Family WTF

[UnderProtest]

So I have to get this out and vent somewhere other than my husband.  So my MIL and her fiancé are coming to visit for 2 weeks.  Somehow the fiancé's adult son is also coming along.  We didn't invite him and I've never even met him, but whatever, he just wants to tour the city (London) and sight see the whole time.  Okay.  Well, now the MIL calls and (only sort of) asks if he can bring his friend too.  He doesn't want to sight see by himself and this way my MIL and her fiancé won't have to go with him.  Uhhmmmm, okay.  First of all, the uninvited guest is bringing another uninvited guest?  And second, where do they expect to stay?  I have 2ish guest rooms (my son has been sleeping in one since he keeps his sister awake if they sleep in their room together) and the smaller guest room has a small double bed.  Oh, but according to my MIL, they will just sleep together because the fiancé's son is fine sleeping with his female friend....in fact, he wants to date her.  WTF.  So many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

[Saint Monica]

Mil can share a room with the guest and uninvited guest(s)! It will be cozy-like camping!

Stock up on booze.

[hisno1girl]

You could start by saying no.

Two guests for two weeks is more than I would tolerate. Add in two complete strangers and that would be a gigantic HELL NO in my book.

He wants to sight see? Tell him to look at hotels and lodging.

[ZoeHart]

I like that idea, tell her more the merrier but hope she doesn't mind that they all share a room!

Sorry MIL coming for two weeks sounds like a lot to handle even without the extra guests.

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[ECB]

Yeah, somehwere in this the word "no" needs to be used. This is ridiculous.

[Sloane]

Sept 22, 2014 5:37:16 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

You could start by saying no.

Two guests for two weeks is more than I would tolerate. Add in two complete strangers and that would be a gigantic HELL NO in my book.

He wants to sight see? Tell him to look at hotels and lodging.

100% this. You are being taken advantage of.

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 5:37:16 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

You could start by saying no.

Two guests for two weeks is more than I would tolerate. Add in two complete strangers and that would be a gigantic HELL NO in my book.

He wants to sight see? Tell him to look at hotels and lodging.

We (well, I) strongly suspect that this girl already has booked her plane ticket since MIL told her it shouldn't be a problem.  We have gone back to MIL asking her to ask fiancé's son what his exact plans are so we know how many nights at our house we would be dealing with.  Supposedly he wants to travel to two other countries in the 2 weeks.  We can deal with a couple nights....but not 14.

I already have to be at least buzzed to deal with MIL, this is NOT helping.  The only thing that is helping me hold on is that she has a bunch of kids clothes I need her to bring me......and she went shopping at Janie & Jack.

[ECB]

The girl buying a ticket isn't your problem. Remind yourself of that. You don't have to be a bitch, but stop being nice about it. Even if you don't want to out and out say "no", at least tell her that this actually isn't o.k. You NEED to know when they'll be in London and in all honesty- if it's for too many nights, they'll have to get a hotel.

[ECB]

And to add- if you don't step up and set some boundaries, they'll do this again.

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 5:47:41 GMT -5 ECB said:

The girl buying a ticket isn't your problem. Remind yourself of that. You don't have to be a bitch, but stop being nice about it. Even if you don't want to out and out say "no", at least tell her that this actually isn't o.k. You NEED to know when they'll be in London and in all honesty- if it's for too many nights, they'll have to get a hotel.

Yeah, I have more of a problem with it all than my husband, but even he doesn't like this.  He is used to the way his family operates, its normal to him.  They all think the more the merrier and have no concept of personal or private space.  We have pushed back and given how his family can't make plans to save their lives, it will probably all end up falling apart and maybe/hopefully the son won't even come.  

The funny thing is that apparently the son has been saving his money since he found out we were moving to London (despite NEVER visiting us in our old US city where his dad visited almost monthly) and he has almost $3k to travel all of Europe.  Uhmmm, I know you can travel cheap and such, but $3k isn't going to get him as far as he thinks.

[Linie]

Just give them directions to a nice hotel. When in London I often stay at Malmaison: not too expensive for London, very quiet, best bathroom stuff I've ever had in a hotel!

ETA: I just saw your last message about the budget: Ryanair last minute tickets out of London can be really cheap. He could go visit Rome! Closer to home: cheap Eurostar tickets to Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam!

[hisno1girl]

Perhaps you should be WTFing yourself in this matter instead of your MIL.

You aren't happy with these arrangements but you won't speak up? Good luck with that.

[Jalapeñomel]

"Your guests are welcome to come to London, but there is no room at our house for them. Here is a list of hotels nearby."

[UnderProtest]

Yes, we/he are dealing with it.  My husband knows how to deal with his family and while it's not nearly as aggressive as I want to be, it works.

