I know this isn't for me anyway, but I'm still traumatized by our pg sex. I sorta don't want to believe I ever have to have sex again.
I get her point, but I find the "have sex even if you don't want to" language problematic.
If, long term, I want to stay married, I need to have sex.
That might sound cold, but I know it's true. If I went home today and said to DH "we're never going to have sex again", it would be the beginning of the end for us. We've gotten through the post-birth stages of our relationship and he's always been patient and realistic, but if I'm going to deny him something he needs from our relationship just because I don't have much game right now... it's not good for us.
I'm in the same boat as you, @tokenhoser. We've had sex approximately 3 times in the past 7.5 months since DS was born, maybe 3 times the whole time I was pregnant, and maybe once a month before then for the past few years. Twice a month if DH was exceptionally lucky.
We've had multiple talks about how this hurts our relationship, he needs to feel wanted and connected to me, it's an important part of our marriage for him. He's been incredibly patient but sometimes I know he gets annoyed but doesn't want to say anything. But I just can't make myself want it, honestly I think I could just give it up forever, it's not something that I NEED. But he does. And if I told him I never wanted to have sex again, I really think that would be the catalyst that would end our marriage.
Post by leonard131 on Sept 17, 2014 11:57:59 GMT -5
It is interesting to see so many in the same boat. I agree we are crankier with each other when there is less sex but some time I am just not feeling it. Night time is out- either morning or naptime.
Also, about every 6-8 months like clock work H starts to get moody and pouty and wants to have a chat about our sex life. I think the way he goes about it just turns me off. Just freaking say what is on your mind and don't get all "huffy and puffy" about it- makes me desire you less.
I'm rather proud of myself for having had sex one whole time already since DS was born. That's about a 3 month head start on when I first had sex after DD was born. It helps immensely that I didn't tear during labor this time and that I leave the house regularly. (Go figure- sitting inside all day with a baby for days on end kills your sex drive.)
I've been married for 11.5yrs & 4 kids and while it's ebbed & flowed, we generally do do these things. However lately we've been doing the Sat/Sun afternoon thing while the kids watch TV and I'm not a huge fan. I'm paranoid they'll interrupt and then DH is tired & needs a nap after...annoying. I wish we could just do at night after the kids go to sleep...and I'll admit the fact that my H falls asleep on the couch most nights within 1/2hr of them going to bed makes me pretty pissed. Yes, he knows this as I'm not one to hold in feelings. Not only do we not have sex, I talk to basically no adults (other than here) all day most days. And I'm the one getting up at 4:30am for the day with DD4, not him so morning sex is out. I guess I just need to hang in there until DD4 finally finishes teething & sleeps decent.
Our problem is totally this: "Like many couples, we went through several periods where I wasn’t interested, which made him feel needy, which made me feel annoyed, which made him feel rejected, and so on and so forth: the predictable downward no-sex spiral I know many of you understand so well."
No sex makes him cranky. A cranky husband makes me want to have nothing to do with him, let alone have sex. It can get bad.
This is where we are. I have zero desire while nursing two babies. He is very cranky with the lack of sex and keeps talking about sex in general nonstop (not having any, when we will have more, things to try when we do, times he liked it etc) which in turn is irritating me to no end because, like I said, I have zero desire. I have got to just make myself do it more at this point.
We've negotiated a twice a week schedule (wed and sun). In exchange, he doesn't pressure me the other 5 days a week and I always say yes on those two days.
It's so unromantic, but it's better than waiting for me to be in the mood (which is still pretty much never).
- for reproductive goals - while pregnant - while nursing
And points one and three combined.
Once we are done making babies and nursing, we need a sexaction.
And pregnancy does not put me in the mood.
This is me! We started ttc in 2010, got pregnant in 2011, had j 2012, nursed until I was 8 weeks pregnant again in 2013, and am now nursing again. I am looking forward to "normal" sex.
We've negotiated a twice a week schedule (wed and sun). In exchange, he doesn't pressure me the other 5 days a week and I always say yes on those two days.
It's so unromantic, but it's better than waiting for me to be in the mood (which is still pretty much never).
I wish my h would go for this! Like I said, the incessant sex talk and attempts annoy me right now. I'd rather agree to certain times and have some peace/space the rest.
We've negotiated a twice a week schedule (wed and sun). In exchange, he doesn't pressure me the other 5 days a week and I always say yes on those two days.
It's so unromantic, but it's better than waiting for me to be in the mood (which is still pretty much never).
I wish my h would go for this! Like I said, the incessant sex talk and attempts annoy me right now. I'd rather agree to certain times and have some peace/space the rest.
Toss it out there next time he annoys you? We were in the habit pre-DD. Then we weren't and it annoyed us both. Current peace treaty was the result of a slightly tense "we never do it" vs "stop hitting on me 24/7" conversation.
So do what parents of large families have already figured out – put on a movie, tell them you need to “have a grown-up talk,” lock the bedroom or bathroom door, and take your pants off.
We do this, especially on lazy weekend mornings or afternoons.
