Marriage Retreat?

[themoneytree]

Have you been or would you go on one?

H and I have had a rough'ish year - nothing awful, just not the great relationship of the 10 previous years and some hurtful things have been said which still sting.
A lot of effort has been made and things have really improved over the past month but there is still work to do from both sides.

I saw a 'marriage retreat' weekend advertised. It's called How to get the love you want. It's meant to give the equivalent of 7 months of weekly marriage counciling sessions in one weekend.

It's pricey at about $750 but I think it sounds really interesting. I only managed to find one review of the weekend online and it was a good one. The book (which I just ordered on eBay) has really good reviews.

Is anyone familiar with this at all? Or a similar concept? Most marriage retreats I have heard of seem to be faith based. I like that this one isn't, but $750 for a weekend is a lot. We would absolutely do it if we thought it would really help refocus on us so I wondered if anyone had done it/ heard of someone else who had done it?

[CrazyLucky]

I know a lot of people who have done this. Not just people who have a marriage in trouble, but people who just want to make their marriage even better. I have never heard a bad thing, or any regrets about doing it. I always hear it was fantastic and DH and I should try it. The caveat is, everyone I know did a faith-based retreat.

[nymama]

I know many couples who have participated in faith based marriage retreats and found them to be a very positive experience for their marriages. I would definitely be intrigued by a retreat that is not faith based since neither my husband or I are involved in organized religion. I think that spending a weekend with all focus on interacting and communicating could very well be an experience that will help your marriage. If it were me, I would do it.

[themoneytree]

I'm wondering what the difference in faith vs non faith retreats would be - obviously barring the obvious, trust in God to keep you together type stuff.

The focus is meant to be on communication and how to get your point across kindly. I'm wondering if it all sounds scripted, because I will struggle with that.

There is one this weekend and we can't go because we have no one to leave the kiddo with. It's Friday night and then very full days on Saturday and Sunday.

I think we may try and aim for the June one and see if H's Mom can come up and sit for us.

I guess ultimately I would rather regret spending the $750 and have it not be worth it than regret not spending it and always wondering what could have come from it.

[Deleted]

I think with any marriage counseling and changing the way you communicate, it all DOES sound scripted at first. You aren't used to speaking that way to your spouse and they aren't used to hearing it. But as they say, practice makes perfect. You want to get better at it and make it be a more natural form of communicating, then you have to start somewhere in that awkward, clunky, mouth jumble of sentiments you aren't used to saying.

[rupertpenny]

Nope, especially after rereading peachesandpinot's old thread.

I would not hesitate to take a plain old vacation though.

[rupertpenny]

Or regular couples therapy.

I've done individual counseling which could be different, but I don't buy the 7 months in a weekend claim. That kind of stuff takes time, it can't be rushed.

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 7:51:34 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Nope, especially after rereading peachesandpinot's old thread.

I would not hesitate to take a plain old vacation though.

God - I'm going to have to go back and read the whole thing. It'll have to wait until nap time now, but I'll check it out.

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 7:53:15 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Or regular couples therapy.

I've done individual counseling which could be different, but I don't buy the 7 months in a weekend claim. That kind of stuff takes time, it can't be rushed.

Also, I don't think it's 7 months in one week INSTEAD of any other therapy. I think it's like a massive (7 months worth? ; ) ) jump start which you then cement with other therapy?

I think we need to do it. Based on my comment in the PP thread which I hadn't even seen when I made this one, it's obviously been on my mind for a long time. I hadn't realized how long. $750 is a lot of cash, but we can afford it and post kid anything that really brings us closer together has to be a good thing.

We did a city overnight thing a while ago and it was super fun, but we did not bang and it was more like hanging out with a good friend. I don't know if a retreat could help us focus more romantically (things have been a lot better recently, but still not back to pre kid levels), but I think it's worth a shot.

Of course I still need to read that other thread..... ; )

[luckyval]

I think it's worth a shot and it's certainly something that can kick start better communication habits. But, I'm with rupert - I wouldn't look at it as a substitute for long-term counseling.

