Post by teatimefor2 on May 12, 2014 18:18:24 GMT -5
Am I just being hormonal? Or do I have real cause to be annoyed.
Yesterday for Mothers Day, DH and H gave me a card. And a framed photo of them for my future desk when I go back to work. I currently SAH and am pregnant with our second child. Both of our moms SAH and that's what we decided to do. Our plan is to have me SAH until out youngest is two. At 15 weeks pregnant, that means the earliest I will go back is 2.5 years. And we haven't agreed on a third or not. We flip flop.
What the heck? Does he want me to go back to work. DH has a sweet deal. I do it all. The laundry, dry cleaning, cooking, cleaning, majority of the childrearing, finances. He mows the lawn and goes to a job he loves.
We've just moved and he's working on the yard, etc, which he's loving. I swear, I'm so annoyed with the phrase, I'm loving becoming handy. He's not as handy as he thinks he is and it takes forever for him to accomplish anything.
Plus I'm just annoyed that that's what he got me. Really a framed photo I can really appreciate in years at the earliest.
Plus we are going on holiday tomorrow. He was suppose to plan and arrange everything since I always do it and he's going to the World Cup and I'm not. Of course, I'm going everything. I've booked the resort, the plane tickets, the car service, gotten out cash, packed, let the neighbors know, cleaned out the fridge, taken out the trash, etc.
Do I hand a right to be annoyed? I feel like he doesn't realise everything I do and I'm pissed. So am I justified or just hormonal?
Men often get framed photos for their desks. It sounds like he was REALLY clueless and grasping.
Is he normally good about gifts?
I don't think he would choose a gift giving occasion as an opportunity to hint at you returning to work. It sounds like you guys have open communication about it if you keep flip flopping about how many kids you'll have.
Yes, I mean the gift would have been fine had he not given the weird caveat of when you could use it. Because even if you wanted to put a frame in a drawer for three years, wouldn't you want to have a current framed photo of both your kids on your hypothetical future desk? Anyway. I also had a disappointing Mother's Day present so I feel your pain.
As for everything else, I think you should be annoyed too. When you both agree on expectations and someone STILL lets you down sucks the worst. I'd let him know he let you down.
Post by undecidedowl on May 12, 2014 18:31:23 GMT -5
If he hadn't said anything about it being for work I would have thought it was perfectly nice. Some people put frames like that on their nightstand. So, a little clueless but not terrible. But this is coming from someone who got no card or gift.
The planning thing, I would be pissed. But that's because the same thing happens to me. I don't SAH but I do all the family planning. DH had the balls to tell me the other day that I should really hurry up and book our hotel room for a month from now. Never crossed his mind to look up the number or offer to do it himself.
I'm not sure how he mentioned the going back to work thing, so it's hard to say how annoyed I would be. But since I'm pregnant and hormonal, too, it doesn't take much to annoy me. On the not feeling appreciated front, I would be upset.
Men often get framed photos for their desks. It sounds like he was REALLY clueless and grasping.
Is he normally good about gifts?
I don't think he would choose a gift giving occasion as an opportunity to hint at you returning to work. It sounds like you guys have open communication about it if you keep flip flopping about how many kids you'll have.
We've been together for almost nine years and he's always been a bad gift giver. We were married on Dec 16 and for our first Christmas together, he got me a card and wrote, you can get a massage. Now I buy for him and me.
Every once in a while he gets it right, but maybe twice in nine years if togetherness, eight years of marriage.
I've snapped at DH twice tonight. Once because he brought up a subject twice then acted confused when I said yes, you already told me that. The other because he was egging DS on to say I was the best mom and I don't like coached answers. I'm a real peach to be around right now.
It's okay to be annoyed but try to separate All the Feelings from the truly annoying things (like the lack of trip planning follow through) so you can have a healthy discussion. Bringing up the mutual work expectations is important and there may be some taking advantage of that leaked over into the holiday planning.
We don't know your relationship, but if you're concerned about a hidden meaning then couldn't you just ask him? "Hey, I love the picture, but just wanted to make sure we were still on the same page for the next few years with our plan."
Don't be accusing, but open communication about such a big thing like this is pretty important. I'm sorry you're having doubt.
Honestly, DH had never been the hidden agenda person. Last year for Fathers Day, I made a mug with H's hand prints saying worlds best daddy hands down. I've also giving him a photo of H for his desk. But he doesn't see H( or me for that matter) everyday. In his mind, it most likely seemed equal since he's received similar.
