I'm glad that other people know exactly what everyone else should or shouldn't care about. :/ I will not feel ashamed for having gender disappointment. It happens.
If she's not over it in a few weeks, it's definitely worth seeing a professional about.
Post by sharknado on Sept 22, 2014 15:38:39 GMT -5
The other day, L painted his penis hot pink. He runs head first into things and is way more aggressive than my daughter ever was. I really wanted a boy the first time and wanted another daughter the second time. My little boy is so much fun. I think your friend needs counseling
I can understand gender disappointment to a certain point but she's being ridiculous. The only thing you should be concerned about is the health of the baby.
You hear that people suffering with mental health conditions?
Stop being ridiculous and just GTF over it already!
I didn't realize it was a mental issue. I apologize. I for one do know mental illness is a real thing. I hope she feels better and gets some help.
My SIL went through this when she was pregnant, ...
I remember you posting about this at the time. I'm glad things went smoothly for her. Not to sound all creepy or anything, but I've wondered about that situation occasionally. I'm glad for all of you!
Post by juliette21 on Sept 22, 2014 16:20:17 GMT -5
In this case I think it's more than a case of gender disappointment. If you are close enough, I would try and gently bring up counseling. Or at least let her know that the way she is talking is wrong and makes you uncomfortable. Hopefully that will give her a hint it's not normal to feel that way.
In general though, as a mom to 2 boys I think it sucks that most cases of gender disappointment seem to be about having a boy. I just think it's really sad that so many women do not want boys or are at first very disappointed to learn they're having one.
I hope she gets help. It isn't about shopping or pink, it's more than a frivolous reason to want a girl or boy. That damn poem about a son is son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life. Sure, every child/parent relationship is different, but there are things you dream of doing with your child.
I think the fact that she continues to voice it so openly coupled with the fact she won't even discuss names with her H shows that there truly is something off here.
Yep. I would have been disappointed if I didn't have a daughter because it I always pictured myself having a daughter. But this is a whole other level.
I hope she gets help. It isn't about shopping or pink, it's more than a frivolous reason to want a girl or boy. That damn poem about a son is son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life. Sure, every child/parent relationship is different, but there are things you dream of doing with your child.
This type of stuff always makes me really sad. The same wonders she would have discovered with a daughter, she will discover with her son. And saying boys suck must make her H feel awesome.
I hope she gets some help.
Also, my girls are hell to shop with now and in their teen years I am sure it's going to be me fighting to have them pick out clothes that actually cover their bodies.
Post by craftyone on Sept 22, 2014 16:34:37 GMT -5
I have 3 sons and I admit I had gender disappointment. With my own personal family issues with developmental delays with sons (my nephew has Aspergers, my middle has moderate Autism, my other 2 have speech/behavioral delays), it was hard to hear I was to have another boy with the 2nd and 3rd boy. Time usually makes it fade. I still get sad at times that I won't have a girl, but if I had all girls, I'd probably be just as sad that I didn't have a boy.
In general though, as a mom to 2 boys I think it sucks that most cases of gender disappointment seem to be about having a boy. I just think it's really sad that so many women do not want boys or are at first very disappointed to learn they're having one.
Okay, well nevermind the strong preference for sons that's existed for basically all of time except for maybe in the Western world today. lol
I agree with juliette21 that I seem to hear more about women being disappointed about having boys than girls. Obviously this is not true in cultures that overwhelmingly value boys over girls and it may just seem that way because my kids are boys, but I found it weird how many people were surprised to hear that I wanted a boy (not to mention two boys) and not a girl.
Regarding your update, did you tell her why you wouldn't be engaging on the topic anymore? I can see why she would be upset with you for saying that. I mean, she's trying to vent and is all upset and probably feels like you're just putting her down or belittling her pain. I know you haven't told people about the IF thing and I really am sorry you're going through it, but I think you have to try to look at it from her perspective. If you're not going to let her vent to you, you should at least give her the reason why it bothers you so much.
