1. Bf shouldn't be involved with the kids after 3 months. 2. Why do you engage with kf? Texting war insinuates there are two people battling. 3. You're not over kf. If you were you wouldn't be this invested in his bs. 4. Get a custody agreement in writing and this won't happen. 5. Counseling and lots of it
I'm sorry that is was stressful. KF sounds very difficult to be around.
How long have you been with your BF? Why doesn't KF have anything to do with your son?
I do not like the way that KF speaks to you that way in front of either of your kids and that would be my major issue with him if I were you. Otherwise, just ignore his crap spewed at you, it really doesn't have anything to do with you, KWIM? Just don't engage.
1. Bf shouldn't be involved with the kids after 31.5 months. 2. Why do you engage with kf? Texting war insinuates there are two people battling. 3. You're not over kf. If you were you wouldn't be this invested in his bs. 4. Get a custody agreement in writing and this won't happen. 5. Counseling and lots of it
1. Bf shouldn't be involved with the kids after 31.5 months. 2. Why do you engage with kf? Texting war insinuates there are two people battling. 3. You're not over kf. If you were you wouldn't be this invested in his bs. 4. Get a custody agreement in writing and this won't happen. 5. Counseling and lots of it
1. Bf shouldn't be involved with the kids after 3 months. 2. Why do you engage with kf? Texting war insinuates there are two people battling. 3. You're not over kf. If you were you wouldn't be this invested in his bs. 4. Get a custody agreement in writing and this won't happen. 5. Counseling and lots of it
1. Yeah I can see that... I was quick to make that decision. I don't regret it but to each their own. 2. I don't know why I engage him. I just hate the way he talks (texts) to me and I lash back out. 3. I am 100% over KF and I knew this would be the thought when I was typing it out.... I was abused by him for so long that it became a way of life. I have the biggest heart ever and he has basically noone. I KNOW this isn't my problem, but see what I said... my big heart is a HUGE downfall. 4. He doesn't care about the courts or police so a custody agreement will do nothing. 5. I FULLY agree....
1. It's really frowned upon here to introduce your kids to a significant other quickly. I read through your past posts and I would highly recommend therapy. The way you describe your ex's treatment of your son makes me advise therapy for him, too. I can't imagine how painful it must be to have a parent clearly favor one child over another (or see a parent disrespect another parent so callously).
2. You need a parenting plan, a custody arrangement, and he needs to be paying child support. See a lawyer ASAP to get the ball rolling on these items.
3. Do not engage with your ex otherwise unless it is absolutely necessary. No childish texting wars. No contact unless absolutely necessary.
1. Bf shouldn't be involved with the kids after 3 months. 2. Why do you engage with kf? Texting war insinuates there are two people battling. 3. You're not over kf. If you were you wouldn't be this invested in his bs. 4. Get a custody agreement in writing and this won't happen. 5. Counseling and lots of it
1. Yeah I can see that... I was quick to make that decision. I don't regret it but to each their own. 2. I don't know why I engage him. I just hate the way he talks (texts) to me and I lash back out. 3. I am 100% over KF and I knew this would be the thought when I was typing it out.... I was abused by him for so long that it became a way of life. I have the biggest heart ever and he has basically noone. I KNOW this isn't my problem, but see what I said... my big heart is a HUGE downfall. 4. He doesn't care about the courts or police so a custody agreement will do nothing. 5. I FULLY agree....
Then call the police each time he violates it since "he doesn't care." Get a restraining order so he cannot just come to your home or text you and call each time breaks it. He'll probably care sooner than you imagine. You need it in writing when it blatantly breaks outlined agreement put forth by the courts.
1. Yeah I can see that... I was quick to make that decision. I don't regret it but to each their own. 2. I don't know why I engage him. I just hate the way he talks (texts) to me and I lash back out. 3. I am 100% over KF and I knew this would be the thought when I was typing it out.... I was abused by him for so long that it became a way of life. I have the biggest heart ever and he has basically noone. I KNOW this isn't my problem, but see what I said... my big heart is a HUGE downfall. 4. He doesn't care about the courts or police so a custody agreement will do nothing. 5. I FULLY agree....
Then call the police each time he violates it since "he doesn't care." Get a restraining order so he cannot just come to your home or text you and call each time breaks it. He'll probably care sooner than you imagine. You need it in writing when it blatantly breaks outlined agreement put forth by the courts.
YES.
He doesn't have to "care." You do. You can have things enforced and he can fuck off or comply.
Then call the police each time he violates it since "he doesn't care." Get a restraining order so he cannot just come to your home or text you and call each time breaks it. He'll probably care sooner than you imagine. You need it in writing when it blatantly breaks outlined agreement put forth by the courts.
YES.
He doesn't have to "care." You do. You can have things enforced and he can fuck off or comply.
You need an attorney.
I would stop making excuses for him. He doesn't have to like it. Get it all in writing and stick to it. Like others said above, call the police when you need to. Let him see that the threats and abuse are no longer tolerated. And make sure a parenting agreement includes visitation with his son.
