Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're expecting too much from him. If you have a dishwasher, none of the stuff you list should be a big deal. A housekeeper will take care of the sweeping and should alleviate some of your burden of doing the rest of the stuff, so that's good. But I can see why you'd resent living with an adult who can't/won't even do the most basic daily tasks that take 5 minutes.
The problem is that unless he's doing this purposely because he's pissed at you, you've found yourself married to someone who doesn't see the need to be a grown up and participate in maintaining a house. My XH was like that, and I've lived with roommates like that. I totally get it. You can do the garbage and the dishes yourself, but you shouldn't have to be the only one doing anything. The unfortunate thing is that he's probably not going to change. Maybe counseling will get it through to him that he should do those things to make you happy or to help you, but maybe he'll just always be the type of person who thinks he's entitled to do whatever he wants while someone else takes care of all the "stuff".
Your choices in that case are to either accept it, keep fighting and being unhappy forever, or divorce. It is unlikely that you can keep fighting it and get what you want - him changing. So if I were you I'd really think about whether or not you can be happy accepting your role as the person who does all this stuff (because presumably he has other positive qualities that make it worth it) or if this is going to cause issues long term. It sucks.
Post by saywhatnow on Sept 23, 2014 9:24:41 GMT -5
Not sure if this was addressed, but why does sweeping take 1.5 hours? How big is your house? Are you using a broom and dust pan? Even then I don't see how it would take that long. I have a Swiffer SweeperVac and it takes me less than minutes to do the entire downstairs of my 3100 sq ft house that is all hardwood floors. Maybe something like that would help.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 23, 2014 12:44:45 GMT -5
I don't understand this whole notion of "giving into laziness." I can be pretty lazy. We both work hard, and some of our money goes into having other people maintaining our house. That is one of the benefits of having two people bringing in income.
The whole thought process that one SHOULD do something because it is an ADULT RESPONSIBILITY when you can hire it out is martyrish.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 23, 2014 12:46:09 GMT -5
Also, we have a 3,500 SF house and it takes me about 5 hours to clean it thoroughly - and I don't do that once a week. Maybe a monthly deep clean, then spot cleaning the rest of the time. Why is it 5 hours every single week? That seems insane.
I'm sorry, but you are absolutely being ridiculous and I will reiterate it again.
You agreed to something three years ago. Times change, people change, and agreements and situations change. It's time to re-evaluate, and you need to be open to him suggesting an alternative (like a housekeeper) as opposed to it just being your way or the highway. You are asking him to do FIVE HOURS A WEEK of cleaning. That is - for lack of a better word - ridiculous.
WHAT ON EARTH takes you each five hours a week of cleaning? I'm assuming this is an even-steven split of work, so you're telling me that you and your H spend 10 hours a week cleaning your house? I don't get it. You think this is no big deal, but you're asking your H to spend an extra hour every weekday cleaning. You want him to come home from a full day at work and do something he doesn't enjoy for an hour every day. Or he can devote half of a Saturday or Sunday to cleaning, which means he loses about 1/4 of his weekend, EVERY weekend. If he cleans 5 hours a week, he spends 260 hours - or the equivalent of 6.5 work weeks - cleaning every year. Why? Because you won't agree to hiring a house cleaner because you "enjoy" cleaning, and you're not willing to compromise or re-evaluate, despite the fact that your H clearly doesn't share the same feelings about cleaning. What if your H made you do something you didn't enjoy every day because he wanted it done? Or expected you to give up a quarter of every weekend to do something? Something that you could easily outsource? Would you not resent him for that?
You are creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one. Outsource the major cleaning. Have someone come clean the house every week or every other week and get over the control issues that you seem to have here. Who cares about the money? Why on earth do you want to let $300 a month cause you so much resentment toward your H? A cleaner will take care of vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, cleaning the kitchen and appliances, and can do a load of laundry if you want them to. Just like that, half your chore list is gone. Gift buying is easy with an Amazon Prime account, you can get your prescriptions done by mail order, and you can set up automatic bill pay. That would leave you with air filters (I don't even know what that means?), changing the litter, vet trips (I can't imagine these are more often than maybe 1x per month, and that would be high), errands (again - take care of half that crap by ordering stuff on Amazon subscription or Amazon Prime and having it just show up at your door), and then dealing with the occasional repairman. That's really not a lot.
