Article: I'm Afraid to Stop Having Babies

[ilikedonuts]

I don't think this has been posted yet.

www.babble.com/baby/im-afraid-to-stop-having-babies/

Even as I pick her up, the delicious weight of her body in my arms, I think it.

Even as I kiss the smooth, irresistible skin of her cheek, just the right amount of chubbiness for a mama smooch, I think it.

Even as I nurse her to sleep, watching that impossible tuft of fine hair stick up straight in the back and sway with every movement of the rocking chair, I think it.

This can’t be it, my heart whispers. This can’t be my last baby.

I had my fourth baby in August, a baby some might see as a luxury, an indulgence, a number just over the limit of sanity for normal people. Four kids? People say to us incredulously. Don’t you know what causes that?

Well, yes, we do and shockingly enough, we don’t have a problem with the cause or the babies that inevitably follow for us.

In fact, I’ve always loved babies. I can remember grocery shopping with my mom when I was a little girl and spying a baby in a neighboring cart, focusing all of my attentions on the little chubby-cheeked cherub until I was rewarded with a smile. Babies were just my thing — I almost felt like I had a special connection with them somehow.

And I found everything about the mystery of babies fascinating, right down to pregnancy and birth. Before I was out of high school, I set my sights on medical school to become a pediatrician, then changed my mind at the last minute for the nurse-midwife route. When I became pregnant during my last year of nursing school, I decided against more school yet again and eventually found my way into the labor and delivery ward, working part-time as a nurse while our own family kept growing.

But through it all, since I was five years old and told amused adults that I wanted to be a “baby doctor,” through mothering my nine-years-younger sister, to soaking up every minute of the newborn days with my own children, my life has been centered around babies. Babies, babies, and more babies.

Which is precisely why I am now terrified to ever move past the baby stage in my life.

There’s no pressing physical reason that I have to stop having babies, but I know very well that my husband and I are at a crossroads of sorts. We have lived in the trenches of parenting very young kids for the past six years and while it’s been so amazing in ways hard to explain, it’s also been stifling in many ways. Our marriage has been tested and I can feel my husband struggling to come up for air, wanting — and needing — to spread his wings in pursuing his dream job.

Although I tease him all the time about wanting just one more baby to keep my arms and heart full, I know deep down that another baby right now may just push us over the edge. For the first time ever, I feel almost selfish in wanting more children, like I’m not at all considering the impact that childbearing has on the man who has vowed to raise them with me. Like it’s his turn to find fulfillment. I am so, so happy in my life right now — it’s the kind of happiness when you look around and realize, this is it. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. And you start to wonder how long it will all last.

Because as my husband has trudged up and down our hallways this week with each one of our respective screaming, feverish children and swore under his breath, “That’s it, NO more babies,” I felt my happiness slipping away from me, faster than my children are growing up before my eyes, dimpled toddler limbs transforming into awkward school girls, garbled words replaced by startlingly clear sentences.

Because the honest truth is I’m afraid of what comes next.

I’m afraid of a life without the sweet breath of my babies.

I’m afraid of a life without the sweet innocence that I see reflected back in my daughter’s big blue eyes.

I’m afraid of a life spent without the delicious weight of a baby in my arms and a pair of chubby thighs to munch on. I’m afraid, simply, to move on.

As moms, we hear the plea from parents who have lived through the baby stages to enjoy it, soak it all in, count every last minute as the blessing that it is. Every time I close my eyes I see my husband’s grandma’s face, telling me with eyes full of sweet sadness, that right now, this time of babies nestled in my arms, days spent around naptimes and stories and coloring and play time, safe in our cocoon at home, is the best time of our lives.

And I fully believe that with all of my heart.

But the problem is, if this is the best time of my life …

How do I ever leave it behind?

[dcrunnergirl52]

Honestly, this woman sort of sounds like she needs help. And, I say that as someone who will very likely try for baby #4, so I get the idea of wanting a large number of kids. But, really, she sounds overboard.

