Back to the secks. If you had a healthy sex life before you got married and for a few years after you get married and now you're over it...do you REALLY expect your partner to just be over it, too? Like you don't want to do it so they shouldn't want to either? And do you expect your spouse to remain faithful under those conditions?
im the one working with a disinterested partner and it blows. and there are many times i think that it would be justified if i had an affair. i don't b/c im not quite to that point yet. but i could be there in another few years. and we havent touched it in therapy yet b/c either it will break the marriage or it will bring up shit we just dont want to deal with anymore. i mean does anyone ever really want to hear they have grown too fat for their partner to have sex with them?
Hugs. That makes more sense than how I took it in the article (again, the article as a whole skewed my view), but hugs.
6. "I thought I was being the good guy by letting her make all the decisions at home about what we eat, how we decorate the house, and when we started our family, but I've since realized that it's one of the reasons why she's fed up with me." - Evan K., 31, married four years
The response is crap because it doesn't address the issue at all. It has nothing at all to do with micromanaging or letting him do the laundry his way.
This annoys me SO MUCH. He makes it sound like "I'm letting you make all the decisions!" when in reality it's "I'm MAKING you make all the decisions." I do not want to be responsible for every single decision that has to be made. I don't want to be the one to choose every single time we go out to dinner, including both my birthday ("it's your birthday! You get to choose the place! And just go ahead and make us a reservation") and his birthday ("It's my birthday! I want you to choose and make the arrangements!"). I don't want to be the one solely in charge of choosing which school the kids go to, and then you complain about how far away it is. It's not being the good guy, it's being lazy and avoiding responsibility.
it's like you're a fly on the wall of my marriage...
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
Ugh. I am guilty of the first one. This is a good reminder that I need to be less demanding the second he gets home. The problem is, he usually gets home sometime between 6-6:30 which is when the kids are bouncing off the walls driving me nuts. But it's not fair to shove that on him and then go hide for thirty minutes. I suppose I should let him unwind fir twenty minutes and then go hide for a little while, lol. So this is a timely reminder for me.
Post by irishbride2 on Mar 29, 2014 9:03:18 GMT -5
In terms of #6, it totally depends on the persons personality. H LOVES to make all the decisions about all the little crap. I hate it. So me letting him do that is a good thing. He loves to pick every restaurant and such and I couldn't care less. It works for us.
A few weeks ago I was like half dead with a migraine. I had spent the first half of the day at work, meeting an electrician (I'm a real estate agent) and puking in the toilet every 30 min or so. Then picked up my toddlers at preschool. Thank all that is holy that my mom was going to leave work early to help me, but she had to leave right when my h was to get home. So I put on frozen (lol?) and had my 15 year old sit with my toddlers for the 25 min between me going in my bed and the time my mom would arrive. Dh (he knew the sitch) gets home and calls me asking f he has "five minutes" to email his boss before coming up stairs. Sure no prob, don't forget my mom has to go ASAP. I fade into the blackness.....AN HOUR LATER I hear my moms voice and I'm all wtf? I call dh who is still in the car and I'm all wtf dude Oh sorry I'm on my way up So I get it guys. Nothing more frustrating than this shit.
Post by cinnamoncox on Mar 29, 2014 11:55:00 GMT -5
And I'm sorry, but I can't roll my eyes hard enough at number four. I kidnapped a woman and told her she was spending the next week on vacation?! That's romance? I thought it was a federal crime. I'm definitely doing the whole romance thing wrong.
Ugh. I am guilty of the first one. This is a good reminder that I need to be less demanding the second he gets home. The problem is, he usually gets home sometime between 6-6:30 which is when the kids are bouncing off the walls driving me nuts. But it's not fair to shove that on him and then go hide for thirty minutes. I suppose I should let him unwind fir twenty minutes and then go hide for a little while, lol. So this is a timely reminder for me.
Do you get to unwind when they get home? I am sure you are right but I am still struggling with this one as you can see lololol
Ugh. I am guilty of the first one. This is a good reminder that I need to be less demanding the second he gets home. The problem is, he usually gets home sometime between 6-6:30 which is when the kids are bouncing off the walls driving me nuts. But it's not fair to shove that on him and then go hide for thirty minutes. I suppose I should let him unwind fir twenty minutes and then go hide for a little while, lol. So this is a timely reminder for me.
