Post by emilyinchile on Jul 15, 2014 14:18:04 GMT -5
Actually blocking someone isn't the same as just hiding your updates or restricting what they see while they remain your friend.. I think some people are confusing the two.
I only skimmed the second half of your post and didn't read the responses but as you know, although you and I have had different paths in our grief, I have been there.
I strongly, firmly, 100% have a policy that anyone who is not happy for me, and who cannot move forward WITH ME, is not welcome in my life. It is that simple. There is nothing else to it. Anyone who ASSOCIATES with anyone who is not happy for me and tells me what that person says is also out. There are days that are just so painful, it's all I can do to get myself through it, and I can't carry anyone else's grief. Avoiding blaming myself is like constantly swimming upstream and I don't need anyone pushing me in the wrong direction.
Suicide is only ever the fault of the person who did it and anyone who says otherwise is desperate in their grief. I feel for your aunt but it's not your job to take on her crazy criticism. She is out of her mind. My former MIL sent me a congratulations card when I got engaged and she's asked to see pictures etc. I'm sure it pains her but she's also happy that I'm happy and she is moving along with me, so we will continue to be close.
However, I do want to urge you to avoid posting sad things about widowhood on Facebook. My cousin in law posted those things and I'd be going about my day totally happy and it would be like a punch in my stomach, and it would make me spiral into a dark place that was hard to shake. When you do that it makes it that much harder for everyone who loved your H to make it through their day.
Also, fuck anyone who judges you for buying a fucking car. Or a house. Cut them out and don't look back.
Do not say anything. Limit or entirely cut your in-laws out of facebook. They aren't your family and it seems as if you were not close and that they're toxic right now. You have no children so cutting ties shouldn't be that hard.
Possibly consider if your FB posts have been read in a way that you did not intend. I don't "do" facebook much but I don't generally see a lot of stories about loved ones that are dead on my feed except on milestone days (birthdays,annual memorial) so that might something to consider IF and ONLY IF you think you are doing this too much.
I will admit that I do/did post too much on FB in general. I work from home (as do most of my other friends in my field) and I enjoyed the convos we would have on there as a form of social interaction - like "Anyone have any good crockpot recipes?" and "XYZ Town neighbors, why did trash not get picked up today?"
I would share things about my DH on an especially sad day or if I saw something that really reminded me of him. Not too often, but maybe too often for some ppl. Maybe oversharing.
I actually, in the past 2 months, created a widow blog to put my feelings on to move from FB. I won't be writing in it now because I'm afraid they will find it and it isn't a "safe space" for me anymore.
I'm so sorry. If you need the closure, then respond as you see fit. Unfortunatly, nothing you say will change their wrong behavior. You are doing a tremendous job dealing with everything, please continue to seek the small joys in your life, like working on your house, don't allow them to rob you of that.
If you reply, this gives the Aunt and others something to respond to. It is difficult to not respond to false allegations, but at this point she's not going to believe you. She believes what she wants to believe and you can't and should NOT defend yourself. I think that this tactic drives the other person nuts, because they WANT you to feed their delusions and you don't. I would not be surprised to find that she tries other means of communication with you though.
Unfriend her, and I would cut my contact with the in-laws to a minimum. Explain to them that as this side of your DH's family has been particularly hurtful, you need to step back to get your brain in a better place. Maybe in the future you can have a relationship with them, but not now.
No one should have to go through crap like this. I'm sorry.
However, I do want to urge you to avoid posting sad things about widowhood on Facebook. My cousin in law posted those things and I'd be going about my day totally happy and it would be like a punch in my stomach, and it would make me spiral into a dark place that was hard to shake. When you do that it makes it that much harder for everyone who loved your H to make it through their day.
I agree with you that for me, FB isn't a place for stuff like that, but I think it's pretty BS to tell someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do because of how it might affect you. I think kwynn should post whatever she wants on her own FB page, and if it bothers someone for any reason then that person can hide/unfriend/block.
Actually blocking someone isn't the same as just hiding your updates or restricting what they see while they remain your friend.. I think some people are confusing the two.
Which may be me.
But when I see people say that they are blocking someone instead of defriending them, I take it that they are just hiding their posts from that person. They don't want to be "mean" and take the final step of defriending. KWIM?
If they truly want to BLOCK where they can't even find you on FB at all.... yes, that's worse than defriending.
Move on - don't let them bring you down. I would ask your sister not to fight your battles and to not put herself in the middle. I understand she means well - but you can see how things get out of hand.
These people are not good for your mental well being.
I would not even respond. If you feel inclined in a few months to send a Christmas card, send one to your ILs. As you move on and heal it will only make things worse, in their mind, from the sound of this. I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need as a grieving widow.
From what I have seen you share here, everything she has written is patently untrue. These do not sound like healthy people who have processed his death, as tragic as it came about. Personally, I would sever all ties with them. There are no children to worry about losing their grandparents, etc. It would hurt for awhile, because, like you said, you thought they were family. But sometimes, people don't really understand what it is to be family and have to be cut out to maintain a healthy life.
