How to move on

[Deleted]

So I've mentioned him on here before ... I have this boyfriend that I keep breaking up with and going back to when I'm lonely.  Not general loneliness because I'm fortunate to have great friends and family.  But loneliness like I just don't want to be single.  I've hated being single ever since my divorce.  (I did not have this issue before my marriage)

I've got to get away from him for good.  I've tried deleting his number, blocking him on FB/ Linked in, but I always seem to find my way back to him.  I need to figure out how to block him out of my heart.  We've gone as long as 10 months apart and gotten back together.  I have no future with this guy and when we are together he's so hot and cold and generally jerks me around.  Help me

[1confused1]

So you know I'm in a similar situation. Every time I want to text him or talk to him, I stop and remind myself that we are no good together. I deserve so much better than what he could offer. And I'm only thinking about him because I am lonely. It's not easy and I'm not saying I'm perfect (I texted him last night and his response reminded me why we aren't together), but it's not worth the emotional energy of being in a bad relationship.

Hugs, hang in there!!

[onedayatatime]

I don't have any advice for this -- I understand the feeling and the comfort in that relationship. XH and I broke up before we got married and in hindsight this is exactly what I did - I went back to him because it was easy and I didn't want to be single.

Stay strong - you know it isn't the relationship you want and you don't need to settle for that.

[abcdefu]

It sounds like you are looking for something else, but you aren't sure what. You can be lonely, but not because you are single. You could be under the impression that this guy is giving you something else, and when you go back to him and he doesn't fulfill what you are looking for, you break up and lather, rinse, repeat. Does that make sense?

You have to decide what you are missing and think of different ways to obtain it because your relationship with this guy, in any retrospect, is not it!

[calle28]

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

One day you won't even want to go back there, I promise.

You deserve better, you can do this!

[jenstar]

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

One day you won't even want to go back there, I promise.

You deserve better, you can do this!

I agree that this would probably be a good idea. I have a mental list of the mean and inconsiderate stuff stbxh has done which helps remind me why I don't want to be with him whenever I get a random thought that maybe we could work it out!

Also, I would try to think about it this way: what if an amazing guy comes along and you are too busy agonizing over this useless dude and then he's gone again before you realise.. That would suck and the only way to prevent it is to refuse to put up with bullshit!

Good luck, I am a bit on the other end of the spectrum right now which also might not be great.

[Deleted]

Thanks for all the great advice! calle28 that's a really good idea to write it all down. And jenstar that's something I think a lot that I'm going to miss out on someone great because I'm wasting my time with him. I'm basically settling

Thanks for the book rec mp I'll check it out.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2014 23:59:38 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

It sounds like you are looking for something else, but you aren't sure what. You can be lonely, but not because you are single. You could be under the impression that this guy is giving you something else, and when you go back to him and he doesn't fulfill what you are looking for, you break up and lather, rinse, repeat. Does that make sense?

You have to decide what you are missing and think of different ways to obtain it because your relationship with this guy, in any retrospect, is not it!

Lol I'm not sure I do know what you're saying.  Do you mean that in my head I think he's really different than he actually is?  Like I'm in love with the idea of him rather than him?  I don't know at this point I pretty much know how he's going to be I just miss having that companionship of a person that knows me.  I went back to him this time after a string of meh first dates that went no where.  I just wanted to be done with dating.

[achase123]

I like the idea of telling yourself that its like you're on a staircase. So if your ideal situation is to one day have a healthy relationship then that would be what you can visualize at the top. On the bottom is you in an unhealthy relationship. In the middle is you single and healthy. Alone but strong In that situation you're much closer to that healthy relationship that if you're with someone who's wrong for you (bottom of the staircase).

So if you stay in that situation it's certain that you'll be unhappy. If you break free and stand on your own you're opening yourself up to being single, getting stronger, and being closer to one day meeting someone great that is worthy of you.

[abcdefu]

Dec 17, 2014 8:17:22 GMT -5 @bk said:

Dec 16, 2014 23:59:38 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

It sounds like you are looking for something else, but you aren't sure what. You can be lonely, but not because you are single. You could be under the impression that this guy is giving you something else, and when you go back to him and he doesn't fulfill what you are looking for, you break up and lather, rinse, repeat. Does that make sense?

You have to decide what you are missing and think of different ways to obtain it because your relationship with this guy, in any retrospect, is not it!

Lol I'm not sure I do know what you're saying.  Do you mean that in my head I think he's really different than he actually is?  Like I'm in love with the idea of him rather than him?  I don't know at this point I pretty much know how he's going to be I just miss having that companionship of a person that knows me.  I went back to him this time after a string of meh first dates that went no where.  I just wanted to be done with dating.

