Post by tripleshot on Jul 15, 2014 20:19:45 GMT -5
I just want to give you all the hugs in the world. I teared up reading your post. I agree with everyone else. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. Keep living life the way you want to and do whatever makes you happy. Fuck them. I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut it and I'd send one last email to aunt and MIL using hopenotlost 's wording. "I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me, but I don't agree with the things you said. From now on, you will no longer have access to my facebook posts, because I will not stop living my life based on how you think or feel I should be living. We all grieve in our own ways, and me moving on with my own life doesn't mean I don't love my husband or miss him. What you wrote was incredibly hurtful, and I no longer wish to have communication with you."
I am categorically opposed to the notion that just because I am related to someone, they should have open access to my life on social media. I have preemptively blocked most family members on Instagram and blocked my own mother on Twitter before she even twitted a single tweet. Most of my family is on a restricted list on FB so they don't see 95% of what I post. Honestly, in your situation, I would defriend and block them on FB for the foreseeable future until they learn how to behave like adults. What purpose does it serve to air these grievances now? It won't bring your husband back and it will only stir up bad feelings and pain and sorrow for everyone. I cannot believe they are making you feel this way. Screw them.
This makes me so angry and sad. Fuck them. Honestly, I don't think I could maintain a relationship with them. They should be happy for you and supportive of you moving forward. Buying a car or a house is an issue? What will happen someday when you are ready to date? I think we should all only surround ourselves with people who are positive influences in our lives and are happy for our happiness. If they can't be supportive or at least SENSITIVE toward you, I don't think they have a place in your life anymore.
Weirdly, I think they *want* me to date. I am not dating and yet, they have brought it up about 5x, starting with just a month or so after he died. They say things like "We know you will move on and get married again" or "You will find someone else"
I think they have been saying these things all along to mentally prepare themselves for it. I sort of wonder if they think that by me eventually dating and then remarrying, that he will again be all theirs because you can't ever replace a son the way they feel I can replace a husband (you cannot, but you know what I mean) - I feel like they would like me to move on and essentially return his memory to them, all to them.
I'm not ready to date and not sure when/if I will be. I don't believe in soulmates - just one person for you - but he was the love of my life and I knew from our first date that that was it, this was my husband - we were so much alike and he made me a better person and I have never clicked with someone so well. It is big shoes to fill and I just am not ready. I cry even thinking about meeting someone else, I still wear my rings. I'm in no rush.
I think me and my IL's, we all need some distance - unfortunately, I moved to their town about a year ago. I regret it right now and wish I could go back to Florida where they couldn't "get" to me, at least not at this level.
Something else that bothers me is, they want to start a scholarship and memorials for my DH and if I don't stay involved with them, I can't really be involved in it. And that saddens me because how will it look if his widow isn't there? Don't I support the scholarship mission, etc? (I do support it and want to be involved)
This makes me so angry and sad. Fuck them. Honestly, I don't think I could maintain a relationship with them. They should be happy for you and supportive of you moving forward. Buying a car or a house is an issue? What will happen someday when you are ready to date? I think we should all only surround ourselves with people who are positive influences in our lives and are happy for our happiness. If they can't be supportive or at least SENSITIVE toward you, I don't think they have a place in your life anymore.
Weirdly, I think they *want* me to date. I am not dating and yet, they have brought it up about 5x, starting with just a month or so after he died. They say things like "We know you will move on and get married again" or "You will find someone else"
I think they have been saying these things all along to mentally prepare themselves for it. I sort of wonder if they think that by me eventually dating and then remarrying, that he will again be all theirs because you can't ever replace a son the way they feel I can replace a husband (you cannot, but you know what I mean) - I feel like they would like me to move on and essentially return his memory to them, all to them.
I'm not ready to date and not sure when/if I will be. I don't believe in soulmates - just one person for you - but he was the love of my life and I knew from our first date that that was it, this was my husband - we were so much alike and he made me a better person and I have never clicked with someone so well. It is big shoes to fill and I just am not ready. I cry even thinking about meeting someone else, I still wear my rings. I'm in no rush.
