My DH wants another baby and I am 99% certain that I don't. We live far away from my family and his family doesn't help or even see our kids more than once a month even though they live 15 minutes away. My DH travels a ton and I honestly don't think I can handle a third child. I want to move back to Colorado where my parents are from ( he can do his job from anywhere). He is not interested in moving. I told him this weekend that if he moved to Colorado, I would have another child but otherwise it was off the table. He is pretty angry and feels like I am being totally unfair. I feel like they are both "sacrifices" in the sense that there is no compromise. I also feel like I could have another child with my mom nearby to help. Am I being unreasonable?
Hmmm. I don't think you are being unreasonable but I'm a little put off that yours or his family and their proximity is dictating if you'll have more. I think you're putting a lot of "pressure" on the grandparents to help. If you think another baby is too much for the two of you that's fine - I would just say that. But if you say you'll have another one if you live by your mom and you guys go through with that then you just signed your mom up for a lot. I would base your decision on what the two of you can handle and go from there.
Not wanting another child without the support of family is a very understandable thing. However I don't think the tit-for-tat thing was the best way to present it.
How old are you guys? I would just table the discussion for now if it isn't time critical because clearly you don't want a baby now.
FWIW I don't feel like you are being unreasonable. At all.
I'm 31 and he is 35. I usually try to ignore it but to be perfectly honest I would pretty much do anything to get him to move so I saw an opportunity to try to sway him but I think it backfired.
No, you're not. Part of the reason (and there are many) that we're one and done is that I don't know that I could handle 2 kids due to DHs job/schedule.
2 kids is a handful. 3 kids... I know this is totally an outsiders perspective, but the people who I know who have 3 kids - ALL of them are just so much busier, we hardly see them as much as we used to, etc. Nothing wrong with that IF that's what you want and feel you can handle.
But you don't feel you can handle it. THAT is what matters here. Your DH travels and really... that means he doesn't quite "get it", what your day to day life is, how hard it is with 2 kids, and so forth. For him to not even consider moving so that you can have help... says a lot to me.
Don't have another kid to be what you think is "fair". It's not fair, at all. He needs to really understand what this would mean for YOU.
Post by cricketwife on Jul 16, 2014 20:30:59 GMT -5
I would be a bit worried if he did decide to move to CO and you ended up having a child that you don't want. That's where you're being unfair. (to the child)
I would be a bit worried if he did decide to move to CO and you ended up having a child that you don't want. That's where you're being unfair. (to the child)
I'm reading as she is 99% certain she doesn't because she won't have the help that she needs to handle 3 kids (due to husband's traveling and lack of a "village") and if she lived by her parents then she would therefore she would be okay having a 3rd.
No, you're not. Part of the reason (and there are many) that we're one and done is that I don't know that I could handle 2 kids due to DHs job/schedule.
2 kids is a handful. 3 kids... I know this is totally an outsiders perspective, but the people who I know who have 3 kids - ALL of them are just so much busier, we hardly see them as much as we used to, etc. Nothing wrong with that IF that's what you want and feel you can handle.
But you don't feel you can handle it. THAT is what matters here. Your DH travels and really... that means he doesn't quite "get it", what your day to day life is, how hard it is with 2 kids, and so forth. For him to not even consider moving so that you can have help... says a lot to me.
Don't have another kid to be what you think is "fair". It's not fair, at all. He needs to really understand what this would mean for YOU.
This is exactly how I feel. Us moving would have minimal impact on him. We see his parents about once a month for a few hours. I get that he would miss them but he would still see them fairly often because he would travel to NY at least once a month. Being near my parents and my sister would pretty much change my life and my kids life. I was really close to my grandparents growing up and I would love for my kids to have that. It also opens up a lot more career opportunities for me. I quit my job as a NICU PA because we had no one to watch our kids during my night shifts when he was traveling. Now I am limited to an office job.
The way it was presenteda have come off badly to your H. I could see thst. But, wanting to be near family that would help with more kids I think is reasonable.
My mom was talking and planning to move out here after she got laid off last year. The plans were slowly becoming more real but not in full swing yet. As I walked out of the ultra sound where the tech told me it was twins I called her and told her she needed to get out here asap! 3 kids is really hard! I realize my situation is a little extra crazy with 3 under 2, but still. H's family doesn't help at all despite living 15 mins away. My mom would. She is on her way across country now and gets here saturday. I can't wait! So I definitely understand that perspective.
