Ok, one the one hand you say he broke your trust and it will take him a long time to earn it back; on the other hand, it sounds like you automatically, completely trust that what he told you about his conversation shutting it down with her, is the truth?
I'm glad everything is out in the open. My concern is that when you brought all of your questions about this girl to him, he acted like it was a big nothing. And he never told you about these inappropriate IM's and how she feels about him. He was going to bring her to a BBQ in your car, with your family knowing she has feelings towards him. Eww. He clearly has some self examination to do as to what crosses the line. I don't think that you should be the one to have to tell him. He already knows. It's good that he shut it down with her.
Take it down a few notches, really.
? My point is that I think it would have been a much better situation had he just told her about all of the IM's instead of her having to find them on her own. Regardless, it looks like she feels that this is something they can move past.
It's your marriage and I'm glad you are satisfied with where things stand.
On the professional front, did he understand that *his* words and actions have been very inappropriate and that he needs to get himself in line without scapegoating or penalizing his subordinate?
Also, I want to add that there are going to be people disappointed in this update. They WANTED you to catch him cheating because it's good drama.
I hope none of my comments sounded like that because that is the last thing I wanted. At the same time, a lot of people pointed out yesterday that cookies kept downplaying her suspicions, and no one wants to see her possibly be duped. I agree that she's done a great job of defending herself, and I do think she's getting to the core of the issue. I just know that if this were me, I would have more questions as I did more thinking/reading, which I think is natural.
Also, I want to add that there are going to be people disappointed in this update. They WANTED you to catch him cheating because it's good drama.
I hope none of my comments sounded like that because that is the last thing I wanted. At the same time, a lot of people pointed out yesterday that cookies kept downplaying her suspicions, and no one wants to see her possibly be duped. I agree that she's done a great job of defending herself, and I do think she's getting to the core of the issue. I just know that if this were me, I would have more questions as I did more thinking/reading, which I think is natural.
This was my point. I hope nobody WANTED her to catch her H cheating. It's an awful situation for anyone to go through.
I'm glad everything is out in the open. My concern is that when you brought all of your questions about this girl to him, he acted like it was a big nothing. And he never told you about these inappropriate IM's and how she feels about him. He was going to bring her to a BBQ in your car, with your family knowing she has feelings towards him. Eww. He clearly has some self examination to do as to what crosses the line. I don't think that you should be the one to have to tell him. He already knows. It's good that he shut it down with her.
I think this is a good point to share your story. They've talked and are comfortable with the resolution that was made. It's nice to hear stories where things could have gone down one path and were stopped and now everything it okay.
It's your marriage and I'm glad you are satisfied with where things stand.
On the professional front, did he understand that *his* words and actions have been very inappropriate and that he needs to get himself in line without scapegoating or penalizing his subordinate?
Take care of yourself, you've done everything to open his eyes to the harm he was doing to your marriage and his job. I hope he realizes he is damn lucky you were willing to hear him out and not kick him to the curb. He got a second chance and I wish you the best.
Also, no more personal stuff on company owned devices!
Also, I want to add that there are going to be people disappointed in this update. They WANTED you to catch him cheating because it's good drama. On the boards, a husband is either a saint or else you are instructed to DTMF. In real life, there's a looooooooot of gray area there. A person can flirt and enjoy it and still not plan on cheating on their spouse. I'm not saying your husband is totally innocent here, but I also don't think we need to jump to, "But, but, but, what about THIS?!?!". We always say to trust your gut, and you are.
Are we already to the part of the thread where people are acting like the fact we're all talking (typing?) out of our asses is brand new information? Not that there's anything wrong with this, by the way. It's why I keep coming back and enjoying myself thoroughly.
I'm glad you two aired things out. Who knows what your DH's intentions were but I think open communication is so important not matter how uncomfortable. We are all human and we all make mistakes, and I'm hopeful this is little snafu is just a minor blip in your relationship with him. Live and learn.
I did a bone-headed things to my DH ONE TIME and he was so hurt that he cried (he was not a crier). The fact that it hurt him so badly (it was really just thoughtlessness on my part--no evil intentions) that I resolved never to do it again. And I didn't. It was a total wake-up call. We dealt with it and moved on. No harm, no foul.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm glad that you were able to talk and that you feel satisfied with the results. You seem like you have your eyes wide open and that you will work on this together and, really, that's all anyone can ask.
