XP: One word that never appears in men's performance reviews

[lasagnasshole]

I posted this on CEP, but the stories people have shared made me think it would be worth posting here, too.

What about you, MMers? Ever had a boss call you abrasive? Tell you to watch your tone? Be nicer?

This is not surprising but still depressing. I am trying to be a little more assertive and out there at work, but it's such a tough balancing act. Yesterday I had to talk on the phone with a male superior who is a big interrupter, and I felt like I practically had to yell into the phone to get him to listen to me. And now I worry he'll think I'm "strident" in the way I defended my position. Sigh.

The formatting is difficult to copy so I've just put a key excerpt below.

www.fastcompany.com/3034895/strong-female-lead/the-one-word-men-never-see-in-their-performance-reviews

Perhaps unsurprisingly critical feedback was doled out in a much higher ratio to women: 58.9% of men’s reviews contained critical feedback, while an overwhelming 87.9% of the reviews received by women did.

Not only did women receive more criticism in their performance reviews, it was less constructive and more personal. For example, the critical feedback men received was mostly geared toward suggestions to develop additional skills:

“There were a few cases where it would have been extremely helpful if you had gone deeper into the details to help move an area forward.”

Women received similar constructive feedback, but they also included the personality criticism such as “watch your tone” and “stop being so judgmental.” For example:

“You can come across as abrasive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to, but you need to pay attention to your tone.”

Abrasive alone was used 17 times to describe 13 different women, but the word never appeared in men’s reviews. In fact, this type of character critique that was absent from men’s reviews showed up in 71 of the 94 critical reviews received by women.

[Deleted]

I've never had a boss call me abrasive, but I have had two separate coworkers call me that. I'm from Michigan but spent the past six years teaching in North Carolina where I frequently felt (and was reminded) that I was a cultural outsider there. One coworker called me an "abrasive Northerner" and one at a different job simply called me abrasive. I spoke to my boss about it the second time, and she just laughed it off and said that, "people need that around here!" She was a "Northerner" too.

Interestingly enough it was female coworkers who called me abrasive both times.

[LoveTrains]

I have never been called abrasive, but I am known to be incredibly up-beat at work no matter how down I feel.

[lasagnasshole]

Aug 29, 2014 8:19:37 GMT -5 @bellakitty said:

Interestingly enough it was female coworkers who called me abrasive both times.

Part of the article that I didn't paste here said that the study found female managers were more critical of female employees than male employees. So there's definitely more going on than just men criticizing women.

[ssmjlm]

Never heard abrasive in a review.

But DH has a very touchy feely type boss and I know his boss has talked to him about his "tone" and the way he comes across in reviews before. They don't exactly get along though b/c his boss has no backbone.

[mmmomof2]

I was called "too intense" once. This was a job where I played on The Nest for at least 6 hours a day. I don't know what they wanted from me. Maybe to take a nap?

To be fair I think they would have given a man the same description. They were a really laid back group.

[ladyk]

I would think "emotional" wouldn't show up in men's reviews as often as it does in women's. I was told by a former male boss that I was too emotional to handle his commerical real estate work. I had only gotten upset to the point of tears 3 times in the 4.5 years I worked there and they were during my XH's deployment and it never happened in front of clients or customers, every time I literally just shut the door to compose myself and then was okay a few minutes later.

[flygirl22]

I had never been criticized for my "assertiveness" until my last manager-who was my manager for about a month. It was so odd too, I was "talked to" for having a pretty heated discussion with a male manager. I was a lead engineer, he was managing our supplier management counterparts. I am CLOSE with this person, we are friends, this is the way we interact. My manager said "what if someone heard you?" Lol! No, sorry, I don't care. 2 weeks later I was promoted to manager..

I always say that this company turned me into a bitch, and also say I have a bitch switch. No one listened to me when I was new, unless I was very very assertive about my position. So sometimes, I really did feel like I wasn't being very nice, it just worked.. Honestly, some people don't like me for it, some people like me because of my ability to be assertive when I need to. I don't really care, if I were a male no one would think anything of it.

As a manager I have coached several men to be less abrasive though.

[thatgirl2478]

Aug 29, 2014 8:31:45 GMT -5 mmmomof2 said:

I was called "too intense" once. This was a job where I played on The Nest for at least 6 hours a day. I don't know what they wanted from me. Maybe to take a nap?

To be fair I think they would have given a man the same description. They were a really laid back group.

Yep, I was called the same thing - though the mgr who mentioned it spun it into a positive by saying that I stood my ground when the situation really called for it (ie, not letting code going to production without testing it in at least 1 real world situation)...

[L]

When I was passed over for a promotion to a first level management position, my feedback was that I "appear standoffish." When I asked for clarification and advice on what I could do to correct that perception, the (female) unit manager got really uncomfortable and then told me that I had bitchface and that I need to smile more. Yeah, I'm pretty sure a man would never be told that.

