Ugh, that update makes me sad. OP, you're a good friend for supporting her, but I don't think anyone would blame you if you just took a step back at this point.
FTR, I really think women who say they want a girl for shopping are really (hopefully) meaning they want a child they can relate to. My mom is my best friend who I tell everything to and yes, we did go shopping regularly together when I was younger. I got the sex talk in the mall food court- it was awful. We also traveled to OOT volleyball tournaments all of the time and had a blast on the road trips/flights when I was in my teens. I think my hopes for having a daughter were related to wanting that bond.
That said, I always gravitate to boy babies in the NICU and wanted my own version of those adorable munchkins. I'm a little nervous about raising a boy as I can't rely on memories of my upbringing for lots of boy things. I told H that I'm leaning on him for some of those moments. But when H and I went to toys r us, we became absolutely giddy about all of the fun toys we'll be able to play with...err...I mean DS will be able to play with.
I think this is what a lot people miss when someone prefers one sex over the other. I always wanted a daughter and with my DD if I found out she was a boy I would have been upset. I swore that my twins were girls, swore, swore, swore. I had the same feeling with my DD and with the twins was so sure they were girls I had names picked out and everything. I found both were boys and hysterically cried in the parking lot. It is hard for other people to understand, but I did mourn the loss of never having an 'Emma.' I always thought I would have an Emma. I had two loss' prior to the twins and did feel a sense of mourning that I would never have an Emma. It was more of a fleeting thought, but I understand what littleducks friend meant by 'mourning' though she is obviously having a more severe reaction. I really wish her all the best
But, to go back to my original point. I am afraid that I won't have a special bond with the boys but that is a reflection of my past. I am not close with my father and unfortunately not with my brother either. I have struggled to maintain relationships with men but my mom and I are so incredibly close I can relate more easily to a daughter. Clearly, my preference for one sex over another is directly linked to my past relationships. I wanted to experience that close bond that my mother and I have with a daughter. It is hard for me to understand that mothers can be close to their sons and fathers can be close to their daughters, which again, goes back to my past. However, my boys are here and I love them to pieces.
Littleduck, you are a good person and friend. I wish your friend all the best.
When we went to find out the sex when I was pregnant, the tech said in a very apologetic voice, "it's a ... boy." As if she thought I'd be upset I wasn't having a girl. But I was really hoping for a boy. I have all sisters. I was ready for something different, haha.
I get the disappointment people can have. But your friend sounds like it's more than being disappointed.
Honestly, fuck her. Boys are so awesome. I feel kind of bad for her little boy.
I don't know that I'd go this far (I mean, I don't get what she's feeling and I think she's being extreme...), but yes. YES. My two boys are so stinking fun.
I really hope she turns it around before the baby comes. Poor kiddo.
Post by somersault72 on Sept 23, 2014 11:47:37 GMT -5
I do ultrasounds so if not daily, at least weekly I end up "disappointing" someone. Most people take it in stride, but I have had a few patients that have gotten so angry they wouldn't speak to anyone, others who started sobbing on my table. I really wanted a girl mostly because my mom and I are so close and I was admittedly disappointed when I found out I was having a boy at 15 weeks. I'm so glad I found out early because it gave me time to get used to the idea and after a couple of weeks I was all in, and crazy excited about the upcoming birth of my son (and we did a dino nursery, lol). OP I think you're a great friend, and I do think she'll come around. Hopefully sooner than later because I know even seven years later I still feel a bit of residual guilt for not feeling anything but thrilled when I found out I was having a boy. If she doesn't seem to be getting better in a week or 2, it sounds like some counseling would do her good.
Eh some people are born AWs who like to complain and be overly dramatic, partially for the attention and partially for the fun of it. That might not be the case here but the fact that she's publicly posting that having a boy is the worst thing to happen to her and then getting defensive about the need for counseling suggests to me that something is off. Even when you're severely depressed, you can still recognize inellectually that your behavior and feelings are abnormal and that you need help. You just tend not to have the energy and wherewithal to actually seek it out.
Try to show her cute boys clothes. MiniBoden is my favorite. It might help.
I experienced gender disappointment with baby #3. I have two girls and number three is a boy. For some reason I thought I would only have girls. It didn't help that SIL got pregnant with her third around the same time and she has all girls. I cried during the ultrasound but I was depressed about other stuff as well. Maybe she has other stuff going on. For me in part was that I had no clue about boy stuff so I felt I couldn't relate. Plus it didn't help when people would say "finally a boy" or "now your family is complete" like my two DDs didn't matter.
DS is 10 weeks old and I absolutely adore him! Give her time.
