Post by playswithsquirrels on Mar 30, 2014 17:00:49 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. I agree 100% that this is in no way your fault. MH is lucky to get it once a week. I really hope that getting some counseling will help your relationship.
Post by spaghetticat on Mar 30, 2014 17:08:33 GMT -5
Ugh I really hate his response. Not having what he deems enough sex drives him to an emotional affair? I am glad you will both be going to counseling. Please know that we are here for you and it is not your fault!
I'm mad at your husband for trying to put some of the blame on you. His decision to get involved with this woman is completely on him. You hold no blame here.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I just needed to say that before anything else. You not having sex more than one a week is NOT the reason for this.
I'm so sorry you have this going on right now
He definitely needs individual counseling along with the joint and some for yourself to work on trust issues now.
I know you asked him to end all contact, but if it were me, I would make him skype her or facetime her and see it being said for yourself. And then I would pop my head into the screen and say, "Hi, I'm D. The person MARRIED to H. Please kindly fuck off." Then I would tell H that if he contacts her again for ANY reason, you will pack his bag for him and drop him off at the airport with a one way ticket to Iowhore.
I agree with so many of the previous posters. I hope therapy for each of you and couples therapy will help you heal and save your marriage. His depression sounds very serious but is not an excuse for an emotional affair.
I don't have anything to add to all the great advice you're already gotten, but thought it was worth repeating again that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! So to the extent that's even a question in your mind, it shouldn't be. I'm sorry you're going through this and am sending big hugs your way.
Post by thedahliharpa on Mar 30, 2014 19:07:52 GMT -5
Oh K, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this shit. Seriously, you are kind, smart, beautiful and funny and a great mom to Max! I really hope that in the long run you can move forward. It's certainly worth the effort and I hope he does his part. Big hugs.
I am so sorry and so many hugs! I think your response to this really speaks to your character. Such a kind thoughtful person. Please protect yourself. I am upset that this started a year ago and he is making all these excuses. The first year with a baby is HARD, I know my baby was still nursing and up multiple times at night and my husband was not getting much, I can say with absolute certainty it was less than once a week. Also, if this was such an issue for him he should have brought it up with you prior to anything involving this girl. I have also gained weight and I can relate to what you are saying about that. BUT this is all still a choice made by him and is not your fault. I really hope therapy works and you can heal.
Post by laurensmomma on Mar 30, 2014 21:44:18 GMT -5
I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I agree with many of the PPs that nothing about this is your fault, and he has no one to blame but himself. My SIL and her husband recently went through the exact same situation, and it looked as those things weren't going to work out. But, they both decided they wanted to make it work, so they've been going to counseling once a week for quite awhile now, and they are doing so much better.
I think the main thing that turned it around for them is that they both wanted it. If you both aren't committed, the road to recovery is going to be much more difficult. Many hugs to you, Devotcha.
I am so sorry and so many hugs! I think your response to this really speaks to your character. Such a kind thoughtful person. Please protect yourself. I am upset that this started a year ago and he is making all these excuses. The first year with a baby is HARD, I know my baby was still nursing and up multiple times at night and my husband was not getting much, I can say with absolute certainty it was less than once a week. Also, if this was such an issue for him he should have brought it up with you prior to anything involving this girl. I have also gained weight and I can relate to what you are saying about that. BUT this is all still a choice made by him and is not your fault. I really hope therapy works and you can heal.
This made me cry. Thanks to you, littlecashew, and THANK YOU EVERYONE.
I love you all for standing up for me, and I do agree that it's not my fault... all MY issues aside... it was totally his idiotic choice... and to his credit, I don't think he is using the sex thing as an excuse, it just came up in our discussion of things he wants us to work on - if that makes any sense. We've talked about it in the past and tried to do it more (succeeded because that is way more than we used to) Although it obviously was one of the things he talked about with HER and it helped them connect because apparently she loves giving bjs (lovely - that'll stay in my mind... but I asked for details so it's my own damn fault) and that SHE is not getting enough sex in her marriage and they bonded over that.
However, I do agree that I am way too fucking nice. My emotions have been all over the place today, thanks also to aunt flo. We did keep talking all day and I feel better. He feels horrible and guilty and all the things, which I think is good. He needs to process his shit and deal with it. I think he has been in major denial for a long time and his own lying bullshit inappropriate behavior made him sick. He has a LOT to work out on his own and him being open to counseling makes me content about it at least.
I'm so mad for you that he's trying to spin this around on you for not having sex more than once a week. Holy shit. That's a lot for many couples with a toddler. It's so not fair for him to try and blame this on you. If it was sex that was bothering him he would have found someone to have sex with. He claims that's not what this was. He has emotional issues that he definitely needs to see a therapist for.
