Market Watch: Big Family Envy

[bugandbibs]

I want 4-5. We are NTNP to have a 4th, but I am very conflicted about it. Emotionally, I really want more kids but logically I don't know how we will do it. Money is so, so tight right now.

[noodleskooze]

I would LOVE to have 4 total, but we most likely can only afford 2. We'll try to have #2 pretty soon, and we're young, so #3 and #4 could always happen later in life, I suppose.

[ringstrue]

Why did they only poll women?

I don't think I had an ideal. At one time when I was like 20 I wanted 4 but that was cuz I was dumb (about my limits).

Considering our capacity and what we want for our kids, 2 is our max.

DH never had strong feelings about # of kids, but I basically had to convince him to TTC each time, lol.

[charlotteandwilbur]

I waver between 2 and 3.

My heart leans toward 3 but my brain/wallet lands on 2 and I think we'll probably wind up with 2 in the end.

[thatgirl2478]

2 is our max.  DH and I have always said that kids shouldn't out number adults... LOL

[anna7602]

Sept 26, 2014 10:22:58 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

I had my heart set on two, but I may have to be okay with one and done due to stupid secondary infertility because of my age. We're still trying for #2 but I'm trying to get used to the idea that B may be it, and I feel terrible about it

This is my own fault for waiting to have kids though. But I wasn't ready before. We got married late (I was 34, DH was almost 33) and wanted to enjoy a few years child-free. I have *no* regrets about that because we really enjoyed that time! I just wish I could have met DH a few years earlier than I did and gotten the party started at a younger age so I wouldn't be where I am now!

It took us 18 months to conceive DS. I went through a lot of emotions, especially grieving the idea of ever having a second child. I questioned all the reasons I had put off having kids, beat myself up for my "frivolous" priorities, etc. But now that I am in the thick of baby land again, I am sure I really wasn't ready to have kids at all when DH and I first got married and I don't think I was ever cut out to manage 2 kids very close in age. I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself a year ago or spent so much time thinking about "what if..." It only brought me down. I hope you can stay in a good place mentally through this challenge. It's hard!

To answer the OP, I wanted 1-2. I don't think of want more, even with awesomely helpful family around or with a DH who works a more normal schedule (two things I am sorely lacking).

[babyrn]

My ideal is 2. We have 3 embryos left though and plan to use them all so we could possibly end up with 4.

[h]

My ideal has always been 2-3, and I have my 3.

I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.

[Yankees21]

I think my ideal is probably three. My H's ideal is two, but could be swayed to three, so we will see how we feel after two.

[h]

Sept 26, 2014 12:19:26 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Sept 26, 2014 12:18:14 GMT -5 h said:

My ideal has always been 2-3, and I have my 3.

I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we are on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.

Well this makes me want to cry. lol

So sorry! This is why I blame/credit (depending on the day ) my hairdresser with the fact that I have three kids.

[Deleted]

I think two is what we want and have. We probably have enough money to have more (not without consequence, but if it was MY DREAM, it would happen), but not enough energy to do it now.

DH and I both feel probably done, but are young enough to consider that a "for now" decision, not a "get a vasectomy" decision.

[sometimesrunner]

Sept 26, 2014 12:18:14 GMT -5 h said:

My ideal has always been 2-3, and I have my 3.

I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.

This is what trips me up. We only have one child, and while adding even one more seems overwhelming, I like the idea of having three older children. Especially when we get to the point where they're in college and getting married.

I love the idea of three kids, but it just seems like so.much.work.

[juliette21]

In between DS1 and DS2, I thought I wanted 3 kids. But then DS2 arrived, and although he was an easier baby, I was shocked at how much more work (and money) just one more child needs.

We are so overwhelmed every single day, with no family help at all, that I can't even imagine the logistics of #3. I don't know how moms of 3 do it. 

I do worry that some day when I'm out of this chaotic season of young-child-rearing that I'll regret it. But, then I also worry that if we took the plunge and had a third I would become a very harried, stressed out mom who couldn't give enough to my first two children. So either way, I feel like I will face regrets.

I honestly wish I could just make a decision and be okay with it. I hate all the waffling back and forth on this issue. I am not like this in any other area of my life. 

[whitepicketfence]

I'm still trying to figure out what my ideal number of kids is. I feel very content with 3 but, thanks to DH pushing for a 4th, I feel like 4 could work, too. I don't think I'm far out enough from #3 to make a clear decision yet. Luckily, we're only 30 so time is on our side while we figure things out.

Either way, yes, I'll have had my ideal number of children. I realize that I'm very fortunate in that regard. Things have always just sort of fallen into place for us in order to make that happen.

[whitepicketfence]

Sept 26, 2014 11:23:03 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

We have two. They are a blast! We're open to more.
I mean, hell, I just updated our Baby Girl name list spreadsheet this morning.

I did this today, too :/

[cinco]

I felt complete at 1, then 2, and now I'm happy with 3. DH always wanted 3, and thanks to permanent birth control we should be good. Growing up I saw myself with 2. My 3rd is hilariously awesome, so I'm glad my H convinced me otherwise. It's also hard to imagine DS not being a big brother or a middle child.

[Willis Jackson]

If I had more patience and energy and I could be guaranteed a pain-free pregnancy and birth, babies who STTN at 2w, and effortless postpartum weight loss, I would have 4-5.

But our family feels complete right now with 3.

[statlerwaldorf]

I don't have a specific number, but we probably won't have as large of a family as we would have liked. We got married and started having kids when we were young, but dd and ds are father apart than we would've liked. It took 4 years to get pregnant with ds. Plus it makes finances even tighter since we don't have any IF coverage and are completely out of pocket.

