I have a friend with a DUI who caused an accident that may have injured someone (he never found out) when he was 17. He hasn't driven drunk since and it was removed from his record and I am comfortable being friends with him. Dating, I don't know. I tend to be wary of dating people with certain kinds of issues because I worry that with combined with my mental health stuff it will cause more problems. Otherwise I think I would be willing to be open to it.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
Post by Captain Serious on Sept 20, 2014 10:42:32 GMT -5
I've been burned before by giving someone the benefit of the doubt in cases of addition. I just don't think I could truly let my guard down and trust that when life gets rocky, he wouldn't relapse.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
Alcoholics in recovery are generally very open about this.
He is very open about this. His friends, family, and coworkers know. Even people he met after the incident. He feels that it is important to be totally up front about it, and not try to hide it. He never wants to get complacent.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
Post by SadieBear on Sept 20, 2014 10:48:05 GMT -5
I don't think I could. My dad had been sober for 20 years and had a few weeks that he fell off the wagon, luckily, he got back to meetings quickly. My mom told me before I got married that if she had known marriage to an alcoholic was so hard, she would not have married my dad. Flameful I am sure, but I understand it since my DH is an alcoholic too.
Alcoholics in recovery are generally very open about this.
He is very open about this. His friends, family, and coworkers know. Even people he met after the incident. He feels that it is important to be totally up front about it, and not try to hide it. He never wants to get complacent.
It's been my experience - and unfortunately it's extensive experience - that this is what makes the difference. Recognizing your inability to control your life with alcohol is the first step for a reason. It's the foundation upon which everything else is built and it returns to this concept several times throughout the steps. Getting past the denial is huge and so instrumental.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 20, 2014 11:12:03 GMT -5
For me, possibly. I don't know. I think it's something I would have to evaluate on a case-by-case basis. I wouldn't wish the shit my family is going through on anyone, and I don't blame a single person saying they wouldn't give someone with a bad past a chance. At the same time, it makes me sad that should my brother ever earnestly turn his life around, this is something else he'll have to deal with. I would think it's a decision you make based on the individual.
Post by sapphireblue on Sept 20, 2014 11:18:24 GMT -5
I think I probably would give him a chance. I wish this was further in his past. Instead of four years, 14 years or something. That being said, I would proceed cautiously. However, I admire all of the strong women in this post that have such clear boundaries that they are saying no.
I know a woman who is an alcoholic. She was drunk her senior year of college and drove off campus and killed a fellow student. That was over 20 years ago and she hasn't had any alcohol since that night. She also still doesn't drive. So I do believe that an incident like that can truly change someone.
maybe, maybe not, but it brings up a good point. Once you're falling already/banging the guy/in the honeymoon phase, it's easier to make excuses/rationalizations/reasons why it's ok now, everything will be ok etc. Gotta think with a clear head.
Oh, I thought it was some kind of autocorrect error, I thought I was making a joke! LOL.
To your situation... I'm all for second chances, I truly believe people can change, etc. If I weren't a drinker, I would possibly date him. But honestly - as I like to have a few drinks here and there, I probably wouldn't. I say that only because we have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He can be around people drinking and what not, but I think that one of the reasons his 2nd marriage ended is because his wife drank and at times to a point where he was embarrassed to be around her.
He's now with a woman who doesn't drink either and on that point alone, they are SUCH a better fit.
Seeing this, seeing how he's - on one hand- o.k. being around people when they drink, but then - on the other - seeing the issues he had with his ex and her drinking, I personally couldn't date someone who doesn't drink at all.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
My boyfriend has a bit of a past. I've "known" him since we were teenagers and re-connected with him about a year ago. Honestly, if I didn't know him a long time ago I've wondered if I would have continued dating him when I found out the stupid things he did in his late teens/early twenties. He was very upfront early on about his past, which I appreciated and I've asked more questions as time has gone on.
Post by sherbanator on Sept 20, 2014 11:32:01 GMT -5
I say no but in reality if I became friends with this guy and really liked him I would probably rationalize it and date him. Then if he ever reverted back(he probably wouldn't) I would kick myself for not listening to my gut feeling.
Ik I'm over analyzing it but it has happened to me before where I have gotten mad at myself for giving someone a chance and it ended with me getting hurt.
Is this someone you met irl and have good chemistry with and like or is it an online dating thing?
You're young and hot and child free. If it's an online thing, I don't think I'd be up for the baggage of kids, a felony charge and alcoholism. Why not make life simpler?
If this is someone you know and are super attracted to and get along really well with that may make going on a couple of dates and feeling it out worthwhile.
Smooches
It is odd, we actually connected online, but then realized we had mutual friends, and turns out we knew each other 20+ years ago.
So, i haven't met him recently lol. We were going to meet up a few weeks ago, but then i got my MS flare up.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
I lost a friend from a drunk driving accident, so for ME, I couldn't get past that. However, it sounds like he is doing everything right WRT his alcoholism. Go with your gut instinct.
bonquiqui if you do decide his past is a deal killer, that's perfectly okay. Your feelings are most important in this scenario. And I bet he'd appreciate your honesty in that regard.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny