Does this seem excessive?

[isabel]

My mom was here this weekend for a visit and told me that she wants to visit one weekend a month after the baby gets here. Would this be excessive for you or normal?

[Kristinmo]

My kids have 3 sets of grandparents- they all live out of state. We average either visiting one or having one visit about 2 weekends a month so it doesn't seem odd to me. That being said, it's what works for us. If that idea does not work for you speak up now!

[gummybear]

I chose depends. Where I live (PA), NJ/Delaware/NY are all within 90 minutes so this would not be a big deal at all. My parents live 60 minutes away and see my kids about once a WEEK and they both work. For a grandparent within driving distance, I think it sounds normal. If they are retired, and it's a short flight, and they have the money, I wouldn't think it was weird. Grandparents are crazy.

[rosiebear]

She wants to stay with you for one weekend a month? Excessive. But then, I really don't like having people stay at my house, unless it's a special occasion. One entire weekend, every single month, would drive me crazy. If you are close to your mom and/or more sociable in general, it might be ok.

[katfco]

I said it depends. When Abby was first born and in the hospital for several months, my MIL (who's in IA and we're in OH) ended up coming to visit almost every month for the first 6 months.

If the visits were welcome as a time to help you, let you rest or get stuff done, then it doesn't seem excessive. But if she's planning to just play with the baby while you cater to her one weekend a month? Yeah, excessive.

In the end, though, it's up to you and what you prefer. This would be a good time for a, "Let's see how it goes before we make any solid plans."

[Deleted]

To me it depends on how close they are. If it is a NY to LA thing that seems excessive however you and your mom live in bordering states and it isn't that far that doesn't seem so bad.

[moolarkey]

One of my friends and her ex-husband traveled together, every other weekend, for about 7 or 8 years to see their grandchildren that live 2 hours away. They would spend the whole weekend. That is excessive.

[isabel]

Dec 15, 2014 17:33:12 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Depends. How much do you like her?

That's definitely part of the problem. lol

Additional details: I am really hoping to switch to more of a 9-5 type job after the baby gets here, but currently, and for the purposes of this question, I only have Saturdays off with DH. So, she would be here for 25% of my full days off with H each month. She insists she does not want me to change my schedule around to fit her being here and wants it to feel more like it would if she lived here (i.e her taking care of the baby one of the days and maybe having dinner with us one night). My concern with this is that I am going to feel like I have to include her in everything when she is here. For example, we like to go out to brunch. I expect we'll still do this every so often with the baby. If we want to do that, I am going to feel like I have to invite her along even though if she lived here, I wouldn't really do that. I would be more likely to invite her to dinner on a Friday or something.

@tambcat, I'm not really sure. I would guess I could ask her to stay in a hotel, but I would also feel sort of weird about that since we do have a guest room.

[isabel]

Dec 15, 2014 17:34:31 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

How far out of state? For how long? Where is she staying? Is she normally helpful or obnoxious?

She lives about a 2 hour flight away, so not bad.
She would fly in on Thursday night and leave Saturday night. I work on Sundays.
Presumably my house, but I guess I could ask her to get a hotel. I feel weird about that since we do have a guest room and separate bath.
Both? She's fine when she's not being super dramatic, but I moved away from home to be more independent. I don't know. I don't really like the idea of spending that much time with anyone except my H. lol

[olegregg]

Depends on distance.

Also, if I like them or not.

[vamoose]

Maybe she can come Saturday evening for dinner time, hang out with the baby on Sunday since you work, have dinner all together, and then drop off the baby a little late to daycare on Monday and then head home?

[irishbride2]

My inlaws bought a place so they could come a lot. They come about 7 times a year and we visit them about 4. So almost once a month.


We live two doors down from my mom so.....

If we lived out of state I would imagine my mom would be there around once a month.


No way would ANYONE stay with me that much.

[Deleted]

My ILs are an hour and a half away out of state. For awhile they insisted on seeing us E/O weekend. Now they are okay with monthly THANK GOD!

[hopecounts]

We see my Mom every 4-6 weeks so normal for us. She lives 5 hrs away.
But my Mom is a huge help which gives DH and I a bit of a break.
We see the ILs at least weekly for dinner or church.

[muppetinma]

It sounds like once a month, you'll be able to go out to brunch without your child. I fail to see how this is a bad thing.