I just thought it was a wtf situation as this isn't how my family operates, and thought that it would be amusing to post.

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 6:20:57 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

"Your guests are welcome to come to London, but there is no room at our house for them. Here is a list of hotels nearby."

There are hotels across the street.  I like your phrasing if it comes to this.

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 6:49:37 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 22, 2014 6:42:49 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

There are hotels across the street.  I like your phrasing if it comes to this.

"If it comes to this"?

Lady, it's already come to thiss. If you don't want 4 people (2 of whom are complete strangers) taking over your house for 2 weeks, then you and H are going to have to say something direct.

Lack of background, sorry.......his family is notoriously poor at planning or scheduling anything. There is quite a possibility that it will all fall apart. Don't worry, it is being monitored. Closely.  

[aMrsin09]

Or ... you let them all stay at your house ( your H can bunk with his future step brother) and YOU can stay at the hotel. Preferably one with a spa and room service

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[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 6:56:42 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

And, I vote when they all get here, you put them in the one room that's available.

Air beds all around!

That's the thing....they wouldn't care.  His family is so bizarre to me, its almost like a reality show.

I did offer that my MIL can sleep in my son's pack n play with him.  

[Deleted]

" Wow, MIL, that's so nice that you don't mind sharing your room with him and his friend...it will be so cozy for the 4 of you"

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 7:18:24 GMT -5 aMrsin09 said:

Or ... you let them all stay at your house ( your H can bunk with his future step brother) and YOU can stay at the hotel. Preferably one with a spa and room service

Sent from my SM-G900I using pro boards

Ooooh, this is the best idea.  And leave the kids with MIL and fiancé.  I don't even need room service, just the spa.    See how breezy I am?

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 5:56:51 GMT -5 Linie said:

Just give them directions to a nice hotel. When in London I often stay at Malmaison: not too expensive for London, very quiet, best bathroom stuff I've ever had in a hotel!

ETA: I just saw your last message about the budget: Ryanair last minute tickets out of London can be really cheap. He could go visit Rome! Closer to home: cheap Eurostar tickets to Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam!

I know he COULD get some decent deals, but he has yet to plan anything yet.  They all were supposed to talk about what they wanted to do 6 six weeks ago.  They have yet to come up with anything concrete.  My MIL wants to go to another country......where in that country, she doesn't know....just that country.  Another example of their lack of planning and craziness.

[Deleted]

I'm totally in the "HELL NO" camp. It's fine if they come but they need to get a hotel or something because that's very inconsiderate of them to put that much on you.

[Captain Serious]

Sept 22, 2014 6:41:02 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Yes, we/he are dealing with it.  My husband knows how to deal with his family and while it's not nearly as aggressive as I want to be, it works.

I just thought it was a wtf situation as this isn't how my family operates, and thought that it would be amusing to post.

This is how my husband's family started, and they kept going until they moved into our ski house without asking. Take it from me, now is the time to set limits.

I never wanted to push the issue, because they were my husband's family, and I didn't want to come off as the bitch. I never should have let it go as far as I did, and I no longer active to the "his family, he deals with it" philosophy. If they are staying in my home are asking soothing of me/using something of mine, I sure as hell can speak up.

"I'm sorry, MIL, but that will just be too disruptive for my children. DS sleeps in our second guest room, and I am not prepared to have him vacate it for two weeks. Furthermore, I'm not comfortable having completed strangers come and go from our home, especially with the kids. There are done great hotels nearby. I'll get you the names of a few."

Next time, as soon as the idea is floated about anyone joining who wasn't invited, respond brightly, "That's so great that she will be in London at the same time! Do you know where she will be staying?"

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 8:23:58 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Sept 22, 2014 6:41:02 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Yes, we/he are dealing with it.  My husband knows how to deal with his family and while it's not nearly as aggressive as I want to be, it works.

I just thought it was a wtf situation as this isn't how my family operates, and thought that it would be amusing to post.

This is how my husband's family started, and they kept going until they moved into our ski house without asking. Take it from me, now is the time to set limits.

I never wanted to push the issue, because they were my husband's family, and I didn't want to come off as the bitch. I never should have let it go as far as I did, and I no longer active to the "his family, he deals with it" philosophy. If they are staying in my home are asking soothing of me/using something of mine, I sure as hell can speak up.

"I'm sorry, MIL, but that will just be too disruptive for my children. DS sleeps in our second guest room, and I am not prepared to have him vacate it for two weeks. Furthermore, I'm not comfortable having completed strangers come and go from our home, especially with the kids. There are done great hotels nearby. I'll get you the names of a few."

Next time, as soon as the idea is floated about anyone joining who wasn't invited, respond brightly, "That's so great that she will be in London at the same time! Do you know where she will be staying?"

