Inappropriate Touching in Kinder - PLEASE

[jcm]

This may is really need some help here.  

DD attends a very small private Episcopal School.

Yesterday when I picked DD up from Kinder she was really upset & I could tell she had been crying.  Her teacher said it was because she didn't have her green folder & wasn't allowed to go shopping that day (they get stamps & after 10 stamps they can go shopping) since the teacher didn't know how many stamps she had.  Well on the way home DD started crying again & said she was really scared.  She can be difficult to open up to me if she thinks she's done something wrong.  One example, a year ago she grabbed the cat's tail & didn't want to tell me cause she thought she'd get in trouble.  So, I thought maybe it was something like this, such as jumping off the table which she had gotten in trouble for as school last week.  She said it wasn't that & just refused to say anything other than she was really, really scared & was really sobbing.  When we got home I finally got her to talk to me & tell me what happened.  Well, yesterday during writing time while she was at her table a boy that sits across from her told her she could use his sliver crayon if she did something.  They went under the table & he asked her to pull her shorts & panties down & she did, then he touched her genitals.  At that point I think she knew it wasn't right & pulled her panties back up & got out from under the table.  This all happened when the teacher was at her desk speaking of the director of the school!  DD thought she was going to get sick and die due to germs.  This is what she was most upset about.  I have spoken to her teacher & the school director about this.  The teacher let it slip that this child is "out of control" & after speaking with his parents about the incident they shared with her he had been sexually abused & they are concerned that it may still be going on now.  After speaking with my husband (who is OOT) who has had extensive training with sexually abused children (him & his 1st wife fostered sexually abused children) he said I could have told you that due to the nature of the exchange, you do this for me & I'll do this for you, which is referred in the sexual abuse world as bartering that this child has been exposed to some sort of sexual abuse.  The boy won't be at school today or tomorrow & the parents are going in for a meeting on Monday.  My DH said he will not send DD back to that school unless the boy is removed from the school because at this point he is becoming an abuser & this goes far beyond childhood curiosity.  Again, this is a private school so this is a possibility. DH & I both feel for the little boy, my heartbreaks for this poor child & know it's not "his fault" & he needs specialized therapy to get through his abuse & not become an abuser himself.  We have let the school know our feelings and what would our outcome would be if he was not removed from the school.  I fear for not only my daughter but all the kids in the K class since this went on right under the teacher & school directors "watch".  

Please let me know if we are being reasonable or if our emotions are running our logic.  I am heartbroken that this happened to my 5 YO little girl at school.

If you've read this thank you very, very much. 

[scattered]

I am actually in tears reading this and I have a cold dead heart so that says something.

I would absolutely remove your DD from the school and possibly consider sending her elsewhere. I might also talk to her pedi about the need for a counselor just to talk to her about what happened.

I'd hotline that child. 100% absolutely no question hotline that kid. The more reports the more likely his family will be investigated and he can be helped. I used to work in that field so I'm familiar with how those calls work.

I am so so sorry this happened to your child. Hugs.

[amynumbers]

I am just so sorry. That's all I got.

[asullivan79]

I am so very sorry your daughter (and you) are going through this. I would actually probably pull my child out regardless if the boy returned or not. I just couldn't go back there and couldn't ask my son to go back there.

I also would talk to my pedi and possibly find out about therapy.

Thank God your daughter opened up to you.

[cna]

Oh geez that broke my heart. You most certainly could pull her out of that school and place her elsewhere, and definitely get her some counseling. The thing is that little boy needs someone in his corner too. He thinks that kind of thing is ok because that's all he knows and nobody ever told him differently. Someone needs to report this and continue reporting until something is done to remove him from that abusive situation. It's just a horrible thing all the way around.

[quesyrah]

I am so sorry. My heart breaks for not only your DD but the little boy as well. That being said, I would pull your daughter and move her to a different school. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. My heart break for both kids in this scenario

[minismama]

I am so so sorry this happened. I agree with Scattered and would definitely talk to the pedi. I would 100% suggest seeing a counselor.
I would also remove my child from the school. I am bothered by the fact that a teacher and director were in the room and no one told 2 children to come out from under a desk. I am bothered by the fact that she wasn't really concerned over how upset your daughter was (since it is out of character for her). I am bothered by the fact that they let it "slip" that another student was sexually abused. I am bothered by the fact that they are waiting until Monday for a meeting. No no no just no.
My kid would not be walking back into the classroom.
I do not think your emotions are ruining your logic. I can't tell you what my emotions would be if I was in your situation. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry.

What they said. Let your dd know the boy'a choice was not ok and praise her profusely for telling you what happened. Counseling perhaps? And yeah...an extra call on the boy's behalf too. So sad all around.

I'm not sure I could send my kid back either...so sorry. I just want to hug you all.

[amynumbers]

Oct 30, 2014 9:56:04 GMT -5 minismama said:

I am so so sorry this happened. I agree with Scattered and would definitely talk to the pedi. I would 100% suggest seeing a counselor.
I would also remove my child from the school. I am bothered by the fact that a teacher and director were in the room and no one told 2 children to come out from under a desk. I am bothered by the fact that she wasn't really concerned over how upset your daughter was (since it is out of character for her). I am bothered by the fact that they let it "slip" that another student was sexually abused. I am bothered by the fact that they are waiting until Monday for a meeting. No no no just no.
My kid would not be walking back into the classroom.
I do not think your emotions are ruining your logic. I can't tell you what my emotions would be if I was in your situation. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Ditto this -- there seems to be a very dangerous lack of professionalism going on there.

[cna]

Aren't teachers mandated reporters? Because someone dropped the ball here.