Honestly, it seems like no big deal to me. She wants to be in her grandkid's life, and it sounds like you're unwilling to go visit her, so she's being proactive. And when you're talking about two nights a month, you'd be a pretty serious bitch to not let her stay in your guest room.

[irishbride2]

Dec 15, 2014 17:57:07 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

It sounds like once a month, you'll be able to go out to brunch without your child. I fail to see how this is a bad thing.

Honestly, it seems like no big deal to me. She wants to be in her grandkid's life, and it sounds like you're unwilling to go visit her, so she's being proactive. And when you're talking about two nights a month, you'd be a pretty serious bitch to not let her stay in your guest room.

It depends on the relationship. My mom and I are very close. Our one area of contention is neatness. I would spend ALL week leading up to it stressed about my house. Then all weekend as we'll. It would make my life miserable. Not wanting to go through that doesn't make me a bitch. Luckily my mom agrees

[muppetinma]

Dec 15, 2014 17:59:54 GMT -5 irishbride2 said:

Dec 15, 2014 17:57:07 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

It sounds like once a month, you'll be able to go out to brunch without your child. I fail to see how this is a bad thing.

Honestly, it seems like no big deal to me. She wants to be in her grandkid's life, and it sounds like you're unwilling to go visit her, so she's being proactive. And when you're talking about two nights a month, you'd be a pretty serious bitch to not let her stay in your guest room.

It depends on the relationship. My mom and I are very close. Our one area of contention is neatness. I would spend ALL week leading up to it stressed about my house. Then all weekend as we'll. It would make my life miserable. Not wanting to go through that doesn't make me a bitch. Luckily my mom agrees

But she'd be in your house anyway, visiting with you and the new baby.  With a new baby around, the house is going to be messy.  It's just a fact.  If the mess bothers her, she can choose not to come.  But to tell her she's not welcome to stay over in your house, when you have the room for it, is kind of crappy.  Especially when she's offering to pay for a flight a month to be a part of her grandkid's life.  

[eav2c]

As most other said, I think it depends.

Take this with a grain of salt because my mom passed 5 years ago but I would LOVE to have her visit once a month. It would be so nice to do things and and have some help. Now, if she's going to expect you to cater to her then I think it's excessive.

[LeggsBenedict]

Dec 15, 2014 17:57:07 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

It sounds like once a month, you'll be able to go out to brunch without your child. I fail to see how this is a bad thing.

Honestly, it seems like no big deal to me. She wants to be in her grandkid's life, and it sounds like you're unwilling to go visit her, so she's being proactive. And when you're talking about two nights a month, you'd be a pretty serious bitch to not let her stay in your guest room.

[RoxMonster]

Like others said, it is so case-dependent. I think, in general, once a month doesn't seem excessive, but it might be for you. If you think she will be helpful and pitch in and not make life more stressful for you, then I think her coming once a month and even staying with you would be fine. But if you think you'll stress about it and bicker the whole time, then obviously it wouldn't. So I guess I'm saying, I think you're not out of line for not wanting her to come that often if that's how you feel.

And hell to the no, you (general you) are not a bitch just because you don't want to put someone up in your house for once a month. I don't care if a guest is helping you out with a baby or whatever, if they invite themselves to your home on a monthly basis and expect you to put them up in your home, the person who should be getting side-eyed is the guest, not the homeowner. OP, I know you didn't say this; it was in response to another topic going on here.

[cheeseandcrackers]

it's not excessive to me but my mom is rather needy.

[oswin]

It so depends. I would probably enjoy if my parents came monthly, because they're helpful and quiet and would babysit for a few hours. My MIL, not so much, we're good with 2-3 times a year because she's high maintenance.

With what you've said I might let her come 2 months in a row and see how it goes. You can always come up with reasons to delay subsequent visits by making other plans - with friends or just say you've got a lot of errands, etc.

[cereal K]

it seems excessive for her if she's a flight away. a couple hours drive? okay. plane tickets? that'll rack up fast.

[Una]

Dec 15, 2014 17:57:07 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

It sounds like once a month, you'll be able to go out to brunch without your child. I fail to see how this is a bad thing.

Honestly, it seems like no big deal to me. She wants to be in her grandkid's life, and it sounds like you're unwilling to go visit her, so she's being proactive. And when you're talking about two nights a month, you'd be a pretty serious bitch to not let her stay in your guest room.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids so take it with a grain of salt, but yes it seems a bit much.  It would be one thing if she lived an hour away and wanted to spend a weekend day once a month.  But presumably living farther and sleeping over in your house one weekend a month seems like too much (for me).

