Can I unload? Update

[Deleted]

Can your brother keep helping her? Does he live closer?

[shopgirl07]

For the short-term, I think you should hire a home health aide who can bring her to appointments and help with cooking and errands.

[Deleted]

Bummer. I like the idea of moving some stuff into storage.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice, but I can offer a hug and sympathy  (hug2)

[Captain Serious]

I don't know if this is true, but I've heard most hoarders hate to be away from their stuff. If that's the case, she may not be able to tolerate living with you. Can she get a health aide? Are there senior/disabled buses or shuttles that can take her to appointments?

[compassrose]

That's such a hard situation. I don't have a good solution, other than rescheduling her appointments to be within a short block of time, and she could stay with you for a few weeks outside of that? I understand that might be a less than practical suggestion though.

[karmasabiotch]

Does she have insurance? Can a Dr Rx a home health aide? Can she afford to hire a driver?

[Captain Serious]

Sept 19, 2014 8:09:07 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Sept 19, 2014 8:07:13 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

For the short-term, I think you should hire a home health aide who can bring her to appointments and help with cooking and errands.

Stupid question, but how do you find one? She has Medicare -- do you think something like this would be covered?

I don't know if she would let someone in her house though.

I'm sorry, but at this point, I think you may have to use tough love. Either she let's a home health worker in and/or ours some stuff in storage/cleans out, or she'll have to move to a retirement home. I don't mean to sound heartless, but the way she's living is harming her health.

Have you considered urging her to sell mental health treatment? That might be the best solution, long term.

[shopgirl07]

Sept 19, 2014 8:09:07 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Sept 19, 2014 8:07:13 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

For the short-term, I think you should hire a home health aide who can bring her to appointments and help with cooking and errands.

Stupid question, but how do you find one? She has Medicare -- do you think something like this would be covered?

I don't know if she would let someone in her house though.

I don't think it would be covered by insurance. But I imagine she'll need PT and OT after a broken ankle and often times, that's done in the home and coordinated by a home health agency. Her primary care or ortho physician can call in an order and set-up services with a local home health agency. They'll send a nurse out and the PTs and OTs as needed. You can request that she also have an aide through the same agency. But the agency will do a complete evaluation of her health and make recommendations from there.

[Captain Serious]

It's not about you forcing her into a retirement home, it's about laying the options or for her and showing her that those really are the only ways she can live healthily. She can't go on the way she is.

[Captain Serious]

I'm so sorry. I know how difficult it can be when dealing with parents as they age and fear giving up any of their freedom or self-sufficiency.

I often wonder when I'm going to have some hard confrontations with my dad about similar things.

[bittybomb]

I am so sorry.

For the short term, I agree with the recommendation for a home health aide.  My mom has one, and she has been a Godsend. 

For a longer term solution, do you think she would consider moving closer to you?  And establishing herself as a patient with new doctors in your area?  It may also be a good opportunity to go through her stuff. 

I know how hard it is to basically parent your parents. 

[bittybomb]

Sept 19, 2014 8:21:03 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Thank you everyone for all the ideas. I can't afford to hire a health aide, but I'll have to see if there is some kind of shuttle service she can qualify for. I found a Meals-on-Wheels type program that provides short-term assistance. Maybe that can help too.

We now pay my mother's aide out of pocket, but she was initially paid by my mother's health insurance.  Perhaps you can look into that?

Also, we have a car service here (Access A Ride) that will take people to their doctors' appointments.

I would also check into any local religious organizations.  I know my parish (I'm RC) has a ton of volunteers who help people in the area in need do just about anything they need help with. 

Good luck

[bittybomb]

Sept 19, 2014 8:17:14 GMT -5 tillie said:

Sept 19, 2014 8:10:18 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

This is a good idea too -- thank you! She's on disability, so I'm assuming she must qualify for some kind of shuttle. She lives in a pretty populated suburban area, so there must be something like this.

  Unfortunately, Home Health Aides, are not usually covered under any insurance.  The only time anyone is really covered is for visiting nurses, etc. for medical reasons only  - not for what they call "custodial care."

We had good luck with Care.com for my mom, and then (by the grace of God) a friend of mine was looking for something like this and now takes my mom out.  They have become BFFs, lol.

Craigslist is a nightmare - it will take a long time to weed through people, but it is an option as well.

I am sorry you are all going through this.  I know how difficult it is!

But in this case, she broke her foot?  I imagine that should qualify.  At least for 4 to 6 weeks.

I also second Care.com.  I have found a couple of good babysitters on there.

[speckledfrog]

Sept 19, 2014 8:27:35 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

It's not about you forcing her into a retirement home, it's about laying the options or for her and showing her that those really are the only ways she can live healthily. She can't go on the way she is.

You can't tough love somebody out of their mental health problems.

[sparkythelawyer]

You may be able to take A time to help your Mom. Talk to HR.

[Deleted]

Aww, I'm sorry, what a tough situation to be in.

The social services department at the hospital where she was diagnosed should be able to give you some options. If she was in the hospital alone and she said she lives at home with no problems, they probably had no reason to suspect that she might need some extra help to set up services. Obviously no one can force her to do anything, but often times patients on assistance are offered short stays in patient or out patient rehab after being evaluated and those might be an option to make sure she is safe.

I hope you can find something that fits her needs.

