I always wanted a big family. Becoming financially independent made me realize that there would be no way to provide 6/7 kids with the lifestyle I'm comfortable with unless I was making major money. So I took my ideal down to 4/5 kids. Pregnancy issues came up, now I'm pretty sure we'll be staying at 2. We will possibly look into adoption down the road, once the boys are older.
Not being able to choose your family size really sucks. I wish everyone could just get exactly what they want.
I think it's easier to talk about how you'd like to have more and then make up the reasons why it couldn't happen than to actually do it, so I think that's all this survey shows.
This is a really good point. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.
I also feel like a lot of people out of the baby/toddler/young child phase really romanticize that period of their life. Whereas we are in the thick of it right now, and so are all our friends. No one is sitting around wistfully talking about how wonderful raising children is, or that they wish they had more. It's really easy to feel that way and think you could've handled even more children when you're done and your kids can wipe their own asses. LOL
Oh I immensely disliked the newborn stage and have no romanticization on how awful it was! No sleep? No thank you! But I love his current age (2) and basically any time once he finally started STTN ;-)
I think my "ideal" is three at this point. I really, really, don't feel done. As YDS approaches 18 months (the age ODS was when I got pregnant), I am getting more of a desire. But, I am not sure we will go for it. Financially, in our current sitatuation, it isn't the best choice. But, I worry that, like the people in the survey, I will regret in the end. (huh)
Post by fortnightlily on Sept 26, 2014 13:42:38 GMT -5
I am a twin, and we were our parents' only kids, so growing up I always pictured myself with 2, period. I knew very few families with more than that.
Now that I have one, we might be OAD. If we had more I'd only want one more, tops, and the fear of having twins is one of the reasons I don't want to get pregnant again
We have 3 and I love it. My H would have been fine with 2 but doesn't mind (now loves lol) 3. I could have 1 more but that will never happen and I'm ok with that.
Post by scribellesam on Sept 26, 2014 14:05:50 GMT -5
I think our ideal is both 3, but if our financial and living situation remains the same we'll likely stop at 2. If I stay a SAHM, and have no local family help, it would just be too hard for me to deal with three on my own. Not to mention we'd be very financially stretched as they got older with activities, savings, college, etc. My head understands stopping at two is the logical choice, but my heart might want one more.
I am a twin, and we were our parents' only kids, so growing up I always pictured myself with 2, period. I knew very few families with more than that.
Now that I have one, we might be OAD. If we had more I'd only want one more, tops, and the fear of having twins is one of the reasons I don't want to get pregnant again
I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.
I think this is a good point and it's picturing our family 5, 10, 20 years down the line that keeps me going sometimes. Having 3 kids under age 5 can be exhausting and frustrating at times. Even though there are some really awesome times with a house full of kids, I think the hard moments are those that stick with us, especially when you're still in the thick of it all. There are days where I feel like we're insane for even considering a 4th.
BUT, I want to be a grandmother to a whole brood of grandchildren. I'd love to retire early and watch my grand kids all day while my daughters and their husbands are at work, if this is what they choose. I want a house full of my kids and grandchildren at the holidays. I saw this played out through my MIL while she was still alive and she was always so happy. There were always kids around, always a child to do something with. I can only hope to be as lucky as she was. When I picture how I want my life to look 20-30 years from now, it looks a lot like hers did.
When DS was a colicky infant I wanted 0. DH still has not forgotten how awful the first 6 (or 9) months were and is strongly in the OAD camp. I am loving being a mom so much if money and time were no object (and DH, obviously) I would want 3.
But the person who wants the least usually wins, right?
Two has always been our ideal. Occasionally I think maaaaybe a 3rd would be nice, but age and finances don't make it very feasible. H is firmly in the "we're done!" camp.
Post by water*drop on Sept 26, 2014 16:23:10 GMT -5
My ideal number given our actual circumstances? Probably two. My ideal number if I had a benefactor, cook, housekeeper, personal assistant, and a nanny? Four. My ideal number with a higher income, but I still have to cook and clean and run my own errands and worry about getting to daycare on time? Two. Maaaybe three, but I really think I need to outsource pretty much everything before three starts looking ideal.
So sorry! This is why I blame/credit (depending on the day ) my hairdresser with the fact that I have three kids.
I have always had the vision of a larger family...older kids not a bunch if babies/toddlers. Three littles was never my plan & I was pretty miserable that first year. It was SO hard. But already my oldest 3 are a breeze and I feel a little sad I didn't just bite the bullet and have my 4th 2yrs apart like I did the rest. 4 doesn't seem like much most days already, certainly not nearly what it was to just have 2 (baby & toddler).
I agree with this. It was much harder having three kids (age 3 and under) than it is having five. The older kids are a big plus, although taking them to their activities and managing that can be rough. But that can be managed more easily by hiring help (which I do). I actually would love one more but that ship has probably sailed.
I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.
I think you are on to something. We try to take the long view -- what will life look like in 5-10 years? Now that my older son is eight I can see how things get easier in a lot of ways (harder in others) and I love the family interaction, both as a parent and observer.
Post by ginkgoleaf on Sept 26, 2014 16:55:19 GMT -5
We want 2-3. 2 seems more manageable and like a better financial decision. But I dream of when we're older and more sounds better. Right now we're having trouble ttc the second, so depending how long that takes, we might just be done. We're both hoping for twins next so the decision will be made for us.
I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.
I think you are on to something. We try to take the long view -- what will life look like in 5-10 years? Now that my older son is eight I can see how things get easier in a lot of ways (harder in others) and I love the family interaction, both as a parent and observer.
My oldest is 7, and I feel very much the same way. Certain things are harder, sure, but the unrelenting dependency and resulting exhaustion has lessened such that life feels so more manageable, and the family interaction is really rewarding.