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Jul 25, 2014 11:39:18 GMT -5
cookies - I am very pleased for your with your update. Please keep up with checking on him. I said yesterday that my EXH was g chatting with a mutual friend and I thought she was a little overly flirtatious. I confronted him, he agreed and blocked her on gmail. What I never did was check up on his phone habits or things like that and that is how he continued his affair.
I'M NOT SAYING YOUR HUSBAND IS DOING THIS, I just want you to keep your eyes open. I agree with a PP that this was caught at just the right time and has hopefully scared him/gotten into his head that going any further could have disastrous ramifications for his life and his job.
Also, I know this is standard ML advice but you might want to suggest counseling to him so he can work out why he allowed her to continue to flirt with him. A couple sessions might help him grow from the situation and address the real issue.
I think at this point there's still enough to worry about/focus on without adding where this could have gone. At this point it hasn't and most likely won't.
My only thoughts while reading this are I might want to set up couples counselling to talk through it a bit more, or even just to discuss how your relationship has changed since having a child, how a second might change it and what you guys need to do to not lose the couple part of your marriage while raising young kids. A proactive therapy? Might help, might be overkill, also might not be something you have the energy for right now so something to think about later.
My second thought was wondering if this work that involves buddying up with a young crowd and partying is part of the job is something that still fits with your family. Maybe it's time for a casual job search to test if there is a working environment that better suits a family man. I have no idea what he does or if this is possible. But some of what you were writing about how that's just how the jobs are made me wonder if it's still the right job for where you two are in life.
I'm glad to see the update. I think you're good to trust your gut. Keep your eyes open but there is a very good chance he's telling the truth. TBH I read your thread yesterday and didn't get the feeling he WAS cheating already, just that he was forming a relationship that could end up progressing in that direction. I'm glad it's been shut down.
Am I the only one who is completely fine being thrown under the bus when my SO has to make an excuse for something, and would throw my SO under the bus too? Not in mutual friendships or family situations, but I've absolutely said "blame the fact that you can't do that on me!" to my SO in the past about work/professional relationship situations. The OP's husband still has to work with this person, it's much better relationship management IMO to handle things the way he did. It would be super awkward to work with her after telling her he was uncomfortable. It really doesn't matter what his subordinate thinks of his wife, KWIM? It only matters what she thinks of him and their working relationship.
This is a good update. I may be a huge sucker, but he seems forthcoming and remorseful for the situation, yes? I agree that your timing was perfect. It's a good sign that he handed his password over, unless he changes it It's also good that all the timelines match up to everything he is saying.
Also, I know this is a minority opinion, but I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing that he blamed it on you. The one thing a woman might be most afraid of is another territorial woman. Let her be a little afraid of you. It could be a good thing. (amirite, berbles?)
I'm glad to see the update. I think you're good to trust your gut. Keep your eyes open but there is a very good chance he's telling the truth. TBH I read your thread yesterday and didn't get the feeling he WAS cheating already, just that he was forming a relationship that could end up progressing in that direction. I'm glad it's been shut down.
Am I the only one who is completely fine being thrown under the bus when my SO has to make an excuse for something, and would throw my SO under the bus too? Not in mutual friendships or family situations, but I've absolutely said "blame the fact that you can't do that on me!" to my SO in the past about work/professional relationship situations. The OP's husband still has to work with this person, it's much better relationship management IMO to handle things the way he did. It would be super awkward to work with her after telling her he was uncomfortable. It really doesn't matter what his subordinate thinks of his wife, KWIM? It only matters what she thinks of him and their working relationship.
I actually had no issue with it. I think it is easier from a professional standpoint to use the wife as a scapegoat so the professional relationship can go on especially since he dipped his toe into some unprofessional behavior.
I'm glad he was forthcoming with the passwords, etc. It does seem as if he was just a little naive and didn't realize the girl seemed to be flirty. I'm glad everything worked out and your initial gut feeling was right.
Please do me one favor, stop using your pregnancy as an excuse for his behavior. There will be times in marriage when for reasons, be they illness or pregnancy or something else, intimacy might drop off. This should not mean the other person off the hook for acting inappropriately with another person.
I know you have been saying that and not necessarily him, but it pains me to hear you kind of beat yourself up about it.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny