Oh when DS was smaller I was a schedule FREAK. I would do anything to keep him on his schedule. He LOVED routine and knowing what was next and was so much happier when we worked around his eating and sleeping schedule.
Now I'm way more lax as his needs have changed, but a year ago it was absolutley my hill to die on.
I have exactly zero idea what I'm doing, so I try hard not to judge anything else as right or best.
Yep yep yep.
I can't tell if these are hills that people are dying on for their OWN kids or just things to generally judge. The OP says end a friendship over
I can't be friends with non-vaccers. It's a deal breaker for me. It's the one thing I'm not breezy about.
Re: car seats, I see something, I say something (very, very politely). With good friends I rinse and repeat, and when they continue to ignore me I always "help get the kids (correctly) into the car" for my own peace of mind when we're together. That's about as much as I can do. It's not a friendship ender for me, but I love their kids and I worry, so...
ETA: I'm not talking about the rear facing thing (I know I'm crazy about that, but only for my own kid), but more so friends who don't tighten buckles and put their kids in puffy jackets, then laugh about their kids being able to climb out of the seats (due to lack of buckle tightening) while driving. Ugh. I feel like throwing up now.
My hills are only for my own kid. I'm not ending friendships over (or even bringing up) screen time or juice.
Except for non-vaxxing. I draw the line there.
Yeah, I was also basing my thoughts on what are hills to die on for our family. And BTW, I have the same list as you. Although we've allowed small amounts of screen time in the last two months or so. It maybe amounts to 30 minutes a week at this point. E is obsessed with whales and turtles suddenly, so I'll put a couple minutes of a documentary on for him if he asks.
Food. I honestly don't see the need for puffs, goldfish, sugary "kids'" yogurts, grahams, etc. I know, I know; this is not a popular opinion. You asked!
you and my husband can sit on the "yogurt melts are the devil" couch together
Yeah, I totally thought 'hills to die on' were personal hills. Now, if we want to start a 'what do you judge other parents for?' thread, we can really have some fun around here!
Food. I honestly don't see the need for puffs, goldfish, sugary "kids'" yogurts, grahams, etc. I know, I know; this is not a popular opinion. You asked!
you and my husband can sit on the "yogurt melts are the devil" couch together
I hate yogurt melts!!! But only because they irreversibly stained two of my favorite onesies...ggrrrrrrrrr.....
Are their non-staining yogurt melts? Because the peach flavored ones are on my "devil food" list
you and my husband can sit on the "yogurt melts are the devil" couch together
But her name is SUGARbear! It just doesn't make sense
LOL. That stems from a smuggling incident in college that involved a handle of vodka and my friend's (empty) box of Sugar Snaps.
For the record, I love sugar in most forms, but I want my kids to make conscious choices about consumption. Like, hey, let's have a treat-- some really good ice cream or whatever-- and enjoy it. Rather than feeding them empty calories in puffs or goldfish.
ETA: I do consider this my "hill." I don't see the need for those foods in our family. And if a family member was babysitting, say, and fed those foods to my kid, I'd be pissed (because our family knows).
I do not care if that was how you were raised and you turned out fine, you do not lay a hand on my child.
I expressed this firmly to my ILs. I don't swat you when you misbehave so extend that courtesy to my son. No I didn't say this exactly but I believe the meaning may have snuck through.
I just read through this thread completely. I thought we were answering the question of what we hold such strong convictions about we would end friendships over if people disagreed. Apparently I was wrong because I cannot imagine people would end a friendship or sever a familial relationship because a one year old still used a bottle, a parent slipped their kid a puff, or an episode of Mickey Mouse Club House was shown to a toddler...
Or do some of you consider these large enough "sins" to end a friendship?
I just read through this thread completely. I thought we were answering the question of what we hold such strong convictions about we would end friendships over if people disagreed. Apparently I was wrong because I cannot imagine people would end a friendship or sever a familial relationship because a one year old still used a bottle, a parent slipped their kid a puff, or an episode of Mickey Mouse Club House was shown to a toddler...
Or do some of you consider these large enough "sins" to end a friendship?
I think there are plenty on this board who would judge their friends for these behaviors. The way I see it as soon as you bust out judgement you have ended the friendship.
One thing I feel strongly about(and need to talk to MH about) is other people disciplining my child(ren). H's half sister was visiting from Texas and we were out to dinner with her, her kids and FIL. Her 2yo was acting up and FIL(who had only met the kiddo once before) thought it was his place to tell him to calm down or blah blah blah and you need to do this or else(I wasn't really paying attention, I just rolled my eyes and ate my food). No, I'm sorry but this is my kid and I will be the one to tend to him if he is acting up and needs some redirection. You will not be disciplining my son, especially if I am around. Also, if FIL lays a single finger on him in anger, I will have J out of there so fast they won't even know what happened. This also applies to my parents, although we were never spanked as children so I couldn't imagine they would want to spank mine.
Edit: to piggyback off this, I kind of don't want FIL left alone with my children ever. Thankfully we don't live close by so he can't really offer to babysit.
Food. I honestly don't see the need for puffs, goldfish, sugary "kids'" yogurts, grahams, etc. I know, I know; this is not a popular opinion. You asked!
But fresh fruit and veggies are hard to transport and keep Nice. And also go bad so fast. By Thursday, I have to resort to raisins. All my grapes are done by then.
?? Grapes are a real food. Ergo, raisins are a real food.
The way I see it as soon as you bust out judgement you have ended the friendship.
I certainly hope not. I judge the bejeeesus out of my friends, but only to DH in the privacy of our own home. I certainly don't 100% agree with my friend's parenting choices, and I'm sure they don't agree with mine. But we have enough in common to be friends.
