Also, are there ANY other "getting ready for baby" things thatyou guys can do together? As a non-mom this is a totally ignorant question, but....could you organize the nursery, double check your hospital bag (again I have NO IDEA), prep for the supplies you will need, review some books together from the library about parenting???!
All I know is from my SIL, when she was in last few days of pregnancy, her mom was all over the place with doing final preps, talking about how she got throughthe first few months, yadda yadda.
You could also ask her to cook and prep freezer meals for you that might keep her busy.
I'm with @domerjen, you ALL need a break from each other. I'd be upfront and frank about it. Express your sincere gratitude for her coming out to help out and that you all just need some space. You're in the home stretch with work and you'll need her help again in a few weeks after the baby is born. Send her away for a nice weekend/spa weekend or something as a token of your appreciation.
I think you've gotten some great suggestions. Forgive me bc I can't remember, but do you have a scheduled c section or induction? If not, I agree wholeheartedly that you and your mom need some space from each other before the baby comes. Not to make you cry but DD (my 2nd) was born at 42 weeks and still had to be evicted at that point. Be prepared to go overdue and think about your backup plan for your mom if that's the case. Sorry RBP, I know this whole situation is not how you imagined it would be - so sorry about your injury.
I think you've gotten some great suggestions. Forgive me bc I can't remember, but do you have a scheduled c section or induction? If not, I agree wholeheartedly that you and your mom need some space from each other before the baby comes. Not to make you cry but DD (my 2nd) was born at 42 weeks and still had to be evicted at that point. Be prepared to go overdue and think about your backup plan for your mom if that's the case. Sorry RBP, I know this whole situation is not how you imagined it would be - so sorry about your injury.
This totally. You're in a major hub - she can fly back in no time when you're ready. Are you planning to have her in the delivery room? If not all the more reason for her just to wait until the moment arrives!
I know. This is what my H said. I'm pretty sure that if we asked her to leave, though, my mom's and my relationship would never recover. And maybe that's what I should want--I feel like if H were posting this story, MM would be all "cut her out of your life!" But the fact is that I love her and I appreciate her, and I really regret putting her in this situation. I think I'm coming across as an entitled brat, but I am trying to do as much as I can for myself and shower my mom with appreciation and compliments. I don't like this situation either.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her this straight out? "I love you and I'm so grateful for your help. But we've got thus now." I get that it might be painful for her to hear but she's your mom and should want the best for *you.* And the best situation for you with a newborn and a PP hormone crash is less stress in your life.
How much time is your H planning to take off after the baby arrives? You'll most likely be better off after the baby comes. You can sit on the couch and nurse while your H does everything else (diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry, etc.).
I think ink you need to find a nice way of suggesting she leave.
I think you should suggest that she take some time and spend a few days with her family. Your H is off from work now, so he can help you until the baby arrives. She could come back from there in plenty of time for the baby. And I'm not sure what your birth plans are, but it might be nice that your mom has to drive in so that you and your husband can have some time in the hospital together during your labor and/or immediately after baby Peppers is born.
Your mom needs a break and so do you. Hopefully several days will allow you both to recharge.
You are 35 weeks? If you go late are you mentally prepared to have her with you for two more months? This is also very important time between you and your h. these are the last few free moments you're going to have for a very long time and personally I think it should be spent enjoying the quiet, having special dinners with your h, resting, reading whatever you want to do that can't be done easily when you have a family.
Personally I guess I'm in the camp of sending her home for a bit and figuring out how you're going to get help, sounds like it will ease up if you aren't working.
39 weeks tomorrow according to her ticker. I think there would be very different advice if there were still two months to go. Haha.
You are 35 weeks? If you go late are you mentally prepared to have her with you for two more months? This is also very important time between you and your h. these are the last few free moments you're going to have for a very long time and personally I think it should be spent enjoying the quiet, having special dinners with your h, resting, reading whatever you want to do that can't be done easily when you have a family.
Personally I guess I'm in the camp of sending her home for a bit and figuring out how you're going to get help, sounds like it will ease up if you aren't working.
39 weeks tomorrow according to her ticker. I think there would be very different advice if there were still two months to go. Haha.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her this straight out? "I love you and I'm so grateful for your help. But we've got thus now." I get that it might be painful for her to hear but she's your mom and should want the best for *you.* And the best situation for you with a newborn and a PP hormone crash is less stress in your life.