[lasagnasshole]

Aug 29, 2014 8:55:50 GMT -5 L said:

When I was passed over for a promotion to a first level management position, my feedback was that I "appear standoffish." When I asked for clarification and advice on what I could do to correct that perception, the (female) unit manager got really uncomfortable and then told me that I had bitchface and that I need to smile more. Yeah, I'm pretty sure a man would never be told that.

UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

[heyrebekah]

Aug 29, 2014 8:20:42 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I have never been called abrasive, but I am known to be incredibly up-beat at work no matter how down I feel.

This is me too. Thankfully I don't think any of my reviews have ever focused on my personality, except in a positive light. ETA, I'm also lucky to work in a fairly "female" role.

[h]

I have never been called abrasive in a performance review, but I have been called any number of things that suggest that I was viewed favorably because I wasn't seen as abrasive (I know I have gotten "pleasant", "humble", and "easy to get along with"--humble cracked me up because I so not). While intended as positive feedback, I do wonder if a man would have been called "pleasant."

I have been called abrasive by opposing counsel (and worse) plenty of times. But I interact with adversaries very differently than I interact with colleagues, obviously.

[FishChicks]

I got the "too intense" and "too assertive" from my last boss earlier in my career. In his defense, I am a VERY driven person (i.e., I can be a bitch at times). I realized that although it was a blatantly sexist comment, I worked in a fairly collaborative organization, and I couldn't succeed without being seen as collaborative. I guess it worked for me as I was promoted repeatedly.

[LoveTrains]

Aug 29, 2014 9:29:31 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

Aug 29, 2014 8:20:42 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I have never been called abrasive, but I am known to be incredibly up-beat at work no matter how down I feel.

This is me too. Thankfully I don't think any of my reviews have ever focused on my personality, except in a positive light. ETA, I'm also lucky to work in a fairly "female" role.

My job is one that requires a smile plastered to my face about 99.9% of the time, and I'm really good at faking it. I think its a skill I picked up in high school when I realized that people responded positively to that, versus the darkness that I felt inside.

God that is really depressing typing that out. I seriously do wonder when people will figure out that I am truly a jaded asshole, but I cover it up really well. It is sort of my coping mechanism - fake enthusiasm and energy because otherwise the darkness takes over. 

[heyrebekah]

Aug 29, 2014 10:35:04 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Aug 29, 2014 9:29:31 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

This is me too. Thankfully I don't think any of my reviews have ever focused on my personality, except in a positive light. ETA, I'm also lucky to work in a fairly "female" role.

My job is one that requires a smile plastered to my face about 99.9% of the time, and I'm really good at faking it. I think its a skill I picked up in high school when I realized that people responded positively to that, versus the darkness that I felt inside.

God that is really depressing typing that out. I seriously do wonder when people will figure out that I am truly a jaded asshole, but I cover it up really well. It is sort of my coping mechanism - fake enthusiasm and energy because otherwise the darkness takes over. 

  (hug)

[lasagnasshole]

Aug 29, 2014 10:43:04 GMT -5 @songforyou said:

I'd just love to see this broken down even further, to include race. Lord knows no one gets the "abrasive" descriptor more than a black woman.

I was going to like this, but I wanted to be clear that I was only liking the first sentence.

[imojoebunny]

I have gotten "watch your tone" and "you need to be softer" my whole life. I worked in a male dominated field. I only had one female manager ever (she is "abrasive". We are still great friends 18 years later.).

If I am telling you to cut $10m out of your budget and that your X line item is a bunch of fluff, apparently I should do it in a kindergarten teacher voice with a smile on my face? On the flip side, I am impatient when people spend a lot of time on touchy freely, and don't get down to business. I didn't have this problem when I worked, but now I volunteer a lot, and find it frustrating to go to a meeting and spend a lot of time on "soft discussion" rather than getting the work done.

[crashgizmo]

Aug 29, 2014 10:43:04 GMT -5 @songforyou said:

I'd just love to see this broken down even further, to include race. Lord knows no one gets the "abrasive" descriptor more than a black woman.

I was going to say this as well. In my last job, there was an African American woman who held the same position as me in a different city. We had the same boss, and she used to get the abrasive critique all the time. In reality, I think I am way more abrasive than her, but I never got that. (I'm a white/latina girl). It used to annoy the crap out of me. 

[gogreengowhite]

I've gotten aggressive before.

However this was from the same manager who said I should "be more understanding" when another coworker told me I "didn't know what the fuck you're talking about" because I'm a woman. Ya know, since I'm "educated and he's not" I should just let it roll off my back.

So, I take that with little concern.

[Deleted]

My female boss has reprimanded all of her female for "tone," despite the fact that her tone is consistently awful. I've come to see it as projection.

[froggy76]

I had my mid-year review this morning and it was the first time I felt overt sexism. I recently took over a department for a woman who was laid off because she was seen as too emotional (she was, and it affected her ability to work effectively). I was told this morning that people worried I would be "emotional just like her" when I took over. I've had to be very careful not to be perceived that way.

Just the idea that they worried I would be too emotional really bugged me. If I were male, I don't think that thought would have crossed anyone's mind.