[sparkythelawyer]

Your county may also have an office on elderly affairs/aging that could point you in the direction of some resources.

[CrazyLucky]

Sept 19, 2014 8:09:07 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Sept 19, 2014 8:07:13 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

For the short-term, I think you should hire a home health aide who can bring her to appointments and help with cooking and errands.

Stupid question, but how do you find one? She has Medicare -- do you think something like this would be covered?

I don't know if she would let someone in her house though.

My mom has a home health aide who comes for 3 hours every day.  Besides helping with things like making sure she takes her medicine, she also does light housework, like laundry or dishes.  This has been a lifesaver for my poor dad.  She's 70, and I don't know if she had Medicare or Medicaid, but I know it pays for the worker.
Separate from that, NJ has something called Access Link.  It will pick up a person who needs to go to a doctor appt, and then drop them back off at home.  My mom is completely disabled, so they also help her up the stairs and bring in her wheelchair.  She only has to take it once in a while when my dad is unavailable, but boy does she bitch about it.  The drivers are nasty, they don't know where they're going, they're supposed to be here at x time and got here at x time + 10 minutes.  But the important thing is that she gets to the doctor's appts on time.

[bugandbibs]

Talk to the hospital social worker. They should help you come up with a plan.

[bittybomb]

Sept 19, 2014 8:09:07 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Sept 19, 2014 8:07:13 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

For the short-term, I think you should hire a home health aide who can bring her to appointments and help with cooking and errands.

Stupid question, but how do you find one? She has Medicare -- do you think something like this would be covered?

I don't know if she would let someone in her house though.

My mom has Medicare, and hers was covered initially.  Her doctor did have to do the referral bit to get it all approved.

My mom also does not like anyone in her house.  But she knew she needed an aide, at least for part of the time, so she caved.  And when insurance stopped paying, she picked the one she liked the best and asked her if she would like to continue on privately.  She comes only a few hours a day and will help my mom shower and get dressed, changes the sheets, does some laundry, and makes her something to eat.  She'll also do some light housework. She's great and now she and my mom are even "friends."

[kitty63]

Sept 19, 2014 9:27:51 GMT -5 bugandbibs said:

Talk to the hospital social worker. They should help you come up with a plan.

I second this and I would try to make sure they know the whole picture with your mother. She probably isn't super up front about the condition of her house but they should know what a risk it could pose for her. Sounds like a tough situation, good luck!

[Deleted]

I'd recommend talking to Adult Protective Services. They may be able to offer help, both in the form of suggestions and financially.

[pbutter]

I have no advice, but just wanted to say sorry you're dealing with this. You're a good daughter.

[jane6672]

I don't have advice, Evelyn, I just want to say I'm sorry and that you are doing a good job.

[tripleshot]

I'm sorry she's treating you like that. However, do not let her make you feel guilty for anything. Go on the trip with your husband and enjoy it. Your marriage is more important right now. Hugs

[shopgirl07]

I'm really sorry. Go to the Outer Banks and enjoy yourself. I know firsthand how difficult it is to have a sick parent, you really need to take care of yourself and your mental Heath first. Especially when the parent is not receptive to the help they need.

[spankswife]

You need to take the week with your husband. Not only for your marriage but your own sanity. Can you arrange that your brother takes care if her that week, and you'll get the next? Chances are she will probably be sitting home most of the time anyway.

Also, is it possible you can just not even tell her, just sat it's your brothers week because you are busy? Otherwise say you already had plans that can't be cancelled.

[compassrose]

Sept 21, 2014 7:04:45 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Sept 21, 2014 6:57:51 GMT -5 spankswife said:

You need to take the week with your husband. Not only for your marriage but your own sanity. Can you arrange that your brother takes care if her that week, and you'll get the next? Chances are she will probably be sitting home most of the time anyway.

Also, is it possible you can just not even tell her, just sat it's your brothers week because you are busy? Otherwise say you already had plans that can't be cancelled.

No, she knows I'm on vacation that week and that we weren't planning on going away initially. She can't stay with my brother, unfortunately. He lives in a studio apartment and there's no room.

If you told her your marriage needs it, would she understand?
I don't think pp was suggesting she stay with your brother, rather than he drive down to check on her that weekend and you take the next.
Did you find some kind of aide or meal service for during the week?

[spankswife]

It's like ripping off a bandaid. Set it up for your brother to help her, then tell her he will be taking care of her Bc you are getting away for a few days. Period, end of story.

It sucks but you'll get over it. She might not, but you know what, you make your bed, you lie in it. It's not your responsibility that her life is the way it is. If you have set up adequate care for her, then you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Bring down a few frozen casseroles and some cereal for the week. She'll be fine. It's a broken foot.

[cville]

She's going to be miserable and find ways to shift blame to you for her problems whether or not you go on vacation. If you jump through nine hoops, she will just find a tenth. May as well visit the beach and spend much needed time with your husband, no need to give any reason other than this is your last opportunity for a vacation until next year. Your brother can respond to emergencies this week.

I don't have any advice about how to handle the logistics of caring for her, but you should go on your vacation. And think hard about whether she is competent and talk over with your brother the legal options.

Eta: I may sound like an ass here, but I saw what 3/4 of my mom's family did to her when working out caring for my grandfather who regularly cussed her out (he had Alzheimer's at the time but had never been particularly kind to my mom). She was losing it until she drew her lines in the sand, so to speak.