Wow.  How did you end up getting them out of your ski house?

Thank you for your suggestions.  I don't mind houseguests and I didn't mind the fiancé's son because the fiancé has done a lot for us.  My MIL would think nothing of it if we brought along uninvited guests.  His family just thinks so completely different than mine.  This has just gone one step too far.  I'll talk further with my husband tonight and see what he wants to say to them.  Luckily, his mom is probably his only family that will come visit and we will never live near his family.  I doubt the next city we will live in will be as exciting so this shouldn't be a long term issue.

[RitzyHeifer]

UnderProtest I get it with the no planning. My ILs are the same way with everything (example: SIL & I at 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve trying to buy food for Christmas Eve dinner from Walgreen's bc it was the only thing open and nothing had been planned/purchased before that).  

So I understand that laying down the law/saying no at this point doesn't mean anything because they may not show up at all anyway.  Or might show up with even more people.  I just spent the weekend hosting 5 people who all shared my 1 guest room that has 1 queen bed.  it was supposed to be 8 people two weeks ago, but the group of 5 called about the time they were to get in town and said they decided not to come.  

[Booze Raccoon]

DH and I had 4 house guests back when I was in my first trimester.  6 adults in a 1,000 sq ft, 2 bed, 2 bath condo.  We slept on the sectional in our living room.  It was sheer hell.  They stayed for 14 days.  NEVER AGAIN.

[UnderProtest]

Sept 22, 2014 9:02:07 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

UnderProtest I get it with the no planning. My ILs are the same way with everything (example: SIL & I at 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve trying to buy food for Christmas Eve dinner from Walgreen's bc it was the only thing open and nothing had been planned/purchased before that).  

So I understand that laying down the law/saying no at this point doesn't mean anything because they may not show up at all anyway.  Or might show up with even more people.  I just spent the weekend hosting 5 people who all shared my 1 guest room that has 1 queen bed.  it was supposed to be 8 people two weeks ago, but the group of 5 called about the time they were to get in town and said they decided not to come.  

Are you my SIL?  Oh, wait, BIL's wife is just as bad as the in laws.  

What would you do in my situation?  I don't know exactly how to deal with them because they aren't exactly rational/logical either.  My MIL thought I would load two toddlers up in the car and drive 4 hours with them just so they could say good bye to my husband at the airport instead of the house.  He was only going to be gone for 3 weeks.

[RitzyHeifer]

Sept 22, 2014 9:08:57 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Sept 22, 2014 9:02:07 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

UnderProtest I get it with the no planning. My ILs are the same way with everything (example: SIL & I at 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve trying to buy food for Christmas Eve dinner from Walgreen's bc it was the only thing open and nothing had been planned/purchased before that).  

So I understand that laying down the law/saying no at this point doesn't mean anything because they may not show up at all anyway.  Or might show up with even more people.  I just spent the weekend hosting 5 people who all shared my 1 guest room that has 1 queen bed.  it was supposed to be 8 people two weeks ago, but the group of 5 called about the time they were to get in town and said they decided not to come.  

Are you my SIL?  Oh, wait, BIL's wife is just as bad as the in laws.  

What would you do in my situation?  I don't know exactly how to deal with them because they aren't exactly rational/logical either.  My MIL thought I would load two toddlers up in the car and drive 4 hours with them just so they could say good bye to my husband at the airport instead of the house.  He was only going to be gone for 3 weeks.

Honestly, I take the opposite tactic of Captain Serious and let DH deal with them for the most part.  But I am very laid back about sharing my space/hosting/cooking for a big group so our last guest debacle didn't bother me.  Nor did it bother me when MIL & FIL showed up unannounced on a Saturday that both DH & I had to work and DS was spending the day at a sitter's house - they were pissed we didn't keep DS home so they could watch him but maybe they'll learn to call before driving 3 hours?  (They won't).

If I were you, I'd decide what your limit is (Not okay for the son to be there? Not okay for the son's friend? They all have to share one room if they all come? Whatever you are comfortable with) and communicate it to your H.  Let him fight the battle with his mother and just rinse and repeat "we have xyz available at our house" and don't budge. 

[game blouses]

Definitely have the son and friend stay in a hotel. The demands and expectations aren't going to stop if you don't set up some boundaries. What happens if you have to cook meals every day for these people, and one of them is a picky eater? Or the friend is super messy or something? They won't respect your boundaries and personal space if you don't have any.

[dexteroni]

I don't get why their lack of planning means you can't still say no preemptively. Saying "love to see you all, but remember that we only have one guest room now that DS and DD are in separate rooms, so we only have room for you and FI, not son and friend" would save you what sounds like a lot of wondering and worrying and "monitoring."