Deciding to find out sex (or not)

[shortstax]

How did you decide whether or not to find out the sex of your baby?  DH and I disagree with what we want. (He wants to find out to "prepare" while I want to be surprised because it's probably our last baby.)

I made an offhand comment that since I'm the one puking everyday, that it's my call.  I was half joking, but I realized I might be being too selfish about it. 

So, how did you decide whether to be Team Green or not? Any advice?

[Jalapeñomel]

I didn't need any more surprises in life, so we found out the sex.

[statlerwaldorf]

I figured it would be a surprise whether we found out at 20 weeks or waited until the birth. I didn't have the best birth experience with DD and was kind of out of it during delivery, so I'm glad we found out sooner.

[jr009j]

We didn't find out with DD and aren't this time either. I didn't want to find out initially because I knew I and everyone else would overbuy gendered things if we found out. Now we're easily able to reuse everything we bought with DD. You need the same things if it's a boy or girl, so I don't fully understand the preparation argument.

But there was also an emotional component of needing the surprise at the end. DH wasn't initially on board but one of his friends described the feeling of finding out when their daughter was born as the most incredible part of the birth experience. Now DH tells everyone not to find out.

[MadamePresident]

With our forest my husband wanted to know and I wanted to be surprised at birth. I told him, he could make the announcement of its a .... And everyone would be excited. That would be one of his moments. He liked that and so we aren't finding out again. It does make it easier to not go crazy buying things for one gender or the other.

[ladygrey]

We found out. Like statlerwaldorf, I figured that it would either be a surprise at the anatomy scan or in the delivery room. I was glad to have some time to adjust to the idea of having a daughter; it also helped to strengthen my bond with the baby.

[sillygoosegirl]

It sounds like he's gotten his way on the other child(ren), so that's another reason for team you.

The more I think about this topic, the more I feel like it doesn't matter. Aside from names, there's nothing we're planning to do differently for a boy vs a girl. It's not like knowing your baby's sex tells you what kind of person it will be, what it will like or dislike, what sorts of toys it should play with, what colors will look good on it, what subjects it will be good at in school, or what careers it should consider.

On the other hand, it'll be a surprise whenever you find out, though frankly, probably not exactly a big surprise. I mean, it will almost definitely be one of two things.

We're team green for this baby, baby #1. I'd prefer not to know. DH would prefer to know. If we have a second, we'll probably do as DH wants and find out... Unless he's changed his mind by then.

ETA: Also, green is my favorite color, so I basically want the so-called "gender neutral" version of everything anyway.

[badtzmaru22]

After having a m/c for my first pregnancy, I wanted to know to really help me bond with the baby. We were able to find out the sex of that baby through genetic testing, but there was a time where we didn't know if we would ever know, and I was really upset about it.

This time, we wanted to know so we could get rid of stuff if it was a boy. I had saved all DD's clothes just in case, and it's been nice being able to sell or pass things on, since we'll only have the two.

FWIW, the moment in the delivery room where I was holding DD for the first time, and a nurse asked what her name was, and I got to say it out loud, for real, was just as great as I imagine some people feel about hearing, "It's a...!!!" I am tearing up just thinking about that moment now.

[jackie011]

I was fine either way. DH really wanted to find out. We originally took the Materniti21 test, which reveals the chromosomes. We were going to find out around 14/16 weeks. There were errors with the test (took it twice) and we never had any conclusive results. We had a standard anatomy scan at 20 weeks and learned it was a boy. It was a wonderful day and it helped me make some decisions. I'm not sure what we'll do if/when we have a second.

[rootbeerfloat]

Neither of us had any desire to be team green.

[MrsAggie]

We found out super early at my NT scan at 12.5 weeks. The MFM doctor has a really nice level 2 ultrasound machine so our little boy's stuff was obvious. For starters, I was convinced it was a girl and had even bought 2 girl outfits (on clearance) so thank goodness I didn't go the whole pregnancy thinking that or pink stuff might have popped up. It was a very emotional and special moment. It was also shockingly humanizing for me. Like I knew I had a baby inside but finding out the sex made him a person. I don't know how exactly to describe it but it took my bonding with him to a new level.

[chicago]

Neither of us wanted to wait, thank goodness. I'm a planner and don't like surprises, especially of that magnitude. It still felt exciting to find out during the ultrasound and we liked being able to call her by her name for the rest of the pregnancy.

[andthentherewere10]

I desperately wanted to be team green but my husband had a book going to print around 20 weeks gestation and he wanted to dedicate the book to the baby by name. It was important enough so that I conceded. I'm glad we did because it took him some time to get used to the idea of a son.

[huskymom]

We couldn't think of one good reason to find out and I knew it would save me lots of money during pregnancy

Team green both times and the delivery room surprise was so great! I also think it helped me be more excited during labor since we were dying to know at that point. I wanted gender neutral stuff anyways. My sister knew she was having a boy and got soooo much clothing at her shower too.

No regrets! I had no problems feeling connected to the baby though.

also, we had a name in mind both times and neither time did the name fit.

[fortmyersbride]

I wanted to know each time, and so did DH. I like preparing for things, lol. We found out for our first 2 at the anatomy scan, and found out for this one on the progenity genetic screening. I still think seeing each of them so far was still somewhat of a surprise (what hair and eye color will they have? Will they look 'like' one of the names we picked out?). That being said, if DH was really attached to waiting for birth to find out, I probably could have been convinced to wait.