I also had two c-sections and have to have c-sections from here on out. While we both want a large family, I am worried about the risks of having 4+ c-sections.

[bunch]

See I think I want 4 when I see these big happy families with older kids and constant playmates, but being pregnant 4 times and raising 4 toddlers? I don't think I can do it. It's something I might talk wistfully about one day, but I don't think that I'd really like 4. I think it's easier to talk about how you'd like to have more and then make up the reasons why it couldn't happen than to actually do it,  so I think that's all this survey shows.

[sunshine608]

Ideal # is 4. Besides H being against it, we couldn't do it and provide the lifestyle we want for our kids ( travel, getting to experience certain things). We will likely stop at 2, but I'm secretly hoping for a 3rd surprise.

[jenn248]

Our plan was always zero or two. I would like to have a second, but if that doesn't happen, I will be fine with just DD. I am not sure I could handle more than two (mentally or financially).

[krystee]

I kind of wish I could have two babies, but three to four adult kids. I love big family events!

Anyway, we may end up with just one due to finances, fertility issues, and H's preference to not have kids past 35ish (which is how old he'll be when our first is born). I would love to adopt a second child, but we'll see where life takes us.

[jeaniebueller]

I wanted 3 or 4, but after our losses, it wasn't possible. So 2 it is.

[jeaniebueller]

Sept 26, 2014 12:36:16 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

But then DS2 arrived, and although he was an easier baby, I was shocked at how much more work (and money) just one more child needs.

We are so overwhelmed every single day, with no family help at all, that I can't even imagine the logistics of #3. I don't know how moms of 3 do it. 

I agree with this. It might be different if one of us SAH and I had more time during the day to do *stuff,* but as it is, I feel like all we do Mon-Fri is rush, rush, rush.

[Marmee]

Sept 26, 2014 12:20:41 GMT -5 h said:

Sept 26, 2014 12:19:26 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Well this makes me want to cry. lol

So sorry! This is why I blame/credit (depending on the day ) my hairdresser with the fact that I have three kids.

I have always had the vision of a larger family...older kids not a bunch if babies/toddlers. Three littles was never my plan & I was pretty miserable that first year. It was SO hard. But already my oldest 3 are a breeze and I feel a little sad I didn't just bite the bullet and have my 4th 2yrs apart like I did the rest. 4 doesn't seem like much most days already, certainly not nearly what it was to just have 2 (baby & toddler).

[jr009j]

Sept 26, 2014 13:12:50 GMT -5 sxia said:

Sept 26, 2014 9:45:45 GMT -5 jr009j said:

2 is my ideal, but DH told me that his heart wants 3, though he logically knows 2 is better. We could afford having 3, but would have to make lifestyle changes we don't need to make with 2.

This is us, but switched.

My heart wants 3 as well. DH is the logician. Though... he just got a raise, so who knows. But I think more than just money, having the insanity of all the kids running around bugs him a bit. He is NOT breezy.

I'm allllllmost to the point of being okay with selling the crib with an 8 and a 5 1/2 year old.

But my heart aches just a little.

I am totally your husband in this. The logistics of having 3 kids is what terrifies me.  How do you fly with 3 kids and only 2 adults once they're all in their own seats, etc...  DH just thinks it will work itself out.  I'm relatively breezy, but I'm the one with the kids most of the time and I'm the one that flies with them by myself most of the time, so having more kids than hands terrifies me.  

I did tell DH we could talk about it in a year. DD2 is just 6 weeks, so maybe one of our minds will change.

We do have friends with an 8 and a 5 1/2 year old who are having number 3 in a few weeks after years of debating.

[lmb5109]

Sept 26, 2014 10:22:58 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

I had my heart set on two, but I may have to be okay with one and done due to stupid secondary infertility because of my age. We're still trying for #2 but I'm trying to get used to the idea that B may be it, and I feel terrible about it

This is my own fault for waiting to have kids though. But I wasn't ready before. We got married late (I was 34, DH was almost 33) and wanted to enjoy a few years child-free. I have *no* regrets about that because we really enjoyed that time! I just wish I could have met DH a few years earlier than I did and gotten the party started at a younger age so I wouldn't be where I am now!

Same here except I have medical issues that will probably prevent us from having a 2nd. If I even wanted a 2nd I couldn't get pregnant till DD is 3.5 and then I'll be close to 39 when DC #2 would be born. DH & I got married at 30 but weren't financially ready to have kids till we were 34. I keep kicking myself for not "just going for it and figure it out later" like everyone told us to. But I guess there's a plan for everyone and maybe 1 child is our plan. 

[ilikedonuts]

My ideal has changed a lot. It was 1 then 2 and now I would absolutely love 4 kids. Financially we should really be done at 2. Dh's ideal would be 3.

[juliette21]

Sept 26, 2014 13:09:42 GMT -5 bunch said:

I think it's easier to talk about how you'd like to have more and then make up the reasons why it couldn't happen than to actually do it,  so I think that's all this survey shows.

This is a really good point. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.

I also feel like a lot of people out of the baby/toddler/young child phase really romanticize that period of their life. Whereas we are in the thick of it right now, and so are all our friends. No one is sitting around wistfully talking about how wonderful raising children is, or that they wish they had more. It's really easy to feel that way and think you could've handled even more children when you're done and your kids can wipe their own asses. LOL

[ilikedonuts]

h, your hairdresser's comment might push me for 3 too now lol