How to tell someone they hurt you deeply - or don't bother?

[kwynn]

*poof* Thank you all.

[rbp]

Jul 15, 2014 13:50:14 GMT -5 kwynn said:

My inlaws feel I haven't cared about their grief from losing a son enough

Haven't finished reading your entire post, but WTF. You lost your husband. They can look for coddling elsewhere IMO. (I am very sorry for their loss, but it's not even a little bit your job to sit there and feel sorry for them.)

[Deleted]

I would write your husband's whole family off, honestly. You didn't have children with him that I can see you having *some* obligation of having your kid(s) see their grandparents, great aunts/uncles, cousins. You didn't own a home together. You don't owe them anything, IMO, especially not a relationship when they're treating and have treated you poorly.

I'm sorry kwynn.

[hbomdiggity]

I think you should post the name an address so mm can post mean things on their fb pages.

Only halfway kidding.

I mean WTF.

Defriend and block these people. From FB and your life.

[lurknomore]

I admire everything you've done over the last couple of years to move on and make a life for yourself. You may not want to hear this but maybe it is time to unfriend, or at least block, your H's family and move on. While I know some widows who have continuing relationships with their ILs, I'm not sure that is achievable here in a way that keeps you sane and healthy. MIL/FIL like to hear stories about their son on your FB. Aunt doesn't. You are never going to win with them and keep all of them happy. Just like you, they are grieving their son/nephew every day, and clearly they have warped that grief into an alternate reality with you as the bad guy. There is nothing you can say or do to unhear their comments and their version of the events. Time to move on and focus on yourself, your grief and your ability to move forward with your life. Time to stop caring what they think and how they perceive you. Take care of, and protect, yourself. GL!

[Pom]

Well, I think they are sick-fucks for making you feel this way. I get that grief makes people lash out, but this is unacceptable. Personally, I would cut them out of my life.

If you feel that it will give closure for you to this matter, what you wrote is fine. Especially if you want to maintain a relationship with these people.

For you, from me: You keep living your life. Your husband's death is no reflection on you. Fix your house, enjoy yourself. No one should take that from you.

[ssmjlm]

I would take a break from his family. It sounds like they are not dealing with their grief and are looking for someone to blame and you're an easy target.

I'm so sorry.

[kwynn]

Jul 15, 2014 13:57:13 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

I think you should post the name an address so mm can post mean things on their fb pages.

Only halfway kidding.

I mean WTF.

Defriend and block these people. From FB and your life.

After the original FB message (I blocked the IL's from my page as soon as I saw it), several ppl did write on their FB pages things like "You are a C***" totally unsolicited because the original FB message was just that mean/rude/out of left field.

[emilyinchile]

This is awful, and I'm so very sorry. Please don't believe the horrible things that this woman has said to you. To take a small example (and I can DD if it's too much detail to keep up), your late husband probably did at some point say something negative but totally unimportant about you to his dad - we all do that kind of thing. It doesn't mean that there were underlying issues or that he thought that negative thing was always true, just that one a particular day he happened to be frustrated and made a comment. Don't let the twisting of a minor thing like that somehow make you doubt your memories of your relationship. Everything she's written is her problem, not something you've done.

As far as whether or not to respond, I don't think there's a right answer. Some people would need the say something like what you wrote at the end of your post. I probably would, although I think I would leave off the last sentence because I wouldn't really care about our relationship moving beyond it. But considering that she will almost certainly not change her mind and might continue to send you messages that could just keep upsetting you, it may be better to leave it and just never speak to her again.

Does your MIL know about this email?

