So my mom is dating someone.

[spk926]

You said your mom married at 17, just a baby! She's never been without someone. She is probably missing and craving that companionship.

It can be hard though to adjust to a new "normal" though, sorry.

[revolution]

Well, a little different but my parents divorced after 31 years. There are 4 of us kids. We all dealt with my parents dating differently. I think it is hard for anyone to think of their parents dating someone that is not your parent. It is just odd, especially if it starts after you are an adult. I think you are good being ok with it and your brother is fine being pissed. I do hope that he eventually wants her to be happy, but for now, he is ok being mad.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.

[calle28]

Good for her for meeting someone who can make her smile.

You're right, you and your brother are both entitled to feel how you want.

[azurely]

I can understand not liking that your mom is dating someone, but it's really not fair to be mad at your mom or make her feel guilty. She's not doing anything wrong, even if it's uncomfortable for your siblings.

[Eagles]

I think she's probably lonely. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but they need to be adults and not put their shit on her. It's okay for your siblings to be hurt and sad and they're grieving, but they need to process that on their own time.

[miniroller]

Not sure I'm correct in this, but I could see the child who's the same sex understanding this sooner than the child who's not. Completely not trying to belittle your situation: But say your mother had passed, & your dad started seeing someone soon-ish after, your brother might be more comfortable with this situation. Maybe he could feel more comfortable-ish?? See him as seeking (& receiving) solace as opposed to shitty to the spouse who just died? But he's not able to see this in the opposite situation. When it's 'disrespectful' to his DAD.
ETA: you might've just voided my entire argument hearing you have 3 sibs, sorry love

[rosiebear]

I'm really glad you're ok with this. I'm sorry your siblings aren't, but your mom isn't doing anything wrong. Your dad is free from any pain; your mom deserves to ease hers, too.

[pantsparty]

I can see being shocked. But her dating someone does nothing to dishonor or take anything away from your father's memory. Hopefully your siblings can accept this with time.

[papie]

I am sorry, this is so hard. I am happy for your mom. My uncle passed three years ago at 57 and my aunt was 55 at the time. Not only has she never dated, she still wears black all the time and refuses to do her hair and makeup. She instantly turned from a gorgeous woman to your typical old Greek widow. It breaks my heart. Life goes on.
I don't know why I am sharing my aunts story other than to say that I think your mom is doing the right thing by getting out there.
I am sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

[rugbywife]

My dad started dating 6 months after my mom died. They had been married 31 years. The 8 year anniversary is next week (edit: of her passing).

I am happy you are ok with it. I was not. My brothers were better with it.

However you feel is fine, any reaction is normal.

[pinkeggs]

I get his point of view, but I can tell you that it also really sucks when it's the other extreme. My dad died 23 years ago and my mom has never dated anyone. She's been living alone for so long now, she's gotten so set in her ways and honestly, she's gotten kind of weird. I would much rather see her happy with someone than settled in her grief for so much of her life.

[captainmal]

My husband's family went through something like this. He pointed out that sometimes older people get lonely if they suddenly have an empty house when they've had someone there for most of their life. And that his dad wasn't replacing his mom, still loved his mom, but now had someone to give him emotional support again.

[pantsparty]

Oct 16, 2014 19:58:22 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

I think my dad would be okay with my mom dating. My brother told her she's making him sick.

Ugh I feel bad for her.

It actually makes me kind of mad my brother is being like this. He wouldn't even come visit my dad at the end. We didn't know he was going to die but we knew it was possible he might not get a transplant. I even called him and begged him to come visit my dad so he wouldn't have any regrets if the worse happened.

Well, that's super shitty of him. :mad:

[karinothing]

My dad started dating a year after my mom died. He called to tell me and i burst into tears and hung up the phone. I called my brother and while he did not necessarily make me feel more comfortable with it but he did tell me about how lonely my dad was. Which made me feel bad.

Honesty I felt like no one cared about my mom anymore it sucked. I know it was not true and my dad was his own person, but it was something i just needed more time to accept. Your brother will get there eventually. I would let him feel.what he needs too feel but remind him to be respectful to your mom

[MixedBerryJam]

Something I wish I could tell your brother about being the spouse of a terminally ill person is that it's not really "fair" (probably the wrong word, but I hope you get my point anyway) to think "Dad's only been gone 4 months; how can she move on so fast?" Because I'm guessing the marriage, while not over, was severely compromised long before your mom was widowed. Once you're the caregiver in a marriage the partnership of the marriage takes a back seat. The grief you feel when your spouse is still with you in the room, and in the bed, and at the breakfast table, but is no longer your life partner in so many critical ways, well, that's a loneliness that defies description. Your mom has likely been grieving for a very long time. I'm happy for her that her loving marriage to your father opened her heart to finding love again.

Sorry I got corny at the end there.

[RitzyHeifer]

My mom didn't start dating until Dad had been gone a year (although she didn't tell us about it until a year later). My brother - I only have one - didn't go so far as to say he was sick about it, but he did tell me he was quite uncomfortable. He could at least acknowledge cognitively that Mom was in her late 50s and has too much ahead to be alone. My brother lives out of state and I live in same town as Mom so the dynamic is all different.

All that to say - it's fucking awkward and weird to me that my Mom has a boyfriend, but I see how happy she is and that it's a healthy relationship. So when my brother was going thru the pissed-off phase I could tell him to cool it because I could see Mom was in a good place. And we have the type of sibling-hood where I can tell him to STFU.