[CrazyLucky]

I read @peachesandpinot's old thread. (http://pandce.proboards.com/thread/254612/pretty-creeped-chick-out-bar). It wasn't really about marriage retreat so much as being mean to peaches.

I'd be interested in something that teaches DH and I better communication. The $750 would give me pause though.

[polarbearfans]

We just got from a Worldwide Marriage Encounter and it has saved our marriage. It really focused on communication and talking about our feelings I terms that the other could relate to. It also brought up the point that we are a unit, and our lives have become too separate. The price is whatever you can pay. The weekend is paid for already, and the fee is paying for future couples.

[margarita]

I know a couple who went on one of these retreats, and they did say it was very helpful. I don't think it should "replace" counseling, but it's a good place to start.

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 9:05:13 GMT -5 polarbearfans said:

We just got from a Worldwide Marriage Encounter and it has saved our marriage. It really focused on communication and talking about our feelings I terms that the other could relate to. It also brought up the point that we are a unit, and our lives have become too separate. The price is whatever you can pay. The weekend is paid for already, and the fee is paying for future couples.

Wow - that sounds great!
Is it faith based?

[livinitup]

We did a pre-Cana marriage retreat weekend instead of weekly classes and I really enjoyed it. I grew up going to the very occasional retreat, so I had some good experiences with the concept. The curriculum was adapted for pre-marriage - it was clearly something you could do for a retreat after marriage. Focus on communication, modern stuff. I always thought it would great to go back do it again. I probably will. The location was gorgeous, too.

 

[amberlyrose]

The military hosts one after major deployments and we were required to go. I think it was great and we did learn a lot from it. It wasn't faith based, but they did have chaplains there for support.

[Deleted]

I haven't done one, but I think they sound like a great idea. Marriage counseling is good, but it's also SLOW and in my limited experience seems more focused on fixing issues and talking about things to do outside of the counseling session vs using the actual session to connect. My impression of a retreat is that there are some of the same elements of weekly counseling but it is also an opportunity to connect NOW and go through things together that couldn't possibly happen in 1 hour a week over time.

I think taking a chunk of time to really focus on each other and your marriage would have a much larger impact on me than short weekly sessions did. I can see how you could easily lose momentum over time AFTER the retreat, so maybe using the retreat to kick start and then following up with weekly/bi-weekly/monthly counseling sessions to stay on track would be the best route.

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 7:51:34 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Nope, especially after rereading peachesandpinot's old thread.

I would not hesitate to take a plain old vacation though.

Ok I read the thread and I don't see why you would say this? Because a couple of posters don't like the idea? Please explain. 

[missyny]

Sounds great! (Except the faith part) But I honestly think that any away time-dedicated to one another's needs, wants, desires, communication, listening is something any couple would benefit! Finding that TIME sounds like the hardest hurdle, imo.

[Deleted]

I have not been to anything like this but I would if I felt it would help. I would suggest maybe speaking with a marriage counselor in your area for suggestions for places he/she might send clients.

[lilac05]

I have not been, but know several people who have (all Faith-based). Every single couple says it was a great experience, and most of them wouldn't have labeled their marriages as "in trouble". It's a weekend to take time out of your very busy schedule to focus on each other. Mini getaways & date nights are great, but are filled with things that distract you from focusing in your relationship...sight-seeing, movies, concerts, etc. If you're needing to remind yourself how you love to spend time/have fun with your spouse, they're great. If you're wanting to improve communication or build a stronger foundation, retreats are great...you spend the time talking about your relationship, not current events, friends, etc.

ETA:  The price does seem high.  Does it include lodging and meals?  I think the one at our church was about $100.

[rupertpenny]

I was mostly joking, but really, I wouldn't want to run into a bunch of p&ps at a marriage retreat.