[kwynn]

Jul 15, 2014 13:58:29 GMT -5 lurknomore said:

I admire everything you've done over the last couple of years to move on and make a life for yourself. You may not want to hear this but maybe it is time to unfriend, or at least block, your H's family and move on. While I know some widows who have continuing relationships with their ILs, I'm not sure that is achievable here in a way that keeps you sane and healthy. MIL/FIL like to hear stories about their son on your FB. Aunt doesn't. You are never going to win with them and keep all of them happy. Just like you, they are grieving their son/nephew every day, and clearly they have warped that grief into an alternate reality with you as the bad guy. There is nothing you can say or do to unhear their comments and their version of the events. Time to move on and focus on yourself, your grief and your ability to move forward with your life. Time to stop caring what they think and how they perceive you. Take care of, and protect, yourself. GL!

I did block them. I think part of this is a generational thing - they told me they hated seeing photos of someone's baby on FB during our discussion and that "Why do they have to post that everyday? Save it for Grandma." I think the whole incident started because they are not very familiar with FB and that ppl share:

"just went for a run!"
or "look at my daughter's school play!"
or "just put in the new fireplace!" or whatever - they see that as boasting/bragging.

[autumnfire]

It sounds like the relationship with his family is going to be nothing but toxic for you and your grieving process. I'm terribly sorry for your loss and all that you've gone through and are going through.

I would look to cut ties and let them let their grief lash out in whatever way they see fit. But I'd remove myself and at least my eyes and ears from the situation. I'm sorry this is how they're choosing to grieve. That they are being angry with you instead of being angry at the entire situation involving his passing.

I would also look to delete or limit all of his families visibility of you. It seems like they are almost obsessing over your life. You can't just sit at home and do nothing, if you did the grief would likely just eat you up. You are doing what you feel and know your husband would have wanted you to do, that's to be happy. Please don't let that seed of doubt grow with regards to his care for you. You knew him best and they're just trying to grasp onto anything negative right now that they can.

Your IL's need to understand that it's different for you both. You do not owe it to them to do anything other than be happy and try with the cards you were dealt to live life how your late H would have wanted you to.

Iknow it's likely far easier said then done to remove yourself from them but regardless of if you remain in contact with them or not they will continue to talk, continue to scrutinize. Actually you cutting contact may not only be the thing you need but may also be something they need to help in their grieving process. Perhaps they need to stop obsessing and seeing your life wondering where DH would be doing with you if he was still there. They need a release from this rut their in and you need to be released from their toxic grip and words.

Big hugs, again I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

Jul 15, 2014 13:53:42 GMT -5 rbp said:

Jul 15, 2014 13:50:14 GMT -5 kwynn said:

My inlaws feel I haven't cared about their grief from losing a son enough

Haven't finished reading your entire post, but WTF. You lost your husband. They can look for coddling elsewhere IMO. (I am very sorry for their loss, but it's not even a little bit your job to sit there and feel sorry for them.)

Exactly! OMG, talk about making it "mememe". My cousin's MIL was like this when my cousin's H died. Like, crying and whining over his casket when my cousin was trying to keep it together for her daughter (who is developmentally disabled, didn't fully understand what was going on, AND was awaiting a kidney transplant at the time). My cousin and her MIL had always had a strained relationship though. Now they don't have any relationship at all, and my cousin's life is a lot less stressful.

[Poppy]

JFC that is horrible horrible horrible. I would absolutely unfriend the aunt and cut all contact with her. She has issues and you cannot fix them.

As for the MIL, you need to decide what kind of relationship you can have with her. It's very nice of you to try to maintain some sort of connection but if MIL is toxic, it is not worth it. It's hard for me to tell from your post how much is MIL and how much is aunt.

And as for you, I don't see anything wrong with how you've handled anything related to your finances or your husband's passing. Do not let them make you feel guilty about this stuff, and KOKO with your renovations and rebuilding your life. Most of all, the suicide was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Such big hugs. I can't believe they would do this to you, and you DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY.

[hopenotlost]

I'm sorry about your late husband. I can't even comprehend the pain you felt, and still feel.