Post by MadamePresident on Sept 26, 2014 20:09:52 GMT -5
I want 3, but my husband only wants 2. We could afford 3 if we wanted, but I do realize it would be a lifestyle change - bigger car, etc. I feel like the world was designed for groups of 4.
Post by leonard131 on Sept 26, 2014 20:48:48 GMT -5
Ideal 0-1 and have 1. We are staying with 1.
I am surprised how many want 3 or more just because most people I know IRL are max at 2. It think it has to do with living in a HCOL but then I know some of you are as well.
I am surprised how many want 3 or more just because most people I know IRL are max at 2. It think it has to do with living in a HCOL but then I know some of you are as well.
I think lcol definitely makes it different. I already sah, so what's one more? Seriously, aside from groceries, college fund and activities, there's not that much difference. I'd say with preschool and college contributions, my kids are less than $500 a mo each (minus my working, obvs).
Well, when I type it all out, that does sound kind of high , though not as high as if I paid $2000/mo each in daycare.
I would totally have All The Babies if finances were not an issue. DD was so damn cute tonight, I looked at my H and said "go grab a headlamp and a needle nose pliers- you could totally pull that IUD out right now." (Also: Ive had 3 glasses of wine)
i would have all the babies if we could afford a blue sleeper, a la Alice on the Brady Bunch. Biut, that ain't happening, so 2 is probably our Max. Which makes me sad.
Post by rootbeerfloat on Sept 26, 2014 22:48:59 GMT -5
I guess I'm not that sentimental because holidays with my future adult children or potential grandchildren does not play into my family planning at all.
I was talking to my hairdresser, who has two college age kids, when we were on the fence about a third. She said that if we were on the fence to go for it, because two kids felt like so many (too many at times) when she was in the trenches parenting little ones, but feels like too few now that they are grown. I wonder if that is what a lot of these women are experiencing. It is hard to take the plunge to have more kids when you are exhausted and covered in spit up and feeling overwhelmed, but on the flip side it is, I suspect, easy to have a very different outlook regarding the ideal number of kids.
I think this is a good point and it's picturing our family 5, 10, 20 years down the line that keeps me going sometimes. Having 3 kids under age 5 can be exhausting and frustrating at times. Even though there are some really awesome times with a house full of kids, I think the hard moments are those that stick with us, especially when you're still in the thick of it all. There are days where I feel like we're insane for even considering a 4th.
BUT, I want to be a grandmother to a whole brood of grandchildren. I'd love to retire early and watch my grand kids all day while my daughters and their husbands are at work, if this is what they choose. I want a house full of my kids and grandchildren at the holidays. I saw this played out through my MIL while she was still alive and she was always so happy. There were always kids around, always a child to do something with. I can only hope to be as lucky as she was. When I picture how I want my life to look 20-30 years from now, it looks a lot like hers did.
I'm right there with you.
My ideal has always been four. I am one of four and very close with my siblings, and I have always pictured that for my own family. I remember how it was when we were young and see how it is now that we are all having children, and I just want to keep the family growing.
More likely we are done with three, though. I am starting to accept the practical reasons for it, but if H were ever to agree to a fourth (and every so often he says "maybe..."), I wouldn't hesitate. I will always, always want another baby, probably even if we do have a fourth. And it'll be a long wait for grandchildren!
I grew up with four in my family, And my mom has always said if they could have afforded it, they would Have had four more. Ive always thought three would be great. Dh wants two tops, and It is taking a long timr and lots of talking to get him on board with a second. So im pretty sure three is a no go.
I am a twin, and we were our parents' only kids, so growing up I always pictured myself with 2, period. I knew very few families with more than that.
Now that I have one, we might be OAD. If we had more I'd only want one more, tops, and the fear of having twins is one of the reasons I don't want to get pregnant again
See, I'm a twin and have hoped to have twins every single pregnancy. Now pregnant with #3 (another singleton) and I think this is our last. I am a bit sad that twins weren't in the cards for me.
I'm pregnant with #3 right now and DH and I agree 4 is our ideal number. That said, we're probably stopping after this one.
I find that when this topic comes up I hear so many women say that they won't have more than X (usually 2) because travel is a priority. Yet, strangely, I often observe that these families don't travel that much. There's a disconnect between what they see their priorities as and what they're actually spending the money on. So they have a huge new house and lease new cars and scrape together a 3-4 day Disney vacation every other year. So is it really that they want to travel? Or is that what they're telling themselves because there are other reasons they don't want to have more than two kids.
We could swing 4 kids, DH is a high earner and we're frugal with housing and vehicles, we have budget to travel a few times a year, have a weekly cleaner, have me SAH and work freelance as I like, have our toddler in two mornings of daycare a week.
Probably the biggest reason we won't have more, in addition to our ages and just being tired in general from lack of sleep, is that we want to retire early. Ideally DH goes freelance, semi-retired in the next 5-7 years (he'll be just past 50) and I follow suit when I'm 50 (13 years away!). If we have a fourth this timeline would push back a few more years.
If I have a real itch for #4 we're going to discuss fostering and adoption of a child that is school age.
Post by formerlyllizzyb on Sept 27, 2014 5:29:51 GMT -5
I am 90-95% certain we are done after #2.
I think. Lol.
I do think the only way #3 will happen is if there's an oops early on with a 18 month ish gap btwn 2 and 3, or we wait until #2 is older, like pre k age to TTC. I have no desire to be pg with a toddler again.
I love the idea of 3 teenage or adult children. But it might kill me to get through the early years, and those years aren't insignificant. DH works a lot and our only local family is 50 minutes away. Plus I have some health issues. Plus I really love my free time and alone time, and I am a better mom with time to myself.