How much time is your H planning to take off after the baby arrives? You'll most likely be better off after the baby comes. You can sit on the couch and nurse while your H does everything else (diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry, etc.).
I think ink you need to find a nice way of suggesting she leave.
We do not have that sort of relationship. That's what has been causing problems. She's sweet and nurturing one moment, and crying and screaming about cheese the next. This just started this week, and while I'm not at all surprised that she's reached her breaking point (I know this situation sucks for her most of all), I don't know what to do about this. The other problem is...we don't really have the situation under control. I mean, H is perfectly happy to hire an assistant (he read a story where they're called postpartum doulas), but my mom acts really offended at any suggestion like that.
H will be taking a week off of work when the baby is born. (He is a medical fellow, and this is the longest he is able to take.) As I still won't be able to walk when the baby is born and my MIL will be back to school, I will need a lot of help--either from my mom or hired. But babies are my mom's bread and butter (seriously, she's like obsessed with her friends' grandkids), and I don't know how to tell her that we've replaced the one thing she actually wants to do with hired help without ruining our relationship.
Last night was really terrible. She wanted to sleep in our bed because H was working overnight and either the bed she is sleeping in is horribly uncomfortable (I've slept in it and don't think this is the case, but she wouldn't tell me if it were) or because she wanted to snuggle with Biscuit. I was lying there upset and crying and couldn't sleep, so I took some Benadryl and went downstairs. I just sat there and bawled for an hour. I feel trapped in my own house, and she can't have an uncomfortable conversation without yelling, crying, and/or storming out. Of course everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and she tried to act like everything was fine this morning, but I was still feeling hungover from crying all day then sleeping for five hours and couldn't muster a lot of faking. She muttered something like "maybe I just shouldn't come back on Sunday." I wanted to agree with her, but she was obviously being passive aggressive and not genuinely offering a possible solution, so I pretended like I didn't hear her. FIL graciously drove me to work this morning, and my mom will be gone for the weekend when I get home, so maybe we'll both have a chance to cool off in the meantime. My H agrees that a spa day is in the cards for next week.
Hugs for all of you, RBP. I truly think the weekend away will do wonders for the three of you and a well-timed spa day sounds perfect. Then baby will be there and all will be forgotten.
Try to just keep on keepin' on. You're doing a great job. <3
We do not have that sort of relationship. That's what has been causing problems. She's sweet and nurturing one moment, and crying and screaming about cheese the next. This just started this week, and while I'm not at all surprised that she's reached her breaking point (I know this situation sucks for her most of all), I don't know what to do about this. The other problem is...we don't really have the situation under control. I mean, H is perfectly happy to hire an assistant (he read a story where they're called postpartum doulas), but my mom acts really offended at any suggestion like that.
H will be taking a week off of work when the baby is born. (He is a medical fellow, and this is the longest he is able to take.) As I still won't be able to walk when the baby is born and my MIL will be back to school, I will need a lot of help--either from my mom or hired. But babies are my mom's bread and butter (seriously, she's like obsessed with her friends' grandkids), and I don't know how to tell her that we've replaced the one thing she actually wants to do with hired help without ruining our relationship.
Last night was really terrible. She wanted to sleep in our bed because H was working overnight and either the bed she is sleeping in is horribly uncomfortable (I've slept in it and don't think this is the case, but she wouldn't tell me if it were) or because she wanted to snuggle with Biscuit. I was lying there upset and crying and couldn't sleep, so I took some Benadryl and went downstairs. I just sat there and bawled for an hour. I feel trapped in my own house, and she can't have an uncomfortable conversation without yelling, crying, and/or storming out. Of course everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and she tried to act like everything was fine this morning, but I was still feeling hungover from crying all day then sleeping for five hours and couldn't muster a lot of faking. She muttered something like "maybe I just shouldn't come back on Sunday." I wanted to agree with her, but she was obviously being passive aggressive and not genuinely offering a possible solution, so I pretended like I didn't hear her. FIL graciously drove me to work this morning, and my mom will be gone for the weekend when I get home, so maybe we'll both have a chance to cool off in the meantime. My H agrees that a spa day is in the cards for next week.
