Is there a spa between you and the family reunion? You could put her up for two nights somewhere and give her a facial and massage. It would give you both a break and allow you to say how much you appreciate her being there for you.
Last night was really terrible. She wanted to sleep in our bed because H was working overnight and either the bed she is sleeping in is horribly uncomfortable (I've slept in it and don't think this is the case, but she wouldn't tell me if it were) or because she wanted to snuggle with Biscuit.
I wish you could see my face right now. Up until this point, I was really seeing both sides and feeling for you all, but this is not cool. She's not 5, she can sleep in her own damn bed and snuggle the dog in the morning like a normal person. This is the first thing you've said where I feel both like she is just weird and also like you need to be the one to put boundaries in place. I get that you owe her a lot, but you don't owe her sleeping in your bed! There are limits!
You need to have a calm conversation with your mom. I'd approach from the angle of you being SO appreciative of what she's done and having noticed that she's stressed and wanting to see how to make that better, including the fact that you're feeling ready to do stuff like drive yourself more often. I know that probably sounds like a tough conversation, but I really think you just need to do it, and hopefully you'll all feel better afterward.
How big is the knee scooter? Does it fold down at all so you could sit in the driver's seat & then somehow fold it to put in the passenger seat?
Also, I think you need to do something for yourself in regards to stress relief & pampering. Hugs @rpb!
It fits easily in the trunk, but passenger's seat is not a possibility.
Would there be anyone that could help you get in the car at home then someone at your destination could help you get out? That way you could at least drive yourself.
Any chance you have a minivan or could you rent one? If you had a driver's side passenger door it would probably be much easier to open the sliding door, put the knee scooter in the back & then get it.
@rpb - are you planning on breastfeeding? Because if you are your mom in in for rude awakening about baby holding. You're going to be feeding/holding the baby quite often, newborns nurse ALOT!.
I think your mom definitely needs to visit family after the reunion this weekend. While she's gone I would try to do some things to make your life easier: -can you rent a wheelchair so you're a little more independent? -make meals & freeze them (maybe a friend could help you?) -hire someone to do some cleaning, yard work, etc.
When do you go to the ortho?
I am planning to BF. I assume my mom knows what that's like since she BF my sister and me (though that was 26+ years ago). Before I fell, she was talking about all the meals she was going to cook for us, etc. It sounded wonderful because she was going to be here for help and advice, and she is really helpful and nurturing. And things were like that (except no baby) for a few weeks after I fell, but now the bottom is falling out.
I have a wheelchair (which I rarely use) and a knee scooter (which I use all the time). I haven't driven since I fell--not because I physically can't drive (I injured my left ankle) but because I haven't figured out the logistics of getting myself and my scooter into the car. Also, I fell on the steps with crutches five days after breaking my ankle, sending me to L&D and subsequently a perinatologist for monitoring because I was having contractions. So I get why she's worried about me trying to do anything by myself. But that was over a month ago, and I'm starting to resent that she's still holding it over my head.
The funny thing about our house is that it's cleaner than it normally is. We have a house cleaner 2x/month who does the deep cleaning. I just need H to step up to doing some of the daily tasks like making dinner and doing laundry. I think we *might* finally be on the same page regarding this issue.
My ortho appt is tentatively scheduled for 8/5. I really think I'll only cancel it if I'm actually *in the hospital* at that time. I still won't be able to carry the baby, but no longer being pregnant *and* being able to put even some weight on my left foot should do wonders for my mobility.
OMFG. I wrote you this whole long post and GBCN ate it. %*%(%)#($)%_
Anyways. OK.
#1: hugs. (hug2) SOME of all this above is just pg hormones + someone extra is in your space and it is just hard to adjust to another adult invading your happy little home.
#2: Come to Jesus meeting time.
You have GOT to stand up for yourself and your DH. She's your mom, and YES, she's a bit of a drama queen/'my way or the highway' type who still sees YOU as her child and her little baby. You need to look your mom in the eye and say "Mom, I know I am injured, but I am NOT FEEBLE. I am an adult and it is no longer acceptable for you to treat me like I am a child. I really appreciate the last few weeks of your help, but I think we can all agree that this house has become too small for 3 adults. I have booked you a reservation with spa services at (super awesome in town hotel) for the next (week?/until baby arrives) and I'm sure you can also use the break from us. I WILL BE FINE. I'd like for you to come back here when baby girl makes her appearance. I expect you to help with the baby. When I say 'bring me baby, time to BF!' BRING. ME. THE. BABY. This is a non-negotiable. I will be having help come in for daily cleaning until I am cleared to be back on my feet. I'm sure this time apart will be refreshing for us all." DO NOT NEGOTIATE THIS TIME OUT.
