Update on our little situation

[devotchka]

So I'm laying in bed crying right now... I swear, I don't know who I would I talk to if it wasn't for you probies.
I got h out of bed on sat morning and probed him to tell me who "mf" was (her initials) - he denied it at first but eventually told me it's an old college friend who he got back in touch with a year ago over email. They started texting and talking on the phone at some point and although there hasn't been any phone sex there has been lots of flirting and inappropriate conversations and comments. He's as close to her as he is to me and it's to the point where he told me that he'll tell her not to expect to hear from him this weekend (because she expects to usually....ugh.) So although he didn't have sex w her, her living in Iowa and all, he has thought about it etc. Something that made me even more grossed out is that she is married w a kid Max's age.
So there is a dad group but she is the one he's been texting with & not the dads.
We are trying to work through this but I don't know where to start. I want to try to fix this marriage and he says he does too but i can't ignore this or forgive that easily. I know it could have gotten worse and I'm glad it's (hopefully) stopping here.
We've had several talks about it and got to the point where it seemed like we were getting somewhere and we were going to go to breakfast this morning and try to reconnect (bc us not spending enough time together is part of what drove him to this relationship but obviously that wasn't the entire reason )but this is so recent and painful for me that I can't get it out of my mind. So instead I'm just laying in bed and trying to get the energy to get out and eat something.
Yesterday we were hanging out at my moms and I talked to my mom about living w her if h doesn't find a job soon. I just can't believe the timing of this. She kept max overnight and everyone thought we were gonna go out and have fun but instead we talked for hours and now it's just this. I canceled a brunch w friends because I didn't want to pretend everything is ok. I don't even know where to go from here.
So I'm going to try to find us a therapist and go. I am so mad and sad and all the things...

[lauranicole91]

I am so sorry I just wanted to offer lots of hugs to you! I hope therapy brings positive affects on this situation.

[TrudyCampbell]

I'm so sorry . I think it's a positive thing that this woman lives so far away. I hope he's able to end contact with her.

Please update us and vent anytime.

[unclejesse]

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Counseling is good if you both truly want to stay married. He needs to stop all communication with that woman like yesterday. I hate the timing of all of this. I hope that you have a good support system in your mom and nearby friends. And we are all here for you.

And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.

[nilex0102]

Hugs just hugs! This is so hard! Make sure to take care of yourself best you can so you have some room to breathe.

[The Foozzler]

Awww. I am so sorry. I know this is all really hard. Hopefully you guys can go forward from here and work to fix things. Hugs!

[TrudyCampbell]

Mar 30, 2014 11:34:21 GMT -5 unclejesse said:

And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.

This is what I would do too. And I'd probably be talking to this woman's husband. But I'm a little crazy.

[Deleted]

Oh man, Hun. I'm sending you so many good thoughts and prayers.

[carawestt]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry. Hugs hugs!

[browneyedhunni85]

Mar 30, 2014 11:37:03 GMT -5 TrudyCampbell said:

Mar 30, 2014 11:34:21 GMT -5 unclejesse said:

And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.

This is what I would do too. And I'd probably be talking to this woman's husband. But I'm a little crazy.

Yeah. I don't think I could let this go. I feel like her husband should know she's been having an emotion affair as well.

[katie]

Mar 30, 2014 11:34:21 GMT -5 unclejesse said:

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Counseling is good if you both truly want to stay married. He needs to stop all communication with that woman like yesterday. I hate the timing of all of this. I hope that you have a good support system in your mom and nearby friends. And we are all here for you.

And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.

Yes I agree with all of this 110%. 

[devotchka]

Thanks guys. He was apologetic and he has some serious depression issues, he even said "this is the most suicidal I've ever felt but I will never do that to max" which was a shock to me. I didn't realize he was that bad. I would definitely like for us all to see a shrink!
And Trudy, I was so tempted to call the husband but then I started thinking about how mad he might be and if he has a certain type of personality, I wouldn't want to inflict that sort of chaos on a family with a kid. You never know, some guys lose their shit and I don't want to be the one that opened that door (well technically h did but you get the point.)
I did say that I can't control you but if I were you I would stop right now and not talk to her anymore so as not to inflict any more pain on our families. You are in danger of collapsing two marriages and two families and it's in your power to stop it... Or some shit like that. I hope that'll be enough.