[anna7602]

I do love my sweet, delicious little babe and get a little sad every time he outgrows something or masters a new skill in front of me and I think, "that's it, I'm never going to see another baby of mine roll for the first time." BUT, I find every stage my older child goes through pretty thrilling in a different way- the way she mastered reading and looks all proud when she sounds out a sign she sees on the street or tells me her thoughts on what she thinks might happen in the next Harry Potter book. I have the funniest conversations with her and while I don't want to rush her along into adulthood at all, it is amazing to see the glimpses now of the person she will be in ten or fifteen or twenty years. She's much more my "buddy" these days and the baby is, well, the baby.

[Deleted]

I want to be sympathetic because this is a trigger issue of mine too (moar babies!) but I was a wife before I was a mother and no way would I ever minimize my husband's feelings like she seems to shrug away doing. Also, those kids are only babies for a year or so. If you love BABIES so much work at a daycare.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Jan 13, 2015 15:07:42 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

I want to be sympathetic because this is a trigger issue of mine too (moar babies!) but I was a wife before I was a mother and no way would I ever minimize my husband's feelings like she seems to shrug away doing. Also, those kids are only babies for a year or so. If you love BABIES so much work at a daycare.

I wanted to say this too. Become a daycare teacher, and you can be with babies all day long.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry but I just can't relate to this. I love my children so much it takes my breath away. I do. But I love watching them grow and develop and become people. I loved the baby phase, at least with DD2 when I wasn't trapped in a haze of PPD, but each new phase has its own wonders... watching a baby take her first steps, speak her first words, start to communicate in sentences, learn to play independently, learn to read and write. Yes, the days when they are all mine and I am the center of their universe are slipping away... but the days of them being independent, relatable human beings that I can share things with and talk to and have fun with are ahead of us. I look forward to a time when I can share some of the things I love with them, and they can teach me things.

It seems so silly to label babyhood as "the best time of our lives." How can you know? How can you know how much more or less you are going to enjoy your children when they are kids, teenagers, adults?

Babies are wonderful, but watching them grow and learn and become who they are going to be is wonderful, too.

[Deleted]

I prefer this one: www.mothering.com/articles/nostalgia-baby-days-accepting-impermanence-childhood/


I’m sitting in a coffee shop, focused on my work, when a woman walks in carrying a baby who can be no more than five months old. This is my long day of work for the week, when my eighteen-month-old son spends the entire day with his aunt, and we’re apart for twelve hours. I feel a pang of longing, not only to be with my son—which is something I feel frequently when I’m away from him for so long—but also to be, once again, with the baby he used to be. To hold him in my arms the way I used to, without the toddler squirminess that now cuts short our snuggling sessions much sooner than I’d like.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore this toddler stage too. The nonstop energy and exploration, his ability to communicate more and more every day. The way he sometimes says “mom” right before he falls asleep, in the softest, sweetest voice imaginable. His obvious delight when he learns something new. And, yes, his ability to occupy himself for brief moments, so that I can sneak away for a bit of solitude.

There was a time when I didn’t understand the nostalgia with which mothers spoke about their children’s infancy. It seemed wrong to wish for the baby that the child used to be. But I get it now. Being nostalgic for my son’s infancy doesn’t mean that I love the person he is now any less. Instead, the more he becomes himself, the more my love seems to grow. But the first year is fleeting, and it was over before I had much chance to appreciate it.

I think of having another child, of once again being the mother with a baby snuggled against her chest in a coffee shop. But then I remember, I have a toddler. So I’d be a mother with a baby snuggled against her chest and a toddler clinging to her leg, vying for her limited time and attention. Never again will it be just me and my baby. Though there will be different kinds of sweetness as our family grows, the (relative) simplicity of those baby days with my first and only will be forever in the past.

The urge to tell the mother in the coffee shop how lucky she is, to advise that she appreciate every moment, is almost irresistible. Until I remember how hard those early months were, how entirely drained I often felt, how I sometimes wondered whether I would make it another day. We’ve since moved onto new struggles; the previous struggles now barely cling to the edges of my memory. But there was a time that, despite the sweetness of newborn snuggles, I felt like I was in the trenches. Maybe she feels that way now. I decide to keep my mouth shut.

Being a mother means accepting the reality of impermanence. When I was childless, I structured my life to create the illusion of permanence, and the feeling of safety that it provides. Not so anymore. I don’t structure my own life these days. Now I just do my best to let go of what I know was always an illusion anyway.