He gets stuck in a thought and the gift stems from that one thought. For British mothers day, he have me a book on how processed food are taking over America. Yes, Im interested in health, but that's not a Mother's Day gift. But this idea got stuck in his head.
Men often get framed photos for their desks. It sounds like he was REALLY clueless and grasping.
Is he normally good about gifts?
I don't think he would choose a gift giving occasion as an opportunity to hint at you returning to work. It sounds like you guys have open communication about it if you keep flip flopping about how many kids you'll have.
We've been together for almost nine years and he's always been a bad gift giver. We were married on Dec 16 and for our first Christmas together, he got me a card and wrote, you can get a massage. Now I buy for him and me.
Every once in a while he gets it right, but maybe twice in nine years if togetherness, eight years of marriage.
Then I don't understand why you were expecting something different yesterday?
I also got a (huge) picture frame, and I had to kick 3 other frames out of our living room to make room for it. It was a huge improvement from last years gift at least.
Maybe in his head, he figured the recent house purchase was gift enough? I am not being snarky, just thinking that this is the kind of thing that would occur to DH. I could just see my own DH thinking, "well, we just made this huge purchase, why go overboard on xyz holiday?"
If he hadn't said the work thing, would you still be annoyed by the gift?
Maybe in his head, he figured the recent house purchase was gift enough? I am not being snarky, just thinking that this is the kind of thing that would occur to DH. I could just see my own DH thinking, "well, we just made this huge purchase, why go overboard on xyz holiday?"
If he hadn't said the work thing, would you still be annoyed by the gift?
It's the work thing that's upsetting me, not the picture itself,
The holiday issue was we had a huge fight in December, and we never fight. I was pissed that the World Cup is going to cost double what it told me it would and his friend asked him to go on a big trip hiking some mountain in South America- which I would love to do, but right now we both can't. I said why is it that you want to spend your holidays apart from us and your son and I want to spend them with you.
He said he did want to spend them with us and proposed he would plan a trip, but somehow I did it all. And we both love to travel. It is one of our favorite things to do together.
I don't think the house thing would have even occurred to him.
I think the back to work thing was an odd choice of words but I don't think a framed picture is all that weird. And you have talked on here about how you want to eventually go back to work so maybe he thought it was a good gift?
We've been together for almost nine years and he's always been a bad gift giver. We were married on Dec 16 and for our first Christmas together, he got me a card and wrote, you can get a massage. Now I buy for him and me.
Every once in a while he gets it right, but maybe twice in nine years if togetherness, eight years of marriage.
Then I don't understand why you were expecting something different yesterday?
Because last years Mother's Day was horrible and he had two tries! In the UK, he got the wrong weekend and them forgot when it rolled around. In the US, we were visiting friends so he forgot my card/gift at the office. Which was a book on Audrey Huphren style that you but at the card shop.
I told him his year, I want him to put some thought into it. This was also part of our December fight. See previous post.
I think a lot of people would save themselves a lot of anger if they were very specific about what they wanted. My dh is not a gifter. I told him exactly what I wanted (down to what kind of doughnuts that I wanted in bed) and it happened. I'm never going to be overly affectionate and my dh is never going to be good at gifts. It is what it is.
I'd guess your dh gave it little thought and meant absolutely nothing by it.
I think a lot of people would save themselves a lot of anger if they were very specific about what they wanted. My dh is not a gifter. I told him exactly what I wanted (down to what kind of doughnuts that I wanted in bed) and it happened. I'm never going to be overly affectionate and my dh is never going to be good at gifts. It is what it is.
I'd guess your dh gave it little thought and meant absolutely nothing by it.
Agreed. I keep an Amazon wish list, update it and send it to my H about 2 weeks before holidays. And I always like what I get!
So, I apologize if this comes across harsh, but do you and your H ever communicate? You've posted multiple times about situations, asking if you're in the wrong, with things that could have easily either been avoided or quickly worked out if you and him only communicated.
Yes. You're overreacting. Especially since you know he is a shitty gift-giver. He cannot read your mind. Even if you tell him to "put some thought into it" or whatever, he still can't read your mind.
As for the work comment, once again, communicate with your H. If the occurrence isn't until a few years down the road, why are you getting upset by the comment now? If it bothered you, why didn't you discuss it with him? It seems as if you're latching on to a small comment about an event that may or may not happen in, like, 5 years. Who knows where you'll be at that point.
While I don't usually get worked up about gifts, I will say I don't think you're being crazy. It just sounds like maybe you feel like you are generally making more of an effort these days than he is- around the house, regarding trip-planning, etc. That's a really sucky way to feel. Add pregnancy to that and the frustrations can seem unbearable. Forgive the therapy-esque talk, but it seems like you're equating gifts with appreciation. Bad gift= he takes you for granted. And that's what you're pissed off about. Who doesn't want to feel appreciated?