My husband was in an awful accident in October, and I think back to that day and what could have happened, had he been driving the car instead of the Kia Sorento (an SUV). More than likely he would have been killed (he hit a Ford F-250). My relationship with his family is hit or miss. His mom doesn't have much to do with us, and we aren't really sure why. We think it comes down to the fact that we don't "need" her like his brother and sister do (financially for both, and to help raise BIL's kids). Anyways, had DH died, honestly I don't think I would have anything to do with his mom and that part of his family. His extended family on his dad's side and his dad and step mom, I would have. They are good people.

So for me, based on what you wrote, I think I would cut them off my facebook, and simply respond with, "I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me, but I don't agree with the things you said. From now on, you will no longer have access to my facebook posts, because I will not stop living my life based on how you think or feel I should be living. We all grieve in our own ways, and me moving on with my own life doesn't mean I don't love my husband or miss him. What you wrote was incredibly hurtful, and I no longer wish to have communication with you."

I would really like to be bitch, but sometimes you just have to be nice and take the high road. you aren't bragging or showing off or anything because you are fixing up your house. You shouldn't be expected to live in a house that you aren't happy with, that you can fix up the way you want. Ridiculous.

[krystee]

Their behavior is so appallingly out of line and baseless. And CRUEL. You owe them nothing--certainly not now. I would unfriend and block all of them, and cut all contact.

You are the least materialistic person on the entire planet. They are insane and it is not healthy for you to have people like that in your life.

I am so sorry you had to hear those ugly accusations from them. Please know it is their issue and not yours.

[kwynn]

Jul 15, 2014 14:01:09 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

This is awful, and I'm so very sorry. Please don't believe the horrible things that this woman has said to you. To take a small example (and I can DD if it's too much detail to keep up), your late husband probably did at some point say something negative but totally unimportant about you to his dad - we all do that kind of thing. It doesn't mean that there were underlying issues or that he thought that negative thing was always true, just that one a particular day he happened to be frustrated and made a comment. Don't let the twisting of a minor thing like that somehow make you doubt your memories of your relationship. Everything she's written is her problem, not something you've done.

As far as whether or not to respond, I don't think there's a right answer. Some people would need the say something like what you wrote at the end of your post. I probably would, although I think I would leave off the last sentence because I wouldn't really care about our relationship moving beyond it. But considering that she will almost certainly not change her mind and might continue to send you messages that could just keep upsetting you, it may be better to leave it and just never speak to her again.

Does your MIL know about this email?

Yes, my MIL does know about the email. She did not know what was going to be written in it. She claimed (to my sister - I have been unable to even talk about it) that some of the things were untrue or that "I don't know where M is getting that from" - I think she agreed with the email on a few points. She did say that my late DH would never have confided in his dad.

But I don't know if she did say those things and is now not telling the truth - saying you wished he married my sister is pretty darn specific. (And I believe part of that because they always said my sister and my BIL should get together in a joking way - again, they do not know each other well). Or maybe MIL said those things once in anger/grief and they made their way into Aunt's opinion.

Who knows?

[ECB]

Defriend them. Screw this "blocking" shit. Defriend them. If you all work through this and get to a better place, you can always friend them again. But really - you don't HAVE to keep a relationship with these people. You really don't.

Clearly they are lashing out at you, and it may be through grief. But regardless, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT.

I don't know that I'd even reply. If you do, it would be short and simple. I like what someone wrote about - about how you disagree, you are deeply hurt, and as such, it is best for you to no longer have her (the aunt) in your life right now.

Let me clarify - at least with that aunt, be done with her . At least for now. W/ your ILs - even if they weren't quite so hateful, they clearly have opinions about what you do/don't do. Defriend them too. You can have a relationship w/ them w/o it being through FB. If FB is the problem, remove it from the equation.

But at least w/ the aunt and anyone else who was just so vile and mean - cut them out. At least until THEY can come to terms w/ their grief and realize that lashing out at you was wrong.

[raangoli]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with something like this. I think your in-laws are being selfish and discounting your grief.