[ashb62]

My heart hurts for your DD and that little boy. I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this.

[panicked]

Usually, I tend to think people overreact here. You are NOT Overreacting. I think you are doing everything you can do. I would absolutely have your child see a counselor to help her process this, and work on opening up to you more in the future so that she knows it's okay to say something if anything happens again. T&p to you and her.

[rockyrollgirl]

I am so sorry.

[ashaw512]

I couldn't read that without crying. I'm sorry that happened to your DD, my heart breaks for both of the kids. I agree going to your pedi, I think it would help your DD feel ok to tell you or the teacher if it were to happen again. Let the pedi tell her it's ok to tell when something like that happens, bc if she's scared to tell you that she pulled the cats tail or jumped off the table she's going to be scared to tell you if it happens again later in life. Even if you tell her don't be scared to tell you if anything happens, she's still going to be scared to you and she's not going to get in trouble by the pedi. How anyone could abuse children makes me sick, that family needs to be checked out.

[jcm]

Thank you all very much for your responses I really appreciate hearing everyone's take, suggestions & opinions on this. I will give DD's pedi a call to see what he suggests. That's something I hadn't thought of, probably because my mind is going in a million directions right now. I have a headache & am on the verge of crying. I did cry yesterday a few times but didn't let DD see me. I have let her know what happened was not ok, it wasn't her fault.

[lattelady5]

Oct 30, 2014 9:56:04 GMT -5 minismama said:

I am so so sorry this happened. I agree with Scattered and would definitely talk to the pedi. I would 100% suggest seeing a counselor.
I would also remove my child from the school. I am bothered by the fact that a teacher and director were in the room and no one told 2 children to come out from under a desk. I am bothered by the fact that she wasn't really concerned over how upset your daughter was (since it is out of character for her). I am bothered by the fact that they let it "slip" that another student was sexually abused. I am bothered by the fact that they are waiting until Monday for a meeting. No no no just no.
My kid would not be walking back into the classroom.
I do not think your emotions are ruining your logic. I can't tell you what my emotions would be if I was in your situation. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

All of this.

I am so.so sorry you have to deal with this.

[toots]

Oh your poor little girl. My heart just breaks for her. But I'm so glad she opened up to you.

You are not over reacting! Definitely seek counseling for your dh. And report that little boy's family. I'm horrified that the said he may still be in a cycle of abuse. He needs someone in his corner more than anyone.

My thoughts go out to you in this tough time. Snuggle that little girl of yours a little extra today.

[captainmal]

I'm so sorry. That's heartbreaking. I agree with what everyone else said. Especially praising your DD for telling you what happened.

[beantrees]

I am so sorry. I agree with everything that has been said.

[dizzycooks]

I would absolutely report it to CPS and the school. My gut says to pull your daughter, but then I wonder if she would feel like she was in trouble if you did that. You want her to continue talking to you. I don't know. Maybe there's a good transition point to move her to a new school?  And no, you are not overreacting.  I'd be livid, furious, scared, thankful, sad, and any number of other emotions.

[jensriot]

I agree with everyone else. You are not overreacting. As a child of abuse, I strongly recommend counseling for your DD.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2014 9:56:04 GMT -5 minismama said:

I am so so sorry this happened. I agree with Scattered and would definitely talk to the pedi. I would 100% suggest seeing a counselor.
I would also remove my child from the school. I am bothered by the fact that a teacher and director were in the room and no one told 2 children to come out from under a desk. I am bothered by the fact that she wasn't really concerned over how upset your daughter was (since it is out of character for her). I am bothered by the fact that they let it "slip" that another student was sexually abused. I am bothered by the fact that they are waiting until Monday for a meeting. No no no just no.
My kid would not be walking back into the classroom.
I do not think your emotions are ruining your logic. I can't tell you what my emotions would be if I was in your situation. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

All of this. I just want to say that I am so sorry for you, your h and your Dd. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I don't think you are overreacting at all. My thoughts are with you.

[gwapes]

Just echoing pretty much all PPs here. Just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for you and your daughter

[knkc]

I am so sorry that your family is dealing with this as well as the little boy. I totally agree with your decision and my daughter would absolutely not go back if the abuser is still there. Your daughter is lucky to have two supportive parents. I am also really glad that your daughter opened up to you.

[Rainyday]

I have a 5yo daughter, this breaks my heart and makes me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry you all are going through this.
I have no advice about the school but agree that she should talk to a professional. Teaching her it's not her fault and how to keep her safe in the future. Ugghh I hate this for you.

[Deleted]

I'm so, so, so very sorry. I'm all teared up reading this.

If it were MY child, I'd pull her immediately, but would follow through however you can to report the abuser and ensure he is removed from the school I'd call your pedi and see what they recommend. And I'd probably take your DD to a child psychologist, and would probably take her for therapy so that she can talk what happened out and/or gain some semblance of safety back.

Again, I'm so very sorry your family is going through this.

[magentawarped]

I'm so sorry that your family has to go through this. If I were you, I would pull her out of the school immediately, for several reasons. The lack of supervision, the sharing of sensitive information, the lack of immediate action...all of these are red flags to me. I would put in a call to children's services as well, as PPs have said.

The hard part is going to be helping your daughter understand that this is not her fault and that she is not being punished. Explain to her that it was her teachers' responsibility to help keep her safe, and they failed her, and that is why she is going to go somewhere else. A counselor or psychologist can help with what to say.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

[thecheshirekat]

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation .

[katemw]

I am so so sorry. I agree with whatever everybody else said. Take care of her and your family, this is such a hard horrible thing to have to deal with.