Top Ten Complaints From Unhappy Husbands

[summer]

shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/top-10-complaints-unhappy-husbands-131400078.html


1. "I wish she'd appreciate me a little more, like by being affectionate when I come home instead of greeting me with the list of stuff I didn't take care of and the things I didn't do right. I know it's tough for her dealing with the house and kids, but there's never an acknowledgement that I just spent all day working and took a crowded train home." - Jim Jim B., 46, married 21 years


The expert says: Whether you work in an office, run a household, or some combination of the two, you're both likely frustrated with your heaping plates of responsibility. And although it's a natural reaction, piling on more the second your partner steps through the door is not the best way to get him to hear or help you. "Instead of leading with a list, understand that he may need a few minutes to unwind," says Kara Thompson, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Lenexa, KS. You'll both listen better when you've decompressed and can actually focus on the issues at hand.



2. "When you're dating, it's all about having fun together. But so much of that goes away once you're married. It would be nice if we could collaborate to have some fun together. I guess the problem is that we're both beaten down by responsibility, and she thinks I should make the plans. Yes, it would be more romantic for her if I planned something, but the feeling goes both ways." -Christian H., 39, married six years


The expert says: Good news: If you both feel like you need more one-on-one time, you're already on the same page, which means you're well on your way. The next step is to stop keeping a mental score sheet of who made plans the last time and put it on both of you to jump at the opportunity to, say, see a band you like when they perform nearby or try a new restaurant with an innovative menu. In the end, it matters way less who dealt with the logistics than the fact that you bonded and enjoyed your time together.


3. "I know I'm at fault too, and that I sometimes take her for granted, but I resent my wife for always being the responsible one. She's just trying to be good mom, but it would be nice to have a normal conversation about life, and not just about the drama surrounding my daughter's audition for the school play, for instance." - Daniel O., 42, married 14 years


The expert says: There's no question that having an open dialogue about your children is important, but we understand that it can get tedious after a while. Once the kids go to bed or while they're out at weekend activities, make an effort to chat about lighthearted topics, like the results of a Buzzfeed quiz you both took, as well as more serious news or political issues to keep you connected and stimulated as a couple.


4. "I've been referred to by more than one woman as an incurable romantic. I once kidnapped the woman I was dating and told her that the next week would be spent in Jamaica. I enjoy sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace watching romantic old movies. The night doesn't have to end in bed for me to be happy. Unfortunately, my wife is no longer romantic, and I feel like my best quality is unappreciated." - Mark H., 49, married 26 years


The expert says: Relationships change and evolve, and sometimes the very qualities that attracted you to your husband are the ones that wind up making you nuts. It could be that you're simply too stressed with the day-to-day to experience romance the same way--and that's okay. The key is to come to a collective understanding of what sweet gestures now do it for you. A change of environment may do it--consider taking a break from the grind and going away for a long weekend.


5. "My wife was more voracious and sexually experienced than me when we first met, but once we moved in together, it's like she flipped the switch to off. After seeing a therapist, she finally acknowledged that she wanted me to think she was a vixen so I'd fall in love with her. But then I asked her, 'Did you ever think about what you might do if it worked?' If you make--and accept--a vow of sexual fidelity, then cut off the sex once the deal's done, is it realistic to expect your partner to be okay with that?" - David K., 33, married four years


The expert says: "Switches don't just get turned off," says Thompson. "There is usually something more going on in situations like this." If you felt like you had to put on a mask to get your husband to marry you, you may want to examine what's beneath the surface that made you feel that way. "When individual issues come up in therapy, I think it's important for both partners to look at them together."


6. "I thought I was being the good guy by letting her make all the decisions at home about what we eat, how we decorate the house, and when we started our family, but I've since realized that it's one of the reasons why she's fed up with me." - Evan K., 31, married four years



The expert says: If you're unhappy about how much your husband helps out around the house, make sure you understand where he's coming from. What you see as slacking may be his thinking a hands-off approach is a sign of respect and trust. "Speak up and let him know when his help would be appreciated," says Thompson. And on the flip side, if you have trouble letting go of doing every single thing, ask yourself what it would look like if you started to delegate. Would it really be so bad if the dishwasher was loaded differently, or would you end up with clean plates anyway?