My son looks more like a boy every day. He moves on to tomorrow before I can process what happened yesterday. I take endless photographs in an attempt to capture who he is in each moment, knowing that he’ll be a different person before the shutter can close once again. It’s futile, I know, but having something permanent helps me to accept that life is anything but.

[cilantro]

Ugh, this angers me to no end. You have kids because you want to children, in all their life stages and all the responsibility that comes with. Not because you want to always have a baby.

[anna7602]

Jan 13, 2015 15:10:09 GMT -5 page said:

It seems so silly to label babyhood as "the best time of our lives." How can you know? How can you know how much more or less you are going to enjoy your children when they are kids, teenagers, adults?

Well, I'm likely to be having daily panic attacks over the cost of college when my kids are teenagers, so I doubt that will be the "best time of my life." But yeah, I agree with the rest of what you said. 

[imojoebunny]

I love me some babies. I would have many more than two, if they didn't turn into children and they slept at night.

The option isn't there for me. I am both sad and glad it isn't, especially as my youngest starts school, and I have the opportunity to develop entirely new set of interest. Small things, like I made a pork rub today from scratch and bigger things like regular volunteer work and spending regular one on one time with friends old and new.

The article person just presents one extreme side to get readers.  She is probably thrilled to have a bottle of wine and a good nights sleep after 4 kids in 6 years.

[hermione]

This reminds me of people who focus so much on the wedding that they're not prepared for the actual marriage.

My dad says that the very best part of having kids is watching them become adults of worth. I tell myself that when I get sad about C growing up.

[ilikedonuts]

@tokenhoser, that's a great article! I think it is a awesome way to really look at it.

[SJ]

Jan 13, 2015 15:25:24 GMT -5 sxia said:

DH doesn't know, but I'm seriously thinking of adopting an older child. Doesn't really fulfill that "baby" longing, but maybe another person to care for?

I know this is an ongoing issue for you, but you realize your DH will have to be involved in the adoption process as well, right? When do you plan to tell him about your adoption hopes?

[shaynaatl]

Jan 13, 2015 15:20:10 GMT -5 hermione said:

My dad says that the very best part of having kids is watching them become adults of worth. I tell myself that when I get sad about C growing up.

This.  One study I saw said that one of the biggest sources of happiness in old age is friendships with your adult children.

[shellbear09]

I think this is weird and I don't relate to it at all. I mean I loved my baby to pieces but not the thought of all babies, like never ending babies...wth. I'm also not one to feel longing for more babies though even though it may happen. The second article is much better.

[Deleted]

I think I did enjoy my second baby more, but at the same time, my life was totally different than it was with the first.

I can't imagine continuing to have babies just because I like having babies. I mean, I joke that I'm just getting good at giving birth and I do miss the free calories of full time nursing a LOT. That's not going to get me through another 3 year old, though, and I know this is only the beginning of the heavy lifting of parenting.

[scribellesam]

I do love babies, but raising babies is the toughest thing in the world! I'm looking forward to getting out of the tiny and helpless stage equally as much as I'm sad to leave it behind. Working in my church's nursery has been great for me. There are always new babies to snuggle and admire, but once my babies are grown, I can just head home and enjoy the benefits of older children.

[Deleted]

I think she needs help. I can sympathize (empathize?) for her being afraid to move on from the baby stage. That is her identity and has been for a long time. She needs some help to come to terms with it, and needs to respect her husband as well, because it's not all about her and her wants and dreams.

I also question how she treats her older children. She's obsessed with babies, and seems all-consuming, so how does she relate once they become toddlers, preschoolers, and beyond? She has a 6 year old, does she ignore him/her because they're not a baby anymore? I'm sure that's extreme, but I question the attention she gives her older children since they're not "new" and "squishy".

I loved DD as a baby, but have realized that now, at almost 2.5 years old, it is SO MUCH BETTER. She's a little person, and its so amazing to see this little person grow up, and I can't imagine NOT wanting to see that.

I'm off to read the second article now...

[rbp]

Jan 13, 2015 15:37:54 GMT -5 shaynaatl said:

Jan 13, 2015 15:20:10 GMT -5 hermione said:

My dad says that the very best part of having kids is watching them become adults of worth. I tell myself that when I get sad about C growing up.