However, I do want to urge you to avoid posting sad things about widowhood on Facebook. My cousin in law posted those things and I'd be going about my day totally happy and it would be like a punch in my stomach, and it would make me spiral into a dark place that was hard to shake. When you do that it makes it that much harder for everyone who loved your H to make it through their day.
I agree with you that for me, FB isn't a place for stuff like that, but I think it's pretty BS to tell someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do because of how it might affect you. I think kwynn should post whatever she wants on her own FB page, and if it bothers someone for any reason then that person can hide/unfriend/block.
I can see it both ways...it's hard to find the balance there, just as it is hard to find the balance between remembering him and moving on.
I decided to move my thoughts to a blog because I thought maybe it was getting a little too sad/doom and gloom, especially on certain days/certain times of the year. So ppl going to the blog would actively be seeking it out...but I don't know, I don't want to write in it anymore because I don't have a thick enough skin for opening myself up to criticism that way.
I love writing - it's what I would do for a living if I had more skill in it. I guess it is a hobby of mine.
I have friends that do post a lot about ppl that have passed and I don't mind it - but I'm very open with that stuff now, versus before I would have felt awkward reading it.
However, I do want to urge you to avoid posting sad things about widowhood on Facebook. My cousin in law posted those things and I'd be going about my day totally happy and it would be like a punch in my stomach, and it would make me spiral into a dark place that was hard to shake. When you do that it makes it that much harder for everyone who loved your H to make it through their day.
Also, fuck anyone who judges you for buying a fucking car. Or a house. Cut them out and don't look back.
I have to disagree. Losses and tragedies of all types shouldn't be taboo to talk about if that's how a person copes. For me I post about my losses often. It's how I cope and how I remember them (in a good way). I get that talking about losses be it spousal or children is awkward for people to look at. But sometimes those posts are for the posters healing process, sometimes its as a way to reach out to others who may be going through the same thing but are afraid to speak up. People should be able to post what they feel without having to worry about it possibly making someone else awkward. To me that's the readers issue over the posters. I ralley behind women who experience a loss and I support them and let them know they're loved on their fb if they post things like that. It's lonely especially when it comes to taboo topics. OP do whatever you need to do. Please don't feel like you post too much, because in the moment you did what felt good to you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. i can guarantee you those in your life who love and care for you appreciate seeing how you're doing. I know for me I worry about someone who's gone silent more than someone who is letting me in on how they are. Do what feels right to you.
Move on - don't let them bring you down. I would ask your sister not to fight your battles and to not put herself in the middle. I understand she means well - but you can see how things get out of hand.
These people are not good for your mental well being.
I know about my sister (and heck, my MIL's sister is the aunt)- so if all these sisters just didn't jump in the mix, things would be more or less fine. Once hurtful things are said, they can never be taken back.
I told my sister not to respond. She did anyway and she knows I am not happy about that but I can't control her actions. She wants to respond again and I have told her not to, but if she does, I don't want to hear anything else about it as I can't stand any more hurtful things.
Post by emilyinchile on Jul 15, 2014 14:32:57 GMT -5
kwynn, it sounds like maybe your blog could still be positive just as a private journal for you? FWIW, I think you should post what you want wherever you want, but unfortunately it's clear that not everyone in your life agrees.
I don't want to go off on spearmintleaf because I know she has also had a relatively recent loss (ETA: and I'm in my own little funk that is probably making my reaction a bit over the top), but this attitude that you should grieve the way others expect you to just pisses me off. Yes, it really hurts when you're grieving and have something sprung on you that just overwhelms you with sadness, but we live in a world full of other people who are for the most part just doing their best, so let's find some fucking empathy instead of making each other feel even worse.
I am so sorry that his family is making you feel so terrible. His aunt is way out of line. From the little you've shared here, IMO you have dealt with everything with such strength and grace--don't let one hateful person tear that down.
I think it's reasonable to send Aunt the email you described. And do email it, don't respond publicly via FB. Then I agree with PPs; cut all ties with the aunt and possibly with his whole side of the family. It sounds like they are still trying to find an answer about why he did this and you are the easiest target/explanation for them to latch on to. You don't need people like that in your life.
You are a good person. Hang in there.
I agree with all of this.
On a lesser scale, my SIL said some incredibly hurtful, mean things to me about an hour after we buried my dad, making our family's loss all about her. I cut her out of my life and haven't looked back. Toxic people deserve whatever they get.
ETA: I made sure I said my piece before cutting her off. I didn't want the slightest possibility of her interpreting my silence as "See, you can't even respond because you know I'm right nyah nyah nyah!"
Post by shopgirl07 on Jul 15, 2014 14:42:23 GMT -5
Get rid off these people. THEY ARE TOXIC. I repeat, THEY ARE TOXIC. Defriend on FB and just erase them from your life.
Life is for living. You should fix up your house and do whatever else it is that makes you happy. Also, you have every right to spend that life insurance money if you want. Every last dime. You do not need to justify what you do or don't do with that money.