[melmon0417]

Mar 30, 2014 11:34:21 GMT -5 unclejesse said:

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Counseling is good if you both truly want to stay married. He needs to stop all communication with that woman like yesterday. I hate the timing of all of this. I hope that you have a good support system in your mom and nearby friends. And we are all here for you.

And if it were me, I'd give him the ultimatum that if he ever contacted her again, I'd be gone.

This.

I also agree with pp that said you could each benefit from counseling separately, as well as together.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. We are all here for you. Big, huge hugs.

[Beener]

I'm so sorry. I think it is a step in the right direction that he's talking to you about it and seems to be telling the truth about it. I would seek a professional to help you two out. ((Hugs))

[ruby412]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. And I hope the two of you are able to work through it, if that's what you want. I definitely think seeking a therapist ASAP would be helpful. So many hugs to you, lady.

[melis74]

I'm so sorry. I think it's a good step that he did finally admit everything to you. It is going to be hard for him to earn your trust again. He needs to be an open book. You should be able to look at his phone or check his email anytime you want, no questions asked or hesitation.

You both need to talk to a professional. If you feel that you are talking well at home and neither of you are holding things back then I would skip couples counseling for now and just do individual sessions.

Big hugs to you.

[sallyowens]

Big hugs, lady. I agree with PP's that counseling is a must. Good luck with everything and vent as much as you need to.

[Faevantastic]

Sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself!

[katfco]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were able to talk to him and that he admitted it, but I'm so sorry for how it's turned out. I agree, counseling is an absolute must, one who will talk to you both together but also separately.

And yes, he needs to cut all contact with her immediately.

[honeybee503]

((Hugs)) I am so sorry you are going through this.

[bean47]

I am so sorry it's turned out this way I truly hope he is able to cut contact with her and that you are able to attend therapy together. Many hugs for you.

[kemangel124]

I'm so so sorry. This whole situation sucks. Even though it isn't physical, I would still have a really hard time getting over it...I mean, if this girl lived in your neighborhood how far would it have gone before you found out? Ugh I am just sick for you, big huge hugs!

[creamsiclechica]

Oh my goodness, honey, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine this pain and suffering right now. Counseling will be one of the best solutions right now because there's so much hurt. We are here for you, no matter what. I wish we could wrap you up in a big hug and take you out to brunch ourselves. Love you.

[honeybee503]

Also, how about instead of him telling her not to expect hearing from him this weekend he just ceases all contact? I'm sure she'll be able to piece together what is going on and maybe then it will weigh on her conscience more.

[imimahoney]

I'm so sorry. So many hugs to you.

[Dorothy Zbornak]

I'm really sorry.

[sunshineluv]

I am so very sorry he did this to you. I hope this can be the beginning of better things for you two or at least better communication. Big huge hugs to you.

[jenbelle]

I'm so sorry hon. I hope you guys find a good therapist and can work this out.  I have no real advice, just lots of hugs to offer. ((hugs))

[claralou]

Hugs, hon. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

[kdrake8]

I am so so sorry honey. So sorry. I want to give you a giant hug. I'm glad he seemed to be honest and glad you'll both go to counseling.

I want to tell you that IMO you telling him he HAS to cut off contact with her to show that he is making an actual effort is NOT telling him what to do. He should be demanded and be willing to immediately tell her he will no longer be talking to her ever again, delete her number/email/whatever. That is showing some good faith to YOU that he wants to work on earning your trust.

Id call the husband also but that's your call.

Above all, please protect yourself. I hope with ALL my heart that this works out the way you want it to, however that may be. But please protect you and M.

Big hugs. We love you. We are here for you.