But the fact that he is doing it sort of obsessively and seemingly hidden from you is sort of odd. I don't think marriage needs to be an open book 100% of the time or anything, but a good rule of thumb is that if you feel like you should hide something, then you probably need to be talking about that something instead.
Post by CheshireGrin on Mar 6, 2014 0:50:32 GMT -5
I think he created the other email address as an excuse to initiate contact with her, and he included other people from the group so it wouldn't seem (to her?) like he was singling her out. It also sounds like she didn't bite.
Deleting it either means that getting caught by you was a wake-up call and he realizes how close he came to seriously screwing up something he doesn't want to lose (i.e. your marriage, you) OR it just means that he realizes he almost got caught and now he's going to be more devious.
That's my interpretation anyway. I'm not sure that I would count it as cheating yet, but it certainly sounds deceitful to me and I think he was headed in that direction.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 6, 2014 0:51:01 GMT -5
As supportive and as amazing as the ML board can be, it is always very good at working people into a frenzy and helping to make mountains out of molehills. Seriously, just go talk to a therapist about it.
Uuuugggghhhh. Anything is possible. But there weren't any emails directly to her from the shady account. Just group emails where she was included. (not that that means anything at this point)
Unless he is doing something mega under the radar, I think he is probably just crushing. But the fact that he is doing it sort of obsessively and seemingly hidden from you is sort of odd. I don't think marriage needs to be an open book 100% of the time or anything, but a good rule of thumb is that if you feel like you should hide something, then you probably need to be talking about that something instead.
As supportive and as amazing as the ML board can be, it is always very good at working people into a frenzy and helping to make mountains out of molehills. Seriously, just go talk to a therapist about it.
Thank you. You're right. I know I won't get over this on my own. Especially now that I found the shady gmail account he hid from me. He doesn't know I found it yet and he definitely didn't offer up that it existed when we talked last night.
Therapy it is. I can't and won't live with lying and deceit.
I'm trying to calm down enough to go to bed and maybe talk in the morning. Best part is that we're leaving on Sunday to go visit my family for a week. Would it be terrible if I cancel his plane ticket? haha.
As supportive and as amazing as the ML board can be, it is always very good at working people into a frenzy and helping to make mountains out of molehills. Seriously, just go talk to a therapist about it.
Thank you. You're right. I know I won't get over this on my own. Especially now that I found the shady gmail account he hid from me. He doesn't know I found it yet and he definitely didn't offer up that it existed when we talked last night.
Therapy it is. I can't and won't live with lying and deceit.
I'm trying to calm down enough to go to bed and maybe talk in the morning. Best part is that we're leaving on Sunday to go visit my family for a week. Would it be terrible if I cancel his plane ticket? haha.
I reeeaaaallllyyy don't think you have some sort of imminent marriage ending issue going on here, and it doesn't sound like anyone else does either. Sometimes people get curious and they don't know how to handle it appropriately. It sounds like maybe you guys just need a tune up on boundaries and being inclusive with each other. Definitely something to address and work through, but more on the "my husband is being a weirdo and I think he needs an adult" end of the spectrum.
Post by neeeeeedadvice on Mar 6, 2014 1:07:33 GMT -5
Thank you to everyone for reading and for the great advice. I'm sorry it was soo long and I rambled so much. Im sure it got super confusing. I will check back in the morning or I'm just going to keep getting myself worked up :/
I'm just wondering, does she have a fairly common first and last name? If so, could that have been part of the reason, he was looking for so long? Not to excuse his sneakiness, but it might be less "obsessive" than it seems.
I think the "work email" he created was made so he could "go fishing" to see if she'd respond, thus his direct questions/comments to her. If she did respond, voila, he had an account already to go. It sounds like she wasn't interested and now that you caught him, he deleted the account since he has no need for it now.
Like everyone said, the deception isn't good, but not necessarily divorce-worthy. I would suggest counseling so he can figure out what's going on in his head and so you can have help dealing with all this. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I wouldn't call anything so one sided cheating or almost cheating. Given her tepid replies, given that he keeps searching her (ie. they aren't in real contact - he's just FB stalking), nothing here sounds mutual.
Is this a sign he's looking for the opportunity? Perhaps. Has he lied? Yes. But for me, the issue is about trust, honesty and his future intentions. Not this woman who couldn't care less.
I started off reading the OP and thinking "okay, fine, no big deal, FB stalking, I've FB stalked before...it's the point of FB"
So I was all "team overreaction" on your part, OP.
But then I read about the deleted email account and I was like "Hmmmmmmm...."
Had it been just the first thing, the FB stalking, dude, I wouldn't even bat an eye if my partner did that. I'd probably tease "Oh, whose Sally Smith? She must be real pretty! You got a crush." I really wouldn't care.
But the email thing - we'd need to have a heart to heart talk. Ask him "have you told me everything about you and Sally Smith? I honestly don't care if you looked at her on Facebook, but I wanted to have this final conversation to let you get everything out there - have you emailed her? Messaged her? called her? flirted with her? or even had some kind of emotional or sexual affair?" Then I would listen for his answers.
If he fesses up to the email, I'd let it go. If he doesn't, I'd straight up ask him "Did you make an email account and contact a bunch of ppl, her included, with the hopes of sparking a conversation with her?" I'd hear him out, then counseling.