This.  One study I saw said that one of the biggest sources of happiness in old age is friendships with your adult children.

Well this makes me feel awfully guilty about my feelings toward my mother.

[Marmee]

I can kind of relate except I don't love "babies" I love my own babies...lol. I feel a bit like this is the best time of my life & it's slipping away. My parents are elderly & will probably not be with me much longer, my girls will inevitably turn into teens, my looks (though I don't consider myself super vain) will fade, etc. Having my last (#4) baby is bittersweet & having her (or another) does seem to put these inevitabilities on the backburner in my mind. But everyone moves on, even Michelle Duggar, because you can't have babies or stay in that stage of life forever. I'm looking forward to not dealing with carseats, changing diapers, etc but doesn't mean it's not sad/hard to leave having a little squishy that'll let you hold & kiss them incessantly behind.   Also I think my parents were good, unselfish, loving parents yet my brother turned out to be an asshole.  I'm not so assured that having adult children won't be filled with pain & I won't have my own parents by then.

Also I have "older" kids (DD1 is 10.5) & I think each passing year goes faster than the prior.  She's nothing but a joy 99.9% of the time, I don't wish a moment away now.  That part is hard to take.

[Deleted]

I love love love everything about NBs and babies.
However I can rattle off a list a mile long of what I think will come next and what I can be doing instead. I'm just dying to remember what it is that I know how to do other than babies.
I'd have 8 kids if it wasn't for the reality of it.

My bff is so much this way though. She has had 4 kids in 4 years (which fine by me. Whatever makes her and her family happy) and the way she talks and the way she acts I honestly believe that she doesn't know how to do anything else at this point. And like the author I also think she's scared to ever get out of the baby phase because she fears who she will be.
So much of her life is defined by kids, kids, kids that I think she feels guilty and a terrible person worthy of judgement if it ever is anything else, muchless think about it.

Me. I dream of beer alone on the back deck without one kid teething, the other whining, where my kids are decently nice to each other, can occupy themselves for five damn minutes, actually sleep and don't need me every second for whatever.

And I love my kids.

I can not relate.

[turtlegirl]

I kinda get what she's saying in the general sense that it's scary to move on to the next "unknown" phase in life.

But I always tell/remind myself that each phase in life has it's great moments/bad moments.

I always think of college as the "best time in my life". I went to such a fun school, had great friends, learned a lot, life was generally pretty care-free, etc. But that doesn't mean I want to be a college student forever.

Overall, I'm happy with my life now. It's fun having young kids, DH and I are in a good routine/groove with them, our marriage is good. We have a nice house, etc. But I know this young kid phase isn't going to last forever and it kinda freaks me out to think of how crazy life will be with kids in elementary school, activities, sports, etc. We have a lot of unknowns coming up with kids getting older, DH finishing up school/changing careers, etc. But like every phase in life I know it will bring good times and bad and we just have to face it head on and look forward to the good those future phases will bring.

[badtzmaru22]

Blah. People are always saying "these are the best years of your life!!" For everything. People said that to me in college, and right after, and when we were newlyweds....

Similarly, I keep thinking with my kids, "oh this is my favorite age. Oh no, THIS is my favorite age!"

So I guess I just try to enjoy everything as it comes. We didn't have they easiest time having DD, so while I was pregnant, I did maternity photos, and a belly mold thing, and anything else I wanted to, in case it was the only chance I'd get. Then when she was born, I felt so strongly OAD, that I was glad I had tried really hard to enjoy my pregnancy. And now that we got incredibly lucky a second time, and have DS, I just want to soak in every moment, because he really is the last, even though he totally makes me want to have another. But I didn't have PPD or ladyparts healing drama, or BFing issues this time, which all play a huge part in my feeling this way.

Plus, there will always be a coworker or a friend with a baby or eventually (hopefully!) my own grand kids or babies of my niece/nephews around to snuggle.

I do think the lady in the first article sounds a little crazy. I didn't read the second one yet.

[meij]

I am sad my babies are growing up and it is hard for me at times to know my baby having days are over. Partly I think because I have some regrets and would love a chance to "do it right". Having my son was healing in a way for me.