Okay now that I've had some sleep and coffee, I think the best way for me to explain it is this: When I was in college I had a binge eating disorder. I ate because I was feeling something, but it wasn't hunger. My counselor would ask me "what are you hungry for?" The answer was never food. I was hungry for confidence, self worth, respect, companionship, friendship, but I wasn't getting any of those things, so therefore I binged.

My point is, what you think you are getting from this guy, you have to get from yourself first. If you get it from yourself, he's out of the equation and he takes all his shittiness with him.

Does that make better sense?

[bullygirl979]

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. It really does work. 

[Deleted]

I know that being single can be sucky and lonely. Like jenstar said, you could miss out on someone great while playing games with someone that's not worth it.
Please try and stay away from him...you deserve more.

[doglove]

Dec 17, 2014 8:25:10 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

Dec 17, 2014 8:17:22 GMT -5 @bk said:

Lol I'm not sure I do know what you're saying.  Do you mean that in my head I think he's really different than he actually is?  Like I'm in love with the idea of him rather than him?  I don't know at this point I pretty much know how he's going to be I just miss having that companionship of a person that knows me.  I went back to him this time after a string of meh first dates that went no where.  I just wanted to be done with dating.

Okay now that I've had some sleep and coffee, I think the best way for me to explain it is this: When I was in college I had a binge eating disorder. I ate because I was feeling something, but it wasn't hunger. My counselor would ask me "what are you hungry for?" The answer was never food. I was hungry for confidence, self worth, respect, companionship, friendship, but I wasn't getting any of those things, so therefore I binged.

My point is, what you think you are getting from this guy, you have to get from yourself first. If you get it from yourself, he's out of the equation and he takes all his shittiness with him.

Does that make better sense?

It's a hard realization, but you are the only one who can give yourself those things now as an adult. Are you in therapy? You need to work towards gaining those things from within instead of looking for someone who can provide you with them, because no one can ever give you what you don't already have inside. 

[stephreloaded]

Dec 17, 2014 8:17:22 GMT -5 @bk said:

Dec 16, 2014 23:59:38 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

It sounds like you are looking for something else, but you aren't sure what. You can be lonely, but not because you are single. You could be under the impression that this guy is giving you something else, and when you go back to him and he doesn't fulfill what you are looking for, you break up and lather, rinse, repeat. Does that make sense?

You have to decide what you are missing and think of different ways to obtain it because your relationship with this guy, in any retrospect, is not it!

Lol I'm not sure I do know what you're saying.  Do you mean that in my head I think he's really different than he actually is?  Like I'm in love with the idea of him rather than him?  I don't know at this point I pretty much know how he's going to be I just miss having that companionship of a person that knows me.  I went back to him this time after a string of meh first dates that went no where.  I just wanted to be done with dating.

I think there was an episode on How I met your mother that said that once you are out of a relationship, you see things differently. You kind of try to block out the bad and end up reminiscing the good parts of the relationship and crave that. 

I get like this from time to time not with one guy but with a couple of them that give me the attention I want so I feel that I want to reconnect. I delete and block numbers from my cell phone and for once, I am glad that I have such a bad memory for numbers. 

[WinterIsComing]

Dec 17, 2014 9:14:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. It really does work. 

My therapist had me do this after I separated from XH. I had a list of all the horrible things he did and the reasons why I was better off alone saved in the notes on my phone. I really helped to read that list every time I started to miss him or our marriage.

[Deleted]

Though I never wanted to get back together with my XH, I struggled dropping him as a friend and getting him totally out of my life. It didn't help that he wanted to talk to me and be my friend (and stop the divorce, but that's another story) and would call/text regularly.

What ended up working for me was completely cutting contact. I deleted him from facebook, stopped responding to messages, and finally sent him an email telling him basically not to contact me and why. And I repeated to myself, over and over, that this was not a healthy person to have in my life, that he's toxic and even good interactions will eventually deteriorate, and that if I wanted to truly move on with my life I couldn't have lingering drama or unpleasantness from him, I just needed him out of my life. Heck, I occasionally still tell myself those things -I was really tempted recently to contact him with a computer question (the one thing I miss about him, I suck with tech and he's really good at it). I had to tell myself that it just opens up a door I don't want to open and that my need for information wasn't as important as the need for him to leave me alone. Your need for companionship isn't as great as the need to move forward. It's not easy, but keep telling yourself this over and over again and eventually it will get easier.

[onedayatatime]

Dec 17, 2014 9:14:22 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. It really does work. 

When xh and I separated - I kept a list like this in my phone - every time I had a thought of something bad I wrote it down and then when I was feeling nostalgic I would read through it. It helps.