The way I see it as soon as you bust out judgement you have ended the friendship.
I certainly hope not. I judge the bejeeesus out of my friends, but only to DH in the privacy of our own home. I certainly don't 100% agree with my friend's parenting choices, and I'm sure they don't agree with mine. But we have enough in common to be friends.
Since I listed my hill to die on as judging other's parenting choices then I think you know where I stand on this
?? Grapes are a real food. Ergo, raisins are a real food.
Raisins aren't great for you. There is more sugar in raisins than grapes. So are Cheerios okay? just kid created snacks are bad?
Sorry I wasn't clear. We limit processed foods and most grains. It's not necessarily a sugar thing, so much as a, "I can't pronounce those ingredients / we don't eat soy / we limit wheat" thing.
(Although, for the reason you stated, we don't actually eat a lot of raisins.)
I take the whole hill to die on thing as meaning here's a list of the things I feel absolutely most strongly about and if you feel the total opposite and at the same degree, we're probably not going to get along.
My biggest one is vaccines. Just today, a Facebook friend posted that her child had an allergic reaction to the TDAP vaccine. Someone responded, "This is why so many parents are opting out of vaccines. Kids today get SO many more vaccines than my kids did when they were little!" It took all of the self-control I could muster up to keep from responding with, "They get more vaccines these days because science has figured out how to PREVENT MORE DISEASES." I think non-vaxxers (those without a legitimate reason not to vaccinate) are the dumbest of the dumb.
My other one is sugary beverages. There is no reason whatsoever that children should be drinking soda and other sugary drinks. That's not to say that my child never has sugar -- but she's certainly not carrying around a cup of sweet tea all day. My two nephews ONLY drink Dr Pepper and sweet tea and it makes me NUTS. When a three year old can order a sweet tea at a restaurant, it's just too much. They don't know what to do when they come over to my house and their only beverage choices are water and milk.
Oh, wait -- I thought of another one. I do NOT want my child eating and drinking after other people or kissing them on the mouth. Period. She does not eat and drink after my husband and I, we don't kiss her on the mouth, and everyone else has explicit instructions to follow those rules. Our family is sick a lot less than others we know because we follow that rule. (And yes, I'm a germophobe -- but I do think this is just common sense to keep from sharing germs.)
I view a "hill to die on" as something that I would stand up for until the bitter end. And not necessarily because it was challenged, but just because I feel the need to defend my own choices.
My big thing probably right now is support the choice to work as a mother. I'm saying the CHOICE. Like the one I made...when financially I could stay home but decided to take a job. That job is part-time and a great schedule, but they just verbally offered me a full-time management position. I feel like I am going to have to justify this till the ends of the earth to everyone who will silently judge me for not only giving up my awesome schedule, but also deciding that working five days a week is a better decision than spending two days at home with DD. I already caught myself rationalizing the decision in two separate conversations, and the rationalization wasn't prompted either time. Of my circle, I'm the only working mom by choice - a few friends are SAHMs (by choice and by finances) and a working mom who would love to SAHM but can't afford to...so I kind of feel like I need to justify my decision since none of them can relate. And I assume I'm being judged, even though I probably am not by most of them. Like @starry, I just want working moms to know that they aren't any less of a parent because they only see their kids for ~2 hours each day. I have to remind myself of that constantly. And I also have to remind myself of what littlespitfire said - nobody ever asks men their plans for work after a baby is born!
All of this. I've been able to make BF work but I was a FF baby myself.
I 100% feel you on the religion stuff. I keep it a little quieter on the boards than I do in real life, but it grates on my nerves. Somewhat connected, I will not let anyone ever try and make my children feel like they are in any way other than a blessing and joy. My hands are full but my children are not a burden.
I get a bit testy when there's any sort of assumption that SAH is always the path of least resistance and/or my career wasn't important enough/didn't make enough money to continue to do while having small kids. Choice, this is my choice and it works for my family for a host of reasons. I made more than my DH when we made this decision.
C-sections. Definitely my biggest hill. Trusting your doctor is not a horrible decision and I hate the implication that if you end up with a c-section, you somehow failed to advocate well enough for yourself. No, sometimes a c-section is the difference between and healthy mom and baby and the alternative. The "be your own decision maker" pendulum has swung too far, it's the same ballpark as people doing "research" about vaccines to me.
YES. I trust my doctor. I don't doubt for a minute that I needed a csection. Nor do I doubt the necessity for anyone I know.
So on board. Some people I know immediately presume that I ended up with a c-section because I did not take a Bradley class/use a midwife/homebirth/whatever. And I feel like I need to explain my kids heart rate deceleration and my inability to dilate past 3 cm in 30 hours. It's annoying.
If the standard is stuff you would end a friendship over, I am not sure I have a hill to die on. I, mean, I would cut someone out of my life if they were abusive, violent, cruel, highly unethical, or a number of other things of that nature, but I can't imagine why I would be friends with someone fitting that criteria in the first place. As far as parenting choices (short of abuse and neglect) or political beliefs (short of being a white supremacist or something terribly appalling like that), I can't think of any one issue that would cause me to end a valued and otherwise good friendship.
Most of my closest girlfriends were my friends before any of us were mothers. Some of them have turned out to parent much like me. Others, not so much. But our friendship is separate from our role as parents. Whether my girlfriends' kids rear face until 2 does not impact my ability to have fun going out for sushi with them. One of me best friends from college spanks her kids, keeps a gun under her bed (in a biometric safe), and has worked on political campaigns for candidates I hate. While I would not appoint her my kids' guardian, I still have a blast with her and love her.