Also, LOL at "reading that one scene in Outlander" because I'm currently reading (and watching) the series. Between that and watching GoT, we have been busy!
So do what parents of large families have already figured out – put on a movie, tell them you need to “have a grown-up talk,” lock the bedroom or bathroom door, and take your pants off.
We do this, especially on lazy weekend mornings or afternoons.
Also, LOL at "reading that one scene in Outlander" because I'm currently reading (and watching) the series. Between that and watching GoT, we have been busy!
I'm reading and watching, too! So far there hasn't been much sex in the show or the books, but that's ok. I'm not reading it for that reason.
This is such an interesting read - and right on target with what's been weighing heavily on my mind. We're in a rut, but then my drive was always lower than H's.
And I've recently started to admit to myself - this "lower drive" has almost always been the case over our relationship, and quite frankly - it was never the case with my prior SO's - I was always happy to "twist the sheets."
I'm finding since baby (well, actually since halfway through pregnancy) I'm particularly not attracted to my DH. Agh - this is weird to even type out. He's a great man, objectively attractive (probably not my traditional 'type' - but he never was, so that's on me), caring & loving and a good father. And he's really into me - even though my body hasn't recovered (by a long shot) from baby.
I know a lot of it is on me - taking care of myself again, improving my self image, etc - and that marriage is going to ebb and flow - and you gotta hold on through the "ebbs." I'm not unhappy - but I'm having faith that it'll be an upswing at a point, too.
That said - I do commit to a once a week sack session - and often dread it (always a weekend night for us), but once we get going I have fun and it's 20 mins to make my DH a happy man...I'm trying to work up to fully committing to twice a week, but it's not easy.
That was a lot of garbled stream of consciousness - but it feels good to admit/say it.
Uninitiated morning sex last Saturday and I was shocked. He's usually quick to jump out if bed in the morning and we've had AM sex like, under 10 times in our entire marriage.
This post is very helpful - anytime a confessions thread came up, I'd think of confessing how long it took for DH and I to have sex after having DS and I thought it would be met with a record scratch.... It's nice to see that we're not the only ones that took a while (and still is) to get into a groove after baby.
While I think it's great to remind men of their role in this problem, I honestly think (at least in my relationship) that it's 90% my problem.
I used to love sex. We did it all the time. The only way we went a week or longer was if we were physically separated. The only thing that changed in our relationship was my level of interest. It's not my DH's fault that my hormones are on the fritz and I can't focus because the kids don't STTN. I am the one that is different now. We've now met halfway and it's working out for both of us.
I look forward to the day I won't have to put it on the weekend's to-do list to remember.
This post is very helpful - anytime a confessions thread came up, I'd think of confessing how long it took for DH and I to have sex after having DS and I thought it would be met with a record scratch.... It's nice to see that we're not the only ones that took a while (and still is) to get into a groove after baby.
I waited way longer than 6 weeks, LOL. I think DD was like 4.5 months old before we tried, and it hurt. That was the only attempt for quiiiittteee a while. And we were finally getting back into a groove once she was 1+, and now I'm pregnant again, and I think we've done it exactly twice since I've been pregnant because I'm so sick. Poor DH.
We do this, especially on lazy weekend mornings or afternoons.
Also, LOL at "reading that one scene in Outlander" because I'm currently reading (and watching) the series. Between that and watching GoT, we have been busy!
I'm reading and watching, too! So far there hasn't been much sex in the show or the books, but that's ok. I'm not reading it for that reason.
This is such an interesting read - and right on target with what's been weighing heavily on my mind. We're in a rut, but then my drive was always lower than H's.
And I've recently started to admit to myself - this "lower drive" has almost always been the case over our relationship, and quite frankly - it was never the case with my prior SO's - I was always happy to "twist the sheets."
I'm finding since baby (well, actually since halfway through pregnancy) I'm particularly not attracted to my DH. Agh - this is weird to even type out. He's a great man, objectively attractive (probably not my traditional 'type' - but he never was, so that's on me), caring & loving and a good father. And he's really into me - even though my body hasn't recovered (by a long shot) from baby.
You're not alone in that. Both times I was pregnant I found dh to almost be repulsive by third trimester, which made committing to occasional sexy time even more unpleasant. It's weird because my drive doesn't go away, just my attraction to dh. Poor guy. My hormones are a little more forgiving when I'm breastfeeding, but I know it'll still take a conscious effort to get in the mood once I'm healed enough to attempt it.
Post by aspentosh on Sept 17, 2014 15:38:14 GMT -5
This article hits the nail on the head for me. I am exhausted at night but that's really the "best" time to try for us because DD will not leave us alone to do it while she's awake. We try to head upstairs earlier than when we want to sleep, but we always get sucked into something else. And if I say no, he feels rejected and gets snippy (sometimes), and then we bicker. A lot.
H initiates regularly and I almost always say no. Yet when I do say "yes", it's always AWESOME and I am left thinking "why don't I say yes more?!". It's so backwards.
I am just not a sexual person (as in I don't long for it) but I really enjoy it and I know he does, so I really just need to make it a priority. I have found that if we go for the quickie I am up for it more.