partyinmytummy I haven't heard of that book, but I will definitely check it out. My self-help library is expanding, and I'm always happy to add more, haha. Thank you!
tators I just love you. (heart) I love getting mail as much as the next person, but you really don't have to send me anything!
{{{everyjuan}}} I'm sorry. I wish I was independently wealthy, I'd whisk you away on a girl's trip somewhere extra awesome, like a month long European vacation.
Dude. Never feel bad about being sad. What you are going through is sad, and it's ok to feel that way. Yes, you will be better at the end of it, but sadness is part of the process.
You are going through the hardest part. (((Hugs)))
Post by mrsukyankee on Feb 27, 2015 2:34:11 GMT -5
Hugs. You are being a rock star in so many ways and I bet you don't even know it. You are talking to people, you are doing the things you have to and you are getting support - so many people can't even do these things. You do deserve more and better - a you that is happy and confident. And you'll get this. You will. It'll take time. Oh, and stay away from the internet dating until you can laugh about it!
Sorry everyjuan, it sounds pretty normal and totally sucky, but just take one day at a time and eventually you'll be rid of the dickhead for good. Apart from taxes (and wanting it to be finished), is there a reason to rush any of the other stuff? My stbxh and I didn't really talk about dividing stuff until 3 months after he left which I think made it a little easier, like I was more detached by then maybe, had more time to process..? But we have to wait a year here before even filing so there wasn't really a rush because of that.
Whatever you decide to do, just remember that every day you're one day closer to feeling normal again, and it will happen
Everyjuan, I'm sending you huge hugs & many vibes for strength & peace. I just wanted to again assure you that this is temporary; I know that doesn't make time speed up, but I promise you will get through this & be a better person on the other side. Try to think of dickwagon as a stranger; separate everything else you know about him. Make your brain think of him as the guy who worked in an office two floors up, & he's bringing his boss' tax things to get the building's tax business sorted.
(Sorry, PLS don't judge- I promise I'm just trying to help, & if anything, if you find yourself wanting to cry in the tax mtg, remember he's creepy Bob, his boss' lackey.) You can do this, lovely girl!!!
((Hugs)) I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I relate to every word you wrote. Even though it's only been a little over a year for me, I remember the loneliness like it was yesterday. I could be surrounded by family or friends and feel so alone. So without him. I felt paralyzed in sadness. I still lived with him but we were suddenly strangers and he was so matter of fact, so cold, and so business like about it all. I was heart broken.
The things that helped me were coming here and reading threads. I remember reading how happy and independent some of these ladies sounded and kept hoping that it would be true for me. I also started pouring some thoughts into my future that excited me - me getting my own place to decorate. My X was pretty controlling so allowing myself to fantasize about silly things, like purple walls and pink towels really helped. I did some retail therapy and quickly became rouge with sephora. Lol. I joined a divorce group at a local church.
And I started a list called sucky things. It's super damn long. Any time I thought of something that made me sad or angry about my X, I put it on the list. I have some things on there multiple times cause they keep popping into my head. And sometimes I'd read the whole list and remind myself that it's okay to be sad, I lost something. But he was no longer my friend and who I thought he was. He wasn't who I deserved.
Time passes and you'll get less sad. It's slow. But one day you'll be writing this kind of crap and feel optimistic more than sad. (((Hugs)))
Post by jellymankelly on Feb 27, 2015 6:34:11 GMT -5
Something that helped me was setting a time limit for wallowing in my misery. Pick a date a few months from now and say, "This is the day I'm going to start to pull it together. Between now and then, I can feel whatever I want to feel and don't have to worry about it." That helped me SO much. Just knowing that I had some artificial deadline set and wasn't going to allow myself to feel that way forever (because you know in your most irrational moments you get that "what if I'm never okay again?" feeling) took such a weight off my mind. It also helped with feeling like I was being stupid for grieving over an emotionally unavailable cheating narcissist, because I knew the grieving was only temporary.
I'm so sorry. I won't get into all of my crap but I completely feel your pain and empathize. Sometimes I really wonder what the point of men are? Seriously they are frequently not worth the heartache. I'm sure after you get through this immediate painful part you will be so much happier with yourself and everything in your life. Treating yourself in some way today is a good idea.
So many hugs, everyjuan. I know this feels so hard right now, but I know that over time you'll be as proud of yourself for your strength as we all are.
I think you are handling this as well as can be expected, considering you've had the life you thought you had ripped out from under you by a cruel, selfish bastard.
I had to comment on your statement that his accomplice in cheating is getting the benefit of all the things in that you wanted from him but never got. I beg to differ - much as she might like to convince herself otherwise, she is getting a man who is willing to lie, cheat, betray the woman he professed to love, cherish, and be faithful to above all others. Yeah, that's some prize there.
Sure, they are in the schmoopy soulmates phase, I'm sure, but trust, it will not last. It will burn out much, much quicker than you can even imagine now that the fantasy has become reality. Then, they will settle into the same humdrum details of life like bills and dirty laundry. Add in the trust issues, the sleeping with one eye open, and the very shaky, sordid foundation of their relationship and they will implode.
Meanwhile, you will continue living your life as the intelligent, strong, beautiful woman that you are, far away from these broken, selfish people and one day, you will meet someone who will love you BECAUSE of, not in spite of and it will be him to give you everything that you deserve.
Take care of yourself and don't ever, ever hesitate to post. We're all here for you.
I am going through a very different situation, but have the same feelings you described. I am meeting with my doc today to discuss it. I know it helps me when I know someone else going through a similar battle. Just know you aren't alone. I'll be thinking of you.
{{{everyjuan}}} I'm sorry. I wish I was independently wealthy, I'd whisk you away on a girl's trip somewhere extra awesome, like a month long European vacation.
And then we could meet in Brussels and I would feed you the best chocolate!
What helped me to get over the 'sad' phase was to write a 'dear Jerk' letter to him - and NOT send it over! It started as a list of all his negative points and it ended up being a 6 page letter where I got out everything I wanted to yell at him.
It helped me get mad and less sad. And lately my motto is : the best revenge is success.
I know that it is probably too soon, but know that every second you spend thinking about him is a second that you should spend on yourself.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Feb 27, 2015 8:04:37 GMT -5
The really sucky thing is that it has to hurt before it gets better. But one day it WILL be better. You will be healthy. You will be happy. You will be strong.
And you will surround yourself with people who love you and think you are spectacular. Not lying shitheaded dickfaced cheating assholes who don't deserve you.
Just take it one day at a time. I promise it won't always hurt.