Post by autumnfire on Sept 23, 2014 12:33:36 GMT -5
I'm with you in that she needs to seek counseling asap. This is clearly more then a passing "Oh darn it's not a girl." gender disappointment. I really have to commend you on how great of a friend you're being. I don't know if I could have kept my mouth shut when she claimed how much she needed the support (which I get, but it'd be hard when you have your own struggles) about my IF. The fact that you truly put her feelings and everything before that while you're hurting says a lot about you as a person. Far better person than I would be in that situation really.
I was kind of bothered by her deep loss comment. Just hits my heart and makes me get a little sad (can't help it even though I realize this is way deeper than the GD). Proud of you for speaking to her H as well. I'm hoping that her husband is able to stick it out and help her get the help she needs. I can see why he's put off by all of this and hopefully they're able to make it through.
I'm saying that her behavior sounds AWish and dramatic. There is a difference between feeling blue (or even seriously fucking depressed to the point where you don't want to exist anymore) about having a boy and going around saying "my life was perfect until it turned out that this baby is a boy" and "boys suck" and "waaah I won't get to go to AG" now. I mean c'mon. That is very immature behavior and even someone who is really struggling internally would still recognize that intellectually and know not to say things like that. Which is why to me it sounds like she might just generally enjoy being dramatic. Some people are just like that.
...the fact that the OP's friend isn't able to recognize that is what makes it so disturbing and concerning about her mental health. It makes it more alarming than if she was tight lipped about her disappointment.
And just because you handle your depression a certain way doesn't mean that it is the consensus on how mental illness consumes others.
To the extent that lcap's replies are implying that she has her own struggles with depression or related issues, I'd like to point out this sparkling example of the difference between experience and empathy.
I will agree that it's entirely possible that some people are just entitled and AW's, but I can do that without being totally disrespectful to people with mental health issues.
I'm not being disresptful to people with mental health issues. I just think it's very AWish and frankly offensive to post that having a boy is the worst thing to happen or that it's ruined your life or whatever it is that she posted. I deal with recurring bouts of depression myself. I know exactly what it's like to know what I need to do to help myself and still not have the energy to do it. However, even when I can barely get out of bed in the morning and go back to sleep at 7:30, I don't post things about suicide or whatever that other people will find offensive.
@lcap, I'm glad that you recognized your need for help and got it. Not everyone can recognize the difference between being sad and being depressed. You're reaction is textbook indicative of the problems people face. Depressed people crying for help are often labelled AWs and dramatic and accompanied murmurings of sheesh, can't they just get help. What you are saying is terribly destructive and I hope you think about it.
I'm not being disresptful to people with mental health issues. I just think it's very AWish and frankly offensive to post that having a boy is the worst thing to happen or that it's ruined your life or whatever it is that she posted. I deal with recurring bouts of depression myself. I know exactly what it's like to know what I need to do to help myself and still not have the energy to do it. However, even when I can barely get out of bed in the morning and go back to sleep at 7:30, I don't post things about suicide or whatever that other people will find offensive.
Wait, is bouts of depression the new ' I am not a homophobe I know a gay person and they are super duper nice!' Because fucking Christ, you aren't getting this are you? Mental health is not black or white it is a whole lot of fucking grey. You may be able to recognize, intellectually, which is the word you used, but because you have experienced 'bouts' of depression obvs everyone else has the same symptoms, functioning level and understanding of their disease like you can they are AWish and offensive. But, you're right, if they post about feeling suicidal and can get out of bed at 7:30 they are clearly just drama whores. Honestly, this post is offensive to me, so maybe you are just the AW, not this poor girl who is obviously going through a tough time.
Oh, and whispers YOU ARE BEING DISRESPECTFUL TO PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.
@lcap, I'm glad that you recognized your need for help and got it. Not everyone can recognize the difference between being sad and being depressed. You're reaction is textbook indicative of the problems people face. Depressed people crying for help are often labelled AWs and dramatic and accompanied murmurings of sheesh, can't they just get help. What you are saying is terribly destructive and I hope you think about it.
You put it much more eloquently and clearly that is what I meant in between the 'fucks' and all-caps Icap- I really hope you open your mind more and understand that there are different severities of depression ( or any MH issues), outside influencing factors, and that everyone deals differently. You really need to come out of the bubble you seem to be living in.
I will agree that it's entirely possible that some people are just entitled and AW's, but I can do that without being totally disrespectful to people with mental health issues.
I'm not being disresptful to people with mental health issues. I just think it's very AWish and frankly offensive to post that having a boy is the worst thing to happen or that it's ruined your life or whatever it is that she posted. I deal with recurring bouts of depression myself. I know exactly what it's like to know what I need to do to help myself and still not have the energy to do it. However, even when I can barely get out of bed in the morning and go back to sleep at 7:30, I don't post things about suicide or whatever that other people will find offensive.
Umm, you do know that your personal experience with depression isn't some universal truth, right? While it's great that you can recognize what thoughts are rational, and know what you need to do to fix it, it doesn't work that way for everyone. So, yeah, you don't know "exactly" how she feels or what she needs to do.