I think me and my IL's, we all need some distance - unfortunately, I moved to their town about a year ago. I regret it right now and wish I could go back to Florida where they couldn't "get" to me, at least not at this level.
Something else that bothers me is, they want to start a scholarship and memorials for my DH and if I don't stay involved with them, I can't really be involved in it. And that saddens me because how will it look if his widow isn't there? Don't I support the scholarship mission, etc? (I do support it and want to be involved)
My IL'S family was also weirdly possessive about his memory. I got one line in his eulogy, that he met a pretty girl named Spearmintleaf and they had a dog named Spearmintdog. The rest was about him without me. They also put literally no pictures of me and him up at the funeral despite the fact that they got them all from Facebook and there were probably 50 to choose from. They wrote me right out of his life. Not before giving me the bill for the entire funeral, of course.
There are scholarships etc and I am not involved in any of them. Nobody ever asked me to be there. It never occurred to me that it might look weird... You really can't win at being widowed, can you? Maybe you should start your own and use his life insurance money for that?
ETA: The other commonality I've noticed is that as time has passed, things seem to have gotten harder for my MIL. She was more tearful last time we had dinner than in previous visits. I think that I had so much work to do initially re-building my life, and the day to day impact was so significant for me, that I got through a chunk of grieving up front. However, her day to day life didn't change initially. What she had was the slow realization that he is truly never coming back, and missing him, and watching the world go on without him over time. Watching his friends age and reach new milestones. Dealing with never having grandkids. The books I read and MixedBerryJam all said year 2 is harder for those reasons. I am not defending their actions but maybe that's part of the "why now?"
Post by barefootcontessa on Jul 15, 2014 22:05:52 GMT -5
I am really sorry kwynn for all you have been through and for how horrible these people have been to you. Lashing out at someone is never okay, no matter how grieved you are. I think you need to decide what course will be the most helpful for you. For me I would just cut communication and be done with them but it might be different for you.
Oh my goodness, Aunt is absolutely toxic and completely out of line. It is disgusting that ANYONE would ever put those hurtful words in print for another person to read. It was a lashing-out, full on attack, and Aunt should feel deep shame as a family member of your husband's and as a woman for being an unrelenting asshole instead of a supportive force for good.
I am a little sad to hear you feel the need to abandon your widow blog. It sounds like it is really helpful for you and I can only imagine the power for readers. If you are worried about identification, could you keep it totally anonymous (if not already) and not distribute the link? So only readers would likely be true internet strangers?
On the scholarship in your Hs honor....make the decision on how / whether you'd like to be involved. Share that face to face or in a call with MIL (not something she can forward electronically to Aunt.). Go from there.
Should you choose not to participate in the scholarship activities, you could certainly also find another way to honor him, and it could be a completely different charitable effort.
A friend of the family who passed unexpectedly is honored by his wife each year when she sponsors 5 inner city kids to participate in a week-long wilderness seminar put on by a charity her H (huge outdoorsman) liked.
Aunt needs a slap (and some flaming dog poo, or even dog poo in a cup), but cutting her out of your life is a good alternative.
I wish I could hug you and tell you that it's not your fault...
Aunt, clearly needs someone to blame, and you could have a defense for every single point but I don't believe she will ever hear it...she is wrong but her own defense will NEVER let her admit that. Don't try and change her mind, you will wear yourself out. But don't believe any of it either...NONE OF IT.
I think it's great you can realize that they are hurting too...but you do not and should not be the punching bag.
I really think you need to distance yourself from her. Completely. I think its time to defriend her from facebook. And all other contact.
I don't exactly hate what you planned to say in your original post, I just don't think it will get you any where, I would simply stop talking to her. They know they've hurt you, and they are too blinded by their own despair to care about you.
Please surround yourself with people who can support you, you still have a wonderful life to live