I don't necessarily want to keep having babies, I just want to relive my kids babyhood again, lol. I think some of it to is me knowing I'm getting O-L-D.

[cjeanette]

I sort of get it. Newborns are my favorite. There is so much to love (and hate) about each stage of parenting but I loved the first 4 weeks like no other. I am probably done having kids but I didn't know that when I had E. If I had known she would be my last I would have been an (even bigger)emotional wreck as she moved through the first few weeks and first year of her life.

[Willis Jackson]

Jan 13, 2015 16:33:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

(Sorry, posting for the third time in a single thread - this is how I get 70k posts.)

I look at both of my kids all the time and get sad that one day they will be teenagers, they won't want to hold my hand, won't let me hug them good night. I'm excited to see the people they're going to become, but it also makes me sad.

When I only had one, it was easy to keep looking ahead and being excited for the future. But being on what is supposed to be my last baby is bittersweet. After this there won't be anymore chubby little babies sleeping with their thumbs in their mouths and their butts in the air. I don't even consider myself a baby person, but I get where she's coming from. I can't get that quote about how "one day you'll put your kids down and never pick them up again" out of my head. Since reading it, I pick J up pretty much any time she asks me to because I know one day she won't, and I wouldn't be able to do it even if I tried.

I also get a little scared thinking about my life after they have grown up and moved out. What then? I'm not someone who just pictured herself as a mother and that's it, but I still feel a little empty thinking about it.

I made a thread about a year ago asking when boys stop cuddling with their moms. DS1 was 4.5 and I feared it was coming- I believe "I will just DIE" was written- but I realized recently that it happened. And it's not the end of the world. He's almost 6 and doesn't cuddle with me anymore and I'll probably never pick him up again but I'm fine with it. He's a pleasant dining companion now and he holds his baby brother and reads to his little sister. He's a great guy and I'm happy to have that history with him but I'm also really looking forward to the rest of his childhood.

[AlpineSlide]

My cousin posted this article on FB. She has 5 kids (youngest just turned 1 in Oct) and is obsessed with babies. She commented for real that she doesn't know how to stop having babies because she enjoys it so much and they are so delicious etc. She also says her DH won't "let" her have any more and that's the only thing stopping her. You'd have to know her but she is just addicted to the baby stage. I feel bad for her. She is a L&D nurse too so its not like babies won't be in her life.

I mean I love my baby and will miss the chubby cheeks and everything. But watching him grow is the best.

[Gwen]

Oh, sure. It's amazing when you capture exactly one lovely moment in time.

What about the hug when they come home from their first day of school?

Or wiping tears from their first boo boo at soccer practice?

Or the thrill of looking for prom dresses?

Or the swish if a wedding gown?

... I can do this all say long.

[teatimefor2]

I understand where she is coming from, to a point. I LOVE babies! I love the newborn stage and DS2 is already 12 weeks. I miss the newborn stage. That's me. I know this about me.

DH and I are trying to figure out if we should have a third. I can't ask myself do I want another baby, the answer will always be yes. I have to ask myself do I want to potty train, feed, cloth and pay for college for another. That changes it for me, I think. At least it's given me more to think about.

But I think she's an extreme.

[havarti]

Jan 13, 2015 16:33:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

(Sorry, posting for the third time in a single thread - this is how I get 70k posts.)

I look at both of my kids all the time and get sad that one day they will be teenagers, they won't want to hold my hand, won't let me hug them good night. I'm excited to see the people they're going to become, but it also makes me sad.

When I only had one, it was easy to keep looking ahead and being excited for the future. But being on what is supposed to be my last baby is bittersweet. After this there won't be anymore chubby little babies sleeping with their thumbs in their mouths and their butts in the air. I don't even consider myself a baby person, but I get where she's coming from. I can't get that quote about how "one day you'll put your kids down and never pick them up again" out of my head. Since reading it, I pick J up pretty much any time she asks me to because I know one day she won't, and I wouldn't be able to do it even if I tried.

I also get a little scared thinking about my life after they have grown up and moved out. What then? I'm not someone who just pictured herself as a mother and that's it, but I still feel a little empty thinking about it.

I fully intend to pick up DS every year as my Festivus feat of strength.