What I expect: Your mom will sputter, get mad, flounce off this weekend to the reunion. Then she'll realize the only way to see baby girl (her reward for all this effort) is to fall in line. Don't negotiate with terrorists. Tell her 'the plan is set - please go to the hotel' on repeat. Don't let her make this a fight. It's a break until your child gets here and then she can come back to help with her grandchild.
Yay! Win!
She'll probably argue or throw a temper tantrum. Let her. But when she keeps fighting you, have one repeated response "this is the way you can see your grandchild. This is IT."
I know it's hard to stand up to people who have steam rolled you your entire life, but ou have to look out for YOUR family now. Your DH and your child need to come before your mom's temper tantrums.
You need to have a calm conversation with your mom. I'd approach from the angle of you being SO appreciative of what she's done and having noticed that she's stressed and wanting to see how to make that better
If you don't want to have the honest, up-front conversation a lot us recommended earlier rbp, this is what I think I would do. I might even fake tear up a bit and tell her you're sorry for asking so much of her, and you can tell she hasn't been happy lately, and that you love her and don't want things to be tense. A hug might go a long way here, I don't know, feel it out. It doesn't really solve anything big picture, but I don't know if there's a way to do that anyway. And this will obviously need to be the last super-long-term visit, but I think you both probably know that, so there's no need to bring it up.
::hugs:: I'm so sorry rbp, this is so stressful for all of you. All of you need a break, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't understand why your mom tells you that she feels used since she is supposed to be there to help you. It's not right that she's throwing that in your face when you have an injury that makes you unable to do a lot for yourself.
She was complaining about my H not doing enough around the house. I defended him, but I had just told him earlier in the day that I really needed him to step up around the house.
Then when he does something, she complains about how he did it wrong. (wilted)
Oh that would piss me off so, so much. I'm so frustrated for you. I don't know how you aren't exploding. You said your mom can't talk about difficult topics - are you the same way, by any chance? Because I would have started yelling a week or so ago, and honestly I don't know how you've held your tongue.
I would probably say "Mom, I can tell you are frustrated, what can we do to make this easier on you? I appreciate all the help you're providing, but I feel like maybe you're taking on a little too much and we don't want you to feel taken advantage of or get burnt out."
She was complaining about my H not doing enough around the house. I defended him, but I had just told him earlier in the day that I really needed him to step up around the house.
Then when he does something, she complains about how he did it wrong. (wilted)
Oh that would piss me off so, so much. I'm so frustrated for you. I don't know how you aren't exploding. You said your mom can't talk about difficult topics - are you the same way, by any chance? Because I would have started yelling a week or so ago, and honestly I don't know how you've held your tongue.
I think it really helps to start standing up for yourself via the baby. My parents know I take exactly ZERO shit when it comes to my DS' care. My mom was doing something annoying but grandmother-like (prob feeding him something I said not to give him) and dad was like "don't do THAT! She won't bring him over here anymore!" I wouldn't do that, but knowing I have struck that fear in them is POWAH!!!
I would probably say "Mom, I can tell you are frustrated, what can we do to make this easier on you? I appreciate all the help you're providing, but I feel like maybe you're taking on a little too much and we don't want you to feel taken advantage of or get burnt out."
I've tried something like this and feel like she shuts me down. I need to try it again on Sunday when we're feeling more relaxed. Maybe I can make myself more clear.
What would happen if you push it gently? "Mom, come on, don't shut down, we have to get this out in the open for both of our well-being."
My mom, on the other hand, resorts to yelling, crying, and storming out of the room. Then the next day she's all making me tea and pretending like everything is fine.
And what happens if you bring it up again then when everything's pleasant? More storming/crying? Or can she discuss it better then?
ETA: And do you also pretend everything's fine? Because honestly, a little bristling from you even after the fact might be in order. "I"m glad you're feeling better, but I'm still pretty upset about last night. Let's talk." Etc.
