by Meagan Francis on September 12, 2014 Gustav_Klimt_016
Friends, it’s time for me to get real with you.
I admit it: I’ve been holding back. When readers have asked how my husband and I have kept our marriage strong through 17 years, divorce, remarriage, and five children, I’ve mostly talked about the emotional stuff: respect, partnership, friendship, forgiveness, support, trust; and the practical stuff, like strategies for making time for each other in the hustle of parenting.
And yes, all of that is important.
But, due to my shyness when it comes to talking publicly about certain private things, I haven’t shared a big, crucial part of the puzzle.
And I’ve done you all a disservice, because while friendship, partnership, respect, and trust are critical to a great marriage, there’s another reason my marriage is solid, close, and fun even with how chaotic our lives can be and how much we’ve been through: We have sex.
Not only that, but – oh golly, I can’t believe I’m writing this on my blog –
We have a lot of sex.
This didn’t happen by accident, or because we are just two nympho fiends who can’t keep our clothes on.
Yes, like most young couples we went through a period where we barely left the bedroom. But then life happened, and children happened, and hormone shifts from carrying and nursing babies happened, and exhaustion happened.
And at some point, all that early-on intensity waned.
Like many couples, we went through several periods where I wasn’t interested, which made him feel needy, which made me feel annoyed, which made him feel rejected, and so on and so forth: the predictable downward no-sex spiral I know many of you understand so well.
At some point it became clear that, if we were going to continue to have a strong sex life, we were going to have to actively work to make that happen.
And we needed to do that. Because let’s be clear, here: sex matters. You may have forgotten that if you’re in the middle of a hormone-induced dry spell, but as a friend of mine often says, “sex makes everything better.”
In addition to the obvious physical benefits, it’s an opportunity to connect. To work through tensions and hit the reset button. It’s good for you.
And while your definition of “enough” and your partner’s definition of “enough” may never fully jive, it’s worth putting in the effort to find a compromise. Because satisfying, regular sex is something couples really need. So here are my tips for getting your groove back…in the sack:
1) Do the sex. Even if you don’t want to. Just do. the. sex.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but in my experience, lack of sex just makes the sex grow staler (and ever-less frequent.) Sometimes, jump-starting after a hiatus will require you to do it even though you really, really don’t want to.
So take one for the team this time around and just do it. And do it again tomorrow and the next day until you suddenly realize that you actually want to. And that the more you do the sex, the more sex you want. It’s crazy how that works, but it really, really works.
In fact, once you get in the habit of getting horizontal regularly, you may find that your previous definition of “enough” wasn’t even close to enough.
If you’re in a place where your desire is so low you just can’t imagine doing it even once, let alone several times each week, try this: allow yourself to be convinced.
Be honest with your spouse and say you aren’t sure you’re up for it tonight, but maybe you could get started and see where it gets you. Often a little making out (I just can’t bring myself to use the word “foreplay” seriously, sorry guys) will remind you that you do have sexual urges, after all. And the intimacy will be good for you either way.
2) Dress (or undress?) the part.
I never used to really make the connection between what I wore to bed and the likelihood that I’d be taking it off again any time soon, but after a while I realized that wearing a ratty, oversized t-shirt or big, floppy sweats to bed did nothing for my libido.
It makes sense, right? Desire starts in the brain, and what you wear to bed definitely influences what you’re thinking about what might happen there. Plus, having a little skin touching the sheets just puts you in a more sensual frame of mind.
Since I’ve started putting more effort into my sleepwear, it’s been so much easier to make the mental shift from “tired mom” to “sexy lady.”
To me it’s not about dressing in something hot so your man gets turned on, though that’s a nice byproduct. It’s more the psychological effects of wearing an outfit that seems to scream, “NEVER MIIIND” as opposed to one that says, “SURE, SOUNDS FUN!”
There’s a time and place for everything, but I’m not suggesting you deck yourself out in a lace teddy every night if that’s not your thing. Just put a little thought into what you wear to bed. Anything comfy and flattering and maybe a teeny bit racy will work.
