Post by pinkdutchtulips on Oct 26, 2014 13:21:47 GMT -5
i might not be married anymore but this WAS a point of contention ... a BIG one. when we met i was 26, he was 31 and the sex was great the first couple years. it started to taper off (happens in all relationships) but over time it became non existent. we didn't have sex on our wedding night much during our 3 day mini-moon honeymoon lol we did manage to become pg lol but once dd came - bt working ft, commuting 3 hrs/day PLUS all of the household stuff the dead last thing on my mind was sex. then h was NOT happy about it and quite frankly i didn't care. part of it was that i just could NOT get in the mood -- it's hard when there's so much resentment going on. he wanted me to initiate more but it was hard bc i wasn't in the mood and quite frankly there wasn't anything getting me INTO the mood. i tried faking it til i could make it, i tried to initiate only to have him brush me aside - we were at an impasse and i gave up.
there was no couples counseling, there were no CTJ talks .... the lack of sex wasn't what primarily caused our demise but i'm sure it helped it along. we no longer felt connected to each other and he relapse did us no favors either.
we've been separated for a little over a year and divorce proceedings should be done by early next year and oddly enough my sex drive has come back - a teensy tinny bit. i don't miss sex .. i'm sure someday i won't but right now ... i'm take it or leave it when it comes to sex.
Post by ellipses84 on Oct 26, 2014 13:56:56 GMT -5
Same story. I think we need to get that book based on the descriptions. DH's terrible approach and our unresolved relationship issues are definitely our problem. Grabbing my ass, taking even the slightest sign of affection as a guarantee that he will get some later and acting like a jerk or throwing man-tantrums when he doesn't, being greedy and always wanting more/longer/more adventurous sex when I am a willing partner are serious turn-offs. We definitely have other issues in our marriage and it makes me upset that to him this is the biggest issue in our marriage, when I am really considering divorce for other reasons. I feel like if we fixed our other issues, I would want to be intimate more. He swears that other married couples have sex more often then us and I tell him that tons of people have this exact same issue. We have sex 1-2 times a week, which I think should be enough.
We've been together 10 years, married for 6. We used to have an amazing sex life, but his sex drive started to wane, pregnancy and having a baby were rough on me physically, then suddenly his sex drive came back like a 17 year old's and we are on completely different wavelengths. It doesn't help that we both have stressful, demanding jobs with different schedules so the amount of time we spend in the same room together is limited, except for when I'm exhausted and need to be sleeping so I can function the next day.
We both go through phases where our drives are higher than the other one. It's been a long time since we both had a high sex drive at the same time! Our sex life has been in the dumps lately. I'm so sore by the time we get to bed that the very last thing I want is anything touching me anywhere!
I'm also guilty of getting turned off incredibly easily. I can wake up in the morning with every intention of having sex with H that night and looking forward to it, then he says or does something that irritates me and I'm done for the day. I get that it's not entirely fair to him, especially since he mostly doesn't realize any of this is happening, but I don't know how to fix it.
It doesn't help that I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant and I'm not exactly feeling sexy or even comfortable for that matter. DD saw me naked the other day and compared my belly to the moon. That does not make feel comfortable with H seeing me naked!
Neither of us have raging sex drives. We both seem kind of fine not having sex too often in this current phase of life, but that kind of bothers me. I guess it doesn't bother me enough to initiate more, but I want him to want it. It's hard to articulate.
This is basically us. We have sex maybe 2-3 times a month on average. It kind of bothers me in that we're fairly young and I just feel like we should have sex more often, but neither of us really *wants* it more often. We're very physically affectionate and touchy, but actual sex doesn't happen often.
We've had conversations about both of us initiating more often, but it just hasn't really happened. I think I'm finally getting to a place where I'm ok with it.
Post by SallySparrow on Oct 26, 2014 18:55:47 GMT -5
I feel like we're pretty evenly matched, which is to say that we're both okay with how little we seem to be doing it. We have other issues. Like, we're both so...laid back isn't the right phrase, but sometimes I don't even realize he's trying to initiate anything. So then I feel like I always initiate. Which isn't great for my ego.
So I basically got shot down twice this weekend. Needless to say I am hurt and angry. What is the solution here? What are some of you doing to improve this situation?
I literally feel like I would be happier not married at this point (for this and many other reasons)
Did you talk about it and ask him why? I know this is the cliche answer, but it sounds like you could possibly benefit from counseling (if you haven't tried this already).
So I basically got shot down twice this weekend. Needless to say I am hurt and angry. What is the solution here? What are some of you doing to improve this situation?
I literally feel like I would be happier not married at this point (for this and many other reasons)
Did you talk about it and ask him why? I know this is the cliche answer, but it sounds like you could possibly benefit from counseling (if you haven't tried this already).
I agree. He started seeing a counselor. I have not gone yet. I would love to go together soon.
He wasn't in the mood..tired...the usual....we have sex maybe once a month. no bueno.
littlemisschatty, we bought the book I linked in my OP. It's written by a sex/marriage therapist. I feel like it would be really hard to find a therapist for us in our relatively small town, and we're reluctant to have these conversations with a third party at this point, so for us, we'll start with a book and see what happens.
We did have a good weekend - we're working on spending more time together and on more non-sexual touching. I definitely feel more into sex if we've been holding hands and such a lot. And less into it if the only time we touch is to get it on.
Story of my life. I don't know how many times we have both went to bed angry because he wants it and I don't. I hate getting the guilt trips that there must be something wrong with me. I just don't care for sex and don't have a desire for it, my husband is the opposite. Sometimes I have sex just because I know he's going to give me a hard time. I usually fake orgasm just to get him off me. It's pretty romantic over at our house.
It's actually really helping us both. I'd highly recommend it, and we're only through the first 3 chapters. The Sex-Starved Marriage is the unfortunate title. I joke about our $12 therapist (and it's only $8 in the US!), but it really is helping us have conversations we've failed at for ten years.