Post by gibbinator on Jul 25, 2014 13:30:48 GMT -5
I would maybe try phrasing it something like "I know you're really looking forward to the baby arriving and helping us at that time like we originally planned. I don't want you to feel exhausted caring for me before baby arrives so that you can enjoy those weeks here. What can we do to get you a break before then?"
Kind of remind her that if she's tired now, she's still going to be here a while. She needs a mother's day off once a week or something lol.
Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're all pretty tired of each other.
Hugs, rbp. I don't have any more advice to offer on top of the great suggestions you've gotten but wanted to add my support. Relationships with moms can be so hard, and I can totally relate to what you're saying. My mom is a total martyr and I love her but could NEVER EVER live with her again. She likes to "joke" about how DH and I should buy a two-family house so she can move into the other half and take care of stuff for us .
I'm sorry for your run of bad luck.
This, to a T. "There are 2 houses down the street for sale! If you move there, I can do everything for you." Yeah, and annoy the everloving crap out of me. I love my mom to pieces, but no. There is such a thing as too close.
Hugs rbp. I do think telling her to go visit family and you'll call her when labor starts is the right decision. She'll get some space, you'll get some space, and by the time the baby comes, you'll both be so excited, all this stress will melt away. Hang in there.
ETA: If it makes you feel any better, you look absolutely adorable - and even better with the scooter!
Post by phunluvin82 on Jul 25, 2014 14:21:08 GMT -5
Hugs rbp...I think the weekend apart will help a lot.
ITA w/ a spa day for when she gets back. Put the spa GC in a nice card about how much you appreciate all her help.
Make other arrangements to get to/from work for the last couple of days and be firm with her: "Mom, you have been doing so much, I really insist that you get a break from driving me, but I would love if you could do x for me instead (something easy and non-stressful...pick up some groceries or a couple baby items). Manufacture something if need be just so she feels like she is still helping...clearly it is extremely important to her to feel like she is helping, despite the fact that she is obviously burnt out.
Make a reservation for dinner or a night out with your H. This will give you and mom another short break from one another...and you & your H some quality time before baby.
If you speak to her at all this weekend and things seem a bit less on the brink, you could try to suggest that she go see her family for a few days and ensure her that you will manage and that she deserves a bit of a break. Tell her you are really need her to be 100% for when the baby comes and maybe that will make her feel better, like she is needed.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Jul 25, 2014 14:50:51 GMT -5
Big hugs, rbp.
I apologize in advance -- I haven't read this whole thread, but DD2 will be up from her nap soon and I wanted to respond to you while I could. So feel free to ignore anything I say that you've already addressed in a different post!
Your relationship with your mom sounds a whole lot like mine with my mom. You've made a few comments that make me think that you spend a lot of emotional energy on thinking about your mom's feelings. I am the same way -- I get myself so worked up about making sure my mom is happy and doesn't have her feelings hurt that I will sometimes prioritize her happiness or convenience over mine and DH's.
Right after my older daughter was born was a real low point in my relationship with my mom. It was very important for her to be there when DD1 was born, but she lives far away, so she came to stay with us beginning a month before my due date. Then DD1 was born a week late. The plan had been for her to visit for a bit before the baby was born, then stay for a week or so afterwards to help with the baby. She ended up flying home the day we got back from the hospital. She was crushed, and she wasn't very happy with me. But I was absolutely at my breaking point, and that's what I really needed.
It took me a lot of counseling to figure out how to restructure my relationship with my parents. I had to learn that my little family has to come first -- and I have to prioritize OUR convenience and happiness over my mother's. It was really hard for me to do, and I'm still learning. But being open about what I need has made things SO much better. Our relationship is great now, and my mother and I are close again.
I'm sorry to give you so much detail about my problems, but I just wanted to say that it looks like you might be set up to have a similar experience. Your mom has been there for a long time taking care of you and NOT getting to hold a grandbaby. She's probably worn out and exhausted, but you're HER baby and her baby is having a rough time, so she wants to help you, she just isn't enjoying it. I hope when your baby is born that your mom is able to help and that things will get better. But if not, don't stress about it now. Do what you need to do to take care of you, your DH, and your baby. If that means that mom goes home fairly soon after the baby is born, then that's what she needs to do. After you've settled into your new role as mom, you can start to work on making your relationship with your mom the way it needs to be.