Hugs for all of you, RBP. I truly think the weekend away will do wonders for the three of you and a well-timed spa day sounds perfect. Then baby will be there and all will be forgotten.
Try to just keep on keepin' on. You're doing a great job. <3
(hug) Thanks, otown. People keep saying that I have such a good attitude because I can put it on for brief periods of time, but they don't see me crying in the middle of the night. I feel like I'm living in Crazytown.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her this straight out? "I love you and I'm so grateful for your help. But we've got thus now." I get that it might be painful for her to hear but she's your mom and should want the best for *you.* And the best situation for you with a newborn and a PP hormone crash is less stress in your life.
How much time is your H planning to take off after the baby arrives? You'll most likely be better off after the baby comes. You can sit on the couch and nurse while your H does everything else (diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry, etc.).
I think ink you need to find a nice way of suggesting she leave.
We do not have that sort of relationship. That's what has been causing problems. She's sweet and nurturing one moment, and crying and screaming about cheese the next. This just started this week, and while I'm not at all surprised that she's reached her breaking point (I know this situation sucks for her most of all), I don't know what to do about this. The other problem is...we don't really have the situation under control. I mean, H is perfectly happy to hire an assistant (he read a story where they're called postpartum doulas), but my mom acts really offended at any suggestion like that.
H will be taking a week off of work when the baby is born. (He is a medical fellow, and this is the longest he is able to take.) As I still won't be able to walk when the baby is born and my MIL will be back to school, I will need a lot of help--either from my mom or hired. But babies are my mom's bread and butter (seriously, she's like obsessed with her friends' grandkids), and I don't know how to tell her that we've replaced the one thing she actually wants to do with hired help without ruining our relationship.
Last night was really terrible. She wanted to sleep in our bed because H was working overnight and either the bed she is sleeping in is horribly uncomfortable (I've slept in it and don't think this is the case, but she wouldn't tell me if it were) or because she wanted to snuggle with Biscuit. I was lying there upset and crying and couldn't sleep, so I took some Benadryl and went downstairs. I just sat there and bawled for an hour. I feel trapped in my own house, and she can't have an uncomfortable conversation without yelling, crying, and/or storming out. Of course everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and she tried to act like everything was fine this morning, but I was still feeling hungover from crying all day then sleeping for five hours and couldn't muster a lot of faking. She muttered something like "maybe I just shouldn't come back on Sunday." I wanted to agree with her, but she was obviously being passive aggressive and not genuinely offering a possible solution, so I pretended like I didn't hear her. FIL graciously drove me to work this morning, and my mom will be gone for the weekend when I get home, so maybe we'll both have a chance to cool off in the meantime. My H agrees that a spa day is in the cards for next week.
((((HUGS))))
You really don't need this now. Sleeping in your bed? WTF? I hope a weekend away makes everything better. But honestly the new baby is really going to complicate things.
I'm a pretty drama free person, but my mom and MIL (wonderfully nice people) were both driving me insane after both of my kids. Hormones are no joke. You need your space when trying to learn to be a Mom. It's so stressful and it's hard having someone there who would stress you out even further.
I'm sorry you're in the difficult situation. Just be honest with yourself and your H and take care of yourself.
Hugs for all of you, RBP. I truly think the weekend away will do wonders for the three of you and a well-timed spa day sounds perfect. Then baby will be there and all will be forgotten.
Try to just keep on keepin' on. You're doing a great job. <3
(hug) Thanks, otown. People keep saying that I have such a good attitude because I can put it on for brief periods of time, but they don't see me crying in the middle of the night. I feel like I'm living in Crazytown.
FWIW, my mom sounds a LOT like your mom. We didn't have to deal with the extra layer you are w/r/t the ankle, but I had several over-the-top break-downs re: her antics in the days after A was born. So please don't feel you are alone in Crazytown; we've all been there.
I know that she's going to drive me crazy when the baby comes. I just don't know what other options I have.
Deep breaths. I presume that your H will be off with you from the time the baby comes until your ortho apt at least. Hopefully you will get permission to bear weight, and then you won't need as much help from your mom (or H) getting around. I think that will certainly help. And you won't be having to drive into work at that time, so that won't be an issue.
