New Mom Question

[whiskeyandwine]

If your family is OOT and stays with you when they visit, how soon after your baby was born did they come to see you?

My parents are about 4 hours away, and I know they will want to come immediately. Like, start driving when I go to the hospital and get here. My H wants to have at least one night at home before anybody is staying with us.

I think my H has a good point, and also know that it will be hard to tell my parents not to come for three or four days.

WWYD?

[kategm]

My parents and ILs were there at the hospital when she was born. My parents stayed with us the night she was home and my ILs were in a hotel. My mom stayed a week and my ILs and dad left the day after. Will your family stay in a hotel for the first night home to appease your H?

[VillainV]

If you want a day or two at home before you have visitors, then don't be afraid to tell them that. If you feel comfortable, then let them come visit in the hospital to see baby, and come back a few days later to stay at your house. Personally, I was glad we had a week at home before visitors came. It gave us a chance to figure out routines, get established with BFing, etc.

[indylady]

I'm with your H. My mom was there when I delivered and we're very close. But no one stayed with us (at our request). It's just a lot going on with a new baby crying and constantly up to eat and then having guests.

[Brie]

My mom and sister arrived the night we got home from the hospital. It was a terrible idea because I was a hormonal mess and paranoid they weren't having any fun watching me sit around and nurse all day.

This time no overnight visitors (besides MIL who is watching C) until at least a week after we get home.

[sixtwelve]

My in laws just left. They came when my baby was 4 days old and I had been home from the hospital for two days. It was too soon for me. They did help entertain my other two but I just wanted to be alone with my family to adjust. Definitely speak up about your wishes.

[whiskeyandwine]

Nov 29, 2014 18:36:49 GMT -5 kategm said:

My parents and ILs were there at the hospital when she was born. My parents stayed with us the night she was home and my ILs were in a hotel. My mom stayed a week and my ILs and dad left the day after. Will your family stay in a hotel for the first night home to appease your H?

I think they would totally understand if I told them they were welcome to come but we would prefer they get a hotel...I think. Lol. They can be unpredictable.

[whiskeyandwine]

Thanks everybody. I have a really hard time telling my parents what I want and generally give in to them on everything but I feel like my H is really right about getting home and settled. I just need to tell them this...

[cricketwife]

And it's not just about time to bond as a family, although that alone is reason enough, you may be in a lot of physical pain and simply not want an audience tor that. The cries of pain that accompanied every visit to the bathroom were way worse than those during L &D. Personally, I would not prearrange anything, but tell them you will call when you are ready for visitors --for some that's day 1 and for others it's much longer.

[Deleted]

Gonna channel my inner @tokenhoser here with being bluntly awesome: there's this thing called a hotel. Your parents should try it. They can come visit the new baby for a few hours on YOUR schedule, then retreat to their hotel. Bam, they get baby time and you don't have house guests at >1 week post-partum.

[chickadee77]

We had anticipated my sister staying with us for the birth and following week, but L came two weeks early. In retrospect, I was glad to have a little time on our own - the first few nights were a clusterfuck as we tried to figure out what worked best for breastfeeding, and rotating sleep between us, etc. My sister was an awesome help when she came, but it was nice to already have a small idea of what was going on with just us.

[whiskeyandwine]

I am really happy that you all are confirming what I already thought - company is probably a no go for a bit.

[teatimefor2]

I'm going to go against the PPs and say it depends on your relationship with your family. We were overseas when we had DS1 and because late. My mom was already in town and it worked out great. We have a wonderful relationship and she respects us. We would call eat dinner together, she'd clean up and them go to room room for the night to read, watch TV, etc.

Second time aroybd, she came came early to watch DS1. It worked out well and now she has a full in law suite. She comes back for a week next month, I don't know who is more excited my son, my DH or me.

If you have clear boundaries, it can be very positive and helpful not to worry about cooking, cleaning, etc.

[Jalapeñomel]

My mom was here the day after D was born, and she stayed for two weeks.  I am so grateful that she was able to do it, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. 

[scribellesam]

My mom came the day of with DS1, and my dad came a day or two after. I loved having them here but they aren't exactly house guests - they cooked all our meals, cleaned, ran errands for us, and held the baby so I could sleep. They chose to sleep at a hotel, though, reasoning that they could help more if they were well rested.

[whiskeyandwine]

Nov 29, 2014 19:46:27 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

My mom was here the day after D was born, and she stayed for two weeks.  I am so grateful that she was able to do it, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. 

My mom would be AMAZING and helpful. I think my dad would drive me (and E, mostly) insane.

I probably shouldn't think about this after having been with them for three days. Lol. I already have parental burnout.

[nessness]

My mom came the day before my due date. DD was 4 days late so she ended "wasting" a lot of her trip before DD was born, but she had to fly so it was hard to know when to have her come. I appreciated her being there right away - she took care of my dogs and teenage nephew while I was in the hospital and cooked and watched the baby when we came home so DH and I could get some rest.

However, you know your family best and how helpful they'll be. Don't have anyone visit immediately that you'll feel like you have to "host."

[Jalapeñomel]

Nov 29, 2014 19:51:55 GMT -5 whiskeyandwine said:

Nov 29, 2014 19:46:27 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

My mom was here the day after D was born, and she stayed for two weeks.  I am so grateful that she was able to do it, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. 

My mom would be AMAZING and helpful. I think my dad would drive me (and E, mostly) insane.

I probably shouldn't think about this after having been with them for three days. Lol. I already have parental burnout.

Then for sure, make them wait. Mother last thing you and E will need is someone driving you crazy...well besides the baby.  

[Pilsy]

My MIL wasn’t interested in visiting right away, so H’s side of the family was no issue when it came to visiting overnight too soon. (His sister is local and came to the hospital but would never need to stay with us.)