I would take some time for yourself. You've been in so e type of relationship for your entire adult life.
You are right... and I knew my bf meeting the kids this early was going to be frowned upon by most on the board which was why I was hesitent to post but... this is my life, so why be fake with it. I agree about putting my foot down more and taking action with the police if I need it.... I do plan on getting my son into threapy as well, as I do know a lot his dad does affect him. This is all stuff I know and I guess I just have been so hesitent to do it for God knows what reason.... I will coninute to work on myself and make sure my kids come first... Getting out of an abusive situation is hard... but I am making progress and I think that is what truly matters.
You are right... and I knew my bf meeting the kids this early was going to be frowned upon by most on the board which was why I was hesitent to post but... this is my life, so why be fake with it. I agree about putting my foot down more and taking action with the police if I need it.... I do plan on getting my son into threapy as well, as I do know a lot his dad does affect him. This is all stuff I know and I guess I just have been so hesitent to do it for God knows what reason.... I will coninute to work on myself and make sure my kids come first... Getting out of an abusive situation is hard... but I am making progress and I think that is what truly matters.
Why do you think he is the way he is with his son? That hurts my heart.
And yes, you know the right course here. So focus on small steps and get it done. You got this.
I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and I wish you the best while you rebuild your life. (I'm not commenting on anything else because I freely admit that it is out of my depth as far as being able to give any good advice. I leave that to the other posters.) Take care of yourself and your children.
You are right... and I knew my bf meeting the kids this early was going to be frowned upon by most on the board which was why I was hesitent to post but... this is my life, so why be fake with it. I agree about putting my foot down more and taking action with the police if I need it.... I do plan on getting my son into threapy as well, as I do know a lot his dad does affect him. This is all stuff I know and I guess I just have been so hesitent to do it for God knows what reason.... I will coninute to work on myself and make sure my kids come first... Getting out of an abusive situation is hard... but I am making progress and I think that is what truly matters.
Why do you think he is the way he is with his son? That hurts my heart.
And yes, you know the right course here. So focus on small steps and get it done. You got this.
I was only 18 when I had my son... I was young and dumb... my parents didn't like my KF, so I didn't allow him in the room when my son was born. He went to prision when our son was a month old, and I did take him to see him at least 1 time every month but he never got that dad feeling with him.... it is sad and it makes my heart hurts for him but at the same time, my dad is such a blessing to us so I am greatful my son has my dad to look up to.
I'm going to also say what the other posters have said, you need to get an attorney and get a custody/visitation order in place. My ex is verbally abusive and, even though I have an RO, he still takes every opportunity to belittle me.
Why do you think he is the way he is with his son? That hurts my heart.
And yes, you know the right course here. So focus on small steps and get it done. You got this.
I was only 18 when I had my son... I was young and dumb... my parents didn't like my KF, so I didn't allow him in the room when my son was born. He went to prision when our son was a month old, and I did take him to see him at least 1 time every month but he never got that dad feeling with him.... it is sad and it makes my heart hurts for him but at the same time, my dad is such a blessing to us so I am greatful my son has my dad to look up to.
Sadly, that all makes sense. Maybe you guys could see a family child therapist and get so,e recommendations on building the relationship. Again, good luck.
I called and got my son set up for an appointment next week Thursday. I know he is going to be hesitant to talk because his dad has instilled so much fear in him, but I know in the long run this will help him. Thanks everyone for your advice.
I called and got my son set up for an appointment next week Thursday. I know he is going to be hesitant to talk because his dad has instilled so much fear in him, but I know in the long run this will help him. Thanks everyone for your advice.
You shouldn't be in a relationship right now. You just got out of a violent 12 year relationship. I'm sure there's all kinds of self-esteem issues and I'm sure both of your kids need a lot of emotional support right now. Your sole focus should be regaining your self-esteem and helping your kids. I can't imagine what having an abusive, violent felon for a father has done to them.
You need to go through the courts and get a custody arrangement in place. Frankly, your ex sounds scary and I would think a restraining order might be more useful than a custody arrangement. Someone who's been to prison and is violent does not sound like someone who should be alone with children.
Post by stephreloaded on Jul 7, 2014 14:40:07 GMT -5
This post has a lot of mess in it and all kinds of wrong.
Your attitude about introducing your kids early is really alarming. I thought you would justify it by something like we knew it was serious or something to that extent, which would not make it OK anyway but you just went ahead with a "you don't know my lyfe" type of answer which makes me question whether you are ready for a relationship.
Also, what makes you think that you ex is above any custody order? I think that would make your life easier.
This post has a lot of mess in it and all kinds of wrong.
Your attitude about introducing your kids early is really alarming. I thought you would justify it by something like we knew it was serious or something to that extent, which would not make it OK anyway but you just went ahead with a "you don't know my lyfe" type of answer which makes me question whether you are ready for a relationship.