[chicago]

Thanks for posting this. My mom passed away six weeks ago and she and my dad had been married for 37 years. My siblings were out with him last weekend and he wasn't wearing his wedding ring, so all three of us started speculating about what that meant, what was going to happen if he started dating. All three of us are/were so stuck on how uncomfortable that would be for us and it was a nice wake-up call to read some of the perspectives here. I don't know how he's feeling about her death, but their marriage was probably over in many aspects years ago. Thanks for helping me see another side to this.

I'm sorry for your loss. 

[cleo29]

I know it is hard for you, but I would not begrudge your mom this. My mom has been a widow for nearly 33 years and is still single and it only gets harder the older you get. I wish so badly that she would find someone. It doesn't mean she didn't love your dad enough or doesn't still miss him, it's about her trying to just go on, day to day and find some happiness.

Big hugs

[kayl84]

Ex's dad died in Feb a few years back, by August she went on a trip and met a great guy. They recently got engaged and from what I hear everyone but my ex is okay with it. They too were married 31-32 years. If she's happy then your brother needs to understand that. It isn't easy I'm sure on her either, but she deserves to be happy too and not mourn forever.

[cleo29]

I also think the older the person is, the tougher it is to be alone.

I really want to start a dating site for older people and by older, I mean 65+.

[mrsjuleshs]

I understand how you feel. My step dad was actually friends with my parents via our next door neighbor who was like a little bro to my mom. My dad died at the end of July in 1996 when I was 16 and my brother was 13. They ended up hanging out all the time and it soon turned into a relationship about 4 months later. We were skeptical but he's an awesome guy so I was ok with it. They ended up getting married in 2001 and my brother still had a hard time with it. It took till about 5 years later for him to finally come around. My step dad is beyond amazing. We really can't judge a person's grieving process or how fast they find someone else. It's hard but they are adults and whether we agree or not it's their decision even if it can feel like a bit of a slap in the face and maybe for your brother like a betrayal.

[MarmeeNoir]

My mom has been gone over 8 years. I think my Dad is dating someone. It's really weird and I'm working hard on being okay with it.

[EmilieMadison]

I'm sorry your sibs are being shitboxes about this. Your mom is SO YOUNG. She's entitled to continue living her life and to look for happiness again.

[cleo29]

Oct 16, 2014 21:29:31 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

I think I'm okay with this because one of my biggest worries before and after my dad's death was my mom and what her life would look like.

You're being a good daughter during an incredibly tough time and doing what she needs you to do, which is just be supportive.

[dexteroni]

Oct 16, 2014 21:32:50 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

After talking to my other brother and sister, they're both uncomfortable with it but seem to be accepting it.

That's good. Hopefully your other brother will come around. For now, I think I would tell him he can feel however he wants, but that he needs to stop being an asshole to your mom.

Sorry about your loss. I honestly don't know how I would have felt if my mom started dating someone a few months after my dad died. I would be thrilled if she started dating someone nice now (it's been nearly 5 years), but she has zero interest.

[fezzik]

H's step dad passed away in March and MIL has been dating someone the last two months or so.

H was extremely close with his step dad and MIL is the only person in H's family that we haven't completely cut out of our lives. MIL introduced us to her new boyfriend a few weeks ago and it was a little hard on H. H was really nice to the boyfriend and boyfriend seemed like a pretty nice guy, but when we left H was a little bit wtf about her moving on so fast (he never said anything to MIL though). I understand his feelings, but at the same time I don't judge MIL one bit. She is in her upper 50s, has never lived alone in her life and I'm sure she's terrified of never finding another long term companion. H will get past it, as I'm sure your brother will. I think it's hard for them to feel like dad is being replaced (in their eyes).

[5thofjuly]

My great grandmother got remarried at 87. I remember the almost all of the family was up in arms- how dare she do this to great grandpa's memory? I have this vivid memory of a family gathering (you know-the kind where you kind of sneak on what the grown ups are saying when you're supposed to be playing with the other kids.) My dad said, "Have you ever eaten dinner alone? Even if she only lives another 4 months, 4 months is a long time to eat supper by yourself." She lived another 7 years, and died while hoeing her garden, a happy wife to her beloved second husband, and happy widow to her first.

It's not that you never loved your first spouse or are disrespecting their memory. It's that you're good at being married, and function better as a part of a team.

[savan]

I'd give your brother some time. My dad did something similar, only he moved in with the other woman within 4 months of my mom's death. I did not take it well. All I heard for months is how I should just get over it. That was even more upsetting, like I was being told how to grieve, or that my grief wasn't valid. It took my therapist telling me that it was okay to be upset and need more time to adjust for me to finally feel better. I wish everyone had just backed off.

[RoxMonster]

I understand your siblings' uncomfortableness and maybe anger, to some extent, but I don't think they should be discussing that in front of your mom or putting that on her.

I am not in the exact same position because it isn't my parent, but FIL died last April, and if MIL started dating someone new, it would be....weird. Like odd to see a different man in her house and go out and do things with a different man, etc. So I get the awkwardness initially. But life goes on. Your mom deserves to be happy. Like PP said, her marriage wasn't really the marriage she was used to for 30 years at the end because your dad was sick. It was the same way with FIL. My MIL grieved for him while he was still alive because he was not the same person at all. By the time he did pass, she was actually OK with it because she had already done her grieving for him and wanted him to be out of pain.

Regardless, it is such a tough situation. I hope your siblings come around and stop giving your mom a hard time. I'm glad it sounds like she has found someone who makes her happy.

[karenj]

My mom wasn't even gone a whole year when my dad started dating. I was really hurt at first. I didn't want him to be lonely but for goodness sakes he didn't even wait a year. The woman was really the pursuer. They are still dating 11 years later. It didn't help that my mom did not like this woman.