I'm sorry what a difficult situation. It is definitely a good thing this happened with somebody who lives far away, perhaps subconsciously he knew that if he started something with someone close by it would turn into more and he didn't really want that..
I think it is perfectly reasonable to say he must not talk to her again and I hope seeing a therapist helps you guys. It sounds he like has some bad depression issues so maybe he should see someone one on one and then do the family counseling separately.
Ugh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. ((Big big hugs)) It's good that he's being honest, and you both are ready to talk to someone and get help. He definitely needs to make his family priority. I ditto a couple other posters with the promise of zero contact or you are gone. Your relationship deserves to be respected and you need to be able to trust that this transgression is never going to threaten your relationship again. Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how much something like this can hurt a person deep in their hearts. I'm sorry, love.
Post by spaghetticat on Mar 30, 2014 13:14:42 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just my two cents...if you really will end things if he doesn't stop contact, I would tell him that. I wouldn't want to give him any leeway about it. The way the conversation sounded was more like giving him the choice and he doesn't really deserve that right now.
To be honest, I disagree with telling the husband. It is adding more drama to your life and that's the last thing you need right now. You and Max are #1 priority. Please take care of yourself.
Post by musiclover on Mar 30, 2014 13:18:40 GMT -5
So sorry to hear all of this. I am glad he was honest for once, this is a start. If he 100% wants to save your marriage and is willing to give up the other woman, then I think that only therapy and time will move things forward. You deserve a husband who is dedicated to you, and only you. I hope he realizes what he has done and takes ALL the steps needed to fix this. hugs.
Thanks guys. We went to breakfast and talked more. I basically give him that ultimatum and told him that I am reacting very rationally to all this and I feel that in order to move things forward he needs to show me that he is also ready by promising to be 100% honest from now on and cut her out and if he feels any issues between us he needs to talk to me and not bottle it up. He cried in the car and didn't want to get out to go to the breakfast place. He said he is willing to go to counseling but he's afraid we can't fix it and that he is afraid of failure, etc. He has always had issues w fear and it's part of the depression. I said I am certainly going to try my best to get past this and move on too. I really want to. It seems like our lack of sex life "drove him to this" in his mind and he said he knows it'll be a while and I need to take my time but we need to work on doing it more bc it makes him feel closer to me and he needs it more often (than once a week or so) in order to be happy. I get that... Although it feels crummy to hear it rt now. A lot of why we don't do it very often is my weight gain over the past 4 years or so makes me more self conscious and want it less, and nursing for so long felt like it really suppressed my sex drive. I think he resented those things, from what he has told me. Anyway I am hopeful that we can move on. I really feel like I am glad this person doesn't live here and I hope we can recover, and I also just hope him losing his job doesn't cause a snowball of deep depression for him but counseling should help w that. Phew... Thanks ladies. You are all so amazing.
Hugs!! This has to be so extremely hard to deal with. I hope by coming clean, he is serious about wanting to repair your relationship....assuming that you want to fix it. He needs to cut off all communication immediately with her. That would probably be the hardest part for me to trust....that he is truly done with her. You can vent and lean on us whenever you need to!!
Hugs again! You were very brave to confront him like that and I'm happy to see he's open to counseling. I'm going to email you a couple that are on sliding scale since dh's job situation. Let me know if there is anything you need we need to do a girls day again soon after my mom leaves.
Post by jamaga2583 on Mar 30, 2014 14:17:34 GMT -5
I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. Everyone has such good advice, so I'll just add the biggest of hugs. I hope you are able to get past this and move forward in the future.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I just needed to say that before anything else. You not having sex more than one a week is NOT the reason for this.
I'm so sorry you have this going on right now
He definitely needs individual counseling along with the joint and some for yourself to work on trust issues now.
I know you asked him to end all contact, but if it were me, I would make him skype her or facetime her and see it being said for yourself. And then I would pop my head into the screen and say, "Hi, I'm D. The person MARRIED to H. Please kindly fuck off." Then I would tell H that if he contacts her again for ANY reason, you will pack his bag for him and drop him off at the airport with a one way ticket to Iowhore.
I'm so sorry. This is not your fault at all and nothing you did, or didn't do, drove him to do this. Please don't put guilt on yourself for causing him to act this way.
So many hugs. I'm sorry I hope with it out in the open he is able to realize what he's risking and take big steps to fix things.
ETA I finished reading the thread. This is NOT your fault. His behaviour is not a justified reaction to lack of sex. Nor is now the time to tell you he needs it more often. I think counseling is the way to go.
Definitely not your fault. I don't understand where men get this "you drove me to do it" excuse from? The only thing that drove him to be dishonest and have an emotional affair is his own insecurity and a lack of respect for your relationship. Working on himself in therapy will help him understand that those are not acceptable excuses for putting your marriage and family life in jeopardy.
Post by imimahoney on Mar 30, 2014 14:52:57 GMT -5
OK, your Dh's reasoning is complete bs. This is not your fault. He needs to man up and own his own problems and not place blame on you. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty.
Post by unclejesse on Mar 30, 2014 14:57:51 GMT -5
I think it's safe to say a lot of us would be worried if not having sex with their H's once a week is a valid excuse for stepping out of their marriage. I think purple would be the only one not in this camp.
Post by LiveLoveLearn on Mar 30, 2014 15:17:40 GMT -5
I'm so sorry your going through all this. I hope through counseling and talking to each other you can move past this. I agree with everyone else, not your fault, nothing justifies his actions. Big hugs and take care of yourself.
Definitely not your fault. I don't understand where men get this "you drove me to do it" excuse from? The only thing that drove him to be dishonest and have an emotional affair is his own insecurity and a lack of respect for your relationship. Working on himself in therapy will help him understand that those are not acceptable excuses for putting your marriage and family life in jeopardy.
This is a terrific response. This isn't our fault in any way. There isn't an excuse to step outside of marital boundaries that can be blamed on the other person not giving them enough physical affection. He could have discussed this with you, recommended counseling, or, decided to leave. Starting an affair, emotional or physical, is only the fault of the person choosing it. Not suggesting you should end your marriage or that you can't work through it, but placing blame squarely in your shoulders for lack of sex is a classic manipulation tactic, sweetie. And to be honest, once a week isn't a lack for the average couple. He may very well be depressed, and for that he should be treated, but that also isn't a valid reason for an affair either. Please take care of yourself. You are beautiful, strong, talented, and kind. (Heart)
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially on top of your other stresses right now. Sending huge hugs and lots of hope for some healing for you and your marriage.
I am very sorry you are dealing with all of this. What a horrible thing to have to go through, I hope he is serious about counseling and trying to change, etc. It's not fair to you or Max. Hugs lady.
NOT your fault. Once a week sex is totally normal and frankly way more than most men with babies are probably getting. Fuck that noise. He does not sound remorseful and it is bullshit to put it back on you. I do think therapy is in order and I would try to fix it if I were you. But I also think he needs to get that this WAS his fault, was not acceptable at all, and that he needs to do everything in his power to make it up to you including ceasing communication immediately.