Some people make that transition from Adult Mother and Child Daughter to Adult Mother and Adult Daughter easily, but others don't. And many people don't actually make that transition until a grandchild is born. I'm not saying that's the situation you're in, but that's how I was, and it was a big part of why I had trouble telling my mom what DH and I needed.
Sorry for all that rambling -- I hope some of it is helpful. Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
Post by shopgirl07 on Jul 25, 2014 17:44:53 GMT -5
Your Mom is holding you hostage. She complains about being tired and used. She won't let you drive yourself to work. She won't let you hire help. She won't let you sleep in your bed. Do you see how this is going?
The way I see it, everyone is already upset and on edge. Standing up for yourself is not going to make things worse. She might complain, but you'll be happier. So hire help if you want to. Tell her you're driving yourself if you want to. And for God's sake, say no to her sleeping in your bed.
You don't have to say these things in a mean or confrontational manner, but you have to say them. Again, she's holding you hostage and the longer it goes on, the worse the outcome is going to be.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Jul 25, 2014 23:28:05 GMT -5
Very random suggestion - mom, I would like to go to Costco and get one of their nice memory foam mattress toppers. Jayhawkgirl from my "book club" swears by the one she put on her son's bed to make it extra comfortable when she's sleeping in there. Maybe grab some new pillows and sheets there too.
She's tired, perhaps the bed is not comfortable to her, and it's wearing her out. But wtf on her sleeping in your room. ?!?
My dad is the pouting/storm off type and I agree w pp that sometimes I have to push a bit to force him to have an adult conversation about whatever is bothering him. It has gotten easier but it sucks every time I have to. A gesture of what can we do to help you feel more comfortable could prompt a conversation about what's eating at her.
I do think if your H is home he should be your primary caregiver, both to save your headaches with your mom and to let you lead the charge as a couple first, with the soon-to-be-grandma in line behind the two of you.
Hang in there. Such a crappy situation for you . You do rock your baby bump and that wheely scooter!
So I need to say something to her like "this setup clearly isn't working out. It's making all of us unhappy. So you should do whatever will make you feel better, and if that's going home, that's what you should do. I have rides to work this week, and we have an assistant lined up for after the baby is born."
I am just nervous about trying to have a serious conversation with her. She doesn't take criticism, period. I feel like she's going to cry and play the victim.
H agrees that I/we need to talk to her, but he is also kind of puzzled by how much I'm letting this situation affect me. I woke up crying about it, and she's not even here this weekend. He said "your mom is kind of crazy. So what if she gets upset? Just ignore it." Wish it were that easy.
I'm so glad to hear you're coming around to this realization. It really is what needs to be done. Although I don't think you should leave it as open as "do what you need to do." What if she says she wants to stay? Then nothing is solved. Maybe "Why don't you go home for a week to get some rest and reevaluate? You can always come back, and we'll have help lined up for the baby, so you won't have to work as hard as you have been." And if she does come back - hotel. Definitely.
You do realize that overreacting and playing the victim is really nothing more than a form of manipulation, right? It sounds like you've been intertwined in her crapola for so long that you aren't seeing it for what it really is. And that's exactly where she wants you (and probably others in her life). As long as this way works for her, she's going to keep doing it. So don't let it work this time.
Maybe this will be one of your grown-up lessons. You are your own person with your own life, and even someone as close to you as a parent doesn't have the right to make you miserable. And your mom's emotional issues are solely hers; they're neither your problem nor your responsibility.
H agrees that I/we need to talk to her, but he is also kind of puzzled by how much I'm letting this situation affect me. I woke up crying about it, and she's not even here this weekend. He said "your mom is kind of crazy. So what if she gets upset? Just ignore it."
Nothing to add re: talking to your mom since OPs have pretty much covered it and I just want to say that I am sorry that you have to deal with all this.
I did have to comment because this BS coming from your DH would make me see red, especially since it seems that maybe part of the reason that your mom may be feeling overwhelmed is because even you admit that you DH hasn't stepped up to the plate to help more around the house and that he is finally, weeks after your injury, getting that he has to do more.
Not that I am making excuses for your mom, since her actions are creeping into batshit crazy territory but if I were a mom and I saw my child hurting and then saw that her spouse wasn't doing all he could to make things easier for her (and me) I would be pretty peeved and less than gracious toward him.