7. "My wife became increasingly religious after we got married, and she now has a very high standard of what being a "good enough" Christian is. I try to do all of those things for her, but it's never enough. I feel cut off emotionally and turned off sexually because I don't think I can ever live up to her expectations. How can you act like you love someone when they don't hold you in enough respect to consider you an equal?" - Ken W., 49, married 12 years


The expert says: If one person's faith is diverging from the other's beliefs, make a joint effort to stay on the same page--or at least close chapters--as much as possible. "If you feel like his spiritual efforts aren't good enough, you need to be honest with yourself and your husband," says Thompson. Figure out what he can do to connect with you spiritually and otherwise, and consider enlisting the help of your religious leader, who's likely dealt with issues like this before.



8. "I care for my wife, but there is absolutely no intimacy in my marriage, and there hasn't been for five years. It's become a platonic arrangement, which she doesn't seem to feel is a problem. We've discussed it many times, and in her mind, there's nothing wrong with a nonsexual relationship. So she's not interested, and I'm certainly not going to force myself on her. There's no turn-on for me if both people aren't into it, but I wish she'd be open to the possibility again." - Mike S., 44, married 18 years



The expert says: Both you and your husband deserve equal say in your marriage, so it shouldn't be up to one person to determine your sexual state as a couple. That's partially because far more often than not, lack of sex is the symptom--not the problem. "When you get into a pattern for a really long time, it can be painful and difficult to change those habits," says Thompson. If you're dealing with a chasm this wide, it's worth considering couples counseling.


9. "Men today are expected to be in tune with their wives emotionally, and to express their own emotions better. But when the stressors of a marriage hit, my wife has a tendency to turn inward and expect me to take care of her. I wish that she acknowledged that I, too, am stressed, grieving, or scared. It's taxing to be the primary supporter, and sad to me when I have to turn to friends or family for empathy I should be able to get at home." - Joseph K., 43, married five years


The expert says: It's human nature to occasionally get so wrapped up in your own issues that it's difficult to see someone else's perspective. "When we protect ourselves, we feel like we are the only one who feel a certain way," says Thompson. "But once you sit down together and start looking at yourselves and how you've been impacted, most partners realize they feel the exact same way." Voice your feelings of isolation before the next crisis comes up so you have a plan in place for when things get tough, like agreeing to take a few hours for yourself, then sitting down for a cup of coffee and a heart-to-heart.


10. "My wife is a teacher and brings a lot of work home with her--planning lessons and thinking of ways to help her students--but she neglects things that are happening in her own home. It makes our marriage feel one-sided. I've even helped her grade papers and create projects and presentations in an effort to be together. I understand that a demanding job requires more than 40 hours per week. But the project will end, the students will graduate, the client will outgrow your services. Your marriage is until death do you part." - Matt F., 26, married eight months


The expert says: Being passionate about and invested in your career is a good thing, but like much else, it's a question of balance. You may not suddenly be able to give up working from home or checking in with your boss via email, but you can set some basic guidelines that distinguish between personal and professional time. That might mean agreeing to after-hours tasks only every other day, or turning off your email alerts after 9 p.m. so you and your husband can give each other your undivided attention.

[IIOY]

Reading this was exhausting. So many emotions! Lots of words with feelz!

::shudders::

[cookiemdough]

Omg she isn't greeting me at the door with a drink and a kiss all the while wearing an apron and high heels with promises of more to come tonight. What is wrong with her?

Answer: women that can't do it all with a smile plastered on their face are obviously inferior. Give her a copy of "the proper care and feeding of the husband" along with "lean in" and see if things improve.

[summer]

Mar 28, 2014 5:28:57 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Omg she isn't greeting me at the door with a drink and a kiss all the while wearing an apron and high heels with promises of more to come tonight. What is wrong with her?

Answer: women that can't do it all with a smile plastered on their face are obviously inferior. Give her a copy of "the proper care and feeding of the husband" along with "lean in" and see if things improve.

H used to say stuff like this years ago. Um, dude, you get home at 10/11:00 at night- you must be hitting the pipe to think I'll be waiting at the door.

[ringstrue]

Huh I didn't get that from the first one at all. I've seen some shitty people do some horribly bitchy things to their spouses- both men and women.

[elleblue]

Mar 28, 2014 7:05:37 GMT -5 @bunnybean said:

Mar 28, 2014 6:45:14 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Maybe it's because I'm not having any right now and would like to be, but I cannot understand being married and not wanting to get it on with my partner for FIVE YEARS or more. I can get a roommate any old time, I want a mate for the things that are above and beyond what I can get from just hanging out with someone who also pays bills in my house.

