So our new tenant moved in on Saturday night and it only took her until right now to ask for childcare help. I knew it would happen, and I'm okay with helping out. I'm just a little nervous that it's happening already because I don't really want it to become something I do all the time. But I feel like I can't say no because I am free to help and the whole point of this is helping her get back on her feet and obviously she can't work if she doesn't have childcare.
What kind of guidelines would you set? That I'll only do it one night a week or something like that?
Yes, and that she needs to make other plans at all other times. She's been managing this so far, she can continue to do so. Make it a part of her living there.
I'm not really sure what her arrangements were. For the past couple months she's been living in section 8 housing with a friend whose child also goes to the school and I think that mom worked more "normal" hours so she would pick her kid and the daughter up and take them home with her. Mom works 9-2:30 and then 3-11. She's asking me to pick her daughter up from after school care (that DD1 is usually at anyway) and take her home with me and feed her and put her to bed.
I'm not really sure what her arrangements were. For the past couple months she's been living in section 8 housing with a friend whose child also goes to the school and I think that mom worked more "normal" hours so she would pick her kid and the daughter up and take them home with her. Mom works 9-2:30 and then 3-11. She's asking me to pick her daughter up from after school care (that DD1 is usually at anyway) and take her home with me and feed her and put her to bed.
I don't mean that snarkily. I am just now seeing the wisdom of the others in your other thread. Not knowing she didn't have care in place for her kid and was relying on who she lived with would have been a gamechanger for me.
I'm not really sure what her arrangements were. For the past couple months she's been living in section 8 housing with a friend whose child also goes to the school and I think that mom worked more "normal" hours so she would pick her kid and the daughter up and take them home with her. Mom works 9-2:30 and then 3-11. She's asking me to pick her daughter up from after school care (that DD1 is usually at anyway) and take her home with me and feed her and put her to bed.
Congrats, you just adopted another child.
We'll see how tonight goes and the little girl is really sweet. H is OOT all week and a lot of times having another kid around means I don't have to occupy them constantly. ETA - I don't exactly know how the child care worked out, but she also hasn't had the evening job for very long so I didn't even think about that piece.
Both jobs are so new that she's only gotten one paycheck so far. She has a 6 week training/probation with her day job and then they'll give her a permanent location and a set schedule (that could be more hours). I'll talk to her more about it this weekend, obviously I never see her with that schedule!
If I'm in your shoes and I'm picking up my kid anyway and her kid is decent and lives with me, I would have assumed this is the way it was going to roll, to be honest. But I'd probably ask for 10% of her paycheck. If I was feeling generous, I'd take that 10% and put it in a jar in the back of my closet and give it to her when she moved out.
Post by vanillacourage on Dec 2, 2014 20:09:23 GMT -5
The night job is not sustainable. She will never make enough to pay anyone but you to pick her child up,from school, feed her dinner and put her to bed. I would have a frank talk with her about her timeline for finding a job that matches the school schedule, because even after she lands THAT job she'd be with you for several months while she saves money and gets enough of a paycheck history to be able to move out on her own.
The night job is not sustainable. She will never make enough to pay anyone but you to pick her child up,from school, feed her dinner and put her to bed. I would have a frank talk with her about her timeline for finding a job that matches the school schedule, because even after she lands THAT job she'd be with you for several months while she saves money and gets enough of a paycheck history to be able to move out on her own.Â
Yes. This only works because she has this situation to lean on. There needs to be a clearer path to get out of this situation where you are doing all of this indefinitely.
Oh, dear. The "logical" part of me says you need to say no and stop this now before you get totally taken advantage of. What I would actually do is just do it every day, because I hate the thought of the poor girl getting woken up At midnight or whatever when her mom finishes work.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling some kind of way about this that you had her move in knowing the circumstances and it feels like you were just waiting for her to be too much for you at any minute.
It feels rather disingenuous. I think you need to quickly decide for yourself if you can handle helping to care for her kid and if you can't, you need to come up with an alternative for her to move out. She thought she was getting a break, a better situation and it feels like you were waiting with bated breath for her to be an imposition.
I understand you didn't quite anticipate that she would need help in this manner but at the same time, I think you did. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling some kind of way about this that you had her move in knowing the circumstances and it feels like you were just waiting for her to be too much for you at any minute.
