... The second the kids are in bed, DH constantly asks, "Do you want to play with my penis for awhile?" He says it feels nice like a backrub and isn't really sexual, but it drives me crazy and I hate doing it. He says he wishes I would do it without being asked. Am I weird that I don't just spontaneously reach in his pants?
no. /gavel
anyway I would say that we have sex drive mismatch issues off and on. I think lately we both realize lack of BCBC has been an issue and are trying to address it. Which is fun, but I think we'd both be okay if we felt we had the time & energy to address the issue more often. And I think that's mostly on me.
Scheduled sex has helped a lot for much of our marriage (especially post-kids).
If anyone wants to join me for the book club no one wants to be in, get a copy of the one I linked in the OP. FWIW, it makes no assumptions about which partner wants more/less sex.
Post by leonard131 on Oct 24, 2014 15:25:13 GMT -5
Put me in the same camp. It becomes an issue about once every 2 months. I feel like it is ground hog day because we have the same conversation again and again. What makes me annoyed is he will get all passive agressive when he feels like we don't have enough sex and wants to have the conversation about it.
That book, despite the unfortunate title, is really excellent. It is both validating and gently challenging. For all of you who are struggling with not having energy, one of the things it tells the higher drive partner is to 'believe them' when the lower drive partner tells you they can't focus because of x. So, if lower-drive partner is stressing about the bottles not being made up for daycare, the higher drive partner should hit pause and go make up the bottles. Because if that's really all that's standing in the way, why wouldn't you?
I find that we have an initiation problem. My DH is awful awful awful at initiating. It is incredibly hurtful. It makes me feel like he doesn't desire me in that way, and like others have said, it's disheartening to hear about other husbands who seem to have more interest in their wives. I have worn lingerie to bed (not my usual attire) and got nada. I feel like 99% of guys would get that memo.
But right now, sometimes I am grateful that he's not more into it. I'm really tired. I haven't STTN in almost a year and a half. And I do find it hard to want to reach out and connect when I'm running on fumes already.
Gah, I just feel like he's so disengaged. Like he just watches movies after DD goes to bed 6/7 nights. I don't want to bone if we aren't connecting. He actually agrees with me on that, but feels like he needs alone time to be able to connect in the first place, so...
Gah, I just feel like he's so disengaged. Like he just watches movies after DD goes to bed 6/7 nights. I don't want to bone if we aren't connecting. He actually agrees with me on that, but feels like he needs alone time to be able to connect in the first place, so...
YES. like, i want to have sex and then he just sits on his phone and wonders why i say no later.
Can I ask a weird question? Does anyone play with their husband's junk when you're just hanging out without the intention of moving on to sex? The second the kids are in bed, DH constantly asks, "Do you want to play with my penis for awhile?" He says it feels nice like a backrub and isn't really sexual, but it drives me crazy and I hate doing it. He says he wishes I would do it without being asked. Am I weird that I don't just spontaneously reach in his pants?
Dh really likes this too. I often do when we're in bed and getting comfy and ready to sleep. He likes to be teased and says it just feels nice. It's just like a 30s feel-up though, not "awhile". Pretty sure anything characterized as "awhile" would lead to a mess and I have no interest in giving nightly hand jobs
My H's drive is lower than mine and I always feel like something is wrong with me because other women's husbands can't stay off of them.
Cosigned.
Send your 17 year olds my way. I mean, don't, that's gross, but I know what it feels like from the other side of the fence.
I was here until we had DS, who was the worst sleeper ever. Now I'm grateful for the extra sleep, lol. Silver lining to sleep deprivation- you have something to look forward to krystee!
Post by oregonpachey on Oct 24, 2014 19:15:28 GMT -5
This is the number one issue in our marriage. DH has low testosterone which causes a multitude of issues including low drive. He never wants to. Like NEVER. In a years time we have had sex once.
I am not asking for nightly but even once a month would be nice.
I might pick up that book, but in the meantime, we are going away for our anniversary and we have committed to having sex at least once.
Neither of us have raging sex drives. We both seem kind of fine not having sex too often in this current phase of life, but that kind of bothers me. I guess it doesn't bother me enough to initiate more, but I want him to want it. It's hard to articulate.
Hope you ladies don't mind a lurker jumping in here to commiserate... I too am so appreciative to discover that I'm not alone in this. My H and I have had sex twice since our daughter was born nine months ago. We did it maybe 3 times while I was pregnant, and nothing past 16 weeks or so when I first started feeling her kicks. There are a few different factors involved, one of which involves health issues. Which then leads to me feeling like the bad guy for getting frustrated. I used to occasionally joke that the planets have to align in order for us to be able to get together. It's really starting to feel like this is not so far from the truth:(
Post by winecheery on Oct 24, 2014 19:53:41 GMT -5
I feel like…we're ok overall in this department. It could be better in terms of frequency, but we both seem to want it about the same amount. Maybe me a little more; I really like doing it, tbh. I guess I'm a minority. I have actually never said no to him, because I'm pretty much always game. (only after DD, initially, because sex scared the shit out of me. But I caved at like 6-7 weeks tho I was cleared at 5. Maybe it was 8 weeks. Whatever.)
But the thing we're not spot on with is timing lately. Like, I'll want to dive in right after DD goes to bed, because that's when I have energy, and he will need more time to relax/unwind, etc so when he comes to bed I'm often asleep!