My favorite nightwear is actually just a tank top and undies – it’s a good look for me and reveals enough skin to remind myself that I’m in the game.
Sleeping in the buff or just a nice pair of hipsters never seems to go unnoticed (or unappreciated) either.
And this is a good time to remind you that, if you are still wearing old maternity underwear from two pregnancies ago, you can go drop $20 for 5 pair of cute, well-fitted undies at Target right now. IT’S WORTH IT. 3) Look outside your bedroom for inspiration.
When you’re so far from being in the mood that you can’t even remember what it feels like to be in the mood, consuming some explicit media can often jump-start desire. Reading erotica or a romance novel might do the trick (or you could just read that one scene in Outlander a few times) but movies are even easier and you can watch them together. Don’t believe what you’ve always heard about how men are more visual creatures – women definitely respond to sexy images, and watching a smutty flick together might just set things in motion. 4) Rethink the pre-bedtime sex sched.
When do most couples naturally think about having sex? Right before they go to sleep. When do moms tend to be the most tired, cranky, and touched-out? Yep, right before we go to sleep. Exhaustion is not much of an aphrodisiac, so it’s no wonder many parents can’t seem to work up the energy to get busy at 10 PM.
The good news is that we’ve got 24 hours a day, and chances are good that there are opportunities in there that you aren’t even considering. Like early morning. Or lunchtime, if you can make your schedules jive. Or after dinner.
Here’s the thing: if you have multiple children and you’re waiting for them all to be fully asleep for the night before you ever have sex, you aren’t going to have much sex.
So do what parents of large families have already figured out – put on a movie, tell them you need to “have a grown-up talk,” lock the bedroom or bathroom door, and take your pants off.
5) Be kind to your body.
I know, this one’s easier said than done. But if you feel badly about the way you look naked, you are not going to be eager to get out of your clothes.
Body image, especially the post-pregnancy mom-body image, is a complex issue and not one that I can really do justice to in this post; but exercise, focusing on what I like about myself, and regarding my body as a healthy, sexy whole (rather than just a collection of imperfect parts) have helped me.
You know what else helps? Having more sex. Because it’s really hard not to see yourself as desirable when looking at yourself through the eyes of someone who desires you. 6) If you have a baby or toddler, just do what you can and hang in there.
You’re in the thick of it. Your hormones are flipping out, you probably aren’t sleeping well, and you’ve got a little person climbing all over your body and possibly using you for sustenance all day and night. A lack of desire so complete that you wonder if you will ever want to have sex again is totally normal right now, and no, it’s not a death sentence for your future sex life.
It won’t last forever.
For now, do all of the above and see where it gets you. Even if you aren’t exactly insatiable any time soon, putting all the pieces into place now will allow you to jump back into a sexy place when you’re ready.
Because take it from this mom of five: no matter how you feel now, one day, you’ll be ready again. I promise.
Our problem is totally this: "Like many couples, we went through several periods where I wasn’t interested, which made him feel needy, which made me feel annoyed, which made him feel rejected, and so on and so forth: the predictable downward no-sex spiral I know many of you understand so well."
No sex makes him cranky. A cranky husband makes me want to have nothing to do with him, let alone have sex. It can get bad.
Maybe TMI, but I've just clued DH into the appeal of a quickie. I'm too busy and tired to devote 30-45 to sex 4 times a week, but if it's 10 minutes, it's likely to happen a lot more often!
I need to up the sexy time. It's just DH seems to be hitting every button here lately, but I know we'll both be in better moods if we just do it.
When we're particularly cranky with each other, I usually stop and think about it and realize it's been a while since we've done it. There's definitely a correlation.
Also, yes to the not before bed sex! I am so tired I can barely read 2 pages before I conk out. I definitely need morning or naptime sex.
I need to up the sexy time. It's just DH seems to be hitting every button here lately, but I know we'll both be in better moods if we just do it.
When we're particularly cranky with each other, I usually stop and think about it and realize it's been a while since we've done it. There's definitely a correlation.