I'm so sorry. It's not you. Please don't feel like you've done something wrong. So many hugs.
FWIW, He definitely claims it was a lot of things that have been missing here, and he says he doesn't know how far it would have gone if she was here (code for he would have had sex with her.) He definitely didn't feel connected to me in emotional ways as well and there's a lot there including not feeling like he could come to me to talk about negative things in general but work, etc. because I just do the "dude thing" and give him advice without listening. It's funny because I know I do that but I am generally a good listener.
I don't really feel like I did something wrong but I do feel like there have been a lot of things wrong with my marriage and I haven't done a lot to work on it either. I don't really feel like I could have stopped him having this connection, but perhaps if things were better last year it wouldn't have gone so far. Then again, maybe it would have.... I think I am was just talking about the once a week (and that's probably tops for us, it's more like twice every three weeks - lol) sex wasn't enough for him and as a result, he felt less connected. Apparently being sexual with me makes him feel like he is more connected emotionally. I guess I get it... :/ Yeah, not an excuse though obviously!
Hugs, again. It will take time. He may feel bad and guilty because he just got caught. Time will be the biggest tell tale sign.
Thanks! And yeah I am sure that's part of it.
I guess I am a little jealous but the biggest issue I have with the whole thing is the fuckload of lies and deceit. I guess I just had put him on a pedestal and thought he was above all that bs. We watched a series together last week and there was a major cheater in it and he kept saying the guy was a douchebag. I was thinking about that, and how passionate he seemed when he called him that. I've never seen him do that about a show or a movie before and it definitely caught my attention... maybe he was thinking about himself or his own desires and it made him feel like a douchebag? Sigh.
I think it's safe to say a lot of us would be worried if not having sex with their H's once a week is a valid excuse for stepping out of their marriage. I think purple would be the only one not in this camp.
After I wrote that I knew you guys would make me feel better about that!! Haha. I have told him that this is normal (to clarify, it used to be like once a month and has gotten more frequent these last 3 months or so) and he said that is sad.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were able to talk to him and that he admitted it, but I'm so sorry for how it's turned out. I agree, counseling is an absolute must, one who will talk to you both together but also separately.
And yes, he needs to cut all contact with her immediately.
I'm in this boat too and I, too, am so sorry that this is happening to you guys.
Oh no devotchka! Don't cry! I am just really impressed with your reaction, and how you thought about this woman's husband and child. You are probably right and the sex thing isn't the real issue but my feathers are still ruffled on your behalf that it was brought up. I am thrilled he is so open to therapy and i really hope they can also set him up to have his depression addressed. MORE hugs!
Oh no devotchka! Don't cry! I am just really impressed with your reaction, and how you thought about this woman's husband and child. You are probably right and the sex thing isn't the real issue but my feathers are still ruffled on your behalf that it was brought up. I am thrilled he is so open to therapy and i really hope they can also set him up to have his depression addressed. MORE hugs!
Thanks! I have a lot of empathy and sometimes it gets the best of me. I think in this situation I was surprised that he was doing this with someone who had a kid and a husband... but at the same time that's exactly WHY they bonded in the first place. I talked to him last night and asserted that I don't think it's my fault and the slower sex life we had in the past (that has gotten much better, to me once a week is good! LOL) year or two has nothing to do w/ his own decisions to step outside of the marriage to get what he felt he wasn't getting, emotionally at least. He says he didn't mean for it to come out that way and he is not using it as an excuse. I think the more we talk the easier it is to forgive him, but a good part of me wants to wait to forgive him and not fully go back to him with open arms - maybe because I want him to feel the pain a bit? But on the other hand, he so easily falls prey to depression AND I am relying on him to find a new job, I don't really want to do that either. Going to call a counseling ctr. right now!!!
I'm so sorry, Devotchka. Second what everyone else said about his "reasons" and not blaming yourself for his infidelity. I just wanted to add to that that in my marriage, my H and I are struggling with an emotional connection, but it's mostly on my part and is definitely related to the lack of intimacy in our marriage. HOWEVER, I have done none of the things your H has done. Please do not blame yourself in any way for his actions. Lack of sex can cause a disconnect, but that should lead to frank discussions and work on the issue as both partners agree, not to an outside source of connection. ((hugs))
And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.
This is what I would do too. And I'd probably be talking to this woman's husband. But I'm a little crazy.
Same on both counts. I would not hesitate to call her husband. And I agree with T in that an emotional connection would be worse than a physical one for me. I am so sorry you are going through this