I would sit down and just talk clearly about expectations and about the ways you can proactively plan errands/duties/trips/whatever so that you don't feel like it all gets thrown on you all the time. And the work thing is part of this, too. In his mind, making comments about you returning to work may not mean anything at all, but if to you they mean that you're "not doing anything" right now, he needs to know how hurtful it is and think more before he speaks.
Post by Velar Fricative on May 12, 2014 19:53:06 GMT -5
I think you're overreacting. He's a clueless gift giver - a lot of people are. To be frank, so am I. DH is leaps and bounds better at gift-giving than I am and I would be upset if he made it obvious that he dislikes what I buy him because he knows I try. It does sound like your DH tries, but just comes up short. I'm not sensing that he doesn't care, not at all. I think in light of the other issues you mention, you might be reading too much into whatever he gives you.
So, I apologize if this comes across harsh, but do you and your H ever communicate? You've posted multiple times about situations, asking if you're in the wrong, with things that could have easily either been avoided or quickly worked out if you and him only communicated.
Yes. You're overreacting. Especially since you know he is a shitty gift-giver. He cannot read your mind. Even if you tell him to "put some thought into it" or whatever, he still can't read your mind.
As for the work comment, once again, communicate with your H. If the occurrence isn't until a few years down the road, why are you getting upset by the comment now? If it bothered you, why didn't you discuss it with him? It seems as if you're latching on to a small comment about an event that may or may not happen in, like, 5 years. Who knows where you'll be at that point.
We communicate all the time. We actually have a very good relationship. I did ask if I'm overreacting; I'm pregnant, emotional and tired. In the last year, I've moved three times, including two countries. It's a lot. This is the only place I'm really allowed to vent/be upset, etc. it might not paint the real picture, but I'm okay with that. I'm just not one of those posters who writes random my life is so fab posts ( not critiquing those who do, it's just not me. I never post on FB, etc).
Honestly, we had my sister all weekend and I didn't have a change to bring it up to him. He's not home from work yet.
I wanted a second opinion. The more I thought about it today, the more it's bothered me. Chances are it's nothing. And your right, sometimes it's 48 hours and we haven't talked because life gets in the way. He doesn't have a 9-5 job and sometimes I don't get to have a meaningful conversation with him for a few days because he's working super late or going in super early to deal with Asia and Europe.
While I don't usually get worked up about gifts, I will say I don't think you're being crazy. It just sounds like maybe you feel like you are generally making more of an effort these days than he is- around the house, regarding trip-planning, etc. That's a really sucky way to feel. Add pregnancy to that and the frustrations can seem unbearable. Forgive the therapy-esque talk, but it seems like you're equating gifts with appreciation. Bad gift= he takes you for granted. And that's what you're pissed off about. Who doesn't want to feel appreciated?
I would sit down and just talk clearly about expectations and about the ways you can proactively plan errands/duties/trips/whatever so that you don't feel like it all gets thrown on you all the time. And the work thing is part of this, too. In his mind, making comments about you returning to work may not mean anything at all, but if to you they mean that you're "not doing anything" right now, he needs to know how hurtful it is and think more before he speaks.
I think you hit the nail on the head!! When we have ice cream tonight, I'm going to bring it up.
I don't think you're being crazy, but also just from what you've posted here, I think a slightly odd gift is the least of your relationship issues. It seems to me that you're really upset about more than a gift.
FWIW, I think the gift sounds lovely, and he was just completely not thinking when he made the work comment. If he's usually a bad gift-giver, then that explains it.
I don't think you're being crazy, but also just from what you've posted here, I think a slightly odd gift is the least of your relationship issues. It seems to me that you're really upset about more than a gift.
FWIW, I think the gift sounds lovely, and he was just completely not thinking when he made the work comment. If he's usually a bad gift-giver, then that explains it.
Hmmm, I think I am going to have to start posting more positive stuff to because I'm completely giving you guts the wrong idea about our relationship.
Sigh, I'm always a hormonal mess whilst pregnant. I swear his gift giving is one of our big issues, we actually don't have a lot of issues.
I think you are overreacting about the gift. You've said he's a crappy gift giver so while I get being disappointed, I think you are reading too much into this. You have him a framed photo last year, he did so this year. I don't think he had an ulterior motive there.
The planning and that other stuff WOULD bother me and I would bring that up In a very calm discussion but definitely get your point across.