No, for real. If you cannot bring yourself to have sex with this person for that amount of time, it's time to do something, whether that's counseling, divorce, whatever. 

I agree, with the caveat that at least one of the pair is unhappy with the situation. I would not be okay with a marriage that turned into roommates but I'm sure there are people out there who would be okay with it. Again though, both would need to be on the same page in that regard. 

[eastonb]

that last one on the list has only been married for a few months

[IIOY]

Mar 28, 2014 7:45:16 GMT -5 eastonb said:

that last one on the list has only been married for a few months

That might be among the easiest one to solve, though, because the marriage is new.  

When we first married, I really struggled to adjust to having someone in my house when I'd come home at night.  I was used to coming home to peace and quiet and eating dinner on the sofa and controlling the remote and just having MY space.  One day, months after we were married, my husband finally said something to me about coming home grumpy every night.  I explained that I needed decompression time.  After that, H was better about giving me space when I first got home, and I was better about not being grumpy cat.  ETA: in other words, the key was communication because we both had expectations that we hadn't expressed.  A lot of the first few years of marriage is simply learning to communicate.  H and I are still working on this, frankly.

[eclaires]

Outside of the sex complaint this list gave me the LOLs. I think some of the complaints have validity but the way they were worded made me want to give the guys Tylenol for their manpain.

[taratru]

That last one made me laugh out loud. No shit, bro. Teachers work their asses off, especially the first five years or so. Get over your bad self and realize if she doesn't do that, she won't have a job for long.

Tangential thought: remember Freedom Writers? That teacher was amazing and all, but ended up divorced.

As to the rest...meh. All of the answer sections read very patriarchal to me, so I admittedly skimmed.

[jlt19]

I understand the first one in a way. DH hasn't been working lately (through no fault of his own) so I leave him a list of things to do. I get pissy when I walk in the door and the list isn't done. I get a bit resentful that I've spent the day at work (which is honestly pretty easy) and he got to sit on the couch all day and didn't even bother to finish the laundry. Thing is, maybe the day before he cleaned the house from top to bottom and worked on a project for the kids and wanted a day to relax. He does deserve that. Or at least not to be yelled at the second I walk in the door and therefore ruin the rest of the night. Ugh, I'm a bitch.

[summer]

My H and I are working on #2: doing more fun stuff together. We do most of the fun stuff (concerts, etc) with friends, not each other.

[eclaires]

Mar 28, 2014 8:17:21 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

i am wondering why the hell this is being met with ridicule. there are a far share of us on here that have had some bumps in our marriages. should we have dismissed any complaint from a man about the situation?

i dont see any reason why these complaints couldnt have easily been said by wives. then we would all collectively share our experiences, laugh about it and support one another.

right now its coming off as a little shrewish

I jokingly read the last one to my husband because he works when he gets home/after the kids go to bed ALL THE TIME.

So I definitely think there is a universal nature to the complaints, but generally I find lists like this mockworthy and I felt like a lot of the complaints were worded in a way that made me roll my eyes, even if they were rooted in validity.

But I only have feels for the Walking Dead right now; it's taking up the limited capacity I have for feels in my cold heart.

[eclaires]

Mar 28, 2014 8:47:15 GMT -5 @bunnybean said:

Mar 28, 2014 8:17:21 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

i am wondering why the hell this is being met with ridicule. there are a far share of us on here that have had some bumps in our marriages. should we have dismissed any complaint from a man about the situation?

i dont see any reason why these complaints couldnt have easily been said by wives. then we would all collectively share our experiences, laugh about it and support one another.

right now its coming off as a little shrewish

You're making a good point here. I just hate reading things like this when neither party can just say what they need and want. 

But you're right, we're always so pro-woman and kind of anti-man on these things. If women had these complaints, we'd treat them as sacrosanct. 

I would not... because in general, I hate shit like this whether it comes from a man or woman.

Also, #4 is hysterical.  It just is.

