My entire issue is that I won't give anyone a chance. If anyone seems like they might be more than friends I sabotage it. I can't handle being vulnerable.
I can relate, a bit. Are you in therapy? I work A LOT with my therapist on accepting my vulnerabilities and keeping my walls down.
Yes, I'm in therapy.
I have had an ideal my entire life about being in a relationship that mattered and it's the one thing I've never had. It's probably comparable to someone always dreaming of being a parent and it's the only thing they want but they are not able to conceive or adopt and so their life feels like it has a gaping void. They can try to focus on friends and hobbies but it's not going to make that go away. I have been alone and independent my entire life. I also feel like I missed out on sex. I had sex exactly twice before XH, then lived in mostly sexless marriage for almost a decade, then had maybe three months of sex combined with both of my relationships. I'm sick of being celibate. I'm not choosing the "I don't need no man life." I don't need a man as a crutch, I can and do do everything myself. But I do need them for affection and sex. There are some things you or your friends or hobbies can't provide. I enjoy the little bit of sex I've had since I left XH and would like to have sex again before I hit menopause and have no hormones left. But I am not the type of person to have causal sex. So it's a catch 22. Being with my friends makes me bitter because they have what I don't, even if it's just a personality that allows them to let go and date the flavor of the week, as opposed to my issues. But most of them are in decently happy marriages with families. That's like telling the person with the dream of being a parent to stop trying to conceive, stop trying to adopt, but fill you weekends up with baby showers and trips to babies r us.
I can relate, a bit. Are you in therapy? I work A LOT with my therapist on accepting my vulnerabilities and keeping my walls down.
Yes, I'm in therapy.
I have had an ideal my entire life about being in a relationship that mattered and it's the one thing I've never had. It's probably comparable to someone always dreaming of being a parent and it's the only thing they want but they are not able to conceive or adopt and so their life feels like it has a gaping void. They can try to focus on friends and hobbies but it's not going to make that go away. I have been alone and independent my entire life. I also feel like I missed out on sex. I had sex exactly twice before XH, then lived in mostly sexless marriage for almost a decade, then had maybe three months of sex combined with both of my relationships. I'm sick of being celibate. I'm not choosing the "I don't need no man life." I don't need a man as a crutch, I can and do do everything myself. But I do need them for affection and sex. There are some things you or your friends or hobbies can't provide. I enjoy the little bit of sex I've had since I left XH and would like to have sex again before I hit menopause and have no hormones left. But I am not the type of person to have causal sex. So it's a catch 22. Being with my friends makes me bitter because they have what I don't, even if it's just a personality that allows them to let go and date the flavor of the week, as opposed to my issues. But most of them are in decently happy marriages with families. That's like telling the person with the dream of being a parent to stop trying to conceive, stop trying to adopt, but fill you weekends up with baby showers and trips to babies r us.
It just sucks. That's why I'm in therapy.
I'm sorry. It does sound tough. I understand the conflict.
Also, it's so frustrating that for a long time all I heard was that I needed to get back into the game and that a relationship isn't going to fall into my lap and I needed to open myself up and that being alone was going to be a self fulfilling prophecy... and then when I finally do try I hear that I need to be alone and work on myself. Whatever I do is the always the wrong thing.
I hate dating. Hate, hate, hate it. My last relationship was with the love of my life who I've known for more than half my life and who knew all my flaws and deep dark secrets but loved me anyway. How the hell am I supposed to move on to a total stranger that sees me as a piece of ass? And they all do. And more time won't matter. It's been long enough. FML. I just keep pushing them away. I'm gonna die single and celibate because I keep pushing them away. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to have causal sex and feel like shit but I don't want to attempt to recreate what can never be recreated. F M L
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
Have you talked to your therapist about losing the love of your life? That may very well be a huge hang up for you. Why did you guys end your relationship?
Also, it's so frustrating that for a long time all I heard was that I needed to get back into the game and that a relationship isn't going to fall into my lap and I needed to open myself up and that being alone was going to be a self fulfilling prophecy... and then when I finally do try I hear that I need to be alone and work on myself. Whatever I do is the always the wrong thing.
So I just went back and read your intro, how long have you and "the love of your life" been broken up? It sounds like it was a tough break up and, in reality, not that long ago, plus it also sounds like his kid was involved (forgive me if I am wrong). I would seriously take some time to work on yourself in therapy and try to be happy with your life before trying to bring anyone else into it.