It feels rather disingenuous. I think you need to quickly decide for yourself if you can handle helping to care for her kid and if you can't, you need to come up with an alternative for her to move out. She thought she was getting a break, a better situation and it feels like you were waiting with bated breath for her to be an imposition.
I understand you didn't quite anticipate that she would need help in this manner but at the same time, I think you did. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
What? You think I'm looking for a reason to kick her out? Ouch. I can assure you that isn't the case at all. Maybe I didn't think it through clearly enough, but I was told that working 6 days a week at the evening job was temporary until she knew how many hours her daytime job would guarantee her. My goal is for her to get herself into stable housing with a stable job. Maybe I didn't realize how much help she would need, but I'm willing to do what I can. Her daughter is extremely well behaved and based on how tonight is going I won't have any issue with watching her. Though I agree with the PP who said that it's not sustainable for her to rely on me for care if the goal is for her to stand on her own two feet when she leaves.
What? You think I'm looking for a reason to kick her out? Ouch. I can assure you that isn't the case at all. Maybe I didn't think it through clearly enough, but I was told that working 6 days a week at the evening job was temporary until she knew how many hours her daytime job would guarantee her. My goal is for her to get herself into stable housing with a stable job. Maybe I didn't realize how much help she would need, but I'm willing to do what I can. Her daughter is extremely well behaved and based on how tonight is going I won't have any issue with watching her. Though I agree with the PP who said that it's not sustainable for her to rely on me for care if the goal is for her to stand on her own two feet when she leaves.
I didn't say I thought you were looking to kick her out. But I do think you were looking for an opportunity to be this really nice person to her and looking for it to be a bigger imposition.
And if you were fully aware that the job was going to be temporary and that her daughter was saying until late at someone else's house (the house she was previously living in maybe?) then I'm not just why you're already huffing that omg, she's being needy already.
You still aren't sure how many hours the day time situation will be and you're already anticipating that she'll just mooch on you forever. I think you need to hurry up and decide who you think she really is and then if you decide that she's a good person who needs a hand up, you should decide how long you can help her with childcare, how often, and what you might want in return.
What you think is me complaining about "omg she's being needy" is me wanting to try and not be taken advantage of and make sure I'm actually helping instead of hurting. I have a hard time saying no to people and was just hoping I wouldn't have to deal with my own uncertainties this early (about how much I'm comfortable helping out). I'm really not trying to be the horrible person you're making me out to be. And laurenpetro I'm the person who offered our basement to someone to help them out.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling some kind of way about this that you had her move in knowing the circumstances and it feels like you were just waiting for her to be too much for you at any minute.
It feels rather disingenuous. I think you need to quickly decide for yourself if you can handle helping to care for her kid and if you can't, you need to come up with an alternative for her to move out. She thought she was getting a break, a better situation and it feels like you were waiting with bated breath for her to be an imposition.
I understand you didn't quite anticipate that she would need help in this manner but at the same time, I think you did. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
What? You think I'm looking for a reason to kick her out? Ouch. I can assure you that isn't the case at all. Maybe I didn't think it through clearly enough, but I was told that working 6 days a week at the evening job was temporary until she knew how many hours her daytime job would guarantee her. My goal is for her to get herself into stable housing with a stable job. Maybe I didn't realize how much help she would need, but I'm willing to do what I can. Her daughter is extremely well behaved and based on how tonight is going I won't have any issue with watching her. Though I agree with the PP who said that it's not sustainable for her to rely on me for care if the goal is for her to stand on her own two feet when she leaves.
I just read through your original post about this, and ... yeah, I can see why HBC is having feelings about it.
In the first thread, you sounded all altruistic "I need to help this woman and her child" about it-AND you acknowledged what her crazy work hours were. Other people told you it might not go well, and for the love of God, get an agreement in writing about how long she can stay/what she's responsible for, and you acted like it was no big deal-you just wanted to do a good thing and have her "join your family"
Now 4 days after the move, she needs child care because of her erratic work schedule, and suddenly you "just knew this would happen" to you, even though you didn't want it to.