[cookiemdough]

Mar 28, 2014 8:17:21 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

i am wondering why the hell this is being met with ridicule. there are a far share of us on here that have had some bumps in our marriages. should we have dismissed any complaint from a man about the situation?

i dont see any reason why these complaints couldnt have easily been said by wives. then we would all collectively share our experiences, laugh about it and support one another.

right now its coming off as a little shrewish

But that to me is kind of what I find annoying. I guess the first example kind of rubbed me the wrong way. You are right that Women definitely would have the same complaints. But the reality, especially in a household where both parents are working, is that the division of household and childcare responsibilities doesn't lend itself to women getting to indulge in the "woe-is-me" I didn't get fifteen minutes of downtime when I walked in the door. My kids don't give a shit about my need for some peace when I walk in the door. So you know what, I get my 15 minutes between putting down the baby and doing homework with my son. It sounded whiny to me because once kids are involved adjustments need to be made. And people can focus on the ideal of I need 15 minutes "the moment I walk in the door" or they can recognize that for a short time in life with small kids you still get your 15 minutes but it may be at a time later than your ideal.

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2014 6:45:14 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Maybe it's because I'm not having any right now and would like to be, but I cannot understand being married and not wanting to get it on with my partner for FIVE YEARS or more. I can get a roommate any old time, I want a mate for the things that are above and beyond what I can get from just hanging out with someone who also pays bills in my house.

I know for me, how attracted I am to my husband, how much I want to bang him goes pretty much hand in hand with his level of involvement in the household. When I feel close to him, feel like I'm getting support from him, when he's not making my life harder than it has to be by being the third child in my house, I get all kinds of giddy feelings for him. When I feel like I'm the only one responsible for everything, the nether regions are like the damned Sahara.

That being said, I think in many households it could be debated that some women handle their families in such a way that there is no room for their husband to pitch in or the nitpick over how it's done and dude says no. Meanwhile, he still wants to do her and she's like fuck you, asshole, I have the dishes to do, errands to run, and your kid is on my last damned nerves.

[pixy0stix]

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

[lasagnasshole]

I SO relate to number 2. I like DC better than he does, and I know more people than he does. So with the exception of the occasional concert he expresses interest in, we don't do anything if I don't plan it. And then if he doesn't have a ton of fun, I feel guilty. The most he ever does is suggest we see a movie, but half the time it's stuff he knows I won't like or it's a very generic suggestion, not a "Let's see X movie at Y time on Saturday."

I like planning social things, but it's also a lot of pressure. I would like him to plan something from time to time!

[cookiemdough]

Mar 28, 2014 9:09:45 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Back to the secks. If you had a healthy sex life before you got married and for a few years after you get married and now you're over it...do you REALLY expect your partner to just be over it, too? Like you don't want to do it so they shouldn't want to either? And do you expect your spouse to remain faithful under those conditions?

I find it hard to believe that the wife is really okay with no intimacy.

[lasagnasshole]

Mar 28, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

This drives me nuts. I realize he doesn't get to leave his job at the office and has to do work in the evenings. But if we're having a conversation and he gets a text message from a coworker, he either checks it immediately and hears nothing I say or is sitting there basically biding his time until he can check it, still hearing nothing I say.

THE WORLD WILL NOT END IF YOU WAIT FIVE MINUTES TO CHECK YOUR TEXTS!

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

I think #1 plays into this too. I think everyone wants to feel like their SO misses them when they aren't there and values them. I don't think it's some Don Draper antiquated shit to expect to get your SO's undivided attention for ten to twenty minutes after you/they get home from work. I try very hard not to inundate my husband with all of the household ills when he first walks in the door and I don't expect him to drop off how hard his life was the minute he steps over the threshold. But I don't do it to the kids either. When they come in the door, we spend a few minutes of time together, then later, we launch into the other stuff.

I really think that's incredibly important, feeling valued for yourself and not what you need to do, didn't do, or to unload on, kwim? Obviously, we're all in it for that other stuff too but I find I'm far more interested in dealing with real shit after we've taken a few minutes to refresh.

[pixy0stix]

Mar 28, 2014 9:17:17 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Mar 28, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

I think #1 plays into this too. I think everyone wants to feel like their SO misses them when they aren't there and values them. I don't think it's some Don Draper antiquated shit to expect to get your SO's undivided attention for ten to twenty minutes after you/they get home from work. I try very hard not to inundate my husband with all of the household ills when he first walks in the door and I don't expect him to drop off how hard his life was the minute he steps over the threshold. But I don't do it to the kids either. When they come in the door, we spend a few minutes of time together, then later, we launch into the other stuff.

I really think that's incredibly important, feeling valued for yourself and not what you need to do, didn't do, or to unload on, kwim? Obviously, we're all in it for that other stuff too but I find I'm far more interested in dealing with real shit after we've taken a few minutes to refresh.

EXACTLY! Will you marry me?