I do think the counseling suggestion is a good one. Regardless of what happens, she certainly could stand to talk to someone about why this has her so upset. I hope her H texts you back and is willing to make an effort to get her some professional help.
Post by nightandday on Sept 22, 2014 18:27:40 GMT -5
After your update, I'm even more concerned. "Deep loss"? That is not gender disappointment. I hope your friend and her husband take this seriously and get her some counseling.
I'm concerned about the "needing support" and "no one understands her right now"--she sounds like my bi-polar little sister who is not taking medication for it. Personally I think your friend needs help through counseling, but it sounds like she doesn't want it. There's nothing you can do about it. She has to want to be helped.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Regarding your update, did you tell her why you wouldn't be engaging on the topic anymore? I can see why she would be upset with you for saying that. I mean, she's trying to vent and is all upset and probably feels like you're just putting her down or belittling her pain. I know you haven't told people about the IF thing and I really am sorry you're going through it, but I think you have to try to look at it from her perspective. If you're not going to let her vent to you, you should at least give her the reason why it bothers you so much..
If you don't want to tell her about IF I would keep your space but do so gently, don't "admonish" her for her feelings.
This is what I was trying to put into words.
littleduck, I sort of feel like you saying you were "uncomfortable speaking about her future son that way" is an admonishment. It doesn't help her understand, it just makes her feel judged.
I agree that you shouldn't tell people about the IF if you're uncomfortable doing so, but there just has to be a better way to avoid the topic without making your friend feel like her feelings aren't valid. There's something major going on here. This isn't about her being sad she's having a boy, there are deeper issues there.
I am in no way trying to make you feel bad and I get that you're hurting. I just think your friend probably feels kind of shitty given your explanation of why you don't want to talk about it.
There is a site that deals with women with this extreme gender disappointment. In-gender, their forums deal with this and women trying to sway for a certain sex. A few of the women do say it is a loss of a dream, etc. when faced with the opposite of what they thought the path their life would go down.
I hope her husband insists she gets help or talks to her doctor. Maybe a miracle and she will feel differently once the baby is in her arms.
Post by lilafowler on Sept 22, 2014 19:59:49 GMT -5
My heart breaks for this poor woman. Being pregnant and having a baby is tough enough on your physical and mental health-I feel so bad she has hi deal with this as well.
I am biased, because I've been there. From what you've said, I felt the exact same things she's feeling, I just wasn't so open about it. And I got over it. I'm a good mom, and I love my boys. I don't wish they were girls.
That isn't to say a counselor wouldn't be appropriate. I'm sure it would help. I'm just trying to show that it might not be something to freak out over, and you don't need to feel sorry for her son just yet. It's concerning, for sure, but hopefully time and support from her H and friends will bring her to a place where she can get excited for her boy. Don't feel bad if you can't actively support her through this. You protect you, first.
I hope this passes quickly for you friend. I think having a boy might be for the best too. I always worry about parents who have strong preconceived ideas about gender for kids. Lots of girls aren't into pink, or dresses, or shopping, etc. And some boys ARE. It's amazing to me how much kids have an ingrained sense of who they are at young ages. Watching DD has thought me so much about that.
FTR, I really think women who say they want a girl for shopping are really (hopefully) meaning they want a child they can relate to. My mom is my best friend who I tell everything to and yes, we did go shopping regularly together when I was younger. I got the sex talk in the mall food court- it was awful. We also traveled to OOT volleyball tournaments all of the time and had a blast on the road trips/flights when I was in my teens. I think my hopes for having a daughter were related to wanting that bond.
That said, I always gravitate to boy babies in the NICU and wanted my own version of those adorable munchkins. I'm a little nervous about raising a boy as I can't rely on memories of my upbringing for lots of boy things. I told H that I'm leaning on him for some of those moments. But when H and I went to toys r us, we became absolutely giddy about all of the fun toys we'll be able to play with...err...I mean DS will be able to play with.
OP, you are just trying to be a good friend. It's so hard to know what you should do or say in situations like this. I really hope your friend gets some help.