If you were SO AWARE that this would happen, and it's SUCH an inconvenience to you, you either should have nipped it in the bud and told her you wouldn't babysit for her before she moved in, or just simply shouldn't have offered up your basement to her in the first place. But now is too late for you to play the part of some naive martyr about it.
What you think is me complaining about "omg she's being needy" is me wanting to try and not be taken advantage of and make sure I'm actually helping instead of hurting. I have a hard time saying no to people and was just hoping I wouldn't have to deal with my own uncertainties this early (about how much I'm comfortable helping out). I'm really not trying to be the horrible person you're making me out to be. And laurenpetro I'm the person who offered our basement to someone to help them out.
Then I take it back. I thought this was a tenant playing dumb.
If tell her that she'll have to set up care in the event that you need to do something. But honestly, if I was already going to be home then I'd do it.
To clarify, who was caring for her daughter before she moved in with you?
And I'm not saying you're a horrible person. I'm saying you are decidedly less giving and selfless than you are trying to portray both to us and to this woman. To be fair, I doubt you realize this. I think you genuinely did want to be nice I guess but this double tongue "I'm nice but people take advantage of me" is kind of mournful and martyr-like.
Between the previous thread and this one, I think it was easily implied that you would help care for the daughter alongside your child since a large part of why you said you offered is because your daughters were similar in age and went to the same school.
I'm really not trying to gang up on you (I think everyone knows what I'm like when I seriously think someone ain't shit.) I'm just trying to understand what exactly you thought you were doing, why you didn't anticipate this, and just what you were offering her if not a home to live in, a companion for her daughter, and the chance to not have her daughter wake up at half past forever when she has school in the morning for at least as long as it took to get her daytime schedule sorted out.
Between the previous thread and this one, I think it was easily implied that you would help care for the daughter alongside your child since a large part of why you said you offered is because your daughters were similar in age and went to the same school.
Playing devils advocate, "help care for her daughter" implies to me a few hours a few times/week. 3pm-bedtime, including dinner, baths, homework, etc. is a lot, even if it's only once or twice a week. If I were the OP and was being asked to do it on day 4, only the 2nd school day since they moved in, I would also feel uneasy.
OP, you really just need to sit down and talk to each other about mutual expectations. Her hopes for the situation may not have been 100% fairly communicated, but it's also not fair for you to sit and simmer, and have the situation eventually blow up unnecessarily.
Between the previous thread and this one, I think it was easily implied that you would help care for the daughter alongside your child since a large part of why you said you offered is because your daughters were similar in age and went to the same school.
Playing devils advocate, "help care for her daughter" implies to me a few hours a few times/week. 3pm-bedtime, including dinner, baths, homework, etc. is a lot, even if it's only once or twice a week, and if I were the OP and was being asked to do it on day 4, only the 2nd school day since they moved in, I would also feel uneasy.
OP, you really just need to sit down and talk to each other about mutual expectations. Her hopes for the situation may not have been 100% fairly communicated, but it's also not fair for you to sit and simmer, and have the situation eventually blow up unnecessarily.
AT MINIMUM, the misunderstanding could have been easily anticipated and the title of this thread implies that it was. So why it wasn't hashed out well before hand and five minutes after homegirl movies in, ijack is huffing and eyerolling has me looking like this
It's really unfair that it wasn't discussed beforehand and now she's moved in. Because if she really did mistake you, she's going to feel hella awkward and even more like an interloper than she no doubt already does. If she's truly a douchebag trying to pull one over on ijack, it's just going to make ijack resentful.
I don't know who was caring for her daughter. The most info I've received I got from her daughter when I picked her up today. I was told she had friends helping her out (daughter would have sleepovers) and someone who "helps with childcare" located out by her night job. I really don't know what I expected and you're right that we need to sit down and talk. I've literally seen her for 30 seconds since she moved in (and she moved in at 9pm on Saturday so there wasn't a ton of time to talk then). I guess I'm more worried about people viewing me as being taken advantage of than of actually being taken advantage of. Does that make sense? Everyone warned me about her staying too long or taking advantage of me in some way and I feel like I "need" to feel a certain way about what's happening when I don't actually mind helping out. I don't want to be viewed as a fool or someone that was completely swindled :/