Hang in there. And let me know if there is anything that I can do. I'm happy to help.
(hugs) I don't think just "sending her home" is the answer. It seems ungrateful at a minimum and she is likely to feel very, very used. It seems she is a bit fried, tends to be dramatic anyway, and I am guessing she lacks a self-awareness of how her emotions affect others. Can you arrange an hour or so alone (without DH) to have lunch or tea or something and tell her how you feel? With an emphasis on you are concerned for her welfare as well? If she's not at all receptive to that kind of conversation, then yeah, I would suggest that going home now is the best course of action. GOOD LUCK!
(hugs) I don't think just "sending her home" is the answer. It seems ungrateful at a minimum and she is likely to feel very, very used. It seems she is a bit fried, tends to be dramatic anyway, and I am guessing she lacks a self-awareness of how her emotions affect others. Can you arrange an hour or so alone (without DH) to have lunch or tea or something and tell her how you feel? With an emphasis on you are concerned for her welfare as well? If she's not at all receptive to that kind of conversation, then yeah, I would suggest that going home now is the best course of action. GOOD LUCK!
Yes, this is so spot-on. I love her so much but just don't know how to deal with her as an adult. I am nervous for a talk like this as I don't know how she'll take it, but it needs to be done. Thank you so much for the input.
(hugs) I don't think just "sending her home" is the answer. It seems ungrateful at a minimum and she is likely to feel very, very used. It seems she is a bit fried, tends to be dramatic anyway, and I am guessing she lacks a self-awareness of how her emotions affect others. Can you arrange an hour or so alone (without DH) to have lunch or tea or something and tell her how you feel? With an emphasis on you are concerned for her welfare as well? If she's not at all receptive to that kind of conversation, then yeah, I would suggest that going home now is the best course of action. GOOD LUCK!
Yes, this is so spot-on. I love her so much but just don't know how to deal with her as an adult. I am nervous for a talk like this as I don't know how she'll take it, but it needs to be done. Thank you so much for the input.
No doubt you are nervous. I am nervous for you! These heart to hearts never really worked with my mom, to be honest. She was pretty awesome in general but when she was upset...watch out. And apologies were also not in her wheelhouse. So, I just did the walk on eggshells thing and pretended like things were okay until it blew over most of the time. It really is hard when you start to do the role reversal thing. There's no good roadmap.
I don't know... you keep saying you don't have the kind of relationship that you can talk to her, and to make her leave would end your relationship, etc. That's a LOT of eggshell walking for you AND DH. She has complete and total control over everything. And I get it- it's hard.
But it's not fair. Hire help. She gets upset? Tell her (nicely but factually) that she's clearly stressed and needs a break. As you are too. Admit your own role in this - you are BOTH getting upset over silly things. you BOTH need relief.
Can you hire an assistant to help you when the baby is born? And to help with dishes, laundry, etc?
I suspect your mom is just planning on holding the baby a lot which is fine, but I doubt tremendously helpful.
I totally feel for you in this situation. It's tough to deal with other people's expectations when you already have a lot if stress and feelings yourself.
I think you may just need to continually tell yourself she'll only be there two weeks and then you'll have the baby the rest of his life.
Ok, the bed thing is too much. If you can't shut that down, it seems like your lack of a backbone is contributing to the shitty situation.
Buck up, set some boundaries. You need to put your family first.
Fair enough. I guess I feel like I'm not in a position to stand up for myself since she's done so much for me. I guess this attitude isn't going to serve me well.
Is a hotel really not an option? It seems like a compromise between go home and being in your home 24/7. She could still drive you to work, come by for dinner, etc, but at night everyone can do their own thing. I know her feelings will most likely still get hurt, but maybe with some space after the weekend apart, she'll be more open to it. I would phrase it along the lines of "hey mom, we really appreciate everything you have done, but I am managing a bit better. I know we still need your help and with the baby on the way, we'd like you to be close by. We found a great deal at a hotel nearby, and think it would offer us all some needed space while still having you here."
Yeah, I get that this is a tough situation. But just because your mom gets upset about something (you driving yourself to work, you hiring help) doesn't mean you don't do it. She will eventually calm down. I think that would go a long way towards you not feeling trapped in your own house.