My therapist also encouraged me to keep a separate list of any random thoughts - so if I was feeling sad, anxious or missing him I just wrote it down. The act of writing it down really did help me to stop fixating on the feeling and helped release that anxiousness.

[Wanderista]

When you feel lonely, rather than going back to this guy, seek out new experiences. Whether they are good or bad, they will move you forward. As others have said, you know what you've got with this guy. Getting back with him prevents you from experiencing anything new. It's also a habit to get back with him. If it is not something that you really want then you really just need to stop doing it. I know that sounds easy for someone from the outside to say, but it is the truth.

I've had feelings for guys who weren't treating me well. It may seem like you'll always feel that way but you won't when you really move on and have new, more positive things going on in your life.

[wampuscat]

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

One day you won't even want to go back there, I promise.

You deserve better, you can do this!

Yep, do this!  I think someone on here told me to do it and I keep a list on my phone of all of the horrible things stbxh did.  It seriously helped to see all of the bad things written down in one place. 

[amarima]

Dec 17, 2014 3:32:47 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Not sure if this will work, but can you write down all the terrible things he's done. Write down specific reasons why you guys will never work. Be brutally honest. Look at that list whenever you feel weak. Tell your best friend to remind you of the list.

One day you won't even want to go back there, I promise.

You deserve better, you can do this!

I did this with my last ex-bf. I wrote down in a post it all the reasons why he is not good, and put on my computer as a reminder. I also took a picture of it and read it when I'm not in the office and need my "reminder". It hurts from time to time, but my little list makes me feel better

[sherbanator]

I saved stbx number as fucking lying cheater in my phone and I also took the most unflattering pic of him I had in my phone and wrote "I'm a bad person" over the top of it and saved it as a contact pic. It helps immensely when I get a call from "fucking lying cheater" not to answer it.

[abcdefu]

Dec 18, 2014 1:51:22 GMT -5 sherbanator said:

I saved stbx number as fucking lying cheater in my phone and I also took the most unflattering pic of him I had in my phone and wrote "I'm a bad person" over the top of it and saved it as a contact pic. It helps immensely when I get a call from "fucking lying cheater" not to answer it.

Blahahaha! Mine is still in my phone as "::Ex-h's first name, which starts with a D :: and Douchenozzle as his last name"

[Deleted]

So... I ended it with him Tuesday night, shortly after I posted this. Such a good decision. Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I'm happier already. I re-blocked him on FB and deleted his number. I should probably block his number but I am having a hard time getting to that.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Dec 18, 2014 11:00:21 GMT -5 @bk said:

So... I ended it with him Tuesday night, shortly after I posted this. Such a good decision. Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I'm happier already. I re-blocked him on FB and deleted his number. I should probably block his number but I am having a hard time getting to that.

Write this down, too!
When you start feeling like you want to contact him, read the list of all the shitty things he's done to you, then read the part about how good you felt when you ended it to remind yourself.
Also, remind yourself that eventually the hurt does fade. Last bad breakup I had, I just kept reminding myself that the hurt does eventually go away, and all I have to do is make it one day at a time. Then, every night, when I'd go to bed, I'd give myself a little pat on the back that I made it another day, and I'm that much closer to feeling better.

Hugs.

[Deleted]

Why do ex-boyfriends like to contact me on holidays to let me know they'd still screw me if I'm interested? Ugh guess I'll be hearing from him again next week too

[mcc]

Dec 27, 2014 9:03:57 GMT -5 @bk said:

Why do ex-boyfriends like to contact me on holidays to let me know they'd still screw me if I'm interested? Ugh guess I'll be hearing from him again next week too

Block him.

[Deleted]

Dec 27, 2014 9:13:32 GMT -5 mcc said:

Dec 27, 2014 9:03:57 GMT -5 @bk said:

Why do ex-boyfriends like to contact me on holidays to let me know they'd still screw me if I'm interested? Ugh guess I'll be hearing from him again next week too

Block him.

He's been emailing me.  Have to figure out how to block an email address.

[cuddlyevil]

Filter it to your junk folder or trash.

[mcc]

Dec 27, 2014 9:40:28 GMT -5 @bk said:

Dec 27, 2014 9:13:32 GMT -5 mcc said:

Block him.

He's been emailing me.  Have to figure out how to block an email address.

You can create a filter for his email address so it either goes into a folder or your trash. I had one called Stupid for XH's emails.

[1confused1]

Dec 27, 2014 9:03:57 GMT -5 @bk said:

Why do ex-boyfriends like to contact me on holidays to let me know they'd still screw me if I'm interested? Ugh guess I'll be hearing from him again next week too

Did we date the same guy?? M texted me and I shut that shit down real quick.

Hang in there and stay strong! !