Do you understand how cruel they all are? Outlining every one of your perceived "faults"? They are mean, mean bullies. Nobody is perfect, but they're making you out to be a monster. Good god, please, erase them from your life and don't give a second thought about the mean (and untrue) things they've said.
I agree with you that for me, FB isn't a place for stuff like that, but I think it's pretty BS to tell someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do because of how it might affect you. I think kwynn should post whatever she wants on her own FB page, and if it bothers someone for any reason then that person can hide/unfriend/block.
Seriously. No one else should be telling anyone how they should be grieveing.
kwynn, do what you need to do. Post what you need to post. Check in with a therapist if you're not already, if you feel the need.
Hugs.
I've been through two therapists - one I lost when I moved (but he was my fave because he knew me from before my husband passed for my anxiety issues so it was great that he knew how I used to be) and one because the grief program I was in ended.
I have to start over again and find someone new. I've been procrastinating doing it because I absolutely hate going into everything all over again - that's the worst part is telling everything all over again.
I've been through two therapists - one I lost when I moved (but he was my fave because he knew me from before my husband passed for my anxiety issues so it was great that he knew how I used to be) and one because the grief program I was in ended.
I have to start over again and find someone new. I've been procrastinating doing it because I absolutely hate going into everything all over again - that's the worst part is telling everything all over again.
Hugs. I can totally see how it would be difficult to start over again. Does your old therapist offer skype sessions? I know some do, especially for clients that have moved away.
I feel like he was old school and not too tech-savvy But it's worth asking.
JFC. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this kwynn.
This is so incredibly cruel and toxic of them. I would absolutely cut them out of my life.Don't respond to the email and don't contact them again. Don't read any further incoming emails from them.
Can your old therapist do phone therapy? My mom did this after she moved and she thought it was helpful to not have to repeat everything to a new person.
Post by Willis Jackson on Jul 15, 2014 14:54:46 GMT -5
OMG, kwynn. I just can't believe that people would say things like this to a widow. It's awful.
I think you need to cut them out of your life. There's really no reason to maintain contact. I predict that they will eventually realize how cruel they've been and will have to live with that guilt for the rest of their lives.
The money and house comments just kill me. We all know how hard you and your husband worked and he would be so, so proud of you right now. You know that.
Post by orangeblossom on Jul 15, 2014 15:01:30 GMT -5
Screw the lot of them, especially the aunt.
Honestly, it sounds like the aunt is the one trying to drum up sympathy for her, in saying what you should and shouldn't post. Maybe in an warped sense, she feels like you should be grieving like she did as a widow. Who knows, and truly, who cares, she's a mean and sad person who doesn't have a place in your life.
I've read posts from others on good days where it ruined my mood, and on days where I was barely holding it together and it sparked a full-blown breakdown because the magnitude of my pain plus everyone else's just felt like more than I could ever possibly be expected to bear. The pain of losing a loved one to suicide is shocking in its breadth, in its depth, and in its unrelenting agony. Knowing this, I choose to unload on people who were peripherally affected because they can handle it. I put on a brave face for his family because I know how much they are hurting. They feel the same way that I do. They feel like their pain is mountains larger than they could ever be expected to bear, and they cant handle my pain too. My point to Kwynn was that she may be accidentally having some impact on others without knowing it.
You are free to disagree with me but if you could find the decency not to flame me on such a sensitive topic, that would be fanfuckingtastic.
I've read posts from others on good days where it ruined my mood, and on days where I was barely holding it together and it sparked a full-blown breakdown because the magnitude of my pain plus everyone else's just felt like more than I could ever possibly be expected to bear. The pain of losing a loved one to suicide is shocking in its breadth, in its depth, and in its unrelenting agony. Knowing this, I choose to unload on people who were peripherally affected because they can handle it. I put on a brave face for his family because I know how much they are hurting. They feel the same way that I do. They feel like their pain is mountains larger than they could ever be expected to bear, and they cant handle my pain too. My point to Kwynn was that she may be accidentally having some impact on others without knowing it.
You are free to disagree with me but if you could find the decency not to flame me on such a sensitive topic, that would be fanfuckingtastic.
I'm sorry for your loss, truly I am. But if you know that this type of thing is an emotional trigger for you, you should and well within your rights hide those people who make you sad and bring out this tragic time for you. That is what I had to do. Actually deleted FB all together to give me time away from the unexpected triggers.
We can't expect everyone to walk on eggshells around us because of our life tragedies, direct contact most certainly but a general forum like FB where it's not necessarily directed at you, no not really. It's I feel up to us to make sure we hide who we need to hide to help us with our grieving processes, and shout what we need to shout in cases of people who cope better by getting it out. I think many were posting in disagreement more at your notion that she shouldn't be posting on FB based on how you are grieving and coping less on how maybe this is just how she's coping with her loss in her own way. It just seemed dismissive of that. Again sorry for your loss and sorry if my post in particular hit you the wrong way, not my intention.