[thejackpot]

Mar 28, 2014 8:37:55 GMT -5 Kore said:

I can't be receptive to any article offering suggestions to be a better wife at the moment. But that's because my own marriage has been insanely unbalanced, with me doing everything.

I feel so jaded now.

Sorry that you are in a rough patch. (((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2014 9:21:58 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

EXACTLY! Will you marry me?

You know, I'm sympathetic to the idea that men need to just say they are feeling that way. But honestly, I kind of think some women make it difficult for their SOs to say these things. The idea being that if you want some time with your wife, a few minutes each day, you're an asshole who doesn't understand the needs of your wife and children. But at the same time, I think that's in response to trying to tell a husband in particular what a pain in the ass their kids have been all day while they stare at their phone doing work.

[thejackpot]

Since having baby #2 I am much more of the second dh gets home I am all in his face with life stuff. I am really trying to work on that though.

I don't think it is anything wrong with these husbands complaining; heck if someone asked me ways that my marriage needs improvement I could easily unload too. I think the problem is that we don't communicate our needs enough really.

[laurenpetro]

Mar 28, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

are we sister wives?  i'm seriously on my last nerve with him with this.  H works every day.  no exceptions.  and when i dare suggest he do otherwise i get the "are you a fucking idiot?" look. i feel like i'm losing it.

we got in a fight this morning because last night at dinner (out) i said i didn't feel well.  i ran home, did my deed on the potty and felt better.  then i delivered cookies and was hanging out at my friend's house (the customer).  i left and he called because B was sick.  this morning he tells me he's "still pissed" (after never having mentioned anything in the first place) because i said i was sick and then stayed out.  fuck you.  i'm allowed to feel better after feeling sick.  it happens. 

i know he's stressed from work.  but he's also not doing anything to make his situation better.  i can't make everything better for him so until he feels like putting some effort in, he's going to be miserable.  and i don't know what to do about it.

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2014 9:30:49 GMT -5 thejackpot said:

I don't think it is anything wrong with these husbands complaining; heck if someone asked me ways that my marriage needs improvement I could easily unload too. I think the problem is that we don't communicate our needs enough really.

IDK about that though. I think sometimes the other person isn't receptive to the way in which we communicate. In some cases, that shit should be obvious. If you walk in the door every day and the kids are going effin nuts and I'm tired as hell, do I really have to say that the kids are driving me crazy? And I think many women resent having to spell out in detail what could be see quite easily if you were paying attention.

I also know that my husband tells me I need to tell him things. Well, you know what? I do. I tell him shit all of the time but because I didn't bring it to him in a manner that he things conveys my seriousness, he blows me off. He's gotten much better at this but I really don't feel like I should have to put up a neon sign and use an air horn to get him to see that I'm serious. 

Sometimes I think the problem isn't that spouses have trouble saying what they want. It's that spouses have trouble hearing outside of their own perceptions, perceptions that are often skewed because they aren't in tune with their SO's feelings.

[obladi]

Mar 28, 2014 9:15:25 GMT -5 lasagnasshole said:

Mar 28, 2014 9:11:59 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

10 is what is frustrating me right now. I come home and he's busy working away. It's the nature of his job. But fuck, dude, can I come in and have a short convo with you about our days without you picking up the phone because someone is calling?

This drives me nuts. I realize he doesn't get to leave his job at the office and has to do work in the evenings. But if we're having a conversation and he gets a text message from a coworker, he either checks it immediately and hears nothing I say or is sitting there basically biding his time until he can check it, still hearing nothing I say.

THE WORLD WILL NOT END IF YOU WAIT FIVE MINUTES TO CHECK YOUR TEXTS!

YES OMG. His phone is glued to his hand. He is in the beer business I think you can wait 5 minutes to respond.

[downtoearth]

Mar 28, 2014 8:02:19 GMT -5 eclaires said:

Outside of the sex complaint this list gave me the LOLs. I think some of the complaints have validity but the way they were worded made me want to give the guys Tylenol for their manpain.

Amen.  Plus, most could be turned the other way and weren't gender specific.  Any relationship could experience any of these. 

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2014 9:32:19 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

i mean does anyone ever really want to hear they have grown too fat for their partner to have sex with them?

Do you really think he feels that way (and if he does, I will stab him for you because I'm pretty sure he's no Ryan Gosling) or are you scared he feels that way?

But you don't have to answer me or anything. I realize this isn't an invitation for advice. Can I hug you though because gah, that would make me hateful.