And the above is why I don't understand why they are being such assbags about my situation. Seriously the thing is under 2 years old. They don't make money off of selling me another kindle anyway - it's in the content. And at this point, there will be no more content purchased. EVER.
Also, I do have calibre, so I will look into that if/when I get a nook.
Also, slight update - I called after I got a response to my email that told me to call. My email was very detailed, explained what I had been offered, why I wasn't satisfied with it, and that I had already spoken to three customer service reps, including one supervisor. When I called, the rep said she could only offer me the exact same thing, and she wasn't sure why I got the email to call. Basically I was on hold with her and repeating myself - just to waste my time. Awesome.
So on top of stupid policies and crap products, Amazon can add complete and utter incompetence to their list of faults.