Also, what makes you think that you ex is above any custody order? I think that would make your life easier.
ITA...the 'I do what I want' is really selfish and not at all focused on what's best for the kids. Get yourself straight and then worry about some dude.
This post has a lot of mess in it and all kinds of wrong.
Your attitude about introducing your kids early is really alarming. I thought you would justify it by something like we knew it was serious or something to that extent, which would not make it OK anyway but you just went ahead with a "you don't know my lyfe" type of answer which makes me question whether you are ready for a relationship.
Also, what makes you think that you ex is above any custody order? I think that would make your life easier.
ITA...the 'I do what I want' is really selfish and not at all focused on what's best for the kids. Get yourself straight and then worry about some dude.
I am glad you are getting your son into counseling, but are you in counseling? If not, you need to be there before you get into a relationship. KF just moved out in March and you've got a BF already? That is way too soon.
Please get an attorney and make sure you and the kids are protected. By both a custody agreement and a TRO.
I had a feeling this is how this would go and I won't delete because people aren't being nice about it.... but my life has been messed up... and yes it is quick to get in a relationship, but it is serious, I don't remember saying you don't know my life, I said this is my life, this is what I chose to do, I am not introducing them to all different men. BUT i haven't been in a relationship with my KF in over 5 years (yes I sure did have a baby though and I don't regret that choice for one minute). I guess I don't need to explain all this but even though he just moved out, I have been emotionally removed from it all for WELL over a year and a half. I am starting therapy myself. And FTR my KF went to jail when he was 17, for something that was not a violent or physical crime, I am not saying that he is a good person but to the person that makes it seem like my kids are not safe with him, he has NEVER done anything violent to them.
I had a feeling this is how this would go and I won't delete because people aren't being nice about it.... but my life has been messed up... and yes it is quick to get in a relationship, but it is serious, I don't remember saying you don't know my life, I said this is my life, this is what I chose to do, I am not introducing them to all different men. BUT i haven't been in a relationship with my KF in over 5 years (yes I sure did have a baby though and I don't regret that choice for one minute). I guess I don't need to explain all this but even though he just moved out, I have been emotionally removed from it all for WELL over a year and a half. I am starting therapy myself. And FTR my KF went to jail when he was 17, for something that was not a violent or physical crime, I am not saying that he is a good person but to the person that makes it seem like my kids are not safe with him, he has NEVER done anything violent to them.
How can it be serious after 6 weeks? Really?
You may not have been IN a relationship in 5 years, but you've been living with the guy and had his baby so come on. At least be honest with yourself here.
If he went to PRISON, which is what you said it was, he did something a little more serious than steal a pack of gum. Your timeline is jacked up and if you can't see how this is harmful for YOUR KIDS, that's sad.
But that is beside the point, even you admit that he was abusive and angry toward you. That is not something you just get over in a couple months--regardless of how emotionally removed you are from the relationship.
I had a feeling this is how this would go and I won't delete because people aren't being nice about it.... but my life has been messed up... and yes it is quick to get in a relationship, but it is serious, I don't remember saying you don't know my life, I said this is my life, this is what I chose to do, I am not introducing them to all different men. BUT i haven't been in a relationship with my KF in over 5 years (yes I sure did have a baby though and I don't regret that choice for one minute). I guess I don't need to explain all this but even though he just moved out, I have been emotionally removed from it all for WELL over a year and a half. I am starting therapy myself. And FTR my KF went to jail when he was 17, for something that was not a violent or physical crime, I am not saying that he is a good person but to the person that makes it seem like my kids are not safe with him, he has NEVER done anything violent to them.
How can it be serious after 6 weeks? Really?
You may not have been IN a relationship in 5 years, but you've been living with the guy and had his baby so come on. At least be honest with yourself here.
The crazy part is I am being totally honest, this is how crazy messed up I had let my life get. We weren't living together when I got pregnant....and even though he moved in we still were not in a relationship. We just lived in the same house. I guess I should just stop explaining since this is now becoming more of a bash me and the choices I am making. It's ok though, I know I have made some messed up choices in my past, I am focusing on my furture and my kids' future now. That is all I can do. If I keep dwelling on my past mistakes I made with KF then I will not be able to progress in my life. I do have a good head on my shoulders even though it was fogged up for a while.
You may not have been IN a relationship in 5 years, but you've been living with the guy and had his baby so come on. At least be honest with yourself here.
The crazy part is I am being totally honest, this is how crazy messed up I had let my life get. We weren't living together when I got pregnant....and even though he moved in we still were not in a relationship. We just lived in the same house. I guess I should just stop explaining since this is now becoming more of a bash me and the choices I am making. It's ok though, I know I have made some messed up choices in my past, I am focusing on my furture and my kids' future now. That is all I can do. If I keep dwelling on my past mistakes I made with KF then I will not be able to progress in my life. I do have a good head on my shoulders even though it was fogged up for a while.
I doubt this, considering your posts from this winter describe him as your FI. Like, in February.