I think counseling is great. I think carving out specific time together as a couple is great. I just don't think I'd necessarily try and do it all at once. Counseling is emotionally exhausting and I think time to recover between sessions is beneficial. Trying to do 7 months of counseling in one weekend sounds like hell to me, especially if it's with a therapist I've never met and don't have a relationship with. Of course it will take time, but I think seeing a therapist regularly would be more beneficial over the long run. To me this just seems like one of those things where people are selling a quick fix for something that cannot be fixed quickly.

[sewpinkgal]

Apr 24, 2014 9:33:43 GMT -5 livinitup said:

We did a pre-Cana marriage retreat weekend instead of weekly classes and I really enjoyed it. I grew up going to the very occasional retreat, so I had some good experiences with the concept. The curriculum was adapted for pre-marriage - it was clearly something you could do for a retreat after marriage. Focus on communication, modern stuff. I always thought it would great to go back do it again. I probably will. The location was gorgeous, too.

 

Ditto. We did Engaged Encounter and I always said I'd love to go back and do Marriage Encounter. It was just a really positive weekend, we talked about things that would have never come up otherwise and we both left saying it was the best thing we could have done to prepare for our marriage. So much so, that if I ever convert to Catholicism, I'd love to be a host couple for an EE weekend.

I think if you can stomach the cost and the reviews are good, I would probably do it.

[sewpinkgal]

Apr 24, 2014 15:34:14 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

ETA:  The price does seem high.  Does it include lodging and meals?  I think the one at our church was about $100.

I'm sure this is because the churches subsidize a large part of the cost and most of the host couples are volunteers. I could see where a privately run retreat would be much more expensive, especially if it includes food/lodging.

[goaskalice]

Obviously, you both have to be open and receptive to what would come out of the retreat. As long as that's the case I don't see it doing any harm at all and think it could be very very good for you.

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 9:05:13 GMT -5 polarbearfans said:

We just got from a Worldwide Marriage Encounter and it has saved our marriage. It really focused on communication and talking about our feelings I terms that the other could relate to. It also brought up the point that we are a unit, and our lives have become too separate. The price is whatever you can pay. The weekend is paid for already, and the fee is paying for future couples.

Can you, sewpinkgal and jillianashley6 come back and tell me more about it? How does the 'faith' part play into things? What kind of exercises did you do?  I see it is open to anyone regardless of faith so how does that work?
I'd love to hear more info!

[themoneytree]

Apr 24, 2014 15:41:07 GMT -5 kooshball said:

Is it a gottman thing? If so, then yes I would go but it isn't individualized so if you need help of a professional then it might not be the right setting.

No I don't think it is. It's definitely not faith based though. 

[sewpinkgal]

themoneytree - I haven't been to Marriage Encounter, but my guess is it is similar to Engaged Encounter. The religious components of the retreat (from what I can remember, it was 9 years ago) were Mass on Sunday morning, prayers to start and end the day, inviting God into your marriage, having a priest there to facilitate discussion and give a religious bend to the topics being discussed. You also light a candle during a prayer ceremony the last night, with a blessing by the priest. There was a large handful of people there that were not only not Catholic, but not religious at all. I'm Protestant, so the religious stuff very much fell in line with what I believe, but I know it could be a lot if you are really not a religious person.

Lastly, there was A LOT of time given to being by yourself and writing/thinking about the topics and then being alone with your spouse to discuss your answers. It was nice to have a lot of built in time to just chat one on one and not always having group sessions. I just know we both walked away feeling so strong in our relationship and that we had a great base moving forward in our marriage.

I hope that helps to illuminate what the weekend may look like if you decide to go with a faith-based program.

[sewpinkgal]

Looks like I have a very similar recollection as jillianashley6. I'm also glad you are getting to hear from someone who is not very religious and how the weekend felt for them.

[azurely]

We did the Weekend to Remember a few years ago. It's very faith based, so if you're not religious, it might not be for you, but we got a lot out of it.

We weren't having any specific issues when we went, other than dealing with infertility, but it was good for strengthening our marriage. We will probably do it again in a few years, after we have kids.