Also, yes to the not before bed sex! I am so tired I can barely read 2 pages before I conk out. I definitely need morning or naptime sex.
We just had sex this weekend.
But then he got mad at me b/c I can't decide what new phone to get. And he's been cranky ever since.
I wish these posts validated me, but it's usually me who is getting rejected. And it is already a deviation in what's comfortable for me to ask. I don't even want sex that often. Maybe twice a month would be enough? But I would like to feel desired and have that connection time. I've only had DH tell me he's interested once in the last sixteen months.
I totally get the wanting him to want you thing. MH basically stopped initiating after we had our first child. It was very hurtful. We were only having sex every few months when I initiated. I finally had a talk with him recently and said he needs to initiate because when he doesn't - ever - it does a number on my self esteem. He has made an effort lately and despite the craziness of two demanding full time jobs and two little kids, our relationship is much better. Sex is probably the best measure of how our relationship is going. I hope we can keep it up.
Post by cincodemayo on Sept 17, 2014 10:09:39 GMT -5
We have a definite correlation between arguing and the amount of sex we have. Once DS was about 6 months old we got into this awesome groove, better than before we got married even. And we were so happy! I went on a girls trip and was practically gushing over H, which is not like me, LOL.
Then life happened and we both got busy with work and now it's been 3 weeks + again. We are nitpicking eachother and neither wants to do it even though we both know we need to.
Our problem is totally this: "Like many couples, we went through several periods where I wasn’t interested, which made him feel needy, which made me feel annoyed, which made him feel rejected, and so on and so forth: the predictable downward no-sex spiral I know many of you understand so well."
No sex makes him cranky. A cranky husband makes me want to have nothing to do with him, let alone have sex. It can get bad.
I was going to quote this exact same line. This is exactly what I was doing.
I'm still a work in progress, but I am making a much bigger effort to do it regularly and we're back up to 2x per week instead of 3 or 4 times a month. DH is a much nicer person for it, and has been much more loving and affectionate to me outside of the bedroom. I'm giving him what he needs, and he's giving me what I need now. It's SO much better.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 17, 2014 10:22:47 GMT -5
This is a major problem right now, exacerbated by the fact that my arm is in the sling. So it's not even on the table.
For us, the post partum body issues are huge. I feel bad about myself and my husband is not as attracted to me. Not by a long shot. It sucks. I don't get all the rainbows about husbands loving you anyway and overlooking the flaws. Great, if your DH functions that way. Mine doesn't and I can't blame him. But I did tell him he would have to get over the flaws for now b/c I can't work out w/this sling, and I pushed a 9+ pound person out of me 7 months ago.
This is a major problem right now, exacerbated by the fact that my arm is in the sling. So it's not even on the table.
For us, the post partum body issues are huge. I feel bad about myself and my husband is not as attracted to me. Not by a long shot. It sucks. I don't get all the rainbows about husbands loving you anyway and overlooking the flaws. Great, if your DH functions that way. Mine doesn't and I can't blame him. But I did tell him he would have to get over the flaws for now b/c I can't work out w/this sling, and I pushed a 9+ pound person out of me 7 months ago.
Lingerie was hugely helpful to me feeling more attractive (and also in being more attractive). A little camouflage in black lace can be a great thing.
Our problem is totally this: "Like many couples, we went through several periods where I wasn’t interested, which made him feel needy, which made me feel annoyed, which made him feel rejected, and so on and so forth: the predictable downward no-sex spiral I know many of you understand so well."
No sex makes him cranky. A cranky husband makes me want to have nothing to do with him, let alone have sex. It can get bad.
Maybe TMI, but I've just clued DH into the appeal of a quickie. I'm too busy and tired to devote 30-45 to sex 4 times a week, but if it's 10 minutes, it's likely to happen a lot more often!