I feel your pain somewhat because I couldn't live with my mom for more than a few days without killing her. But anytime she freaks out about my decisions I just go about my business. If I play into her emotions, they get bigger and last longer than if I ignore it or just tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not changing my mind.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her this straight out? "I love you and I'm so grateful for your help. But we've got thus now." I get that it might be painful for her to hear but she's your mom and should want the best for *you.* And the best situation for you with a newborn and a PP hormone crash is less stress in your life.
How much time is your H planning to take off after the baby arrives? You'll most likely be better off after the baby comes. You can sit on the couch and nurse while your H does everything else (diaper changes, clothing changes, laundry, etc.).
I think ink you need to find a nice way of suggesting she leave.
We do not have that sort of relationship. That's what has been causing problems. She's sweet and nurturing one moment, and crying and screaming about cheese the next. This just started this week, and while I'm not at all surprised that she's reached her breaking point (I know this situation sucks for her most of all), I don't know what to do about this. The other problem is...we don't really have the situation under control. I mean, H is perfectly happy to hire an assistant (he read a story where they're called postpartum doulas), but my mom acts really offended at any suggestion like that.
H will be taking a week off of work when the baby is born. (He is a medical fellow, and this is the longest he is able to take.) As I still won't be able to walk when the baby is born and my MIL will be back to school, I will need a lot of help--either from my mom or hired. But babies are my mom's bread and butter (seriously, she's like obsessed with her friends' grandkids), and I don't know how to tell her that we've replaced the one thing she actually wants to do with hired help without ruining our relationship.
Last night was really terrible. She wanted to sleep in our bed because H was working overnight and either the bed she is sleeping in is horribly uncomfortable (I've slept in it and don't think this is the case, but she wouldn't tell me if it were) or because she wanted to snuggle with Biscuit. I was lying there upset and crying and couldn't sleep, so I took some Benadryl and went downstairs. I just sat there and bawled for an hour. I feel trapped in my own house, and she can't have an uncomfortable conversation without yelling, crying, and/or storming out. Of course everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and she tried to act like everything was fine this morning, but I was still feeling hungover from crying all day then sleeping for five hours and couldn't muster a lot of faking. She muttered something like "maybe I just shouldn't come back on Sunday." I wanted to agree with her, but she was obviously being passive aggressive and not genuinely offering a possible solution, so I pretended like I didn't hear her. FIL graciously drove me to work this morning, and my mom will be gone for the weekend when I get home, so maybe we'll both have a chance to cool off in the meantime. My H agrees that a spa day is in the cards for next week.
Ugh. I'm so sorry she's putting you in this position. The last thing a woman 9 months pg. (with a broken ankle no less!) needs is more emotional stress. Hopefully the baby will act as a kind of mechanism to focus her attention away from you guys and calm her down. Big hugs. You're being a lot more patient and understanding g than many daughters would be!
I know that she's going to drive me crazy when the baby comes. I just don't know what other options I have.
I think you need to really keep this in mind. I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, keeping that situation, and then adding a baby to the mix. Especially when you're first time parents and aren't sure what it will be like to have a newborn/how you'll handle it/what your baby will be like, etc. hugs to you, I don't have any advice, but take care of yourself.
Maybe I do need to get back to my therapist. I've canceled two appointments since I fell because I don't really want someone to drive me to the therapist, but I might need to get over this hangup.
My H's outlook is something like "so what if she's upset about XXX. Just let it be." But I don't know how to do this.
Post by Ashley&Scott on Jul 25, 2014 10:14:54 GMT -5
@rpb - are you planning on breastfeeding? Because if you are your mom in in for rude awakening about baby holding. You're going to be feeding/holding the baby quite often, newborns nurse ALOT!.
I think your mom definitely needs to visit family after the reunion this weekend. While she's gone I would try to do some things to make your life easier: -can you rent a wheelchair so you're a little more independent? -make meals & freeze them (maybe a friend could help you?) -hire someone to do some cleaning, yard work, etc.
Can you call your therapist to get an appointment today, since your mom is going to be gone anyway? Or tomorrow? Or get her to stay at her reunion until Monday and go Monday morning before she gets back?