Oh - I thought she was already going home for a weekend, so you would just be suggesting that she extend it. Did I get that wrong?
Also woo! Hopefully you'll have a baby soon!
She lives 600 miles north of us. Her mom and sisters are 150 miles south. I thought about suggesting that she spend some time with them, but everything blew up right before she left for the weekend (she's now midway between here and her mom) that I didn't have a chance to suggest it. So I don't know.
You need to stop looking at it as criticism. It's not. You BOTH are tired and spent. This has been hard, harder than you both expected. You feel it will help her to take a few days to herself.
Make it about wanting to help her. She isn't doing anything wrong. This is just a bigger burden than expected.
Basically - spin it however you need, in YOUR mind too.
And I agree - if she gets upset and plays victim, all it is in manipulation because she nines it works. You are too close to this to see it for what it is.
I think you (and your dog, since dog snuggles make everything less bad) are the one who needs to go to a hotel and take some time apart from the drama. You have it coming at you from all sides and getting away would give you some time to get your thoughts all sorted out away from your mom and your DH.
You know your mom can't relax yet you seem surprised when she is acting that way in your home. You know that she has some crazy tendencies yet seem surprised that, after living in someone else's house away from her usual routine and things for weeks, that crazy is coming out. Yet you can't talk to her about it because, by your own admission, have avoided bringing it up because of the potential conflict.
Your DH, by your own admission, hasn't exactly been stepping up regarding the cooking and laundry and you have had to have talks with him about stepping up. And when you try to talk to him about the situation his answer is to tell you to not let it upset you when it is apparent that the situation is upsetting to you. Whether his intentions were good or helpful, I still call BS since unless he is blind, he can see that it is upsetting you and that horse has left the barn.
Your mom, with her own issues, is starting to act bat shit crazy and no one will call her on it because it might hurt her feelings but apparently your feelings don't seem to matter.
Yeah, maybe it is because I am old (and not pregnant) but no one makes me feel this uncomfortable or upset in my own home or questions the decisions I make that impact me and my immediate family without hearing an earful about it. No one.
I get that she is doing a lot for you but a lot of what she is doing is because you won't just say "No, I don't need you to do that!" (the driving thing, for example. It sounds like you and your DH had come up with a solution that might work but backed down before even trying it out not because it wouldn't really work but because she got upset.)
You say you don't know how to interact with your mom as an adult. Well, you are about to become a parent yourself and you are setting a pattern that your decisions and desires for what happens with your family have no place in a relationship with her. That cannot be a good thing.
omg, I'm so sorry. I broke my (right) ankle 4 years ago, when I had an 18mo old, and it was SO HARD to deal with. I can only imagine being pregnant, too.
I don't have any advice on what to do... but, it sounds like your Mom is toxic in this situation.
Maybe you could try to find rides places through a handicap/medical transportation service? I did this to get to work, and even though it took longer than someone driving me, it was a lot easier on everyone.
Oh, and I went totally batshit on my husband for spoiling a wheel of cheese (yeah, a whole $6 at costco) when I was super pregnant. So, I've had cheese drama in my house before, too. LOL.
I'm going to add - you keep saying that to push back with your mom will mean ruining your relationship. Honesty - I doubt that would happen. She has you where she wants you and you're SO ingrained in her behavior, you think you have no option. But I'd bet you if you pushed back and defended yourself and your family - shed bristle at first. But once she realized that her shit doesn't work anymore, she'd come back w some version of her tail between her legs.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jul 26, 2014 20:09:54 GMT -5
Ok. Enough with the helplessness bit.
You are a smart, capable adult. Yes, you are a million years pregnant with a busted ankle. But really, you are capable of articulating to the people close to you in your life what you need. Half of the problem here is that everybody is flailing around with no idea what to do. Your mom is doing way too much and getting resentful of it, but doesn't know how to give up the reins. Your husband is balancing a demanding job, an injured wife, and a MIL who has let him know she is finding him insufficient.
Figure out what you actually want/need from each of them as far as assistance and spell it out for both of them. Be clear, be definitive, and be adult enough to deal with the fall out.
You are not weak, and you are not helpless. "Stand up" for yourself here and say what you want/need.