Back in our "youth," he'd wake me up in the middle of the night if we went to bed at different times, and it was so fun! But now…now he probably is afraid I'll yell at him or something, since we don't get to sleep in anymore. And he is also kind of lazy about it too, like he will text me the next day at work and be all, "I wanted sexee tymes last night" and I'll be like "Dude. Not a mind reader, andplusalso you gave zero hints alllll night!" I guess with us it's communication more then drive. It's still not a problem tho. Just could be improved upon.
This is the number one issue in our marriage. DH has low testosterone which causes a multitude of issues including low drive. He never wants to. Like NEVER. In a years time we have had sex once.
I am not asking for nightly but even once a month would be nice.
I might pick up that book, but in the meantime, we are going away for our anniversary and we have committed to having sex at least once.
This is me. I have thought many times: Once a month! I'm not exactly asking for the world here. I just need to grow some balls and stop being afraid to have the serious discussion.
Yes, it has been an issue for almost our entire marriage. His love language is physical touch, and touch is the bottom of my list. And he seems to think that any touch should lead to full blown sex while sometimes, er, most of the time, i am good with just some cuddles. Why does every kiss have to be making out? Ugh. And please stop grabbing my ass and making moves on me while I am doing dishes or making dinner. It just irritates me, does not turn me on, i tell him this but he either forgets or doesnt belive me.
OMG, this drives me crazy. I do not feel sexy doing the dishes. Quit grabbing my ass when I am getting something out of the oven. What would be sexy? YOU finish doing the dishes, then we'll talk.
Post by hockeywife on Oct 24, 2014 21:30:48 GMT -5
Well this post was timely. We just got into a huge fight about this tonight.
I said some horribly mean things too (about DH's weight gain) bc I'm exhausted, stressed, and sick. And i wish I could take it back. I feel terrible, esp knowing that had he said that stuff to me I would never forgive him. Ugh. I'm an asshole.
Me three. I've tired of asking and getting shot down. It's a total esteem buster.
Me four.
I once told a therapist this, and the first thing she asked me was, "are you sure he isn't gay?" Why is it that women can have a low sex drive and no one thinks anything of it, but if a guy has a low sex drive, it's clearly because he isn't attracted to me anymore, and, more specifically, he's not attracted to women at all anymore? Needless to say, I did not return to her.
I once told a therapist this, and the first thing she asked me was, "are you sure he isn't gay?" Why is it that women can have a low sex drive and no one thinks anything of it, but if a guy has a low sex drive, it's clearly because he isn't attracted to me anymore, and, more specifically, he's not attracted to women at all anymore? Needless to say, I did not return to her.
Post by nonsenseabound on Oct 24, 2014 22:29:24 GMT -5
Yep, my sex drive is higher than dh as well.
From the other side, it is very hurtful when your partner constantly says no. Especially when sex is a way to feel connected. It makes me feel unattractive and undesirable. My husband loves me and I know he is not with anyone else.
I try to respect his sexual drive but I need to feel like he understands my needs as well. I think that agreeing on certain windows is a good thing. I am more like 1-2x per week of good sex and he would be happy with one time every 7-10 days.
I once told a therapist this, and the first thing she asked me was, "are you sure he isn't gay?" Why is it that women can have a low sex drive and no one thinks anything of it, but if a guy has a low sex drive, it's clearly because he isn't attracted to me anymore, and, more specifically, he's not attracted to women at all anymore? Needless to say, I did not return to her.
Sometimes I have wondered this myself too. But you make a good point.
This is a HUGE issue in our marriage. Its done some damage to my self esteem to feel like my husband does not desire me. We have had SO many talks about it and i am just tired of asking for affection and intimacy. I feel extremely disconnected as a couple, and this is one reason.
I have to say, I am grateful for this thread and everyone's honesty. Its nice to know I am not alone in my feelings.
*hugs* I'll sit on this couch with you. It's not a comfy couch.
Post by oregonpachey on Oct 25, 2014 21:21:21 GMT -5
soxin2 it is terribly frustrating because he won't go to the doctor and get it taken care of. He is having other health issues as well because of the low T. I am not sure how I can get him to go other than threaten divorce, which I will not do.
oregonpachey - my H did go to the doctor, and got a script for meds, which has helped some but not totally with the T. It's the cooccuring stuff he won't deal with. And his medicated T level is still low for a guy his age.
Doesn't affect my ability to get pg tho?? :/
We didn't for two months. One time. Next thing I know? Heartburn like 1.5w after. When I delivered DS late everyone was all "maybe your dates are off?" Ha. Nope. That once in a blue moon was definitely it (but I don't tell them that.) I'm just like "I know my dates" and leave it mysterious. They can assume from there.
But, yeah, his cooccuring stuff and general aversion to doctors? Not helping the *staying connected* part of marriage.
Post by dancingirl21 on Oct 26, 2014 9:09:41 GMT -5
Earlier in this post I said DH wants it way more than me. Since DS has been born, we were lucky to do it once a week. I stopped taking bc pills 2 weeks ago and think my drive is just now coming back. DH and I got it on the last 2 days and it was really good. I never thought bc affected my drive but now I am really thinking it does.
Earlier in this post I said DH wants it way more than me. Since DS has been born, we were lucky to do it once a week. I stopped taking bc pills 2 weeks ago and think my drive is just now coming back. DH and I got it on the last 2 days and it was really good. I never thought bc affected my drive but now I am really thinking it does.
The problem with BC pills is that often the side effects aren't sudden and they creep on slowly, so you have no idea that it has affected you until you stop. I realized that I was so happy once I got off the pills.. I didn't realize that I had been mildly depressed when I was on them. H even commented when I went off that he hadn't seen me smile so much in years.