Do you get to unwind when they get home? I am sure you are right but I am still struggling with this one as you can see lololol
My view is the parent who is at home gets the immediate break. The person who drove/commuted home got to unwind on the way home.
This is how it works in our marriage, no matter who is home first (our schedules switch at times)
Back to the secks. If you had a healthy sex life before you got married and for a few years after you get married and now you're over it...do you REALLY expect your partner to just be over it, too? Like you don't want to do it so they shouldn't want to either? And do you expect your spouse to remain faithful under those conditions?
im the one working with a disinterested partner and it blows. and there are many times i think that it would be justified if i had an affair. i don't b/c im not quite to that point yet. but i could be there in another few years. and we havent touched it in therapy yet b/c either it will break the marriage or it will bring up shit we just dont want to deal with anymore. i mean does anyone ever really want to hear they have grown too fat for their partner to have sex with them?
Yep, we do have the same shitty marriages. But yours I think is better.
I don't find commuting relaxing. I don't let go until I'm home.
Oh I know this doesn't work for everyone. Its just what works for us. Both of us are able to to decompress for those few minutes, at least more so than the other one. But everyone is different.
And I'm sorry, but I can't roll my eyes hard enough at number four. I kidnapped a woman and told her she was spending the next week on vacation?! That's romance? I thought it was a federal crime. I'm definitely doing the whole romance thing wrong.
That one had me chuckle bc I'm sure her boss LOVED getting that call - yeah I'm being taken to Jamaica, for a week, starting tonight ... Guys don't get the concept of planning ahead, we can't drop EVERYTHING for them on a moments notice.
It is my experience that even explaining the problem clearly and as an adult should doesn't always fix things. Its the myth of the modern world - the "if you communicate it will get better". Well, yeah, sometimes. Other times the act of explaining the issue makes the issue worse. Or you find out that the problem can't be fixed because even though you both understand it, you don't agree about the importance of the issue or what should be done. And sometimes one persons problem is another persons totally irrelevant. Take the sex issue in this list. The problem isn't that the man cant ask for more sex - he could. Maybe he should. But what if the thing he wants is for the wife to WANT to have more sex. In asking for it, he is changing the dynamic. Now, if they do it more often, is it because he said something? Is she just doing it because she feels she has to? Like a favour? A pity fuck? No one wants that. But if he doesn't say anything, then what? Just put up with it? Divorce? Of course its possible she has her own reason for not wanting to do it - and it might be nothing to do with the man. But again, talking about it might not fix it and might make things worse. The very act of communicating an issue can sometimes make the issue worse. Or it can fix it. But it certainly isn't the panacea for every problem and can be a risk in itself.
It is my experience that even explaining the problem clearly and as an adult should doesn't always fix things. Its the myth of the modern world - the "if you communicate it will get better". Well, yeah, sometimes. Other times the act of explaining the issue makes the issue worse. Or you find out that the problem can't be fixed because even though you both understand it, you don't agree about the importance of the issue or what should be done. And sometimes one persons problem is another persons totally irrelevant. Take the sex issue in this list. The problem isn't that the man cant ask for more sex - he could. Maybe he should. But what if the thing he wants is for the wife to WANT to have more sex. In asking for it, he is changing the dynamic. Now, if they do it more often, is it because he said something? Is she just doing it because she feels she has to? Like a favour? A pity fuck? No one wants that. But if he doesn't say anything, then what? Just put up with it? Divorce? Of course its possible she has her own reason for not wanting to do it - and it might be nothing to do with the man. But again, talking about it might not fix it and might make things worse. The very act of communicating an issue can sometimes make the issue worse. Or it can fix it. But it certainly isn't the panacea for every problem and can be a risk in itself.
ALso, didnt read the entire thread lol.
I'm kinda here with the issues in my marriage, including but not including the sex. We are able to have adult conversations about these things...but they aren't leading to the longer-term behavior changes I'd like to see in him. On the bad days I blame it all on him, wonder if I made a huge mistake in my marrying choice. On my better days I realize that it's unfair to expect change from him when I should step up and make the changes myself. But when I am honest I don't want to/don't know how/find it really hard/not ready/too lazy to make the changes. On my best (and sadly, rare) days I make the effort. I do think DH and I are actually perfectly matched even down to our shared intimacy issues. But marriage is hard.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
I find the idea of an immediate break when comes home an odd one. Who can switch gears like that? For me, it works better if we jointly deal with the kids, settle them down, get everyone fed and all of that. Then, once the dusk is clear, go from there.