So he told her he couldn't talk to her because of you and your reaction? I feel like he shouldn't have to be told not to have an inappropriate relationship OR how to cut it off. I'm sorry, I know you want to trust him, but I would keep my guard up if I was you.
I'm glad things seem to be better. I'm not happy how he seemed to make it all "Well Cookies saw the IMs" when explaining the situation to her (if I read that correctly) rather than taking the initiative to say "I CROSSED" the line.
I'm glade he Seems receptive to your concerns. I would be on high alert for a long time though, I hope this doesn't ruin his career. I wish you all the best.
I'm glad he was willing to see your side and agreed to make changes. I don't like how he put everything on you. It's kinda like "My mom won't let me hang out with you." I hope things only get better from here
I'm glad things seem to be better. I'm not happy how he seemed to make it all "Well Cookies saw the IMs" when explaining the situation to her (if I read that correctly) rather than taking the initiative to say "I CROSSED" the line.
Ditto this. It is a good thing he did what you asked, but he really threw you under the bus here "She saw the IM's and had a problem with it, so now I am doing this because she is making me.".
I think your timing was really good here. I think you proactively shut something down that could have taken a bad turn. Now you two can build from here and hopefully repair the damage he has done.
It sounds like he is receptive and not trying to be shady. That is very good.
Based on your update, I agree that you guys can move past this and put it behind you. I wish he didn't throw you under the bus, but at least he saw the inappropriateness of his actions and wasn't trying to hide anything from you. Going forward, he should be more vigilant about maintaining boundaries at work.
I think your timing was really good here. I think you proactively shut something down that could have taken a bad turn. Now you two can build from here and hopefully repair the damage he has done.
It sounds like he is receptive and not trying to be shady. That is very good.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Good for you for standing up for yourself, and I'm glad it's shut down now. I still don't necessarily buy everything he told you, but if you're comfortable with his explanations, then all you can do is move on from here. I still think you have a lot more talking to do about the IMs, about how the things the girl said made him feel, why it's inappropriate for him to have that kind of conversation with *anyone* especially an employee, why he didn't shut it down (that is so bad, esp in the boss-subordinate relationship), about how idiotic it was of him to continue to explain why it was ok for her to go to the BBQ, and how it was shitty that he blamed all of this on you.
I hope what you've written above really is all there was, and that it was enough to scare him out of doing anything like that again. Good luck going forward from here. I know if this were me, my trust would be completely broken, almost as much as if he had actually cheated. I think that would be hard to recover from, but I hope he can do what's necessary to earn it back. ((((Hugs))))
ETA: I'm glad you came to your senses about the BBQ. It was bonkers that you were still on board with letting her come for as long as you were. lol.
I'm glad everything is out in the open. My concern is that when you brought all of your questions about this girl to him, he acted like it was a big nothing. And he never told you about these inappropriate IM's and how she feels about him. He was going to bring her to a BBQ in your car, with your family knowing she has feelings towards him. Eww. He clearly has some self examination to do as to what crosses the line. I don't think that you should be the one to have to tell him. He already knows. It's good that he shut it down with her.
Post by speckledfrog on Jul 25, 2014 11:14:24 GMT -5
I think this is all very good.
Please know that people here are going to continue to pick this to shit because that's what this board does. It exists in a vacuum and not in real life. It sounds like your IRL handling of everything went as smoothly as possible. I'm glad that YH is a good, albeit totally clueless, guy.
I'm glad everything is out in the open. My concern is that when you brought all of your questions about this girl to him, he acted like it was a big nothing. And he never told you about these inappropriate IM's and how she feels about him. He was going to bring her to a BBQ in your car, with your family knowing she has feelings towards him. Eww. He clearly has some self examination to do as to what crosses the line. I don't think that you should be the one to have to tell him. He already knows. It's good that he shut it down with her.
He was going to bring her to a BBQ in your car, with your family knowing she has feelings towards him. Eww. He clearly has some self examination to do as to what crosses the line.
Exactly. Not only was he not shutting it down, he was welcoming the attention. And it would have been obvious in person that he brought someone who had feelings for him, and in front of a big group of your friends, no less. No fucking way. What a cluster that would have been.
Stuff like this is why I don't 100% believe that he wouldn't have let this progress. But hopefully that point is moot now, and will continue to be in the future, with this person or with anyone else.
This is a good update. I may be a huge sucker, but he seems forthcoming and remorseful for the situation, yes? I agree that your timing was perfect. It's a good sign that he handed his password over, unless he changes it It's also good that all the timelines match up to everything he is saying.
Also, I know this is a minority opinion, but I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing that he blamed it on you. The one thing a woman might be most afraid of is another territorial woman. Let her be a little afraid of you. It could be a good thing. (amirite, berbles?)
Also, I want to add that there are going to be people disappointed in this update. They WANTED you to catch him cheating because it's good drama. On the boards, a husband is either a saint or else you are instructed to DTMF. In real life, there's a looooooooot of gray area there. A person can flirt and enjoy it and still not plan on cheating on their spouse. I'm not saying your husband is totally innocent here, but I also don't think we need to jump to, "But, but, but, what about THIS?!?!". We always say to trust your gut, and you are.
I think you handled this so well, and agree with the others about perfect timing. Things didn't sound good yesterday, but based on how everything went last night/this morning I am guessing it was a case of him liking the attention (still crappy, but definitely one of the best outcomes here). I wish you all the best from here, and I'm glad she's not going to the BBQ!