[kangaroo11]

I didn't want to know and DH followed along. Around 30 weeks I kinda started to want to find out and he made me wait. It's a really special memory of when he said, "oh, it's a girl" after she was born.

[fortmyersbride]

Jul 13, 2014 11:47:58 GMT -5 @starry said:

Jul 13, 2014 11:44:58 GMT -5 fortmyersbride said:

I wanted to know each time, and so did DH. I like preparing for things, lol. We found out for our first 2 at the anatomy scan, and found out for this one on the progenity genetic screening. I still think seeing each of them so far was still somewhat of a surprise (what hair and eye color will they have? Will they look 'like' one of the names we picked out?). That being said, if DH was really attached to waiting for birth to find out, I probably could have been convinced to wait.

Sooo... What are you having?

Another girl!
It's a good thing I haven't started liquidating DD's outgrown tea collection dresses . Although I think I did get rid of at least the first 6 months of infant clothes. At that point I had nooo idea we'd have a third.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I don't like being surprised -- I like to be prepared for things :-)

Although, technically, it's a surprise no matter when you find out.

But also, I really have a much easier time bonding with the baby once I can refer to it as he or she instead of "it." And even by name.

[holly116]

We were team green the first two times. DH would have preferred to be team green the third time too but I needed to know so we found out. I had some PPA/PPD after my second and wanted as much prepared for as I could the third time around and it was nice to envision my second son as Andy while I was still pregnant. However, DH announcing the first two moments after they were born is such an incredible memory. It's something you and you DH have to work out, it really is great either way.

[Brie]

We found out and will do so again. It helped me bond with him and I'm glad we had 50% fewer names to argue about.

Also, I find most GN stuff ugly. Jungle motif and ducks don't do it for me. Meh.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Jul 13, 2014 11:30:46 GMT -5 @starry said:

It would bother me that people other than me (u/s tech, maybe doctors / nurses) would know and I would not.

This is another part of this issue that I find very interesting. From what I understand, the baby's sex is usually pretty obvious to the sonographer, even if she/he isn't specifically looking for it. So when you choose not to find out the sex, it's not like you're choosing to skip some sort of new and invasive procedure -- it's more like you're intentionally deciding not to look at some available information about your baby. (A friend of mine decided not to find out the sex for her third child, and she said her file at the doctor's office had "secret baby" written on it so no one would accidentally reveal to her that it was a girl.)

If someone wants to be Team Green, go for it. I just think it's interesting when people insist that they're doing it because it's more natural and people in earlier generations didn't find out -- when so much else has changed with pregnancy.

But, as I said above -- I don't like surprises and wanted the time to prepare mentally for whatever I was having. There were so many unknowns -- especially with the first baby -- that I wanted to cling to all the firm facts I could :-)

[Brie]

And I'm pretty sure we would have known with C even if we had tried not to. They put the ultrasound probe on my belly and wham, penis. It was really obvious.

[Deleted]

H wanted to find out to 'prepare', I wanted a surprise. We found out because it was important to him and I had no good reason not to other than wanting a surprise.

[matildasun]

We didn't find out either time. I never really got the "It's a ..." moment, but I am glad we didn't find out anyway. It was harder not knowing the second time.

[Velar Fricative]

As soon as the pee stick was dry I told DH I didn't want to find out until birth despite the BFP being a big surprise. He didn't care either way but he went along with it. We both loved the surprise at the end and #2 will be a delivery surprise as well.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was that if you're on the fence, you'll know what to do when you get into the exam room for the a/s. I was so sure about being Team Green but the day of the a/s, I almost caved. The whole day I just kept going back and forth about whether to find out, including in the waiting room. Ultimately, this advice was so true - the moment I walked into the exam room, I didn't want to find out. So maybe wait until the a/s to decide? Can't see how far along you are but that will buy you some time to decide at least.

[hermione]

There was no way I could not find out. I have far too much of a need to be in control for that nonsense.

[ssmjlm]

It was never a question. We are planners and wanted to know.

[catsarecute]

General impatience. No way I was waiting 40 weeks to find out. More power to those that can but for me, I HAD to know ASAP.

[teatimefor2]

We have done it both ways. With DS we could out and it was just easier, we were overseas, wanted to buy stuff in America, etc.

Now we are team green, we don't care either way and the baby will sleep in our room for the first 5/6 months so we gave time to do a nursery. All our big I teams are gender neutral anyways. We are in the fence about a third and we would like to find out in the delivery room. They say (general they) that it's the last great surprise and I would love to have DS tell me It's a xxxx as we meet our child.

[sh10]

Jul 13, 2014 12:32:47 GMT -5 @starry said:

I do find the anecdotal overlap between not finding out and preferring a med-free childbirth to be interesting.

Interesting. In the last year in my circles outside the boards a lot of people are team green (well five, which seems like a lot to me). Two had med free births, one did not, another is planning to get an epi, and another is not. I guess the med free, planned and occurred, is probably high considering my nurse told me 90% at our hospital get an epi.

OP, we did not find out. My DH really didn't want to find out any my cousin encouraged it, she found out for her third and said it wasn't as exciting as her first two. We got a few clothes before he was born and like Brie said I also hate GN stuff. They were all worn once or were his backup clothes. I hate ducks. That's all we got. People did and a ton of clothes after he was born, I'm not sure if they would have done that if we found out beforehand.