[mrsdoe]

I would keep your mind open and just see how it goes. I was very adamant that I wasn't going to want visitors all he time when my daughter was born but I was wrong and loved having the help. I am so much closer with my mom since my daughter was born. I was not close with my in laws before she was born either but our relationship has real gotten closer and I enjoy having them come visit frequently. I can go grocery shopping alone or just take a long shower or clean.

Keep your mind open and just set some ground rules (cleanliness, quiet hours, no unsolicited advice, etc) about staying at your home if you have them. I wish I was closer with my grandparents so I think it's great your mom wants to be involved.

[isabel]

Dec 15, 2014 18:27:44 GMT -5 cheeseandcrackers said:

it's not excessive to me but my mom is rather needy.

I think this is where I am. It doesn't necessarily feel excessive, but she is pretty needy and I am a very private person. My house is tiny. We have one living space that is contiguous with the kitchen. I don't know how much I would mind if she stayed in a hotel, but it seems like a lot to have her in my space every month.

I also think part of my concern here is my own hangup about feeling the need to entertain a guest. It's entirely possible that this feeling is on me and me alone, in which case, I am making this out to be worse in my head than it would have to be.

cereal K, the flight cost isn't really a concern. She flies a ton for work and has a ridiculous amount of points with Southwest, so she never pays for flights when she visits.

[gogadgetgo]

Also, do you gave ILs who would visit? I wouldn't want to have to deal with multiple sets of family every month, especially if I was working full time.

[isabel]

Dec 15, 2014 18:59:36 GMT -5 @smace said:

It's not excessive in the "she wants to see her grandchild" kind of way. But for me it would be b/c my mom and I don't always get along swimmingly and her staying with me was usually stressful. It was nice (before she lived in FL) when she visited when X was here. I got a lot of help from her/naps/etc. She stayed about 2 weeks and I don't have a lot of memory of disputes.

There's so much that depends on personalities of both parties, is grandma more of a help or a hindrance like iamgrace's mom (I think i have the right poster, lol), size of the house in which will be shared. Even for a few nights, in my tiny house, you'd feel the added people reaaaalllly quick. especially when you're not used to sharing your abode.

HONESTLY I think your mom is riding on the soon to be newborn high right now and her desire to make that trek will wane a bit once it's put into practice.

I whole-heartedly agree. I don't think it's excessive at all in that regard. But my kid isn't the one I'm worried about. lol

As an example, she told me today that she wants to come out when the baby is born and stay for a couple of weeks. She asked if I would prefer that she get a hotel or rent a house (like from VRBO) instead of staying at my house. I told her that I feel like things are going to feel really cramped if she stays for that long and while I really appreciate that she wants to come out and help, that I think H and I will want some alone time in the evenings, rather than having another person right there all the time. She seemed disappointed with me for saying that and said that usually the mom would stay at the house with the new parent, but she "guesses she can do housework and stuff during the day either way." So, then I felt bad for taking her up on the offer to not stay here for two weeks even though she's the one who offered it. We did not discuss where she would stay on these weekends that she would be coming out.

I think you and I may have a similar situation with our moms. Also, like yours, my house is really small. I'm afraid it's going to feel cramped very quickly and I'm already going to be a nutcase from sleep deprivation. Annoyance at a family member (even one who's trying to be helpful) doesn't seem like a great thing to add to the mix.

I think you're right about the newborn high. I really hope things work out well for both of us, but she kind of sprung this on me today and it seemed like a lot when I was initially considering it. And yes, this is indeed the first grandchild. And probably the only one for quite a while. H and I are undecided on whether we want a second and my sister is much younger than I am and not in a relationship.

[isabel]

Dec 15, 2014 19:07:06 GMT -5 gogadgetgo said:

Also, do you gave ILs who would visit? I wouldn't want to have to deal with multiple sets of family every month, especially if I was working full time.

My MIL is moving out here in March and will be our full-time childcare. This is something that's been discussed A LOT and something she really wants to do. We are very grateful and happy to have her out here. That said, I think she understands my boundaries better than my own mom does and is far less sensitive. I don't have any qualms about telling her I need some space like I do with my mom.