I would be a bit worried if he did decide to move to CO and you ended up having a child that you don't want. That's where you're being unfair. (to the child)
I'm reading as she is 99% certain she doesn't because she won't have the help that she needs to handle 3 kids (due to husband's traveling and lack of a "village") and if she lived by her parents then she would therefore she would be okay having a 3rd.
OP, is that not what you mean?
This is exactly what I mean. I would love to have another newborn but today is day 3 of 5 that my DH is gone this week and I am done. I am literally counting down the hours until he gets home and I can go to the store by myself.
I would be a bit worried if he did decide to move to CO and you ended up having a child that you don't want. That's where you're being unfair. (to the child)
I'm reading as she is 99% certain she doesn't because she won't have the help that she needs to handle 3 kids (due to husband's traveling and lack of a "village") and if she lived by her parents then she would therefore she would be okay having a 3rd.
OP, is that not what you mean?
She said:
to be perfectly honest I would pretty much do anything to get him to move so I saw an opportunity to try to sway him but I think it backfired
I am in rex's camp as child = bargaining chip is a shitty thing
using a child as a bargaining chip to get your h to do what you want seems pretty shitty.
I guess I didn't see it like that but it is pretty shitty to use a child as a bargaining chip. It is really the only bargaining chip I have but that doesn't make it any less shitty.
Post by matildasun on Jul 16, 2014 21:47:57 GMT -5
I don't think you are being unfair. If I remember correctly you are responsible not only for most parenting tasks but all of the housework as well. I can see why you would want outside support before having a third.
using a child as a bargaining chip to get your h to do what you want seems pretty shitty.
I guess I didn't see it like that but it is pretty shitty to use a child as a bargaining chip. It is really the only bargaining chip I have but that doesn't make it any less shitty.
It is shitty but I don't think it's that simple, either. I'm not getting the feeling that you absolutely do not want a 3rd child at all, you just don't want a 3rd child under your current circumstances. You need more help, whether that's from your parents or from your DH being home more. My DH doesn't travel much but he's a workaholic and help from family is essential for us just as back up.
Post by scribellesam on Jul 16, 2014 22:13:07 GMT -5
H and I have discussed that I'm not currently interested in having a third child unless we moved to be near family at the point the decision needs to be made, so this doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
I'd have a third child if we had more hands on help. I won't, because we don't. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love that kid, and I imagine if you had a third you wouldn't spend the next 20 years thinking of them as your ticket to CO.
Anyway, it doesn't seem likely to work, but it was worth a shot.
Post by curbsideprophet on Jul 17, 2014 5:11:16 GMT -5
I think you are being reasonable to want more help before having another baby. I think it is fine to say you do not want another one if your situation does not change. I also think it is okay to say that you be okay with a third if you lived near family who would help.
Did he grow up in the area you live now? Does he not want to live in CO or does he not want to leave home?
Post by twolittlecheers on Jul 17, 2014 6:37:45 GMT -5
Maybe this sounds harsh but I didn't have children and expect help to raise them. I think that is an issue with most people, they expect grandparents to step in and be there but that's not fair to grandparents. They already raised their children they shouldn't be expected to raise ours. That being said my Dh travels a lot too. I'm home all the time by myself and we don't have any family or friend help but that is ok. They are my children, I take responsibility for them. I think that either you want a 3rd or you don't. It sounds like you are comfortable with the 2 you already have and that your family feels complete.
No I don't think so. It sounds like the majority of the childcare would fall on you. However, moving is a huge deal and I can see why he might be resentful of you setting that particular condition. Are there any other conditions you could set that might help? Like hiring more paid help, if it's in the budget? When I had my third, I hired someone to come over to help me every day with the kids for a total of 18 hours a week. I've gotten that down to ten but I still need the help. I also have a cleaning lady to help keep the housework under control DH has always been totally understanding about it.
I don't think you can depend on the grandparents for as much help as it sounds like you would need them for. We are local to both sets of parents, and my mom has been marginally helpful, while H's family hasn't been helpful at all. I'm actually hoping to move away from them.
Maybe this sounds harsh but I didn't have children and expect help to raise them. I think that is an issue with most people, they expect grandparents to step in and be there but that's not fair to grandparents. They already raised their children they shouldn't be expected to raise ours. That being said my Dh travels a lot too. I'm home all the time by myself and we don't have any family or friend help but that is ok. They are my children, I take responsibility for them. I think that either you want a 3rd or you don't. It sounds like you are comfortable with the 2 you already have and that your family feels complete.
I'm not getting anything from the OP that she wants to be near grandparents to raise her kids. She wants to know that she has help if needed if she has a 3rd kid which will guaranteed make her life so much busier and stressful.