Your H is who he is. You married a guy that doesn't like to clean. Does that suck for you? Yes. But a leopard doesn't change his spots. You're not going to win this battle - you haven't won it in three years. You sound like you resent your H; if you're coming off that way to us, I can only imagine how you're coming off to him. I too noticed the "my" house comment, you stated more than once that your H is lazy, and you seemed to be judging your H for playing video games - but who cares? Unless he spends so much time playing video games that he neglects you, then what's the problem with them? Is playing video games any worse than futzing around on GBCN? Honestly?
Your H sounds like he works hard, you said he makes good money, and you're insisting that he spend his free time cleaning instead of outsourcing it like he would prefer. Maybe once you stop putting your H in a situation where the only way for him to make you happy is for him to do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, he'll want to contribute more. I know I wouldn't waste much time in his situation - he's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. He either gets nagged by you for being lazy, or he gets completely ignored as a partner in this situation because his preference doesn't matter since you don't want to compromise or consider doing anything but exactly what YOU want.
Holy moly, I wasn't expecting such passion about this subject! People are right, we decided on a chore list that is completely outdated, we need to address that. When I said 5 hours a week that included everything:
Cats: feeding/water/putting them to bed at night (they sleep in the garage) 15 mins a day x 7= 1.75 hrs a week Dishes: 5 mins a day x 7= 35 mins Garbage: 10 mins Sweeping: 1.5 hrs
So lets say 4 hours of house hold responsibilities a week. I don't think that's too much to ask a grown adult to handle. I do not nag my husband. I simply see things not getting done and finally do them in desperation because things have gotten gross and then am silently resentful. Which I want to change. And after reading this thread I'm open to a housekeeper. It just kills me because I'm frugal. I'd much rather save that 300/month and take an extra vacation a year, or pay off the house that much faster.
And I never said I didn't like how my H does chores, I simply want them done on a regular, timely basis. And if that means leaving cans at the curb for an extra day, so be it. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with a house that hasn't had the floors cleaned in 3 weeks. Or dirty dishes in a sink for days at a time.
There is nothing wrong with playing video games, I waste similar amounts of time on the internet, but I get my crap done. I'm just finding it frustrating that he doesn't seem to care when the house gets gross and he shirks his chores because he just doesn't like to do it.
I am going to side with littlemisssunshine on this. the 5 hours per week is spread over the entire week. and most of those things have to be done daily (taking care of the pets and the dishes).
she said her husband works 40 hours / week. its not like he is pulling 60-80 hour weeks and doesn't have time to do this stuff. AND he outsources the outside work (lawn, etc).
to me, it sounds like her DH is being lazy. it sounds like he doesn't want to do ANYTHING. really - he can't clean the dishes for 5 min a day? take care of the pets daily?
I agree with the others that you both should go to counseling. figure out the larger issues.
And littlemisssunshine, you said you wanted to have a family. this will only get worse when you have children and there are 1000 more things to be done each day.
good luck to you and i hope you figure out a solution.
No one likes chores; they are a part of the things we do because we are grown ups. You expected him to do his share and he is not. It's incredibly frustrating, and I get that. You are reacting to him as a mother instead of as a spouse. Change the reaction. You are now in "bitch eating crackers" mode about the trash cans. Let them go and drag them up. The cats will get put out. If they need fed, they will speak up. When you hear them, then ask if he fed them yet, rather than telling him to do it. By making lists, you are limiting who does what. Instead, leave it open so you can say "will you make the bed?" And he won't feel like he is doing your chore. And you won't be monitoring his. You'll just be doing what has to be done to keep the household moving.