Ten minutes is a quickie?! That's our normal duration. LOL
Post by gibbinator on Sept 17, 2014 10:52:22 GMT -5
Our babies have a built in alarm that tells them their parents are thinking dirty thoughts. We got interrupted so many times when ds1 was a baby that we just gave up after a while. Considering ds2 started crying the one time we started making out since he was born, I expect similar frustrations for the next year.
I'm also kind of glad that dh isn't particularly attracted to pregnant me. It made avoiding does-nothing-for-me sex for the last two months of pregnancy a lot easier.
I know this isn't for me anyway, but I'm still traumatized by our pg sex. I sorta don't want to believe I ever have to have sex again.
I get her point, but I find the "have sex even if you don't want to" language problematic.
If, long term, I want to stay married, I need to have sex.
That might sound cold, but I know it's true. If I went home today and said to DH "we're never going to have sex again", it would be the beginning of the end for us. We've gotten through the post-birth stages of our relationship and he's always been patient and realistic, but if I'm going to deny him something he needs from our relationship just because I don't have much game right now... it's not good for us.
This is a major problem right now, exacerbated by the fact that my arm is in the sling. So it's not even on the table.
For us, the post partum body issues are huge. I feel bad about myself and my husband is not as attracted to me. Not by a long shot. It sucks. I don't get all the rainbows about husbands loving you anyway and overlooking the flaws. Great, if your DH functions that way. Mine doesn't and I can't blame him. But I did tell him he would have to get over the flaws for now b/c I can't work out w/this sling, and I pushed a 9+ pound person out of me 7 months ago.
Lingerie was hugely helpful to me feeling more attractive (and also in being more attractive). A little camouflage in black lace can be a great thing.
This reminds me that I should find and pack some for the weekend - DD's sharing the grandparents' room!
I know this isn't for me anyway, but I'm still traumatized by our pg sex. I sorta don't want to believe I ever have to have sex again.
I get her point, but I find the "have sex even if you don't want to" language problematic.
If, long term, I want to stay married, I need to have sex.
That might sound cold, but I know it's true. If I went home today and said to DH "we're never going to have sex again", it would be the beginning of the end for us. We've gotten through the post-birth stages of our relationship and he's always been patient and realistic, but if I'm going to deny him something he needs from our relationship just because I don't have much game right now... it's not good for us.
I'll throw this in here - I don't think our puritanical society helps (not in 'merica anyway). You're taught that sex is taboo and bad, and control, etc., etc. It's pretty important for a healthy relationship, otherwise you're just roomates.
I know this isn't for me anyway, but I'm still traumatized by our pg sex. I sorta don't want to believe I ever have to have sex again.
I get her point, but I find the "have sex even if you don't want to" language problematic.
I think it's true; not that you should EVER be pressured into doing it, but think a minute before you automatically say no, or initiate even if you're not feeling like it. There's a real difference between that and where your thoughts lead, I think.
Post by shaynaatl on Sept 17, 2014 11:00:11 GMT -5
I actually just asked DH last night if we are ever going to have sex again. Little one is 6 months old now and we haven't tried at all since she arrived. He is terrible about initiating and he knows it (this was an issue for us pre-baby also).
Ten minutes is a quickie?! That's our normal duration. LOL
And here I was thinking "4 times a week?!?" lol
For the record, it's never 4 times a week (though I think DH would be down with that), but we've been closer to a consistent 2-3. And 10 minutes includes foreplay.
I think these are all good things to remember. However, do guys get articles like this aimed at them? It just gets frustrating that the woman is supposed to remember to suck it up and do it but, as evidenced here, plenty of husbands could also be doing more. For example, how many here have said that if their DH helps clean up the kitchen/pick up after the kids go to bed, the wife is more likely to be interested so where is the blog telling men "Hey, help your wife around the house and you are more likely to get laid" or "Your wife likely feels really down about her pp body, tell her she's beautiful (and mean it) and you are more likely to get laid!"
My husband doesn't exactly spend time on message boards talking about this shit, though. Nor does he really read relationship blogs. He knows exactly what you just wrote because I open my mouth and say it to him. People don't write it a ton on the internet because it doesn't generate blog hits.