My dad would have been happy to wait, but my mom wanted to be in the delivery room or, at the very least, at the hospital during the birth. I preferred having some time alone with the baby before having any hospital visitors and did not want anyone staying with us when we arrived home with her. This resulted in a couple tough conversations with my mom, some temporarily hurt feelings, and some guilt. We ultimately settled on this plan: I would call them while in labor and they would stay at our house until we came home from the hospital, at which point they’d go to a nearby hotel if I still wanted some space and they wanted to stay in town rather than returning home (several hours away, but driving, no flying necessary).

In reality, my labor progressed so quickly, we didn’t get to call them until about an hour before the baby was born, so they were still en route when she was born. They went to our house immediately, in the middle of the night, and didn’t visit the hospital until we called and asked them to come around 9 the next morning. My mom got over it pretty quickly since 1) BABY! and 2) I had very little control over the situation.

I was in the hospital a total of three nights since E was actually born overnight, and my parents decided to head home the day we came home. Then, my mom came and stayed with me for three nights about three weeks later. It all worked out VERY well for us. Truly, though, I’m in the enviable position of knowing my mom would have stayed had I needed her and changed my mind about having her stay with me immediately. She was also incredibly helpful when she came back to visit and stayed with us. I never questioned whether she would be; I happen to like my space despite being extremely close with her.

[yellowbrkrd]

I think it depends on the family dynamic. I would have no issue with my mom staying with us immediately. And although my MIL is extremely generous and helpful, I am not as comfortable being myself around her and would have a hard time relying on her.

That said, my in-laws live across the country and came when M was 3 weeks. I think it worked out pretty well.

[deo]

I think you just have to decide what is easier for you.

First time my ILs arrived while we were at the hospital and stayed at our house while I was in the hospital but I can't remember the reason but they left for home before I was even discharged from the hospital (they visited us at the hospital). My family came and stayed at our house 4 days later so we had some buffer time.

Second time, my parents arrived before I went into labor because we needed to have someone stay with DS1. They left the day after we came home from the hospital. ILs arrived a week later.

[livinitup]

My mom and sister came the 2nd night after the birth. I was in a birth center, in a hospital, and they ordered-in dinner. It was great. DH and I had time with the baby in the hospital setting, they took DH back to our home - just when he needed it. We were ready for discharge the next day. It was very good.

I thought it would be hard having people in the house - but the extra arms were GREAT! My dad came that weekend , ILs visited with lunch. My mom stayed 2 weeks and it was a HUGE SURPRISE TO ME that I liked and enjoyed her company.

[awkwardpenguin]

We're debating this in our house too. I think we need a week or two on our own. DW wants the help right away.

[Deleted]

My parents drove up three hours the night he was born and visited us in the hospital for an hour, then drove back home. They came back again a few days later, as did my inlaws. No one stayed with us (no room). Next time no one will stay overnight until we are ready for them. My inlaws DGAF so I'm not worried about them trying to come up but I think my parents will likely only make a day trip, maybe a quick overnight.

[purplecow0206]

My parents told me that they were driving down when I left the hospital the day I gave birth (I left the hospital on a Thursday and they were here through the weekend). They did stay in a hotel nearby and I was so glad to have them there. I wouldn't, however, had wanted them there. There was entirely too much we were working through in those first weeks.

[kershnic]

Our situation is a little different because the girls were in the NICU, but they were born on a Thursday. My sister came on the weekend and stayed in our house alone while we were still in the hospital, then left when I got discharged. Baby A came home 10 days later, then baby B came home 4 more days later. That night my sister came back and stayed the weekend, then my MIL came and stayed for a week, and basically as she was departing my parents arrived and stayed for a week. Clearly I have a higher tolerance for house guests than many MMM, but it's just our reality. And we had twins in a 2-bedroom apartment.

Having a guest arrive the day baby B was discharged was really hard - and my sister is the easiest guest on the planet (we've lived with her as adults, so we seriously just treat each other's homes as our own.) It was awesome to have her visit in the hospital, but I would have loved to have at least 1-2 nights at home alone without any guests before anyone came to stay.

I think the idea of having your parents get a hotel for a night or two is very positive.

[krystee]

My ILs want to come the weekend after he is born, so anywhere from two to six days old. They will be in a hotel and my parents (who are local) will be called on to entertain them if we need some time alone.

[jorja]

My Mom came up while I was in labor and was with me in the hospital until I started pushing. She stayed at our house while we were in the hospital and did our laundry, cleaned, and took care of our pets. She left the day we came home, but came back a few days later. I wish she has been able to stay and been there the first few nights we were home.

I was a damn mess for the first few days out of the hospital, and immediately felt so much better when she came back, but that could have just been the timing with my hormones. She was incredibly helpful and is easy to be around for me, though, so I think that definitely comes into play.

[jewel]

I think a hotel is definitely your best bet. If things happen to go really well, and you decide that you'd like to have them at your house instead, you can always change plans then. It's much easier to switch this way, than the other way around.

FWIW - there is NO WAY in hell I would have wanted anyone on earth to stay at my house during the first week. I barely tolerated short visitors.

[Deleted]

My mom is useful. She's not "a guest". She's my mom - she cooks and cleans and takes care of us when we need it. She's always welcome. She came when my kids were born, and she stayed with us.

We have room, though (a guest room and full bath in the basement). She's nice and gets along with DH and has good instincts about backing off. When she went to see my sister in Australia, she stayed with other people (that my sister found) because no one could afford a hotel and my sister's house was TINY. It was nice because she went over in the morning and left after dinner and they had their evenings to bond and have space.

There isn't a right answer. It depends how you feel, and it's okay to ask people (even parents) to respect that. I knew my mom would be an asset to have around, and she was.