I wonder if engaging people like this would even be worthwhile. They can't seem to look past their own feelings to consider someone else. I would actually have to ask myself if I wanted to maintain a relationship with these people in the first place before I responded.

[Deleted]

I don't think I'd be able to formulate a reply that wasn't basically

so I'd probably just unfriend and block without saying anything.

[ECB]

Jul 15, 2014 14:04:57 GMT -5 hopenotlost said:

So for me, based on what you wrote, I think I would cut them off my facebook, and simply respond with, "I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me, but I don't agree with the things you said. From now on, you will no longer have access to my facebook posts, because I will not stop living my life based on how you think or feel I should be living. We all grieve in our own ways, and me moving on with my own life doesn't mean I don't love my husband or miss him. What you wrote was incredibly hurtful, and I no longer wish to have communication with you."

I think this is good.

But also understand- saying ANYTHING may not "do" anything.  If anything it might fuel the fight.  Just be aware of that. 

Good luck.  I can't believe yo uhave to deal with this.

[hocus2]

Do not say anything. Limit or entirely cut your in-laws out of facebook. They aren't your family and it seems as if you were not close and that they're toxic right now. You have no children so cutting ties shouldn't be that hard.

Possibly consider if your FB posts have been read in a way that you did not intend. I don't "do" facebook much but I don't generally see a lot of stories about loved ones that are dead on my feed except on milestone days (birthdays,annual memorial) so that might something to consider IF and ONLY IF you think you are doing this too much.

[changedname]

OMG, please cut them out of your life. They are nasty people who are lashing out on you to make themselves feel better rather than seeing that you lost someone too. How terrible for you, you really don't need to hear such things about your husband. WTF.

[emilyinchile]

I guess my question now is whether you want to have a relationship with your MIL. If so, will it be possible to do that while having absolutely nothing to do with this aunt ever again? It seems like if you want to stay in touch with MIL, you might be able to control some of her problems by blocking her on FB (even though her "complaints" about the way you use the site are ludicrous), but I don't really see the benefit in maintaining contact with her if it's going to mean interactions with the aunt too.

[kwynn]

Okay, dumb question - is blocking more or less severe than unfriending? I thought "Block" would be the most severe?

I am doing both though - I already blocked a few weeks ago, now I am unfriending.

[shortstax]

(hug)

[changedname]

Jul 15, 2014 14:14:26 GMT -5 kwynn said:

Okay, dumb question - is blocking more or less severe than unfriending? I thought "Block" would be the most severe?

I am doing both though - I already blocked a few weeks ago, now I am unfriending.

Less. As far as I know, they won't know if you blocked them.

[ECB]

Jul 15, 2014 14:14:26 GMT -5 kwynn said:

Okay, dumb question - is blocking more or less severe than unfriending? I thought "Block" would be the most severe?

I am doing both though - I already blocked a few weeks ago, now I am unfriending.

To me, defriending is severing all ties to them on FB.  Blocking - they are technically still your "friend", they just can't see anything. 

[scout8]

I am so sorry. These people sound awful. I don't even have words. I would defriend them and try to keep them out of your life as much as possible.

[emilyinchile]

Blocking means the person is no longer your friend and also that they can't see anything you post or find you in a search. More severe than just unfriending.

[autumnfire]

Jul 15, 2014 14:14:26 GMT -5 kwynn said:

Okay, dumb question - is blocking more or less severe than unfriending? I thought "Block" would be the most severe?

I am doing both though - I already blocked a few weeks ago, now I am unfriending.

 Blocking ensures that they can't see ANYTHING you post. Unfriending would leave it open for them to possibly see something you post.


Unfriending = you aren't connected to my profile directly, but if your security settings allow others to find you they may still be able to send you annoying messages on fb. They'll also see any comments you make on mutual friends profiles. But they won't have direct access to your profile and your profile posts and photos.

Blocking = I'm invisible to you. You can post on anyone's profile you want and they wont see it if they're a mutual friend. Unless of course someone takes a SS and sends it to them.