[Brit]

This is such an interesting article. I am one of few females in a leadership role in my organization and I get a lot of feedback (aka constructive criticism) about emotions. As is "acted too cold (towards a person) like it was a transactional experience" or "too emotionally vested" (as in act like you don't care beyond a transactional standpoint). It sometimes makes me feel like Goldilocks, too hot, too cold, never just right.

Admittedly, I tend to be super laid back unless something REALLY gets to me, so maybe it is just me, not my gender.

ETA: It may also have to do with who is giving the feedback. I never experienced this problem until my most current job. Regardless, it is useful for me to understand how others might perceive me. At the end of the day, I will always be female and if I want to progress in my career, I need to understand those perceptions so I can manage how I come off to others.

[Deleted]

It's interesting that I've never really confronted sexism at work until my female boss started.

[lasagnasshole]

Aug 29, 2014 11:48:20 GMT -5 Brit said:

This is such an interesting article. I am one of few females in a leadership role in my organization and I get a lot of feedback (aka constructive criticism) about emotions. As is "acted too cold (towards a person) like it was a transactional experience" or "too emotionally vested" (as in act like you don't care beyond a transactional standpoint). It sometimes makes me feel like Goldilocks, too hot, too cold, never just right.

Admittedly, I tend to be super laid back unless something REALLY gets to me, so maybe it is just me, not my gender.

ETA: It may also have to do with who is giving the feedback. I never experienced this problem until my most current job.

This is why I think it's important that we talk about this stuff. Some of it is may be you (ETA: sorry, didn't mean to say it IS you!), but some of it may be your gender.

What really stuck out to me about this study was the personalization of the criticism toward women.

Men generally don't get criticized for being too cold or too emotional. The criticism focuses on their actual ACTIONS and the RESULTS they get. But for women, we have to both get awesome results and somehow be everyone's ideal image of a woman at the same time. It's frustrating!

[Brit]

Aug 29, 2014 11:51:31 GMT -5 lasagnasshole said:

[It's frustrating!

Yes!!!

[Poppy]

I have been extremely fortunate that I have really only worked for amazing, supportive bosses. I actually think that since I work in a field with relatively young people, and it's male-dominated, that it's been easier for me? Hard to say. I am very deliberate about my tone and trying to be the right amount of assertive (I am fairly meek by nature, so tend to err on the weak side if I'm not intentional about it). My first manager helped coach me quite a bit and really helped me in this regard. Fake it till you make it!

At my last job, I had a female director come sit in my office and introduce herself. She told me a lot of stories about her experiences and she said she thinks that women are hardest on one another and often really keep each other down. She said she makes a concerted effort to build other women up. I'm grateful that she took the time to talk with me about it and it's caused me to evaluate my own interactions with other women.

My other anecdote is that my husband has told me about several situations at his work where he has been excessively abrasive (IMO) and he gets away with it, never hearing "abrasive" on his reviews, but rather being considered for leadership roles.

[lasagnasshole]

Aug 29, 2014 11:54:55 GMT -5 Poppy said:

My other anecdote is that my husband has told me about several situations at his work where he has been excessively abrasive (IMO) and he gets away with it, never hearing "abrasive" on his reviews, but rather being considered for leadership roles.

In case anyone missed it.

This is the "double bind."

If women aren't assertive, we are passed over for leadership roles. But when we are assertive, we need to watch our tone.

Meanwhile men do whatever fuck they want and are applauded!

HARPY RAGE ACTIVATE!

[mollybrown]

Yes, yes, yes. This is all true for me. And I actually prefer male managers based on my experience. I've never gotten the word abrasive, but I have gotten the same concept. I believe I was told verbally that I can be intimidating, which everyone that actually knows me finds ridiculous. I have lots of ideas and opinions that I like to share, and that either works out great in an environment where they actually want employees to improve processes and drive change, or badly when they don't. Doesn't matter that I'm open minded and don't mind if my idea isn't supported...just speaking up too often has been a negative at at least one of my jobs.

The most ridiculous feedback I actually received in a written review was that I didn't "share enough of myself" with my co-workers. This was in an environment that was all women with one exception. There was a peer review portion, and rather than ask the people that clearly knew me in the office (i.e. the person I carpooled with or the people I hung out with outside of work), they asked 2 random co-workers who I would NEVER share my personal business with. I was dinged for not talking about my personal life with enough people in the office. This is also the boss that criticized me for taking my husband's last name when I got married and , and for not being a vegetarian.

[Poppy]

Aug 29, 2014 11:56:44 GMT -5 lasagnasshole said:

Aug 29, 2014 11:54:55 GMT -5 Poppy said:

My other anecdote is that my husband has told me about several situations at his work where he has been excessively abrasive (IMO) and he gets away with it, never hearing "abrasive" on his reviews, but rather being considered for leadership roles.

In case anyone missed it.

This is the "double bind."

If women aren't assertive, we are passed over for leadership roles. But when we are assertive, we need to watch our tone.

Meanwhile men do whatever fuck they want and are applauded!

HARPY RAGE ACTIVATE!

I know. I have literally jaw-dropped at him, "I can't believe you said that!" and he shrugs it off. It's really changed my perspective on this.