Some grandparents are super helpful and enjoy helping out. Having my parents and ILs be 15 minutes away has saved my ass many times. Like when our babysitter was sick and had to cancel extremely last minute when we had Sesame Street Live tickets. It was nice that I didn't have to tell my 2 year old "sorry we can't go see Elmo anymore because we don't have a babysitter for your sister anymore."
Or when I was extremely sick one week and DH was traveling. I SAH. None of my friends wanted to expose their kids to me. None of the part time nannies we have numbers for could come. My mom came over to watch my kids when I was so weak I couldn't even answer the phone and I was worried how I would feed and take care of my kids.
Its completely different to call grandparents or family members for last minute help then it is to scramble to find another paid babysitter to come within a half an hour.
ETA: A lot of my friends don't have family where we live. I try to do all I can to help, but there is only so much I can do with 2 kids of my own. There is a lot of last minute stuff that happens that makes it hard to get paid help in time and friends can only do so much. Yes that goes for family too, but some grandparents are truly helpful and it sounds like OP thinks her parents will be
I think you're putting a lot of "pressure" on the grandparents to help. If you think another baby is too much for the two of you that's fine - I would just say that. But if you say you'll have another one if you live by your mom and you guys go through with that then you just signed your mom up for a lot. I would base your decision on what the two of you can handle and go from there.
I was thinking this too. I needed daily help with my kids (3 under 4), especially in the beginning. As great as my mom is, I know she feels like she already raised her kids and loves being retired and free to do her own thing. If she lived nearby, I might rely on her as back up in case of emergencies but I would not feel comfortable asking for daily (free) help. It's one thing if your mom offers and you sense that she genuinely means it but it's a lot to ask for IMO.
Post by barefootcontessa on Jul 17, 2014 7:19:29 GMT -5
Honestly, your DH sounds like a bit of a jerk. It sounds like you are overwhelmed as it is and he is pushing for another child and at the same time refusing to consider moving just because he does not want to? No way would I have another child if my DH acted like that.
Maybe this sounds harsh but I didn't have children and expect help to raise them. I think that is an issue with most people, they expect grandparents to step in and be there but that's not fair to grandparents. They already raised their children they shouldn't be expected to raise ours. That being said my Dh travels a lot too. I'm home all the time by myself and we don't have any family or friend help but that is ok. They are my children, I take responsibility for them. I think that either you want a 3rd or you don't. It sounds like you are comfortable with the 2 you already have and that your family feels complete.
I don't necessarily "expect" people to help me raise my children, but will be perfectly honest and say that I wouldn't want to up and move somewhere new right now when I have a second one on the way. It is just too darned nice to have tons of friends where we live and know that I can ask for their help in an emergency (such as going into labor in the middle of the night and needing someone to come over and watch DD) or even in a non-emergency (drop-off play dates for DD when I will likely be an exhausted mess in the early weeks with LO # 2). So, I can see this the other way around, too. If I lived somewhere with NO support, I would really pine for moving somewhere with an extended network, whether that be friends or family.
Anyway, all of that said, I think both the topics of number of children and where you live as a family are huge and no one is "wrong" for wanting what he/she wants, as irrational as it may seem to an outsider. It takes a lot of patience and empathy to navigate these conversations with a spouse. I wish the OP lots of luck in trying to come to a happy compromise with her DH.
I usually try to ignore it but to be perfectly honest I would pretty much do anything to get him to move so I saw an opportunity to try to sway him but I think it backfired.
I think you owe your DH an apology. Bargaining like that is a super shitty thing to do.
These are 2 separate issues that need to be handled separately.
And it sounds like you're mad in general that you had to quit your job because your DH travels for his. Yet another issue that needs to be discussed.
If you need more help with the kids, or longer breaks, than tell him that flat out. I understand that you want your family to be the ones helping you, but right now you can hire a babysitter, put the kids in daycare part time, or make Saturdays your "day off" to get things done kid-free. Find a way to improve your circumstances where you are instead of just putting all your grief on your husband because he doesn't want to move.
How old are you guys? I would just table the discussion for now if it isn't time critical because clearly you don't want a baby now.
FWIW I don't feel like you are being unreasonable. At all.
I'm 31 and he is 35. I usually try to ignore it but to be perfectly honest I would pretty much do anything to get him to move so I saw an opportunity to try to sway him but I think it backfired.
why is he so against moving when he can keep his job and travels all the time anyway? why does he get the final say about moving? does he not see how hard it is to solo parent while he is away?